i loved you for the way you grinded your teeth together,
and the way you tucked your braid inside of your hoodie.
i loved you for the freckle in your eye and the burn mark on your chest,
and the way you put your hands in my pockets to keep them warm.
i loved you for the letters you wrote,
and for your compassion,
and your wonder at life.
i loved the way you read,
and the way you smiled,
and especially the way you laughed.
and i loved the way your voice sounded on the phone.

but as you can see, i say l-o-v-e-d. because i can't love you
when you loved me.

cry
2. *****
3. pray not to wake up

you've tiptoed up behind me
once again

and a part of me wants
to ask you to leave
but the other part missed
the way you curl your arms around me
and take control

because i'm tired of pretending
like i know what i'm doing
and putting on a smile
to make everyone else happy

i just want to be alone
and you seem to know that

and he was like a spring shower
unexpected
but as he rained down on me
i realized thats exactly what i needed

Sometimes, I write you letters.
Yes, letters I never send, but they are letters nonetheless.
And I know he would get mad.  Say I'm still in love with you.
But the thing is, I'm not.
Sometimes I just wanna write you letters.
That's what I see on tv.
That's what Oprah does.

but what remains is, the moon never shines so brightly as it does when i'm sitting beside you. and my heart never feels so full as it does when she's on the other side.

Negativity swirls around me like the storm outside my door,
reminding me of all the things I've told myself before;
you aren't good enough or smart enough or worthy enough to make it,
everything I've said before to the point where I can't take it.
But then a thought appears that subsides all the self hate,
it's Francis Chan telling me Isaiah 55:8.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.."
I criticize myself
for the things that God does praise.
He sees me in a greater light, knit perfectly together
and He loves me for the way I am, in any kind of weather.

try for conversation
but you lack the motivation
simple reciprocation
is what i'll settle for

because our interests are divided
but our pathways are united
only sometimes i feel slighted
when i realize that it's true

and yeah you ask about my day
but don't listen to what i say
or do i just feel this way
i think i think too much

maybe a month doesn't mean anything
when you've been with someone for years, what's a measly month anyways

but with her, she got me a little gold cross on a little gold chain that she searched for in her athletic bag
i felt like a princess

now our first month just passed and he didn't even mention it
maybe a month doesn't mean anything

but with her, it did.

is it comfortable silence

or have we simply run out of things to say

i thought this time i'd be enough
you promised that i would
but something happened,
it always does
now you see that i'm no good

i thought this time was different
but all my life its been the same
no one thinks i'm worth it
and i'm the one to blame

but i would have stood there
washing dishes
until my hands fell off
just to breath the same air as you

I hate when people ask what's wrong
As my eyes fill up at a sad sad song
Or a movie or a book
They'll take one look
And question my emotional response

But happiness isn't something
We all get for free
Especially girls with broken hearts
Who write bad poetry

and i don't know if that's allowed
or if i'm just too basic of a *****
for it to matter

but i'm dancing in the kitchen
to j cole
and making galaxy cookies
as valeona would call them

and maybe i get the hype

sometimes i feel like i'm in the ocean
and it's okay
because i know how to swim

but then i realize
even the best swimmers
sometimes need a break

and i'm not the best
not by a long shot

When I no longer felt the need to live they told me there was a way;
they would cut up my body, sale all the pieces, and that way, I could stay..

They stuck me inside a crane machine,
my arms, my legs, my heart.
Fifty cents was all it took to win yourself a part.

My head it was the first to go, it went to a strange old man.
Who lived down in a basement, and had a secret plan.

My fingers they went next, to some little girls and boys.
The size of them was perfect for the children to use as toys.

Eventually my brain and my heart were the last items in the case.
An eager young girl ran up and pressed the glass against her face.

She asked her mother curiously, which one should I choose.
Her mother replied, think carefully, for neither I'd want to lose.

The heart can bring you so much joy, but also so much pain.
And the brain can give you answers, but also drive you insane.

The little girl walked away, slowly shaking her head.
I like them both too much to pick just one of them she said.
Then she grabbed herself a chocolate bar and said I'll take this instead.

our definition of a perfect day must not be the same
yesterday was magical
but today here comes the rain
my sheets are stained with snot
and my pillowcase with tears
so today i'll wash my bedding
and i'll throw away my fears
you're the master of my mind
and you control my body too
it's like you've cast a spell on me
and i have to see it through
but i want to
i want to
i want to oh so badly
because i love you
i cant stop loving you
*i love you oh so madly

and i wish you could see
that there is hope
in this hopelessness

and someday
when you aren't expecting it
you will see a glimmer
so grab on tightly

because you do matter
even if it feels like
the world would be better
without you

i've been there.

in a place so dark
i thought i'd never see the light again
wishing for something to take me away
from a world that didn't care
or understand

in a world of insomnia
and weightloss
because sleeping and eating
felt complicated too

so it's okay
to not be okay

but i just want to remind you
that you are brave and you are strong
and you are ******* alive.

sometimes, someone comes along
and you never stop thinking of them
in the middle of the night

life changes everything,
even promises,
and maybe that's okay.
when you said to me forever
maybe what you meant was
one more day.

but i'm happy to see my forever
lasts as long as yours seemed to,
because i swore my heart
would never heal,
and guess what it's starting to do.

I don't know what to say
to make things seem okay.

Because they aren't.
I know they're not.
Now that you're cheater,
he got caught.

It makes me angry
and real mad
because I know
you must be sad.

I know what it's like
in your situation.
How lonely you feel.
Full of desperation.

But don't give up the fight.
You're too beautiful for that.
Don't give up your sight.
Of where your poems are at.

You're an artist,
yes a hurt one,
but an artist all the same.
You've been hurt before,
but still stand tall,
just look up at your name.

i don't think i knew what it meant
to be alive
until you came into my life
whispering words
that wrapped around me
like a blanket
in the middle of the night
when everything felt vulnerable
and everything felt possible

I'm only going to say this once,
so you better listen closely.
It isn't you that I hate
it's her, well mostly.
And if you kicked her to the curb
then we could be together.
But since you are infattuated
that will happen never.
This isn't up to me,
you're the one who's choosing.
I'm a winner either way,
you're the one who's losing.

i never realized how much i depended on you until you disappeared.

waking up in an empty bed
feels so wrong and lonely.
i want your mumbled i love yous
and middle of the night hugs.
what am i supposed to do
while you're gone.

someday,
i'll outrun it all

worked tonight. saw my friend trey.
he talked about you, i feel like hell.

apparently you'd been working as well.

he said he knew we dated,
but he didn't know you broke my heart.

i guess when talking about me, you forgot that part.

it's been awhile.
a year? or two?

since the last time when i thought of you.

it's fine, i told myself this time.
it doesn't matter what you think.

but i gave everything i was, and still you let me sink.

you cheated on me years ago.
it seems i haven't mended.

tonight i have gratitude, it ended when it ended.

for when you broke up with me,
yeah i fell apart.

but a few months after that, i got a brand new start.

finally realizing something..
we live in our own realities
and i can't be mad
just because your reality was different
from the one i lived in

i think
i think too much
about stuff i shouldn't
think about
but it's like
everywhere
you've ever been
was soaked
in the essence
of you

i'm an empty shell of a human
there's nothing left of me
you took my heart
you took my joy
and now i'm empty
so no one try to love me
i can't return the favor
i'm an empty shell of a human
loving is too much labor

Such a simple phrase, isn't it?
And yet it is such a hard act.
I still want to be with you all the time,
but when we're together I hurt.
I hurt because I want to love you,
and when you touch me in a seemingly innocent way I want to melt into your skin and live there in your safety.
I want to get off work and see a message waiting from you.
But I don't.
And that's why being friends is such a hard thing to follow.
Because I still want you,
but you don't want me.

i wish the sadness would go away
but it collects on my skin
like tiny dust particles
and it slowly suffocates me  
until theres nothing left
but an empty carcass
that longs for more

When you asked for my heart
I gave all four chambers to you.
I painted the walls and hung each picture to your exact specifications.
I put in new carpet and vacuumed the drapes and tilted the couches like so.
And when everything was perfect you moved in, and I finally felt at home.
Then one day you decided to leave but my heart was still made for you.
Still is in fact furnished
just the way you left it.
And when I bring people over, it doesn't quite feel the same.
Because now my heart is a house
not a home.
The chambers are painstakingly empty
waiting for your return.

i'm lucky
to hear it everyday
from a sweet little girl
that truly believes it

while another wraps her arms around me
and tells me that she missed me
since she last saw me (16 hours earlier)

and a third
twirls circles around me
and tells me she hopes i'm happy

for you see, i'm a teacher
and this year has been the hardest
but they only saw the best in me
even when i didnt deserve it

so love like a child
show your vulnerabilities
tell people what's special about them
and look for the best in each other

and look for the best in yourself

Seven days have passed since you broke my heart in two
And even though you did me wrong I'm still in love with you
Sometimes when I'm with you I think you want me too
But then you're with her and I know you never do
Or never will
Not again
Not with me at least
We'll be friends
Thats all I get
With that I've made my peace

why do i sit in this parking lot crying
while the birds are outside flapping their wings
why wasnt i made for this life like everyone else seems to be
and why am i so alone
why am i always alone
and why wont the sadness stop
why did you touch me
why did you touch my body
why did you touch my mind
why did you touch my soul
and why did you leave
why wasnt i enough
why am i so **** useless
why am i here
why am i still alive when this doesnt feel like living
why cant i sleep anymore
and why does eating make me sick
why do i try so hard to fill others with love, when i cant even love myself
tell me why

stop please stop
the ******* voices in my head
they're yours
all of them
stop the memories on repeat
the memories of you
stop showing up in my dreams
stop the insanity
give me some ******* peace
stop
please

Late at night I cry so hard I make myself puke.
The tears don't stop until my head is throbbing
my nose is running
I can't see straight.
And I'm crossing my arms in front of my chest, hugging myself tight
to keep my heart together.

my mind;
a prison i lock myself in
when i need someone the most

of thunder, who shakes and rattles the earth
of lightning, who illuminates the sky
of rain, who beats against the window and stings your skin with her kisses

because I, I adore them
and maybe that's why I adored you
because you
were the most perfect storm of them all