i have so much to be thankful for.
i know that.
but for some reason being surrounded by family all day makes me feel so alone.
and i don't know whats wrong with me.
but i wish someone could fix it.

i can never tell
if this feeling in my gut
is because of the way i want you,
or for the fact i can't eat
when you're not around..

Just like a penny you left me in the rain
But today the drizzle stopped and out a rainbow came
The weather was so perfect and the sky so very blue
And you happened to walk by and you put me in your shoe
Because i was so shiny and gleaming and looked brand new
I guess that's where i'll stay now, in case you need some extra change
And this relationship is new to me and kinda sorta strange

My parents are happily married, and I've never had to share a room.
Even though I have sisters.
I've never gone hungry.
I've never been abused.
The saddest part of my life is
I wish it were different.
If my parents were divorced
Or I went hungry every night
Or if I had been abused
My feelings would make sense.
But I don't struggle.
Yet I don't want to be here.
My life is like a puzzle
And once it's put together it's the most grand thing you've ever seen.
The only thing wrong with it is me.

some would say it's awkward
or uncomfortable
or painful
but i loved the way our teeth clashed
when we kissed
because that's how much
we wanted each other

does it count as love making
if while i'm into it
you've been faking

your love is as distant as the stars,
and just as dead.
yet i wish on them every night..

on the road
trying to lose her

i found you

Trying to be happy
is alot harder then it seems.
Because he doesnt
taste like you do.
And i never know
where to put my hands.

I hate myself because I'm filled with so much hate.
And I hate him from taking something from me I can never get back.
I hate you for making me love you.
I hate every person that has looked at you
   talked to you
   hugged you
   held your hand
   held your attention
I hate them with every particle that makes up this pathetic body.
I hate them because for even a second they were more important to you than me.
I am psychotic, possesive, insane
and this is why I hate myself.

And we're fading
Fading
Fading
And i don't know what to do
I havent got a ******* clue
But i know it was bound to happen

And its crazy
Crazy
Crazy
I thought we were meant to be
I guess you weren't the one for me
Now i know that we'll never happen

But thats alright
I'm okay
I'm gonna make it through
Today's a brighter day

And i'm alright
And you're okay
I'm almost over you
Tomorrow's a brighter day

the rain seems to wash everything new
but now that i'm thinking it through
we never would have worked anyway
because i always had to leave
when you begged me to stay
and i could never sleep
when we were together
because you made me feel alive
even in the gloomy weather.

you said that you love me, that's kind of confusing
you know what i was thinking of
that first time that i saw you
you were so beautiful
i never thought you'd be so exposed to me
but there you were, under me
the sun streaming in the window and illuminating your skin
you were glowing, like you were  my angel
like your purpose for living was to save me from this forsaken place
but somehow between then and now everything has gotten misconstrued
and most days i can't decide if you're my angel or my demon
but either way i'll take you
because you've ****** me into your world
and i know the only escape is death itself
but i don't mind your world
it's the only place i've ever fit in anyway

It feels so foreign,
but for once in my life
I wanna crawl in to bed with you
and just lay there until I fall asleep.
Not because of a scary storm,
but because I'm tired of feeling so desperately alone.
I know you'd call me stupid.
You'd say she isn't worth my tears.
So I'll just stay in bed and squeeze mr. bear with all of my might.
And maybe tonight you'll have a nightmare, and you'll need me too.

Missing you is the hardest thing
I've ever had to do
And I'm so tired of pretending I'm okay when I'll never be okay again

Inside of a bubble -
I can see out, and they can see in,
But they don't talk to me.
They can't hear me,
Or else they don't want to.

Inside of a bubble -
I see the world passing by.
I want to be a part of it,
But I'm scared.
Scared I'll be rejected.

Inside of a bubble -
Negative thoughts, horrible feelings,
All bursting out of my head,
Coming to the surface,
Then echoing back at me.

Inside of a bubble -
I try to get out.
But to do that, I'd need someone like you,
On the outside of my bubble,
To help.

i saw some pretty flowers
by the road today
i almost stopped to pick them
but instead i let them stay

because when i saw the flowers
i was thinking of you
and i knew you would reject them
like you always do

so maybe its a good thing
that your love for me has faded
because now the world has flowers left
for some other girl thats jaded

i forgot all the names
i gave to your hurts
and i suppose that's me
moving on

you're the song that's in my head
but it's hard to keep from crying
because when you aren't around
my whole spirit's slowly dying
and don't think that i'm a fool,
cause i know you're never ever coming
back
to me
i just wish you'd see, that baby we're meant to be

i
want
to
die

today is the twelth
and i wonder if
that had any effect on you at all.
or if you even looked at calendar.
because you're all i've thought about.
at my cousin's wedding
i had to go in the restroom
to hide away my tears.
and i got a stuffed animal.
her name is sage.
but murphy is much softer.
and i miss him
almost as much as i miss you.

sometimes i wish for a car wreck
sometimes its cancer i seek
because i am disgusting/i am guilty/i am nothing/i am weak
i want a way out of this place
but i dont want to do it myself
cause flowers arent sent
to suicide victims
but rather to kids with bad health

I'm so ******* selfish.
I disgust myself.
Sitting around on Christmas Eve
waiting for my presents,
while he's waiting for the cops.
He's just a boy.
He didn't mean what he did,
he's just a boy.

I never hug my mom.
And his is on drugs.
Save the boy.
These presents, they are nothing.
I don't want them.
Not anymore.
I wanna save the boy.

he said he could see this being forever
and i wish he wouldnt have
the pressure is on
i dont wanna be a heartbreaker
so is this it
is this my future
if it is, is that a bad thing
if he is my future why are you
the one on my mind
why when he kisses me
touches me
do i wish it was you
its just, youre more gentle
yet more aggressive somehow too
and i dont know if its because
hes a boy
so he doesnt know how to handle me
you made me feel like me
completely myself
not caring what others thought
he makes me wanna be better
but why do i need to be better
he said he could see this being forever
and i wish he wouldnt have

I don't think you understand how fully you obliterated my world, because if you did, I think you'd come back to me.

i was fighting sleep and now it wont come
of course thats how life works
i feel sad
sorry sad
i am horrible and i hate hurting you
i never want to hurt you
i didnt mean to hurt you

but i did
and on christmas
i ****
im sorry
i know its not enough
but its all i have to give
believe it
or not
but i wish you were here right now
because no one should go to sleep angry or sad
and now we both will

i hope you sleep
i hope it comes quickly and lasts until morning
i hope you feel at peace
i hope you dont hate me
i dont want to fight
im sorry that we fought
we're not the people that fight
and my heart is breaking

come back tomorrow
and lets try again
to treat one another
as a best friend
come back tomorrow
and i promise i'll stay
right by your side
and wont turn you away

brown eyes are basic.
thats what they say,
but when the sun shone upon you,
your eyes melted into gems.
and i was captivated.

i realized that you're
more angel than demon.
and your eyes are two
amber stones, stolen
from the baltic sea.

from that point forward
i couldnt be in your presence
without being stunned.
"your eyes are so beautiful"
i said.
they're just brown eyes
you replied.

Back before anyone knew
there was something between me and you.
It was a secret kept,
for just us two.
I would hold your hand, given the chance,
And no one gave us a secod glance.
They didn't think it was strange or queer
That when you were around, I was near.
You weren't filled with anger.
I wasn't filled with hate.
And march the 12th wasn't even an important date.
Back then was the time that you and hattie were the best of friends,
And sleepovers weren't questioned with "i don't know... depends"
Now my life is different.
Your life is different too.
I really miss the time when it was only me and you.

i dreamed i was
making a snow angel.
but the snow was turning
red. i was dying.
drained of my life. i floated
above and saw my creation.
i smiled, for it was the most
beautiful snow angel
i had ever seen.
pale white. bright red.
**sleep

my sheets smell like you,
and i'm tired because i didn't sleep
for watching your marvelous face.
i didn't want to miss a second of our last night together.
and in the moments you forget
that you weren't supposed to love me,
and you wrapped your arm around me
i was home.