harlee kae: Poems

Nov 2017 · 190

too high

harlee kae Nov 2017

too high

expectations
have a way
of building

these moments
replayed so often
they are made great
before they exist

and sometimes
reality
just doesn't match

Nov 2017 · 199

Hyperventilating

harlee kae Nov 2017

Hyperventilating

I don't think I can do this.

Nov 2017 · 210

anxiety

harlee kae Nov 2017

anxiety

and that's the worst part
of an empty room
the thoughts
can't be distracted

i need human interaction
and crowds don't count
i need someone
to look me in the eyes
when i talk
then tell me
everything's going to
be *okay

Oct 2017 · 322

walmart

harlee kae Oct 2017

walmart

I see you almost daily
in long braided ponytails
and sarcastic smirks
on stranger's faces in a foreign town.

But where it makes sense
I wasn't expecting you.
So I turn
and my heart drops to my stomach
and it's thundering so loud
I feel like my skin will vibrate
off of my body.

And your cousins are there
so grown and beautiful.
I think of the times
we did puzzles
or played soccer in the yard.

No one glances my way
and it's funny
how a second
can feel like an eternity.
And it's funny
how you were my sun
while I'm just a desolate planet.

Oct 2017 · 1.1k

I am

harlee kae Oct 2017

I am

I am a fool
for dreaming big dreams
that I can't accomplish.
I am a failure
as my knees give out
and my mind gives up
and I quit.

Oct 2017 · 292

to m.m.,

harlee kae Oct 2017

to m.m.,

same ****
new day
******* choose
to leave or stay
stop playing
with a fragile heart
that shouldn't have been
yours from the start
and if you knew
how to love at all
you'd know it's complicated
when you fall

just know, you shine brighter
then the darkness
the world will throw your way

Oct 2017 · 325

picnic

harlee kae Oct 2017

picnic

scrolling through my feed
when a picture makes me
stop
zoom
stare
yep, i was right
she just posted a picture
with her body splayed across
THE picnic table
the very picnic table
where the first person i loved
ended
everything

i waited
for the anger
or sadness
to drown me
like it has before

but it didn't.

i felt okay
that art could be made
in a place where i sat
and uncontrollably sobbed

it felt nice
that there was beauty
to be found
at a picnic table
where i once only saw
heartache

Oct 2017 · 454

world mental health day

harlee kae Oct 2017

world mental health day

and i wish you could see
that there is hope
in this hopelessness

and someday
when you aren't expecting it
you will see a glimmer
so grab on tightly

because you do matter
even if it feels like
the world would be better
without you

i've been there.

in a place so dark
i thought i'd never see the light again
wishing for something to take me away
from a world that didn't care
or understand

in a world of insomnia
and weightloss
because sleeping and eating
felt complicated too

so it's okay
to not be okay

but i just want to remind you
that you are brave and you are strong
and you are ******* alive.

message me if you need a friend

Sep 2017 · 636

i think i saw your ex at starbucks

harlee kae Sep 2017

i think i saw your ex at starbucks

and i wonder,
do you ever think of her
and what you could have been.
futures that were planned
but never successfully played out?

do you ever hear a song
that instantly takes you to a place
belonging to you and her
and nobody else?

do you ever compare me
and think of all the ways i fail
where she would have succeeded?

its okay,
if you do,
i would understand.

because memories have a way
of sticking around,
especially the good ones,
especially if you don't want them to.

Sep 2017 · 220

Just another thought

harlee kae Sep 2017

Just another thought

Sometimes when I'm driving to school
Or washing the dishes
Or going for a jog
I think about how I will never see you again
And recalling
That friendships
Are actually quite fleeting
Fills me with an
Overwhelming desire
To cry

And it's been years
And I'm doing great
Better even
Then I was before.

But I think my mind forgets
That some things are forever
Even if those things are endings

Sep 2017 · 239

always

harlee kae Sep 2017

always

one
of
those
lonely
nights

Sep 2017 · 210

How is it only Monday

harlee kae Sep 2017

How is it only Monday

I have a cough
And it's insanely hard
To stay up past 9:30
And I am so tired
Of being sick
And being tired
And feeling adrift

Aug 2017 · 405

sleeping alone

harlee kae Aug 2017

sleeping alone

waking up in an empty bed
feels so wrong and lonely.
i want your mumbled i love yous
and middle of the night hugs.
what am i supposed to do
while you're gone.

Aug 2017 · 429

issues

harlee kae Aug 2017

issues

i dont know why
half the time
i kiss with nothing lips.

lips that are pressed
against another's
but cant feel anything at all.

can someone please
tell me
what's wrong with me?

and how i can love someone
without feeling the need
to touch them.

Aug 2017 · 367

new day new me

harlee kae Aug 2017

new day new me

breathing deeply
made it through
the best part is
that i have you

Aug 2017 · 319

unresolved issues

harlee kae Aug 2017

unresolved issues

went to an old friend's wedding.
turned to watch her walk the aisle,
and there you were.
a half second glimpse
then i looked to the ground.
i chewed my nails
to the point of bleeding.
and drank my coffee black.
and kept looking at the ground.
because i feel
completely inadequate
when i see your new girl.
and you with someone else
still kills me.
and i cried the whole way home
thinking about the fact
that i'll never
hug you again.

Aug 2017 · 542

uncovered voice memo; 2014

harlee kae Aug 2017

uncovered voice memo; 2014

i think of you
as i drift off
to my sleepy sea.
i think of you
my trevor lee.
i think of your smile
on your face.
as it filled up the room
and lit up the place.
the place that was so gloomy.
until you were there.
your eyes squinty
and your cute little hair.
i wish it could have been more
then just a handshake and a bye.
but your girlfriend never liked me
since she found out i was bi.
so thats what i have to live with now
and i guess that, thats okay.
as long as when we see each other
you promise to say hey..

Aug 2017 · 688

disappointment

harlee kae Aug 2017

disappointment

words are my weapon of choice
but you're a man of action
and i think we're constantly
trying to impress each other
with things that impress ourselves

Aug 2017 · 308

coleman

harlee kae Aug 2017

coleman

every one i've ever kissed,
right here in this park.
two were in midday.
two were after dark.
my first kiss to a boy,
he turned out to be shady.
my second was my first love
a beautiful, smart lady.
the third was to my best friend,
even though he has a wife.
the last was to my current boy
the one I'll have for life.
every time I run here
I get memories, good and bad.
one specific memory
contains the best kiss that I've had.

Aug 2017 · 331

one of those days..

harlee kae Aug 2017

one of those days..

where i'm trapped inside myself
and i don't want to talk
or even be around anyone
because it feels like the world is moving
but i'm not a part of it.

where i'm tired of laying in bed
but i don't feel like going out
so i make lists
to pretend that i know
exactly what to do with my life.

where my brain reminds me
you'll never be normal.

Aug 2017 · 336

hike

harlee kae Aug 2017

hike

12 miles total
5 miles up
it starts pouring
i slip in muck
slice my hand
it starts to bleed
the throbbing pain
just what i need
to remind me
i have more to give
despite the downs
still life to live

Jul 2017 · 294

NM

harlee kae Jul 2017

NM

running towards the mountains
that i know i'll never reach
my lungs are on fire,
and i'm fine with that.
the water rushes by,
the trees engulf me,
and the wildflowers bloom
to remind me that
beauty doesn't need to be
tamed.
for i am merely a speck
on this great, expansive world
and i feel so very free
in my insignificance.

Jul 2017 · 239

details

harlee kae Jul 2017

details

everyone is so focused
on the big picture
that they forget
the most important part of life
is in the details

the little things
that make a person
who they are

coffee or tea
sunsets or sunrises
roses or wildflowers
beaches or mountains

find beauty
in the smallest parts
of someone
because they're
the most important

Jul 2017 · 278

who am i

harlee kae Jul 2017

who am i

i pull on my lip
because i want to look hot.
and lips are hot, right?
i cry more over a character in a book
than a character in my life.
somedays everything seems beautiful.
somedays nothing does.
and
i act like i don't care about a thing.
because being uninterested
makes me interesting,
right?

Jul 2017 · 564

life with you

harlee kae Jul 2017

life with you

i don't know why
but here we are
you pulled me from the dark void
i thought was life
and showed me true possibilities

Jul 2017 · 397

Untitled

harlee kae Jul 2017

Untitled

i think
i think too much
about stuff i shouldn't
think about
but it's like
everywhere
you've ever been
was soaked
in the essence
of you

Jul 2017 · 188

scars

harlee kae Jul 2017

scars

they're still there
but you have to be close
to see them
and really
most people
just don't care enough
to look

Jul 2017 · 319

daydream land

harlee kae Jul 2017

daydream land

you ask me if
you should go to florida
i swallow my pride
and say no
i beg you to stay with me
promise to take you
to the beach myself
someday

i turn my cowardice
into courage
and believe in us
more than i believe
in the world's opinions
of us

Jul 2017 · 352

guz

harlee kae Jul 2017

guz

every day was gray
and cloudy
so i always felt down
because i thought
the sky was a reflection
of myself

then you came into my life
and suddenly i realized
there was sun

Jul 2017 · 181

Untitled

harlee kae Jul 2017

Untitled

we're just two needy people
needing each other

Jul 2017 · 249

3/2/15

harlee kae Jul 2017

3/2/15

gosh my hair is one big knot
my eyes are blurred at the edges
i can't think straight
(that's a movie about lesbians by the way)
i want him
and i know you'd be disappointed in me
but he made my hair one big knot
he knows why my eyes are blurred
his lips are what boggle my mind
and you don't know any of this
you aren't allowed to be disappointed

when you don't know me anymore

Jul 2017 · 386

are you afraid?

harlee kae Jul 2017

are you afraid?

of thunder, who shakes and rattles the earth
of lightning, who illuminates the sky
of rain, who beats against the window and stings your skin with her kisses

because I, I adore them
and maybe that's why I adored you
because you
were the most perfect storm of them all

Jul 2017 · 426

alive

harlee kae Jul 2017

alive

i don't think i knew what it meant
to be alive
until you came into my life
whispering words
that wrapped around me
like a blanket
in the middle of the night
when everything felt vulnerable
and everything felt possible

Jul 2017 · 197

thoughts from 2013

harlee kae Jul 2017

thoughts from 2013

she holds my head and I hold hers
and we press our foreheads together
and I feel strong.
I don’t know what she is feeling,
but I don’t think its strength.
Me though,
I feel strength.
  I feel empowerment.
  I want her.
  I want us.
  And nothing
and no one
will stand in the way of that.
  Of that I am certain.

So, I was wrong.
But that's okay. All love is beautiful, even if it's only right in the moment.
It's now 2017. I'm with someone new.
And nothing and no one will stand in the way of that.

Jul 2017 · 552

mine

harlee kae Jul 2017

mine

"there are only two things i want in this world. i want you and i want us."

Jun 2017 · 243

skin deep

harlee kae Jun 2017

skin deep

i said* i wish i was like the other girls
skinnier, prettier, cooler.

and you didn't even have it in you
to disagree.

Jun 2017 · 772

12/26/16

harlee kae Jun 2017

12/26/16

i was fighting sleep and now it wont come
of course thats how life works
i feel sad
sorry sad
i am horrible and i hate hurting you
i never want to hurt you
i didnt mean to hurt you

but i did
and on christmas
i ****
im sorry
i know its not enough
but its all i have to give
believe it
or not
but i wish you were here right now
because no one should go to sleep angry or sad
and now we both will

i hope you sleep
i hope it comes quickly and lasts until morning
i hope you feel at peace
i hope you dont hate me
i dont want to fight
im sorry that we fought
we're not the people that fight
and my heart is breaking

come back tomorrow
and lets try again
to treat one another
as a best friend
come back tomorrow
and i promise i'll stay
right by your side
and wont turn you away

Jun 2017 · 218

Untitled

harlee kae Jun 2017

Untitled

I keep getting off track,
but I guess I can’t talk about falling in love
without talking about all that it entangled.
And let me tell you, when you fall in love
it will change every aspect of your life.
It isn’t all laughter and joking around like in the movies.
Sometimes you don’t even get to talk to each other.
Sometimes people don’t even know you’re in love.
But no matter what struggles you go through
it will always seem worth it.
At the end of the day when you’re lying in bed
with an important person’s face splayed across your eyelids
you have a sense of belonging,
and that’s when you know
it will always be worth it.

Jun 2017 · 404

epiphany

harlee kae Jun 2017

epiphany

finally realizing something..
we live in our own realities
and i can't be mad
just because your reality was different
from the one i lived in

May 2017 · 182

permanent paint

harlee kae May 2017

permanent paint

your name's still on my floor
from that spring break
years ago
when we painted it
for something to do
and i see it sometimes
when i go home
and i laugh
remembering how badly
you didn't want to sign your name
even though everyone else was
that should have been my first clue
even at the beginning
you didn't want to leave a permanent mark
because you knew
you wouldn't be

Mar 2017 · 611

M.M.

harlee kae Mar 2017

M.M.

three years ago
i had a broken heart
and i didn't know you
but i asked you for help
and you were there

here we are today
roles reversed
and you told me
i'm lonely
and i layed in bed
and cried for you

i sent you all the hope
and all the love
i had within me
but did you feel it at all

i want you to be okay
because you're my friend
and i love you dearly
you deserve to be okay
even more than okay

i hope you know
i think of you
ying to my yang
lumos to my nox

and i pray you're okay
and i **send you my love

Mar 2017 · 291

...tired

harlee kae Mar 2017

...tired

i'm getting tired again
i'm wearing down
things are starting to look bleak
like they used to
i thought it was over
i thought i was done
how do i fix this
myself

Feb 2017 · 507

indifference

harlee kae Feb 2017

indifference

it's funny
just a bit
(but not really)
how i mostly just write
in a state of depression
as if happiness
is something too great to share
because happiness isn't experienced alone
so why tell strangers about it

but sadness, jealousy, heartbreak
those are lonely emotions
so i write
hoping to get some kind of validation
hoping a stranger will reach out
and tell me i'm not crazy
for my thoughts,
and they have

strangers have been there
far more than friends
on the long nights
when i'm too ashamed
to do anything but hide behind a computer

and now i'm just here
in a place of indifference
wondering why i stopped writing
wondering why the good times
can't also be shared

i'm stuck
in this rut
and i've made friends
have a boyfriend
a dog
the whole thing

but i miss the comfort of strangers
who know me more intimately
than anyone else

Jan 2017 · 460

Passion

harlee kae Jan 2017

Passion

Negativity swirls around me like the storm outside my door,
reminding me of all the things I've told myself before;
you aren't good enough or smart enough or worthy enough to make it,
everything I've said before to the point where I can't take it.
But then a thought appears that subsides all the self hate,
it's Francis Chan telling me Isaiah 55:8.

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts and My ways are not your ways.."
I criticize myself
for the things that God does praise.
He sees me in a greater light, knit perfectly together
and He loves me for the way I am, in any kind of weather.

Sep 2016 · 314

work,cleo,school,you

harlee kae Sep 2016

work,cleo,school,you

and i'm overwhelmed again
i'm in that place again
just need to see your face again
i'm tired
i'm breaking
i'm shutting down
and its only been a day
but its like a week or two
and i don't know what to do
or who i am when i'm not with you
just don't get tired of me too
i've been crying a lot
i mean i'm really stressed
i'd understand if you couldn't take it
but please my love lets make it
i can't take more disappointment
all i need is your arms
right now
and maybe i'll be okay

Jul 2016 · 413

my memories aren't yours

harlee kae Jul 2016

my memories aren't yours

worked tonight. saw my friend trey.
he talked about you, i feel like hell.

apparently you'd been working as well.

he said he knew we dated,
but he didn't know you broke my heart.

i guess when talking about me, you forgot that part.

it's been awhile.
a year? or two?

since the last time when i thought of you.

it's fine, i told myself this time.
it doesn't matter what you think.

but i gave everything i was, and still you let me sink.

you cheated on me years ago.
it seems i haven't mended.

tonight i have gratitude, it ended when it ended.

for when you broke up with me,
yeah i fell apart.

but a few months after that, i got a brand new start.

Nov 2015 · 1.5k

gold

harlee kae Nov 2015

gold

you know those scenes in the movies where everything kinda slows down and you don't hear voices but music, and it's probably acoustic, but also happy too and everything is gold because of the sun and the people's smiles and you stare at the screen and just feel that maybe life is gonna be okay ?
that's how I feel about you.
yeah life gets crazy sometimes and I get anxious and moody and frustrated, but then I look at you and life feels better, and everything sorta turns gold.

Nov 2015 · 518

dePRESSion

harlee kae Nov 2015

dePRESSion

depressing
and stressing
*******
my mind
to wrap up my heart
so it won't fall apart
and it can have safety this time