Internalize
what you love,
despise
desire
lose yourself, entire

yet don't dismiss
that inner tormented artist
when did we proclaim
that our dreams were unattainable?

The serpent of jealousy
slides through dusty veins
that trace your skeleton
so delicate

desire
to be empty
an addiction to the act of forgetting
yet you give permission
to your heart
you allow its hypnotic rhythm
to continually keep you up at night

rhetoric
is art
is falling
is free
unlike the cost
of loving what kills you
of loving
what is "me"

Beyond any language
I need the temptation
like rusted gears
turning in empathy
catharsis

taste iron and smile
for all the times you couldn't make it
yet still did
idiotic content
of the communal brain that we sustain
the sickness we maintain

stepping into balance
between the start
and end of things.
canceling the feelings
of forward motion,
though holding momentum
through tumbled emotion.
I can't help
(or maybe won't)
but feel lost and misled
given all away
only to find myself
at a starting place
in overgrown footsteps
that took away
my need to believe.

Mindless chatter
seems much less shallow
when you can shout out insecurity
and they refuse to hear
"I'll jump"
"come on, just do it, you won't fall."
you couldn't take a moment to listen?
I'll jump
I don't trust my feet
stealing my life
that I'm still reaching to regain
leaping into deep
blue
like my lips
many moments
after I tried to tell you
I'll jump
yet you won't hear what you cannot understand
please learn to respect
and accept
that I'm allowed to feel pain
your ignorance
won't fix
a situation that you're blind to
(I just though't I'd remind you)

Confusion
sink
you loved me, I think
I am the weakest link
in this false democracy

**** your hypocrisy
I'm getting out of my head
I'll be back when we're dead
everywhere that you tread

time is ticking
distance is tricking
you into oblivion
the war that noone won
you're still fighting but we're done

it's laughable, your pride
the tension in your stride
the pathetic ways you hide

we're right behind you
until you see us
it won't be true

don't look back.

bittersweet dreams
like
that
gaping old victorian
with dusty stairwells
only swept by drifts of passing wind
calling you
with echoed longing

empathetic with
the rarely seen or heard
little soul
in the walls
occasionally tip tapping

up        above        your        bed


dancing on your head

those shooting shivers
sent from the grave
forgotten and walked on
and oh so,
******* beautiful

feel endlessly alive
like those nights that you attempt to forget

trying to find quiet
fighting my body
battling my mind

I hurt
in ways well described
by the clocks ticking time
chasing rhymes
with false sincerity

alone
like the one emotion
you refuse to show

sometimes
the right words
don't seem long enough
like the space I have to fill
in this universe
isn't quite the right fit
but I'm far too stubborn to quit
simplistic
my cerebral prescense
is elastic

I feel like a shadow of your chaos
following in time
stepping carefully through the rubble
the things you've left behind
so precious to some
mean so little to us
we run and we run
leaving everyone in our wake
I'm so fond of the way
you hold my hands when they shake
you taste like soaking sugar cubes
sickly sweet something I remember
we'll never see another summer or december
this is our finale

the floorboards of
my chest
creak
when half a year later
you're still in my dreams
they strain
and rasp
I can't last
like this

surrounded

For emptiness,
Or maybe lack of a better word.
I still look at your pictures
I need to be a little more like you
For envy,
I can't wish you well
I don't want you to win
Though I imagine you still do
For pity
I sometimes wonder if you realize
What it is to be truly alive
But who am I to show you?

frustration
to say the least
to say the most
my thoughts have ceased
to make sense at all
you dropped your responsibility
of standing by my side
I have no concept
of what sprints through your mind

its not me

it never will be

at least not how
all the poets made me dream

She’s hidden
A garden of dreams and buried memories
He craved the air she breathed
you’ll never leave
you’ll never leave
caught up in the seams
she seemed to gleam
secrets and lies
she secretly tries
but no one will believe her
so she plasters roses
on top of her bruises
she tries and loses
loses track of who is
worth running away from
its night so here they come
you better run
you better run

when will I shift
no longer observing
but playing in your game

I am sick
of seeing all of you yearning
because you all just want the same

grant yourselves the silence
at least the sincerity
of truth

answer the questions
you've been avoiding
but not because I want you to

tell her, write to her, call her, even though you shouldn't
don't run away, confess to all, even though you said you wouldn't

Hold in your sentiments

My palms itch from holding on

Remember this jump
As the most graceful thing I've ever done.

I don't want to live long enough
To be a disappointment.

.
Often forgetful
Yet so rarely forgiving
We spin, on and on.

..
I am ever so
In debt to the beginning
For learning to love

...
Every time I
Let go of your memory
I remember more

....
Every passed glance
Is just another reason
To learn how to shine

.....
I am more and more
Becoming what you looked for
My timing needs work

hate
is a strong word
I assume that's why you use it
hate
is perhaps
the one emotion
I've never felt

I carry this
heavy emptiness
as if
it was never lifted
never full

overcast eyes
throbbing soreness
in my chest
tightened around
the wounds
where those simple things
have stabbed me

oh I grow so tired
of wondering why
of simmering with sorrow
and painfully spitting
blood
from all the times
I bite my tongue

yet I cannot
will not
show

when you read this
please consider
cutting the *******
just tell me your truth
crush this ridiculous
daydream
that I could know you

Frustration
  seeping through my muscle
unnamed expressions of
    that new human emotion
       its older than most
what are we compared to?

I breathe air like it's impossible to swallow
    a paradox
forgetting the fond memories

left with the ones that tear at the seams
     (nothing is as it seems)
It's art
even the horrific
long lost
  repressed

hiding under quilts
of ignorance
of silent disdain

there are aspects
of myself
that I can be convinced
are beautiful
it is my self
as a whole
that drives me further
into loathing.

I don't like running
because
I don't like feeling weight
the constant taunt
of up down
crashing forward
relentless
unexpected

but I've been running
my whole life

I only carry
what I know I can drop
I am temporary
like a bandage
but your wounds need to breathe
like those fleeting
days that taste
like what we thought we'd be

I'm sorry if
it bruised
when I let you go
if those dragging scars
keep the past alive
the past
you're so keen
to deny

I'd apologize
but my truth
is only harder than fiction
every denied suspicion
is now our existence
then and now
I'd drop anything
(everything)
to hold
you

it took me
many nights
torment
of swallowing
the salt water
and everything
we meant

but
somehow
in the mornings
I no longer taste
your name

Can you feel the electricity between our hands?
Daring them to touch
To give in
It's a challenge
Its a question of sin
Almost like a test
I have nothing to lose
I don't even have you
I can feel the churning of your mind
Ideas being analyzed
Inspiration squeezed dry
Imagine if we touched,
Danced,
Loved,
The sparks that could fly
Our dreams would never die,
But you left
You walked away
Leaving me with a smile
At what could have been,
Still on my face

I can't fathom
The emptiness you've left
In this universe
In lives
In existence
That leaves it dull
That leaves us lacking
I would give you a million
Of my breaths
If it would mean
You'd breathe just once, again.
Please forgive
My insensitive words
Because you're suddenly gone now
And all I think about
Is what I'm missing.
Your belief in laughter medicine
And your hand on my shoulder
When I felt less than I should.
I would give you
A thousand river dips
And sun beams
If it would mean
You could Be,
again.

Less than content with
the content you're left with
corrupted
with eroded shoulders
worn down by
the weight of your potential

don't believe in fate
if god decides to show its face
**** on your words
here that bitter regret
bruising

test the limits
of your passion
of your trust
one is daunting
the other claustrophobic
to be caged so tightly by anxiety

tortured by the thought of imperfection

forgetting you (us)
is like trying
to bury a legend

I’m lost
It’s 8oclock
the sand beneath my feet slowly rising to my brain
speeding up my pace
I can’t help but feel responsible
Because I let you believe
that you were half broken

The car breaks down
and the window’s still shattered
I lose your touch as we drown
Sending peals of laughter
through the atmosphere
Did they find you?
Or are you still in hiding
Breathing in the embers
feeling your way through
before anyone else could get to you
and leave an impression
Like the hand prints on the sidewalk
grasping for some form of immortality,
you were some kind of magic

My fingers tremble
unable to keep them still
I attempt to create something

a second glance

maybe a reason to smile

they trace your perfect shape
your hills and valleys
the dips of your spine
raising your nerves

and on my neck
I feel the warmth of your breath
calming mine

its almost as if
this moment
could carry on
infinite

my fingers dance gently
down your back
barely making contact
but still we touch

like if I can
outline your entire being
and capture this moment

maybe then you'll stay

forever

like we were too scared to say

I bring my fingers to your lips
and below your jaw
and I see the reflection of my dreams in your eyes

I promise
promise

promise

that we can be
infinite

Bruised hips and lips
dragging themselves desperately
endless sensual friction
*******
smacking
crude, raw

stay true
to the muse of our generation
we were never taught
to share what we're given
precious garbage
spewed out of consumation
a spiral of artistic fury
the scratch of losing your voice
the voice that once
harmonized with lies

washed out external flame
burn bridges you've never crossed
for fear of humiliation
embers branding sin
into skin

slick like sticky fingers
groping bodies for a grip
to pull yourselves out
of the hell
called introspection

you are a moonlit chaotic mind
on the roots
forming roads to that which we lost

I've held my muse
kissed the lips that mumble
my melodic lullaby

a sexed up nighttime walker
click clack
down empty streets
full to the brim
with disgusting dreams

I photograph the secrets of the city
stealing your fondest darkness
and publishing the shameful lust
for them all to see
the vultures
hunting with talons of words so sharp
teeth bared, dripping ink
onto the forehead of the dreamer

toss turning on rough,
pure, delinquent ambition
what you taste after years
of restless sleep

I've ignored endless regrets
but not one about opening a ming
brilliantly high
choose a new poison
and slip into a sense of entitlement.

A false hope
of belonging

shaded by disappointed lectures
by an idolized puppeteer of authority

shameless
we toss our ideals on the roots below
to gain one free moment
from thought

look back on that body
think of the grunting
sweating
pouring ink onto pillows
secreting through stretched pores
letting the dreamer sleep,
and the others dream
on these brightest nights

no more possessive pronouns
no one wonders
like we used to
no greater power is knocking

we're convicts of our own convictions

a paradox
air gets hard to swallow
hide under your quilt
of disdain and guilt

keep me afloat
but never show me how

On a train to anywhere
I read scribbled love notes
from a stranger

we believe
in the narcissistic consumption of thought
is that art?

bite my dancing tongue
like electric mollasses
I slide down your throat

thoughts bleed through my sinuses
once again

but I wont give up

we live, in a cryptic sense
steps through the rubble
the things we've left behind
like a shadow of your chaos
sickly sweet soaking sugar

a finale
that doesn't have an end.

tick tock tick
enflame creativity and begin
swallow your diction
begin to feel sick
taste of acidity
like all those years ago
living in hell

eroded finger tips
and silly scars

look me in the eye
I know a lie
when I'm being raised by one

digress
into the silence of understanding
calm my tremors
hold my shaking limbs
against your ever beating chest

shivers down my spine
like blaming you

for why I am.

What are we fighting?
do you remember?
we are diseased, displeased,
definition of undone

wait for the sound
to reassure you
you're not alone
even knowing, that you won't answer

clocks continue
to dictate lives
I want to get out
of my head
my body
my mind

there is no ink that could satisfy
my shaking fingers
aching for more
for comfort
for truth

perhaps we ache
we crave
the fear

remember the silence?
your sweetest secret place
they found you there
and lit a match to serenity

do we believe because we exist?
or exist because we believe?

questions haunting your daydreams
your night terrors
black like a lack
of anything
empty
but filled with subconscious

Your comprehension
of the space between my words
shocks
scares
excites me
makes me fall in love

I am the monster under your bed
eating your heart
I am the monster, I live in your head,
breaking you apart

**** time
and space if you can
taste each other
late in the night
summer haze
and the numbness of winter weeks
cold, still

diagnoses
never live up to our childhood dreams
inhale the novocaine air
lose your attempted symmetry

I still kiss your picture
every night before I dream
waiting for the day
I'll bleed from the shattered glass

pass the craved smoke
mouth to mouth
with the unsaid urgency
of saving yourself

My spine against your heart
arching
stretching
emaciated
grotesque
but you hold on

in our bad habits
we created a home
safe

from the terrors
numb like the nights

a ghost of a persona

Hold in your sentiments
that jump
the most graceful thing I've ever done

dive into the rabbit hole
singing all the while
weightless
approaching non existence

our veins are burning
we'll plead insane
its all wrong
you won't believe
that I don't lie through these false teeth
a breed of actors

do we let the emptiness win?
primal
naked
soaking in spotlights
slip into easy old footprints

but its only a dream
reasons fade
and scars stack up
what would you have done?

terrified and thrilled
drowning in ink
squeeze each other dry
take and take
and tick tock tick

affectionate bile
bitter honesty
you still feel sick
regret tastes like envy

running on instinct
continuity is a curse
I confess
I try to be distant
different?
anything but in the moment

recognize your delusions
don't count on the constant beat or breath
leave your artificial loyalty

you itch to collapse
to make an impact.

We don't want to be found
waste your smiles
on pretty girls
who will never look twice
at reality

but who are we to say otherwise?

search for a purpose
under faded city lights
looking for change
but change would find us

inhale the iron aroma
of flesh
veins
mind games

**** like vapid animals
what we were meant for, right?
allow smoke to tear your lungs
and bite your nails until they bleed

you are my melody
and I can be the beat.

who engraves the graves?
we discovered it all
and grow but never age

dive in and out of my bones
sleep with limbs knitted
sinking back and forth
throbbing bodies
we've got nothing

nothing to lose

My mouth moves in a lonely way.
My breath knows no idea of continuity.
I believe only in the narcissistic consumption of thought.

Is that art?

You confessed to sinning in the womb.
But on your grave, there will be no roses.
Nothing left for your bones.
Just steps sending you shivers.
Taunting you.
Can this last?
My hair tangles in the stale air, and I bite my lips, trying to calm their dancing.
They whisper my poorly kept secrets.

This is ours, this empty home.
With polaroids of strangers on the wall.
A mattress that moans as you slump down.

Its been a long day.

Stained glass reflections on my face as I lean against the window pane.
I watch the ways your pupils contract as they meet mine across the bare room.
You down your coffee from this morning, too sweet, making you scrunch up your nose.
Like electric molasses it moves down your throat, it’s taste on your lips.
Where mine were last night.

My mouth is in motion, and you hear my intentions with a filter of hope.

"so, how does that make you feel?"

yes its all in your head
but who are they to say its not real?

You say its anger turned inwards
I’d agree
But the words are caught in my throat
Like the sobbing yells for help
My jaw is locked down like a cage
For introspective hell

Anger turned inwards
Yeah that sounds about right
Hatred or loathing might
Be more true
So I’ve got anger turned inwards
But I still have so much left
For you

I guess it’s in your job description
Measure my mentality
Pump me up with prescriptions
I’m like Charlie ******* Bartlett
I’m your favorite emotional harlot
Give me five minutes
I’ll make you feel connected
I’ll show you my false trust
And I’ll make you regret it

It feels mechanic
Programmed medicating
When I’m still half asleep
Not conscious enough
To pay attention
To my not so subconscious questions
Asking
Who are you
To tell me
That I need to be fixed

I hold so much resentment
For the time that you spend
Surrounding me
With all the facets of help
That I don’t need
Anger turned inwards
Staining every breath
Heavy panting
Straining with this weight on my chest
Anger turned out
Guilt and blame
Overwhelming shame
Because you taught me to never give up
But there’s nothing I want more
Then to slip up
Trip up
Get so high I’ll never come down
Get so high
To get six feet underground

But then again
I got “better”
I disappeared for three months
And I can’t even remember
Why it was so hard
To stand back up
On my own

Compromise
I’ll comfort your mind
But first
I’ve got to confront my lies
See,
I wanted this
Don’t you ever think otherwise
Of course its for attention
But does that make me not ill?
All I wanted was affection
But here I am
Popping pills

Conflicted
With the concept of sickness
I’ve been so desperate for
Identity
Just to feel ******* special
So insecure and lonely
that to get it I felt
I had to purge out my mortality
Make my self unwell
I lived a lie
Until it was true
I wanted this sickness
Until it was all I knew

try not to hear you
in every shout and silence
ringing in my ears

I used to write

like if I said it enough
found the right way
suddenly someone would grasp
understand, untie me

as if, in naming my fears
they would stay in plain sight
not in shadows
dancing on the wall

like if my tongue
could blunder through
the brambles in my throat
I would stay
awake
aware
afloat

In some world
it could almost be funny
that you're this idea
I've been stuck on
but really
you were the first
soul that I ever
found truth in

you saw me
(you promised
you'd never let me
run away)

and I keep avoiding
face to face
because
these awful sobs
get caught in my throat
and I can't know what
god awful noise will escape
in place of "hello"

(I ******* swear
I've moved on)

I haven't heard
your voice in
10 months
(except for
in my head
in my dreams
and
in a voicemail
that you told me
"always")

I am new

but
every ******* word
is still true
and I refuse
to let my
sinking chest
make a lie
out of you

consume
I am hungry for more than matter
for energy
for impossibility
give it to me

I want it all
I want you too
albeit
I'll never give myself back to you

self induced mania
greeting 3am,
hello, my old friend

lately daylight seems surreal

every static breath
revives the throb
of gaping emptiness

obvious, constant screaming
unfinished
incomplete
howling

muffled by
harmful habits
daydreams
and shallow company

crawling from distraction
to distraction
to sleep
but even in dreams
I find
only temporary relief

(I'm screaming)
You told me I was being too loud.
It's silly,
to be neither seen nor heard.

(I'm hiding)
You scold me for interrupting too much.
Even that
Doesn't really seem to work.

I guess I don't want to
seem overbearing
but my senses
are blurred at the edges
and my substance
doesn't feel so substantial at all

Creeping insecurity
that those shooting stars
didn't really fall through
and my wishes
of invisibility
are fading into truth.

You were right about
How all the grey
Might affect my stormy heart
But all the rain has helped me grow
and I keep my shoulders back now

The last thing I would wish you
Is well

Kind of like
when the flames licked up
what I called home,
And every blink
came with a prayer
of waking up,
just the same
I still haven't.
the last time I saw you
my heart red like embers
like your eyes,
and they met mine so empty.
I think back to the past two decembers
wanting and then
having you,
and next
you're just one more person I've hurt
to remember,
left in my chain of
avoidable destruction.
resuscitate
your flashing glances
into sounds that say
you forgive me,
but wishful thinking
is the root of heartbreak
I really don't need
another.

The times I hate
The day is done
I know a lie
When I’m being raised by one

contracting breaths
between the sentences
of those faceless giants
that surround me
without a comprehensible sound
lost
and not quite yet
found
you'll come around,
but only once I've given in
sin, skin, and cigarettes
fleeting hope
and looming regrets
in overcast limbo

fool me once
shame for life
you said you'd never hurt me
but the pain came twice

tell her that she's alone
that she deserved it
she's on her own
well I won't let you take
her voice away
she likes to ****
but you like to pray
kiss and makeup
because there is plenty else to hate
and your ignorance is out of date

your loneliness is just a phase
but hakuna matata is just a phrase
and happily ever after
is just a ghost in the wall
high, tripping, and falling
into ink
into dreams
into distant ****** up haze
of your forgiveness
which I am expected to accept
even when you took away
until there was nothing I had left
an intolerable possibility
that I should be so willing to receive
your gold paved poor intentions

pour them
into my poor eroded throat
just to be evoked
from a bottomless pit
where my insides should be

no clear beginning or end
to myself, or identity
like a blurry negative
or a softly fallen tree
keep the change
the empty promises
the debt and the punishment

but I'm breaking the mirror
and not the habits I loathe
dissociation
a celebration and emancipation
from the tunnels of my mind
winding and finding
yourself
so undone

this is a war that can't be won
without losing