You bleed out and in
These tempting sentiments
Blending into consciousness
Forgetting what is sin
Chills of the ending witching hour
The thrill of isolated power
Alone and wandering
Through barren streets
Feel your bones and your ponderings
Getting honest, losing heat.
Cobblestone streets
Calling out to restless feet
Taunting wired minds
To give in to a sleepless night
And venture into the ever-crisp air
To breathe in smoke and frozen breath
To dare to find what lingers there.

the words don't come
when I try
lightheartedly
to write is to live
is to bleed

I can't compare
perfection
to anomaly
I can't think
I'm trying to breathe

I step out of myself,
lean my weight against the car
let my head roll back,
until the houses and streetlights
are just light pollution
dimming the stars as they come out

I'm too dizzy to stand
but I feel so solid, when it's just me and the wind
I sink back into the blackness between stars
and find comfort
in air running through the trees
reminding me
of all the times
I've started over

come a bit closer
you can't ignore my lightning
I, enlightening

the anonymity
of our crowded cafe glances
grows stale
sitting in my memory

forgive
my hesitation
the crack
of my rusted smile
the escape
of my gasp
It has been a while
I'd almost forgotten
how to laugh

you saved
my soul
when my mind
became poison
(I had to start over
when (y)our love
did the same)

shaken consciousness
still begs for your belonging
still wont let me rest

this is the third time
I've cried about you

we got lost
we fell in love

you wouldn't wake up
and I got bruised

you jumped ship
but
you're something
I'm not willing to lose

my head felt cavernous
though now I doubt
that it's truly there
I grasp for what is happening
but my soul is bleeding out
I could forget to breathe
forget to let my heart beat
forget what language even means
before I could ever
will ever
forget
you

you're right
I don't deserve it
and every always
is a shade for
some uncertain grasp
on why we need other people
why my heart still hurts
and why the good things
can't last

I learn so much
from each time
my heart breaks
from each time
I turn my self off
to keep a straight face
there will probably be more days
but I'm not going to forget
that you ******* walked away

I miss your familiarity
with my silence
your understanding
of my laughter
and your simple way
of letting me know
that I was not alone

I have some books
and their pages stay crisp
and they remain clean
kept in a state
of perfection

I have
no holes
in those sweaters
that stay on the shelf
(those that always
reminded me of you)

what I love
I destroy
(it wasn't meant
to happen with people too)

I see the same hope in each person
Painting faces and holding hands
Lying through false teeth
We’re a breed of actors
So encased in your cravings
Your heart will forget to beat
A momentary lapse of routine
And you’ll fight to regain your senses
In the back of your head
You all want the emptiness to win
Because we’re just passing time
Feeding insecurities
Until it’s over
Maybe I’m selfish
Maybe I’m weak
But it's a primal ache
So close but off limits
You all try but I won’t break
You raise this child just to **** it
Ink fills my pores
Forcing me to remember
Your guilty words and painful lectures
Forgetting expression
Brief interactions with perfection
Isolation
Sinking back into a life I’ve lived before
Swiftly slipping into old footprints
I’m not mental
I’m just sick of feeling
But don’t quite give up dear
Because for now I’m still here
At least for tonight
I will sleep by your side
Ill keep on pretending
And you can keep praying
That maybe some day I’ll turn out all right
It becomes more of an instinct as time goes on
Less of a mask
More comfortable than the truth
My palms sweat
And I begin to forget
What brought me here in the first place?
Words are lost to me
I know I have thought
I don’t know what they mean
I need to run but you’re holding my face
Holding me here for as long as you need
I want to be cut open
I want you to see me bleed
You kiss me with amnesia and leave without a trace
I cover my fears with ideas and stories
I want you to notice but you ******* ignore me
That’s why we’re addicted
Medicating our lives
With make believe and lies
Who’s the director?
The church or the people?
Lets hold each other
As the flames climb the steeple

it was just march first
you kissed my smile good morning
spring, without warning

my angel in red
Let's sing along
to songs only we know
I'll kiss your scars
we can smoke and read Thoreau
until we've forgotten time
and slipped under the moon's glow
my angel in red
you can stop the show
now we're alone
you were a missing thread
in my story
read and reread
trying to comprehend
what I was missing
my angel in red
welcome home

lean your heavy head
on the rough, cool brick
like an unknown mother's breast
tired lungs with your habitual breath
an invisible history
you've become a shadow
in busy streets

feel the complexity
of tired lover's steps
on this worn down
moonlit street

from the shadows you glance
at the click clack noise
and the creature connected
to those hurried feet

she looks up at your movement
startled and tense
eyes full of fear

what does she expect?
(not kindness)

if only she knew
it was all you had left to offer.

can you see the future
or I suppose a future
is what I'm getting at,
but I'm asking so much more
than that
I know what you have to say
and I don't want to hear it
in the first place

self harm
can pass undetected
as simply existing

daydreams and
shallow company
(your small talk
means so much to me)

Love stained my soul
like
charcoal
But somehow you
Made it under my skin
I tried to dig you
Out of my veins
I bled out
But you stayed in

I wonder who
You assume
These words are really for

(If you think you are
'You'
You probably are)

I am independent and sentient
and patience has never been my virtue
expectations only lead me to hurt you
because with a broken heart
my hairs raise
my eyes ablaze
and my edges sharp
so as you attempt
to clean up your mess
you cut your
pretty face
on the jagged shape
of my  e m p t i n e s s

the air stings my bare skin
I can see my breath
I can see an escape
the overcast white is too bright
for my tired eyes
and my wandering heart
and two different cars
crashed in the exact same spot
two mornings in a row

and I could only help but laugh
at the synchronicity of the universe
or the foolishness of young toyota drivers
trying to believe their own mystery

two mornings in a row
I'm at loss for words
or certainty
but today
I saw an exit,
and it wasn't nosediving off the road

Trying to create just a moment of silence
Pure enough to hear my thoughts

But I can't stop the wind
Or my heart beat
Not yet

Its a compromise
To listen to the anxious whirring of my breath
The only constant
But I don't count on it at all

Its just like you said
I wish we had taped it
Like frosting over with a photograph

I know that
with your
little fixes
you're always
just trying
to help me get better
but
I am
so much better where
I am

exhausting
every possibility
of how I am
becoming
                 limitless

something has clogged
my truth within me
rusted pipes
deny me
my iv drip of honesty
the syllables that used to slip
right out
now crawl
with the echoed
tip tap
of blind rats
finding their way
to light

4 o'clock blues
soften the edge of inspiration
dull the blade
I use
to shave off the sadness

I'm too up to function
pulse thumps and thoughts running
there's no pause
in my head
there's no break
for my nerves
even though I've changed
there's no promise that
I'm now being heard
I kept my end of the bargain
It's your turn
Keep your word

I know
mostly
I don't even write anymore
in my streaks of
4 o'clock
the words barely come to my throat
and then fall into a knot
clotted coughs
taste like red roots and hip hop

I lust for you
to think of me
daydream
of your scribbled greetings
of your silent longing,
your thoughts of me
(thinking of you)

thirsty
for some confession
of truth
something drastic, something new

in this stagnant springtime

colours, bright and harsh
yet they fall upon me
oh so dull
the wind avoids my skin
walking in a vacuum
so constantly numb
so ardent for
a crack in
the continuity

it subdues
any passion
even my hatred
for routine

letting me subconsciously
slip
into the nightmare
of the "american dream"
the steady pretending
this enmeshment
it infects
the very seams of
my existence

Breathe with me now
Let your worries melt
In the rays of sunlight hitting your face
Illuminating
Your shoulders drop
The wind plays with your hair
Twisting
Tangling
Touching
Skimming your skin
You hear the whispers
No one else could understand
Your lungs fill
Feel their tension
Release the breath
Along with all discomfort
Through your closed eyes
See the shadows of a cloud pass
Across the sky
Laugh
Hear it echo around you
Leaving the trace of a smile on your face
Stay while it disappears into the air
The breeze carrying it on
Taste the sweet summer
Let it roll around your mouth
Purified
Breathe with me now

Listing reasons for breathing,
Why my heart should keep beating,
It all comes down to you.
You're the reason I put the pills down
You're my anchor, my heart, and my truth.
If I could save you from the world, I would, and I've tried,
I'm protecting You from me every time that I lie.
Because you can't see the bottle, the smoke or the scars,
I'm filled up with monsters, and you can't know what they are.
Binging and purging, starving and carving sin into my skin.
If I hurt me I hurt you,
I live to hear you laugh.
I know you could make it all alone,
But you don't have to do it on your own.
And even if I die tonight
In the end you'll be alright,
You'll hear fire, tearing through the air
big brother don't be scared.
Know the sound of your sister's soul,
Know that the monsters swallowed her whole
You're the strongest man I've ever known
I know your smile better than I know my own
And when I'm only ashes in the air
Remember that I'm always there.

I never had the chance
to hear 'I miss you'
uttered from your lips
with any hint
of you sincerely being serious

I can feel the freedom
tearing me
limb from limb
because my core burns out
but my ribs cave in
and every notch on my bedpost
doesn't feel like victory
or anything, really
because the last time I felt
was the last time I said
I miss you
and I won't put myself
through righteous hell
(again)

even though here I stand
pulling excuses from thin air
like,
you forgot your pen,
you still have my sweater,
I still have your virginity,
tucked into that drawer
that I won't open
because it smells like home
and
we both know that would drive me
right over the edge

yet you also know so well
that if I was presented with 'home'
I wouldn't be able to tell
the difference.
So when I say home,
I'm inferring
that it tasted like your absence
and passive aggression
and sheets tangled with sweat
no longer from passion
but from the constant
cage of dreaming
taking a weightless axe
to throats
to home
to anyone
who dares to say
that I've moved on
because

I've moved seventeen times
and never once
have I felt like
I did with your face in my hair
and my chin on your chest
like home.
and I've avoided it so long
and now it's or I am gone
and either way
your eyes shift past my face
past my naked sincerity
past my begging for
'I miss you's
that won't come home.

frantic
hands ripping through air
reaching for a grasp
on your sadness

I have been
will be
am
enraptured in your temperature.
contented in contempt
for your fairytale past
impossible
to impact

yet coveting the forbidden
taste
of imprints
in your reality
sparks a dorment sentiment
of such coarse,
rough reciprocity

tempting taste of your bliss
come close
and through shifting smoke
we can descend into
crude togetherness

your chest so tight
threatening
to crush the ribs within
to silence
the heart cried raw
that reminds you
what you've lost

melancholy
has this
terrible accuracy
when it anchors down
right where
you needed security
the most

the tangible enormity
of your absence
is unsettling
especially considering
you were
never here at all

you introduced me
to a poverty like none before
it seems it's difficult to see
how deeply you're lacking
until you've been full

with such audacity
you tucked my heart away
and with such disgusting subtlety
I taste the distance as you stray

the lulls of fog hug close
to the hips of the hills
caught
in the soaked grass
and the sighs of February

the styrofoam sticks
burned to the roots,
compact in the cracks
of the sidewalk so packed
into my memory

and the powdered
assimilation
leaves sweetness
on the base of my tongue

the hooves of fog
race us
they dance between the trees
bucking at the thunder
at the bursting
of my anticipation

wednesday
isolation like
that forgotten middle syllable

I'm choking on
suppressed understanding
of this slow but sturdy
change
in your contact
in our formality

I hate to admit that
I would ever want anything
to stay the same

for your thoughts
for your wishes
for our distance
for your kisses
for clichés
for the comfort
for 365 days
for many more
for silly honesty
for seasons slipping by
a dozen, bright red roses
for a love that keeps us
high

My hair tickles your lower lip
As you lean in
Kiss my forehead

I could think of no better place
Then pressed into your chest

I confess
I'll always be a little bit distant

I like to think that the sunlight
Reflects my smile into my eyes

But I've been known to have delusions
And you'll always be the muse to
My chronic daydreams

desperately
attempt an escape
from cliché
and doing so
live another

midnight musings
jotted down in
cluttered notebooks

they never seem as grand
as they did
with heavy eyelids

time is
smiling
at the thought of you
and my eyes only sting
for a moment

and even if I miss you
I've stopped reminiscing
about
hot summer kisses in the dust
while those feelings
plagued me
with too big and too much
I'm sorry you had me
when I wasn't much

time is
your name
still catches in my throat
but now I know
it was never because
I wasn't enough

Do you remember
The first time we kissed?
It was like I couldn't breathe anything
But the smell of your skin.
You were, are, will be
Every poetic sentiment
That I ever need.
I don't know how to live,
If not with you,
I'm scared shitless
Now that I have to,
But 3,377 miles
Can't stop me from loving you
More than  
All the daisies under the sun
And all the bubbles in the sea
I love you more than lightning storms
And every leaf on every tree
You are the sun, moon and stars
The very air that I breathe.
Distancing myself won't help
Because I had to choke down
An imperfect goodbye
No words in any language
Exist to say what I need
You echo in my existence
Every time I laugh, kiss, cry or bleed
And no physical distance
Changes that first kiss
Or touch, or love.
When I'm lost
Ill remember your lips
That tought me how to miss you
I kissed you goodbye
But nothing near final
Because together
Ill settle for nothing less than forever
Before long you'll be seeing me
I'm scared as hell but
I'm still on my feet
Step by step
Moment by moment
Breath by breath
We will learn
How to be.

I am all too fondly reminiscent of illness and shivers of melancholy. Like a raindrop, going nowhere but down, yet surrounded. As long as I'm not alone... though I crave your comfort like home. Where did you go? What did I say? What do they so easily offer, when I give you my heart and soul. No, you've always had them. You are my introduction and epilogue, you are my deepest, softest, whispered words come alive. You are my dream yet my night mare, because with you I am vulnerable. Conflict in your smile, in your tender caress and kiss. Unspoken, we always have been. Shall we evolve? Fade from the dim moonlit night into full, bright, blissful sunshine?

But then... there will always be clouds.

So?
Let's stop running from the shade, let's learn to dance together in the downfall of rain.

All I can say is
I guess I'm pretty happy
you asked me that, too.

these words spread out,
in letters left but not forgotten
on screens that light up lonely rooms

praying silently
that you will read a deeper meaning
confessions and obsessions
longing for recognition

but in the end
it's more than that

it's thirsting for
enigmatic connection
lusting after
someone
anyone
to unravel

and in turn
to unravel me

someone who won't believe me
when I'm lying to myself
someone who will disentangle
the shadowed shambles
that haunt my bones

I pine for
a soul
to comprehend the corners of my mind
to memorize the knots along my spine

in the end
I cannot fathom
why any soul would try

cough
like you could evict
the bitter thickness
of failure from your lungs
purge the fallacies you're pounded with
the shame
of cheap whiskey
and the voicemails you've saved
just to remind yourself
that you ruined things
punishment
because it feels righteous
when it comes from within
cough
and when your lungs settle
the heaviness remains
so take another desperate drag
because perhaps
this will finally be your last

I hear you
like the ringing in my ears
in the time
between consciousness
and dreams

fading scar tissue on my skin
feels so far from healing

aggressive breath
anxious sweat
pearls at the base of my neck

like puddles reflecting
that one lit up window
that spoke volumes
on the subject
of loneliness
and surrender

smog drifting higher
hugging the sun
in its suffocating embrace
so let the kids play
because tomorrow
the headlines could tell you
that it's finally time
to give up
give in
give away
anything
and everything you tried to save

cough like
your eroded throat
is the holy vessel
and your pain is scripture
pretend you didn't repeat
the things you pretended
to not have heard
so give me your last breath
and I give you my word
I'll never let your anguish
be remembered

so come on
and cough.

How about
we explore
and expose
the underbelly
of our drunken tongues

I want to fall in love
with your ugly
and
forget why
once morning has begun

I inhale
until the fabric of my lungs burn
stretched
and then collapse

I still feel cheated

did you steal the oxygen too?
or maybe just enough
that I'd never feel full

punishment
for surviving
I suppose

I'm getting worse at asking for help, it happens gradually but I'm learning to see the beauty in healing. Growing pains have shown me the strength in scar tissue. I've been inside my head all too often, being isolated and isolating (two very different things, mind you).
There's some fear now, there's no denying. I do my best to not let go of hope, as to never lose it.
I grew up fast, pulling up against gravity and history. I'm learning now how to stand up straight.
Thank you, S, for granting me a safe space, and for letting me be honest with myself.
I crave meaningful goodbyes, though I don't count this as a goodbye at all.
For once I feel I can finally say "hello."
Thank you for letting me feel, and never asking me to.
I've tasted the power of my voice; you've saved and changed my life.
The only way I will repay you is to live my life with even half as much kindness and beauty as I have seen in you. You inspire me, and for that I am forever grateful.

Thank you for giving me the courage to heal.