you just don't grasp
I can't get it through your skull
but I'm not even allowed to be angry

frustration
deliberation

**** your indecisive mind
and your lack of opinion
the way you ***** me over
just because you forget that I'm fragile

but I'm not even allowed to be mad

I can't even scream

so I'm left with all this pent up hell
and the sweetest kiss on the cheek

Hello?
Are you there?
Can you feel the wind pushing our bodies together?
Lets cut off all our hair and **** until daylight
Listen to our favorite songs until we don’t even need to sing along
I’ll let you trace my body on your sheets so you don’t suffer from bad dreams
If you’ll teach me how to run away
You’ve always been the best.
Lets carve new patterns in your palm
Like a maze keeping you in the moment
Lets allow the smoke to tear our lungs
Lets sing jazz and dance to silly love songs
Lets get high and dream up a world of our own
Lets kiss until we can’t tell the difference between our lips
Lets pretend that the clocks have stopped.
Lets embrace the imperfections and be honestly in love
Lets hide where no one will find us,
Because you’re the only person that I still trust.
Lets forget the ******* who didn’t believe
Never cry and keep a smile on your face
You can be the melody
I can be the bass
We can write our own reality into the night
We can finish each other’s sentences
And our history will be engraved
Into melted marble.

take what you will
we all choose our poison(s)
we've only got time
(and ourselves) to ****,
so don't overcalculate
the moments
that we're given

purpose
becomes a slipping memory
I forget the ways my joints used to move
to put pen to paper
and let loose my imagination
my heart
my soul
my unknown longings
I am lacking
but I've lost the ability to find out how
investing in passion
losing sight of my drive
I despise
everything that leaks out of my mind
come back
let me be
once again

I ask what you're looking for,
I never even fathomed
that you could be
happy where you are.

you are more than
those memories
than the bruises on your heart

more than folded corners
marking passages
that feel like home

more than what you lack
and
more than what you have

you are
more than enough

her hands told me stories
as they nervously drifted
towards my own

they spoke of goodbyes
of second guesses
of loss

but most of all
they spoke of
                          *hope

you with your eyes that shade of black
your skin that shade of pale
your hope that shade of never coming back
they don’t notice you feel frail

you left the table with a smile
your hair flowing down your spine
you’ll be one moment, yet that moment lasts a while
they all believe that you’re just fine

you return with eyes all blurry
you forgot to let down your hair
you change the subject in a hurry
you’re too in tune with all these stares

regurgitate your fears
and pray to that porcelain lord
you’ve been praying all these years
to this hell that you’ve adored
so tell me
where in hell is your reward?

You see things with new eyes
opening your heart and mind
letting go of truth or lies
reaching out to your insides
slowly crawling with the tide
wasting all the time you bide
when there's nowhere left to hide
at least you know you tried
keep your cravings classified
taste the tears you've cried
hold back while we collide
first we conquer then divide
learn to hang your head with pride
whisper prayers to your bride
never trust those in who you confide
forgive those on whom you relied
let's stay young and never die

I’ve always had the narcissistic belief
that I deserved poetry
but I’m starting to realize
that us who live in words
fall for the purity of actions

What's your resolution?
What was your last?
Is it worth the false hope,
looking back on your past?

clocks tick tocking still
counting down my time until
I can leave this window sill
and make my way to hell
I haven't been feeling
and when I do its not well
maybe I'll make it
time will tell
don't say I'll be alright
because
I'm viciously praying
that I won't make it through the night

that space between conscious and
                                                            n­ot
I will meet you there
peals of laughter will echo
for we will have escaped
                                           finally,
we will hover in limbo
breathing pure paradox
we will be alone you and
                                               I
whispers will then creep in
through the cracks in our sewn secrets
we never listen to what they
                                                say
yet soon the whispers
sink into our spines
and up through our joints
out our mouths they say
                                            goodbye.

All we have is now
you'll keep me afloat
but never teach me how
knots in my throat,
I'm guilty
reading your scribbled love notes
I'll beg you to stay with me.
Pinky promise on the train
we're headed towards anywhere
they called us insane
but I think we discovered
a new truth in our love
I've been lost and recovered
and we laugh from above
the borders aren't there
the wards are so small
breathe in the frosty air
we won't go down at all
we're flying high
like the stars we idolized
and as we left the ground
we knew our secrets wouldn't be found.

you're tangled in
strangling tugs of
heartache
break right through to
the last wall left
dangling the taste of
what was left to love
fall right ahead
to your first footsteps
take it slow
you're rushing into
your sense of nothing

Your lips taste like ocean air
I kiss your scars
Trying to hear your story
I shudder with the honesty
Of your salted breath
Your waves crash around me
Encase my curved body
With your fluid hands

In the silence you come to comprehend me
In the space between words
I hear what you mean
I caress your jaw
It feels like a memory

Terrified
Thrilled
With new love electric

Things go so fast
But so it goes
I'll find time
To put a name to how we fit together
So imperfect

Yet I feel at home in the waves
I wonder if I'm worth it
I gasp
I ache for breath
But I'll drown before I pull away

There's no getting tired
Discovering you, entire
So I inhale
Your ocean air

Your lips were dry
And they pulled me in
Like your kiss was synonymous
With salvation
The gospel truth
Of tasting you
Like I've wanted to
(Ill never admit it)
You kissed my hips,
Pulled my lower back in
I indulge in your sin
Feel your pulse through close skin
I dive into
Your ideals
It's not real as long as
We don't put it into words
And there's no need for
Any language besides that of our bodies
You used to taunt me
Intangible
Then I'm in your hands
Ready to be molded into
Whatever next breath.

I could have loved you forever.

Take one more drag
of your "last" cigarette

it wasn't too long ago
that you had your first

it seems like an eternity
you disappeared and came back again
traded in your old bad habits
for new ones

constantly making choices
between evils

maybe just one more
the smoke
                   tastes like bile

it isn't beautiful
not in the same way that you were
with your earth toned sighs
and your heart-wrenching lullabies
not like your summertime sweaters
or the way you waited for dreaming
it isn't beautiful
in the way you wore your sadness
cloaked over your sunken shoulders
oh so lovely
but it is new
and bright
and feels so very alive
it is beautiful like
I may never see your lips shake
and dreaming can wait
because I'm no longer
so heavily pained by day
it is beautiful like
escaping laughter
because happiness
holds no shame

The moments to fond to remember
Deep between us
Held together in a tangle
Of bones and roots
Though I've thought of what needs to be said
Can we do it?
Take a journey without a return?
Leave your comrades
To their artificial loyalty
And I'll leave the emptiness
Of listening
Stretched out
Your arms itch to collapse
To find a silent solitude
Should we join them?
The lost
The wandering
The enlightened
Thirsty for eternity
We dance and merge together
To make an impact on the light
The shadow of an explosion
Lurching forward
Chasing the lucky ones
We run
Vaguely I considered tripping
But you never did hide well
I guess you've been worried
That we wouldn't come looking
Because no one ever did before
Maybe you're afraid to be alone
That we wouldn't find you soon enough
So I keep running,
Along side you
My heart pumping along with the echo of your foot steps
In sync, we thrive
Overflowing

the sort of thing we take advantage of
is only remembered when it is lost

complete panic
                           shaking
                                         sobbing
                                                       puking
                                         gagging
                       cramping
      this is hell

hyperventilate into the spinning room
filled with the horrific sounds of sobbing and *****
clutching onto life signs

remembering how to breathe
blink
breathe
blink
....
pause
....
and it stops
and you sink
into
darkness

agitated by silence
the science of belief
by the absence of relief
you always keep your prayers brief

got left behind
on the way
to paradise
shaded softly by the scratched up silhouette
of the fast fading sunrise

I see your face
I crave your company
why am I so full of wanting?
enamored with your smile
your roaming fingers
entranced by what is
behind your eyes
I'll grow close to you
take your love
and **** it dry
I
am
a monster.
never satisfied.

I am consumed, a convict of my own convictions.

I am tempted by a dead end road, knowing better than anyone where it goes.
I crave uncovered bones, and the dizzy dreams I once called home.
I fret I’ll never meet my goal, though I’ve given everything, I’ve sold my soul.

What’s the price of fragility?

How much would I pay, how far will I go?
I’ll go all the way, to be the thinnest girl you know.
It’s not about skinny, it’s about control.
I want to let the emptiness swallow me whole.

I want, I need, I crave these chains.
I’m too far-gone to save;
I’m already on the train.
Don’t tell me I’m insane
I know that life and love are pain.
Sick superiority you claim
So you can play your tricks and games
With the fragile fabric of our brains

It’s not fair
Its love and war
But I don’t love the things
That I’m fighting for
I hate the cravings
I hate that I’m past saving
and the way I've been behaving

This block that’s been haunting me
I finally know what it is
It’s not that my thoughts have ever ceased to exist
(no matter how hard I wish)
My truth
Has never been poetic.
My 4 shots of honesty
Are tucked under unclean bed-sheets
Collecting dust
Because I haven’t found a soul
With good enough reason to trust

I work with formulated brushstrokes
My polished softer madness
Because I’ve been told that
This much eye contact makes you
Uncomfortable
That sometimes
I say the things
that you didn't
want to (or know how)
to hear
not sweet enough
for you to swallow
So shove it down my throat
with a gleam in your eye
you gloat
like you actually think
you’ve solved my mystery

I
have covered up
every last shadow
of sincerity
every vicious glimmer
of your fingerprints
marring the fabric
of my skin
my canvas
my natural form
is your sin

I shudder to think
That I’m waiting
For my censored text to be read
Waiting for repercussions
Of wounds that I’ve already bled
My truth
Is that I blurred through the boundaries
Between memories and lies
That I often can’t remember
What I made up and why
there was so much to
cover up
with false nostalgia

my heartache
is
that there’s no logic behind that
no reason to
forget how to feel
to go three days
with my eyes glazed
until I can grasp on
to what's real
a patched up framework of sane
and I want to see blood
to feel purpose for pain

Every time my tremors
Shake in new directions
I want to cry because
That’s just one step further away
from perfection
Playing pretend
Was just imagination
until it was dysfunction
and I set fire to my lungs
Because no matter what
I was never good enough

I choke on my breath
And the burn of swallowed blood
too warm
out of place
like a breeze to the bone
Dripping past the place that
Your name once called home
I still visit
The grave of a legend
In my body
So heavy with the weight
Of lives I never lived

It was never like
The words I so hopefully drowned in
The promises that
my fears were unfounded
That no one could really
Be alone
Not like this
Not like
Being left to remember your kiss
Not like
Nail marks in the palms of clenched fists
Not like fading in and out of dreams
Asking myself
Which reality is this?
Untangling from cold sweats
With the ringing in my ears
Reminding me ruthlessly
That god ****** I’m still here
And you’re gone

I hate that “I miss you”
Is mistaken for cliché
But it’s my truth
It’s my indescribable
My engulfing
My around every corner
Over and over
Your absence impacts like a train
stolen months
dripping in honey sweet
hope
we were my first us
it's hard to find salvation
when your
foundation gives up

My anger
Is sharp breaths
It tastes like
***** coming out my nose
Splashing against my skin
It burns a little like
Bee stings
Coming up my throat
And a whole lot less
Than the loneliness

That vacant isolation
That booms so stubborn
Trying to heal
from numb
Reminding me that
Summer by summer
I become something
That I wont
be willing to save.
At this point
I'm not sure what I crave.
it feels like thunder
on the horizon
of my intangible
you are so much more
than a metaphor
for how perspective
is flammable
but my story
was never about you

birthed from ashes
I am
your favourite taboo

healing
growing
bursting
overflowing
expanding
I exist

I can't blame a soul
for being soulless
I cannot keep control
on a broken conscience

sent back
flashing fear
furious invisibility
of all the things
who knew
that this would **** me

And she ran
Hoping that her crime
May be forgotten
But by the time she made it home
Her twisted grin was rotten
They tied her up, skin against stake
They lit up the flames
They watched her scream and shake
They had forgotten that it was all a game

poisoned
like leaves falling from the oak tree
by your parents house when you were young
were you young?
do you remember
lemonade days and summer haze
left alone
to your fears and voices
to your hatred filled choices
poisoned
like gasoline leaking from that rusty truck
parked in our secret place
with no explanation
ruining the make believe
poisoned
like the baby bird you found
cold and still
and heartbreakingly small
we've been poisoned
and no one gives a ****

I was awake
for 49 hours
and I told him
that I was the sun

Take the taste of proper nouns
Roll it over with your tongue
And keep on marching
Until we say you’re done
Push your convictions into pulp
Squeeze them dry
Drink in the modesty
Swallow the bitter honesty
When you pull away from a kiss
And you can barely remember the feel of her lips
Yet it’s your clearest memory
The comfort in the pressure
body to body
The taste of affection
Of never wanting anything else
The smell of skin so close
Regret tastes like envy
I loved you.
I loved you.
I love you.

No possessive pronouns here
sick and tired of "I"
what exists, what doesn't
no one wonders why

bad habits and dreams
create the self aware
when greater power is knocking
no one's really there

Time is a concept
what if we're proved wrong?
What if minutes were
non existent all along?

we've trapped ourselves
a convict of our convictions
there's only one way out
believe in the fiction

free your mind
from the basis of "you and I"
no boundaries
of space and time

no consequential counting
no winners of your race

once you remember how to think
you'll already be last place.

I am the faded moth,
attracted to the light you project,
or maybe in the end
I really am the butterfly
because those false pretenses of protection
keep me in the dark
Opposites attract
yet comprehension
of deeper senses
retains a spark.

I can't seem to get out of my head.
Frantic, demanding that
someone brings relief
and like the dreams
(that were safe in their painless blur)
no souls seem to see
a soul in me.

How disgusted I am
knotted
at the thought of simple needs.
Keeping me believing
but I need my sanity
for tainted perspective.
Concepts of
timelessness and gravity
and post life confessions
dragging judgment down
to endless inferno
(or was that above ground?)
I guess that is, perhaps,
what we're arguing for.

Believe in my sin
Or you'll burn in my hell.
Hypocrites can spit their biased rhymes
the sweetest sound of their own voice
pounding out adversity
with privilege so protected
by a sheltered sense of freedom
have you seen them?
sparks in their eyes
but no fire meets mine
like a reflection on black glass
asking for attention, recognition
but I was raised with suspicious superstition
born to distrust
disgust
and disappear.

hello potential
stare me down
carry your judgements
but don't make a sound
except the crack of your smile
and our feet on the pavement
beating a pulse
the night is so vacant
except the howls inside us
joining the wolves

I can feel you beside me
taking it in
please don't falter, potential
we're about to begin

dissect me into pieces
mathematical
manic
make me
make sense
solve the pieces
like a puzzle
break me
then make me
intact
but I'm not built
of numbers and facts
when you filed my edges
you created gaps

the melancholy you wear always
is becoming of you, albeit repeated.
I reminisce about last year
about the ethereal days
filled with pain yet,
                                           I felt... like, I was supposed to
does that make sense to you?

your furtive glances make me anxious
anticipating the moment
where you regurgitate your words
your unpoetic bile

that I drink in so willingly
so deep
our movements ripple
our murmurs trail off

to somewhere we cannot follow

the person I was
with you
will never exist again
and
I know that
from that
fire in my lungs
and
oh god
it aches
and
I'm okay.
promise,
promise,
promise,
I'm okay.

keep putting off
what you anticipate
because you can't let go
of some form of hope and
jump
in
to
that
water

so murky and romanticized

feel the rush of realism
of lucidity
when you stop waiting
and start your own story

who knew?
I wasn't really empty,
until you suddenly took everything.
guilt is sifted in my gut
because I broke my promises
when you broke my trust
its daunting to **** blocked memories
with a calloused finger
muscle memory of a burn
to buried to pull back
they say you don't know what you have
'till it's gone
trampled security
pretenses of trust
crushed
with no sincerity to lean on

your stories are poetry
and my tired eyes
want your lullaby

you have the power
to allow yourself
to ask for help
to take for granted
to take some time
to take the healing pains off your mind.

Sparkling cracks
in the seam of things
yet things still seem to lack
your beautiful imperfection.
aren't there some questions
still unanswered?
taunting you to fill
those gaps with dependence
on chemicals
on fallen giants
on silly lullabies
like this one that echoes
when you dance through my mind
the absence of light
couldn't be darker
than hurtful intentions
of making me believe
in anything you can give to me
things leave us
blind to the truth.
the truth
that change is constant.

too much
is still only
a matter of when

change from always saying no
to yourself
creative confidence
threat
and inspiration
feel the freedom to fail
and the independence
of saying yes

Five o'clock
Is naked
Is harsh
Is too bright in rusty eyes

Blame the night before
For the cruel punishment
Of one more day

Is it so exhausting
To exist?
Postponing final rest
To avoid ending it.
Then again
If it was final
I'd be rushing to the finish.

when I perceive
that I am
not enough

I cannot help but think
it's because
I have lived in constant
fear
of being too much

I sawed at myself
with a key, as if something
inside would unlock

distracting yourself
from your sore chest
and existential questions

with screens, smiles,
and small talk

no bad habits
no habits at all
I'm safe
I'm trapped
unharmed
skin unbroken
I'm okay
but I am
not well at all

"boldly resisting authority or an opposing force"


but
you call me defiant
like it's a bad thing

Somewhere silent
We’ll wonder where the miles went
Somewhat quiet
Wanton mental dialect
Will be forgotten as it’s thought

Somewhere silent
While finding love to dissect
Somehow quiet
We’ll live with love so violent
And pray it never be forgot