sometimes
the right words
don't seem long enough
like the space I have to fill
in this universe
isn't quite the right fit
but I'm far too stubborn to quit
simplistic
my cerebral prescense
is elastic

my angel in red
Let's sing along
to songs only we know
I'll kiss your scars
we can smoke and read Thoreau
until we've forgotten time
and slipped under the moon's glow
my angel in red
you can stop the show
now we're alone
you were a missing thread
in my story
read and reread
trying to comprehend
what I was missing
my angel in red
welcome home

I never had the chance
to hear 'I miss you'
uttered from your lips
with any hint
of you sincerely being serious

I can feel the freedom
tearing me
limb from limb
because my core burns out
but my ribs cave in
and every notch on my bedpost
doesn't feel like victory
or anything, really
because the last time I felt
was the last time I said
I miss you
and I won't put myself
through righteous hell
(again)

even though here I stand
pulling excuses from thin air
like,
you forgot your pen,
you still have my sweater,
I still have your virginity,
tucked into that drawer
that I won't open
because it smells like home
and
we both know that would drive me
right over the edge

yet you also know so well
that if I was presented with 'home'
I wouldn't be able to tell
the difference.
So when I say home,
I'm inferring
that it tasted like your absence
and passive aggression
and sheets tangled with sweat
no longer from passion
but from the constant
cage of dreaming
taking a weightless axe
to throats
to home
to anyone
who dares to say
that I've moved on
because

I've moved seventeen times
and never once
have I felt like
I did with your face in my hair
and my chin on your chest
like home.
and I've avoided it so long
and now it's or I am gone
and either way
your eyes shift past my face
past my naked sincerity
past my begging for
'I miss you's
that won't come home.

distracting yourself
from your sore chest
and existential questions

with screens, smiles,
and small talk

dissect me into pieces
mathematical
manic
make me
make sense
solve the pieces
like a puzzle
break me
then make me
intact
but I'm not built
of numbers and facts
when you filed my edges
you created gaps

time is
smiling
at the thought of you
and my eyes only sting
for a moment

and even if I miss you
I've stopped reminiscing
about
hot summer kisses in the dust
while those feelings
plagued me
with too big and too much
I'm sorry you had me
when I wasn't much

time is
your name
still catches in my throat
but now I know
it was never because
I wasn't enough

who knew?
I wasn't really empty,
until you suddenly took everything.
guilt is sifted in my gut
because I broke my promises
when you broke my trust
its daunting to **** blocked memories
with a calloused finger
muscle memory of a burn
to buried to pull back
they say you don't know what you have
'till it's gone
trampled security
pretenses of trust
crushed
with no sincerity to lean on

a sexed up nighttime walker
click clack
down empty streets
full to the brim
with disgusting dreams

I photograph the secrets of the city
stealing your fondest darkness
and publishing the shameful lust
for them all to see
the vultures
hunting with talons of words so sharp
teeth bared, dripping ink
onto the forehead of the dreamer

toss turning on rough,
pure, delinquent ambition
what you taste after years
of restless sleep

I've ignored endless regrets
but not one about opening a ming
brilliantly high
choose a new poison
and slip into a sense of entitlement.

we kissed like
that last bit
of drunken innocence
could cauterize
our wounds

but instead
we bled into each other
your sighs filled my
hunger
and you didn't know
that those scars were new
and I wanted
you to pretend
I wanted to
pretend for you

but really
I wanted to be full
and your lips were warm
and wanting you
was nothing new
and two hours of sleep
was plenty
for another day
of our pretending

surprise me
with outstanding empathy
with passionate
thirsty curiosity
outstretched hands
and eye contact
that doesn't seem so
v a c a n t

No possessive pronouns here
sick and tired of "I"
what exists, what doesn't
no one wonders why

bad habits and dreams
create the self aware
when greater power is knocking
no one's really there

Time is a concept
what if we're proved wrong?
What if minutes were
non existent all along?

we've trapped ourselves
a convict of our convictions
there's only one way out
believe in the fiction

free your mind
from the basis of "you and I"
no boundaries
of space and time

no consequential counting
no winners of your race

once you remember how to think
you'll already be last place.

forgetting you (us)
is like trying
to bury a legend

You bleed out and in
These tempting sentiments
Blending into consciousness
Forgetting what is sin
Chills of the ending witching hour
The thrill of isolated power
Alone and wandering
Through barren streets
Feel your bones and your ponderings
Getting honest, losing heat.
Cobblestone streets
Calling out to restless feet
Taunting wired minds
To give in to a sleepless night
And venture into the ever-crisp air
To breathe in smoke and frozen breath
To dare to find what lingers there.

You say its anger turned inwards
I’d agree
But the words are caught in my throat
Like the sobbing yells for help
My jaw is locked down like a cage
For introspective hell

Anger turned inwards
Yeah that sounds about right
Hatred or loathing might
Be more true
So I’ve got anger turned inwards
But I still have so much left
For you

I guess it’s in your job description
Measure my mentality
Pump me up with prescriptions
I’m like Charlie ******* Bartlett
I’m your favorite emotional harlot
Give me five minutes
I’ll make you feel connected
I’ll show you my false trust
And I’ll make you regret it

It feels mechanic
Programmed medicating
When I’m still half asleep
Not conscious enough
To pay attention
To my not so subconscious questions
Asking
Who are you
To tell me
That I need to be fixed

I hold so much resentment
For the time that you spend
Surrounding me
With all the facets of help
That I don’t need
Anger turned inwards
Staining every breath
Heavy panting
Straining with this weight on my chest
Anger turned out
Guilt and blame
Overwhelming shame
Because you taught me to never give up
But there’s nothing I want more
Then to slip up
Trip up
Get so high I’ll never come down
Get so high
To get six feet underground

But then again
I got “better”
I disappeared for three months
And I can’t even remember
Why it was so hard
To stand back up
On my own

Compromise
I’ll comfort your mind
But first
I’ve got to confront my lies
See,
I wanted this
Don’t you ever think otherwise
Of course its for attention
But does that make me not ill?
All I wanted was affection
But here I am
Popping pills

Conflicted
With the concept of sickness
I’ve been so desperate for
Identity
Just to feel ******* special
So insecure and lonely
that to get it I felt
I had to purge out my mortality
Make my self unwell
I lived a lie
Until it was true
I wanted this sickness
Until it was all I knew

In some world
it could almost be funny
that you're this idea
I've been stuck on
but really
you were the first
soul that I ever
found truth in

you saw me
(you promised
you'd never let me
run away)

and I keep avoiding
face to face
because
these awful sobs
get caught in my throat
and I can't know what
god awful noise will escape
in place of "hello"

(I ******* swear
I've moved on)

I haven't heard
your voice in
10 months
(except for
in my head
in my dreams
and
in a voicemail
that you told me
"always")

I am new

but
every ******* word
is still true
and I refuse
to let my
sinking chest
make a lie
out of you

Love stained my soul
like
charcoal
But somehow you
Made it under my skin
I tried to dig you
Out of my veins
I bled out
But you stayed in

I want to cut off the parts
of me
that remind me of you
I want a breath of
something
besides the cold hard truth
a drink of anything
to forget these bruises

your not so distant
memory
is so much more
than I bargained for

tell me how our story goes
(or went)
I'll keep pretending
that I could ever
forget

I stay clear of words that
sound too soon
questions that
will hurt too much to ask
I can **** down
a lifetime of
lies or *****
but I can't move on
while leaning on the past

You were right about
How all the grey
Might affect my stormy heart
But all the rain has helped me grow
and I keep my shoulders back now

I loved the silliness
the secrets
and the penny paid thoughts

but all I dream about when sleep comes
is the thirsty selfishness
and I'm caught
between nightmares
and daydreams
in between
brutal introversion
and broken seams

tired of your consistent inconsistencies
and your forgetful debt
to false threats
of answered prayers

keep putting off
what you anticipate
because you can't let go
of some form of hope and
jump
in
to
that
water

so murky and romanticized

feel the rush of realism
of lucidity
when you stop waiting
and start your own story

hate
is a strong word
I assume that's why you use it
hate
is perhaps
the one emotion
I've never felt

when I perceive
that I am
not enough

I cannot help but think
it's because
I have lived in constant
fear
of being too much

I’ve always had the narcissistic belief
that I deserved poetry
but I’m starting to realize
that us who live in words
fall for the purity of actions

These words slip through my lips like a sharks fin
Condemning me to troubled waters
The disease acts like a doctor
A treatment to weeping
An emotion dripping in
Chasing me to the deep end
Time passes as nights bloom
Into an ocean for the stars
Diving, dipping in.

Her parted lips
awake in a sleeping city
And time again drifted away
the hurt of memory along for the ride
Her spine curved over
Tracing the letters of a prayer
Whispered
Collected in my eyes
Injected in my mind
a changing sincerity
her inspiration
Sprinkled across the dark
Of the city’s reflection
We won’t miss a thing.

self induced mania
greeting 3am,
hello, my old friend

lately daylight seems surreal

every static breath
revives the throb
of gaping emptiness

obvious, constant screaming
unfinished
incomplete
howling

muffled by
harmful habits
daydreams
and shallow company

crawling from distraction
to distraction
to sleep
but even in dreams
I find
only temporary relief

All I can say is
I guess I'm pretty happy
you asked me that, too.

I kept pretending
That I couldn't remember your name
So determined that you weren't
Worth the time of day
I guess it's a reflection
Of my own sorry self
Such pretentious invention
Of isolation's hell

I used to write

like if I said it enough
found the right way
suddenly someone would grasp
understand, untie me

as if, in naming my fears
they would stay in plain sight
not in shadows
dancing on the wall

like if my tongue
could blunder through
the brambles in my throat
I would stay
awake
aware
afloat

Mindless chatter
seems much less shallow
when you can shout out insecurity
and they refuse to hear
"I'll jump"
"come on, just do it, you won't fall."
you couldn't take a moment to listen?
I'll jump
I don't trust my feet
stealing my life
that I'm still reaching to regain
leaping into deep
blue
like my lips
many moments
after I tried to tell you
I'll jump
yet you won't hear what you cannot understand
please learn to respect
and accept
that I'm allowed to feel pain
your ignorance
won't fix
a situation that you're blind to
(I just though't I'd remind you)

healing
growing
bursting
overflowing
expanding
I exist

Your lips taste like ocean air
I kiss your scars
Trying to hear your story
I shudder with the honesty
Of your salted breath
Your waves crash around me
Encase my curved body
With your fluid hands

In the silence you come to comprehend me
In the space between words
I hear what you mean
I caress your jaw
It feels like a memory

Terrified
Thrilled
With new love electric

Things go so fast
But so it goes
I'll find time
To put a name to how we fit together
So imperfect

Yet I feel at home in the waves
I wonder if I'm worth it
I gasp
I ache for breath
But I'll drown before I pull away

There's no getting tired
Discovering you, entire
So I inhale
Your ocean air

I wake up,
look at you,
I see everything.
while I linger
on the corners of your mouth
I see the pillars of morning light
and the way your breath
is hypnotic

I see the moment between
dreaming and day
for all it's worth
and I know in my bones
that it's worth holding onto
I see your eyebrows furrow
and remember why
I should burn the letters
that I write when I'm angry

I remember when I saw you
and I couldn't remember
where we'd gotten lost
but my soul sighed with relief
when I found you

I see you
and I see everything

poisoned
like leaves falling from the oak tree
by your parents house when you were young
were you young?
do you remember
lemonade days and summer haze
left alone
to your fears and voices
to your hatred filled choices
poisoned
like gasoline leaking from that rusty truck
parked in our secret place
with no explanation
ruining the make believe
poisoned
like the baby bird you found
cold and still
and heartbreakingly small
we've been poisoned
and no one gives a ****

I am all too fondly reminiscent of illness and shivers of melancholy. Like a raindrop, going nowhere but down, yet surrounded. As long as I'm not alone... though I crave your comfort like home. Where did you go? What did I say? What do they so easily offer, when I give you my heart and soul. No, you've always had them. You are my introduction and epilogue, you are my deepest, softest, whispered words come alive. You are my dream yet my night mare, because with you I am vulnerable. Conflict in your smile, in your tender caress and kiss. Unspoken, we always have been. Shall we evolve? Fade from the dim moonlit night into full, bright, blissful sunshine?

But then... there will always be clouds.

So?
Let's stop running from the shade, let's learn to dance together in the downfall of rain.

brushing sand back and forth
I wonder where your eyes rest
drinking in the possibilities
that yearn to exist
anticipation
of a rising tide
hopeless hurry
because in the end
I can't be satisfied

why do you do it, if it won't last?
it will just get destroyed in the end

well,
don't we all?

*yet we persist

Listing reasons for breathing,
Why my heart should keep beating,
It all comes down to you.
You're the reason I put the pills down
You're my anchor, my heart, and my truth.
If I could save you from the world, I would, and I've tried,
I'm protecting You from me every time that I lie.
Because you can't see the bottle, the smoke or the scars,
I'm filled up with monsters, and you can't know what they are.
Binging and purging, starving and carving sin into my skin.
If I hurt me I hurt you,
I live to hear you laugh.
I know you could make it all alone,
But you don't have to do it on your own.
And even if I die tonight
In the end you'll be alright,
You'll hear fire, tearing through the air
big brother don't be scared.
Know the sound of your sister's soul,
Know that the monsters swallowed her whole
You're the strongest man I've ever known
I know your smile better than I know my own
And when I'm only ashes in the air
Remember that I'm always there.

The moments to fond to remember
Deep between us
Held together in a tangle
Of bones and roots
Though I've thought of what needs to be said
Can we do it?
Take a journey without a return?
Leave your comrades
To their artificial loyalty
And I'll leave the emptiness
Of listening
Stretched out
Your arms itch to collapse
To find a silent solitude
Should we join them?
The lost
The wandering
The enlightened
Thirsty for eternity
We dance and merge together
To make an impact on the light
The shadow of an explosion
Lurching forward
Chasing the lucky ones
We run
Vaguely I considered tripping
But you never did hide well
I guess you've been worried
That we wouldn't come looking
Because no one ever did before
Maybe you're afraid to be alone
That we wouldn't find you soon enough
So I keep running,
Along side you
My heart pumping along with the echo of your foot steps
In sync, we thrive
Overflowing

take what you will
we all choose our poison(s)
we've only got time
(and ourselves) to ****,
so don't overcalculate
the moments
that we're given

when my fingerprints
are full of ink
or
tip tapping on the keys
I am subject to denial
for
I have not lived with enough
of myself
to write anything
worth your time.

half hearted apologies
200mg of sertraline
grapefruit (too bitter like acidic nostalgia)
concealed lust
that endings are so final
that they can still lack closure

4 o'clock blues
soften the edge of inspiration
dull the blade
I use
to shave off the sadness

I can't blame a soul
for being soulless
I cannot keep control
on a broken conscience

sent back
flashing fear
furious invisibility
of all the things
who knew
that this would **** me

bittersweet dreams
like
that
gaping old victorian
with dusty stairwells
only swept by drifts of passing wind
calling you
with echoed longing

empathetic with
the rarely seen or heard
little soul
in the walls
occasionally tip tapping

up        above        your        bed


dancing on your head

those shooting shivers
sent from the grave
forgotten and walked on
and oh so,
******* beautiful

feel endlessly alive
like those nights that you attempt to forget

when you read this
please consider
cutting the *******
just tell me your truth
crush this ridiculous
daydream
that I could know you

I am consumed, a convict of my own convictions.

I am tempted by a dead end road, knowing better than anyone where it goes.
I crave uncovered bones, and the dizzy dreams I once called home.
I fret I’ll never meet my goal, though I’ve given everything, I’ve sold my soul.

What’s the price of fragility?

How much would I pay, how far will I go?
I’ll go all the way, to be the thinnest girl you know.
It’s not about skinny, it’s about control.
I want to let the emptiness swallow me whole.

I want, I need, I crave these chains.
I’m too far-gone to save;
I’m already on the train.
Don’t tell me I’m insane
I know that life and love are pain.
Sick superiority you claim
So you can play your tricks and games
With the fragile fabric of our brains

It’s not fair
Its love and war
But I don’t love the things
That I’m fighting for
I hate the cravings
I hate that I’m past saving
and the way I've been behaving

Hello?
Are you there?
Can you feel the wind pushing our bodies together?
Lets cut off all our hair and **** until daylight
Listen to our favorite songs until we don’t even need to sing along
I’ll let you trace my body on your sheets so you don’t suffer from bad dreams
If you’ll teach me how to run away
You’ve always been the best.
Lets carve new patterns in your palm
Like a maze keeping you in the moment
Lets allow the smoke to tear our lungs
Lets sing jazz and dance to silly love songs
Lets get high and dream up a world of our own
Lets kiss until we can’t tell the difference between our lips
Lets pretend that the clocks have stopped.
Lets embrace the imperfections and be honestly in love
Lets hide where no one will find us,
Because you’re the only person that I still trust.
Lets forget the ******* who didn’t believe
Never cry and keep a smile on your face
You can be the melody
I can be the bass
We can write our own reality into the night
We can finish each other’s sentences
And our history will be engraved
Into melted marble.

you saved
my soul
when my mind
became poison
(I had to start over
when (y)our love
did the same)

On a train to anywhere
I read scribbled love notes
from a stranger

we believe
in the narcissistic consumption of thought
is that art?

bite my dancing tongue
like electric mollasses
I slide down your throat

thoughts bleed through my sinuses
once again

but I wont give up

we live, in a cryptic sense
steps through the rubble
the things we've left behind
like a shadow of your chaos
sickly sweet soaking sugar

a finale
that doesn't have an end.

tick tock tick
enflame creativity and begin
swallow your diction
begin to feel sick
taste of acidity
like all those years ago
living in hell

eroded finger tips
and silly scars

look me in the eye
I know a lie
when I'm being raised by one

digress
into the silence of understanding
calm my tremors
hold my shaking limbs
against your ever beating chest

shivers down my spine
like blaming you

for why I am.

I’m lost
It’s 8oclock
the sand beneath my feet slowly rising to my brain
speeding up my pace
I can’t help but feel responsible
Because I let you believe
that you were half broken

The car breaks down
and the window’s still shattered
I lose your touch as we drown
Sending peals of laughter
through the atmosphere
Did they find you?
Or are you still in hiding
Breathing in the embers
feeling your way through
before anyone else could get to you
and leave an impression
Like the hand prints on the sidewalk
grasping for some form of immortality,
you were some kind of magic

I know
mostly
I don't even write anymore
in my streaks of
4 o'clock
the words barely come to my throat
and then fall into a knot
clotted coughs
taste like red roots and hip hop