This is a letter
To you

My thoughts are hectic
They bleed through my sinuses
Asking me to give up
Never! My heart screams
But my gut agrees
It aches to slip back into emptiness
I yearn to shrink away
Like I have in my dreams

I feel eyes on my spine
Making me doubt my sadness
An angel drops with the beat of my drum

Children are screaming
They don't know what to do with their hands

There's an esoteric understanding of the stars
And their shimmer

Did you witness the jump?
Do you consume your lust?
I live, in a cryptic sense.
Tear out the pages that remind you of home
We're dusty and unused
Blurring at the edges
Like monochrome photographs

Clasp your hands and cover your eyes
Covering you from the pouring lies

Overdose on oxygen
Keeping you alive until it decides you should die
It's reminiscent of your pessimistic outlook

I have nothing else to say.

Bruised hips and lips
dragging themselves desperately
endless sensual friction
*******
smacking
crude, raw

stay true
to the muse of our generation
we were never taught
to share what we're given
precious garbage
spewed out of consumation
a spiral of artistic fury
the scratch of losing your voice
the voice that once
harmonized with lies

washed out external flame
burn bridges you've never crossed
for fear of humiliation
embers branding sin
into skin

slick like sticky fingers
groping bodies for a grip
to pull yourselves out
of the hell
called introspection

you are a moonlit chaotic mind
on the roots
forming roads to that which we lost

I've held my muse
kissed the lips that mumble
my melodic lullaby

There is so much i can do
to push back on the weight
of my shortcomings
To counteract
those words that don't fit right
those doubts that scrape at my
peace of mind
collapsed and buried alive
by ten tons of
'what if's and 'I'll do better's
you told me to dig deep
but I'm already
too far under

you introduced me
to a poverty like none before
it seems it's difficult to see
how deeply you're lacking
until you've been full

with such audacity
you tucked my heart away
and with such disgusting subtlety
I taste the distance as you stray

come a bit closer
you can't ignore my lightning
I, enlightening

you just don't grasp
I can't get it through your skull
but I'm not even allowed to be angry

frustration
deliberation

**** your indecisive mind
and your lack of opinion
the way you ***** me over
just because you forget that I'm fragile

but I'm not even allowed to be mad

I can't even scream

so I'm left with all this pent up hell
and the sweetest kiss on the cheek

My hair tickles your lower lip
As you lean in
Kiss my forehead

I could think of no better place
Then pressed into your chest

I confess
I'll always be a little bit distant

I like to think that the sunlight
Reflects my smile into my eyes

But I've been known to have delusions
And you'll always be the muse to
My chronic daydreams

agitated by silence
the science of belief
by the absence of relief
you always keep your prayers brief

got left behind
on the way
to paradise
shaded softly by the scratched up silhouette
of the fast fading sunrise

terrified, that you're gone already
when you're not here, my heart feels heavy
my mouth tastes acidic
without your stubborn kisses
curl my shoulders and clench my fist
oh how I hate this distance
it gets colder as you stay quiet
you didn't promise that you'd never lie
this feels uneasy and I don't know why

you hesitate...... making me question
everything that I want to believe in
I'm learning to trust, you're my test
to see if I'm better, to see my best
my fingers search for your hair to caress
I guess I just miss you
nothing more nothing less

Then again, I know this is much more
I'm scared I'll be alone again, fighting my war
I'm worried that if you left, I'd have nothing to fight for

I don't want to need you
I detest dependance
But without you beside me, nothing seems to make sense

I'm letting down my walls, but keeping my shell
before these few months, I was living in hell
I'm changing my ways for you, can't you tell?
I refuse to slip back into the place where I fell

I guess I just want to be worth your time
to be beautiful for you, so you stay mine

I'm a constant battle over this
I want to starve, live off of cigarettes and your kiss
on the other hand, I know where that will lead,
I need to keep fighting
I won't let you see me bleed.

I'm getting worse at asking for help, it happens gradually but I'm learning to see the beauty in healing. Growing pains have shown me the strength in scar tissue. I've been inside my head all too often, being isolated and isolating (two very different things, mind you).
There's some fear now, there's no denying. I do my best to not let go of hope, as to never lose it.
I grew up fast, pulling up against gravity and history. I'm learning now how to stand up straight.
Thank you, S, for granting me a safe space, and for letting me be honest with myself.
I crave meaningful goodbyes, though I don't count this as a goodbye at all.
For once I feel I can finally say "hello."
Thank you for letting me feel, and never asking me to.
I've tasted the power of my voice; you've saved and changed my life.
The only way I will repay you is to live my life with even half as much kindness and beauty as I have seen in you. You inspire me, and for that I am forever grateful.

Thank you for giving me the courage to heal.

Take one more drag
of your "last" cigarette

it wasn't too long ago
that you had your first

it seems like an eternity
you disappeared and came back again
traded in your old bad habits
for new ones

constantly making choices
between evils

maybe just one more
the smoke
                   tastes like bile

the floorboards of
my chest
creak
when half a year later
you're still in my dreams
they strain
and rasp
I can't last
like this

surrounded

I don't like running
because
I don't like feeling weight
the constant taunt
of up down
crashing forward
relentless
unexpected

but I've been running
my whole life

I only carry
what I know I can drop
I am temporary
like a bandage
but your wounds need to breathe
like those fleeting
days that taste
like what we thought we'd be

I'm sorry if
it bruised
when I let you go
if those dragging scars
keep the past alive
the past
you're so keen
to deny

I'd apologize
but my truth
is only harder than fiction
every denied suspicion
is now our existence
then and now
I'd drop anything
(everything)
to hold
you

Trying to create just a moment of silence
Pure enough to hear my thoughts

But I can't stop the wind
Or my heart beat
Not yet

Its a compromise
To listen to the anxious whirring of my breath
The only constant
But I don't count on it at all

Its just like you said
I wish we had taped it
Like frosting over with a photograph

cherry stem knots
lonely hearts
imperfect truths
melting ice (to cool my nerves)
misunderstood temptations and thoughts

too much
is still only
a matter of when

something has clogged
my truth within me
rusted pipes
deny me
my iv drip of honesty
the syllables that used to slip
right out
now crawl
with the echoed
tip tap
of blind rats
finding their way
to light

I ask what you're looking for,
I never even fathomed
that you could be
happy where you are.

Breathe with me now
Let your worries melt
In the rays of sunlight hitting your face
Illuminating
Your shoulders drop
The wind plays with your hair
Twisting
Tangling
Touching
Skimming your skin
You hear the whispers
No one else could understand
Your lungs fill
Feel their tension
Release the breath
Along with all discomfort
Through your closed eyes
See the shadows of a cloud pass
Across the sky
Laugh
Hear it echo around you
Leaving the trace of a smile on your face
Stay while it disappears into the air
The breeze carrying it on
Taste the sweet summer
Let it roll around your mouth
Purified
Breathe with me now

I can promise you
second hand nicotine and
so many muddy metaphors and
every ounce of poetic nonsense
you've always wished for
I can promise you
tangerines, sticky kisses
and little glances
that will swell your heart
with something that could only be
special
I can promise you
that it won't be
I can promise you
that I'll run
I can promise you
that you should take these promises
and
run faster

My mouth moves in a lonely way.
My breath knows no idea of continuity.
I believe only in the narcissistic consumption of thought.

Is that art?

You confessed to sinning in the womb.
But on your grave, there will be no roses.
Nothing left for your bones.
Just steps sending you shivers.
Taunting you.
Can this last?
My hair tangles in the stale air, and I bite my lips, trying to calm their dancing.
They whisper my poorly kept secrets.

This is ours, this empty home.
With polaroids of strangers on the wall.
A mattress that moans as you slump down.

Its been a long day.

Stained glass reflections on my face as I lean against the window pane.
I watch the ways your pupils contract as they meet mine across the bare room.
You down your coffee from this morning, too sweet, making you scrunch up your nose.
Like electric molasses it moves down your throat, it’s taste on your lips.
Where mine were last night.

My mouth is in motion, and you hear my intentions with a filter of hope.

the sort of thing we take advantage of
is only remembered when it is lost

complete panic
                           shaking
                                         sobbing
                                                       puking
                                         gagging
                       cramping
      this is hell

hyperventilate into the spinning room
filled with the horrific sounds of sobbing and *****
clutching onto life signs

remembering how to breathe
blink
breathe
blink
....
pause
....
and it stops
and you sink
into
darkness

you with your eyes that shade of black
your skin that shade of pale
your hope that shade of never coming back
they don’t notice you feel frail

you left the table with a smile
your hair flowing down your spine
you’ll be one moment, yet that moment lasts a while
they all believe that you’re just fine

you return with eyes all blurry
you forgot to let down your hair
you change the subject in a hurry
you’re too in tune with all these stares

regurgitate your fears
and pray to that porcelain lord
you’ve been praying all these years
to this hell that you’ve adored
so tell me
where in hell is your reward?

Your comprehension
of the space between my words
shocks
scares
excites me
makes me fall in love

I am the monster under your bed
eating your heart
I am the monster, I live in your head,
breaking you apart

**** time
and space if you can
taste each other
late in the night
summer haze
and the numbness of winter weeks
cold, still

diagnoses
never live up to our childhood dreams
inhale the novocaine air
lose your attempted symmetry

I still kiss your picture
every night before I dream
waiting for the day
I'll bleed from the shattered glass

pass the craved smoke
mouth to mouth
with the unsaid urgency
of saving yourself

My spine against your heart
arching
stretching
emaciated
grotesque
but you hold on

in our bad habits
we created a home
safe

from the terrors
numb like the nights

a ghost of a persona

You say I’ve never considered suicide
Not seriously at least
Not enough to lose sleep
You always hear about the cases
But the bridges seem so far away
But when everyone is disappointed
Each smile is an extra effort
It seems so sweet
I can almost taste relief
An end
An escape
How many muscles does it take?
To pull a trigger?
No one will give me an answer to the real question
So what’s the point?
Searching for a purpose
A reason
The music of water filling lungs
Lulls me to sleep
Playing over and over in my dreams
In hopes for a break from reality
I’m trying to think of things I love
But they seem to have faded
I feel lethargic
I’m inhaling an iron aroma
A smell of veins and mind games
Burning flesh and hair in flames
Eyes closing
The pain is gone

I step out of myself,
lean my weight against the car
let my head roll back,
until the houses and streetlights
are just light pollution
dimming the stars as they come out

I'm too dizzy to stand
but I feel so solid, when it's just me and the wind
I sink back into the blackness between stars
and find comfort
in air running through the trees
reminding me
of all the times
I've started over

Tracing your face in charcoal
(I can never get the eyes right)

Counting out the melodies
In the whistle of the wind
Rereading wrinkled obituaries
mouth to mouth
lets pass the smoke
And bathe in our amateur poetry.

Feel my spine against your chest
Watch the shadows drift
We don't need a thing.
Try to forget the minutes
I'll listen to you sing

I never learned not to bite my nails
But hell you still smoke cigarettes
And in our bad habits
We found the closest thing to happiness
That I've ever seen.

We always meant to paint your room
But in the end your empty walls
Were somewhat calming

You held my face so I couldn’t look away
Your words so achingly innocent
I couldn’t help but believe you
Nothing was more real than your dreams
Following the streets
We look for change
But never kept our inspiration
The lights had dimmed over time
It’s a ****** lullaby
Losing yourself to the wings of desire
You’ve lost your concentration
You’re losing your subtle charms
Looking through your imagination like a kaleidoscope
Mixing and matching the world
So real it kills your senses
Ends the devotion flashing in your eye
The skin of the drum
Pounding to keep you alive
You’re waiting to forget
The devastation of your last cigarette
The flooding of an argument
Against my reason
These are the nightmares
That you wouldn’t believe

My fingers tremble
unable to keep them still
I attempt to create something

a second glance

maybe a reason to smile

they trace your perfect shape
your hills and valleys
the dips of your spine
raising your nerves

and on my neck
I feel the warmth of your breath
calming mine

its almost as if
this moment
could carry on
infinite

my fingers dance gently
down your back
barely making contact
but still we touch

like if I can
outline your entire being
and capture this moment

maybe then you'll stay

forever

like we were too scared to say

I bring my fingers to your lips
and below your jaw
and I see the reflection of my dreams in your eyes

I promise
promise

promise

that we can be
infinite

the anonymity
of our crowded cafe glances
grows stale
sitting in my memory

forgive
my hesitation
the crack
of my rusted smile
the escape
of my gasp
It has been a while
I'd almost forgotten
how to laugh

my bones feel hollow in the winter's silence
crisp wind cuts through the seasons
bringing an atmosphere
of endings

my reflection in the lit up city window
seems morbid
in comparison to the ribbons and stars
families rushing to warmth
expectations of kin
stiff grins and distant conversations

the absence of magic
that once sparkled in my sight

not desolate, though
another run around the sun
brings hopeful glimmers
of beginnings

apparently
you're gone.
In a way that you've left no remains.
I was holding on to
a concept
an ill timed joke
like sand
it slips
right through
my fist

My knuckles turn white
with sincerity
and I ponder the rain
that hits me
like a million kisses
did you stand under this rain
did you dance
did you think of our embrace

I'm letting you free

but first
I have to destroy
everything
myself
your memory
and any left over belief

we were
but we are not

a beautiful concept
that can't live on

and it is foolish
to clutch on to
dreams that are gone

We don't want to be found
waste your smiles
on pretty girls
who will never look twice
at reality

but who are we to say otherwise?

search for a purpose
under faded city lights
looking for change
but change would find us

inhale the iron aroma
of flesh
veins
mind games

**** like vapid animals
what we were meant for, right?
allow smoke to tear your lungs
and bite your nails until they bleed

you are my melody
and I can be the beat.

who engraves the graves?
we discovered it all
and grow but never age

dive in and out of my bones
sleep with limbs knitted
sinking back and forth
throbbing bodies
we've got nothing

nothing to lose

Your lips were dry
And they pulled me in
Like your kiss was synonymous
With salvation
The gospel truth
Of tasting you
Like I've wanted to
(Ill never admit it)
You kissed my hips,
Pulled my lower back in
I indulge in your sin
Feel your pulse through close skin
I dive into
Your ideals
It's not real as long as
We don't put it into words
And there's no need for
Any language besides that of our bodies
You used to taunt me
Intangible
Then I'm in your hands
Ready to be molded into
Whatever next breath.

Call it what you will
But the voices
Just
      Get
             Louder
Take their words
Take a pill
Make
        Them
                 Prouder
There's only two ways
Up or off the edge
Lets
       Just
               Fly
Our feet can float
Above the ledge
Let
      Me
            Die.

Your know that I've grown fond
Of finding stories in the ceiling
And we'll lay here
until the paint starts peeling

I'm a ghost of a persona.

until the bath water goes cold
watch the day go dark

Letting unanswered questions fall
Onto the stagnant water
Look into my own glazed eyes
In the waving reflection below your neck

I'm cursed to never understand
How you call just one place home

For now lets pretend like I'll never leave
Breathe in the rising steam
Lets never forget this moment

wednesday
isolation like
that forgotten middle syllable

I'm choking on
suppressed understanding
of this slow but sturdy
change
in your contact
in our formality

I hate to admit that
I would ever want anything
to stay the same

clocks tick tocking still
counting down my time until
I can leave this window sill
and make my way to hell
I haven't been feeling
and when I do its not well
maybe I'll make it
time will tell
don't say I'll be alright
because
I'm viciously praying
that I won't make it through the night

"so, how does that make you feel?"

yes its all in your head
but who are they to say its not real?

lean your heavy head
on the rough, cool brick
like an unknown mother's breast
tired lungs with your habitual breath
an invisible history
you've become a shadow
in busy streets

feel the complexity
of tired lover's steps
on this worn down
moonlit street

from the shadows you glance
at the click clack noise
and the creature connected
to those hurried feet

she looks up at your movement
startled and tense
eyes full of fear

what does she expect?
(not kindness)

if only she knew
it was all you had left to offer.

I sawed at myself
with a key, as if something
inside would unlock

you're right
I don't deserve it
and every always
is a shade for
some uncertain grasp
on why we need other people
why my heart still hurts
and why the good things
can't last

I learn so much
from each time
my heart breaks
from each time
I turn my self off
to keep a straight face
there will probably be more days
but I'm not going to forget
that you ******* walked away

the person I was
with you
will never exist again
and
I know that
from that
fire in my lungs
and
oh god
it aches
and
I'm okay.
promise,
promise,
promise,
I'm okay.

"boldly resisting authority or an opposing force"


but
you call me defiant
like it's a bad thing

You see things with new eyes
opening your heart and mind
letting go of truth or lies
reaching out to your insides
slowly crawling with the tide
wasting all the time you bide
when there's nowhere left to hide
at least you know you tried
keep your cravings classified
taste the tears you've cried
hold back while we collide
first we conquer then divide
learn to hang your head with pride
whisper prayers to your bride
never trust those in who you confide
forgive those on whom you relied
let's stay young and never die

purpose
becomes a slipping memory
I forget the ways my joints used to move
to put pen to paper
and let loose my imagination
my heart
my soul
my unknown longings
I am lacking
but I've lost the ability to find out how
investing in passion
losing sight of my drive
I despise
everything that leaks out of my mind
come back
let me be
once again

my head felt cavernous
though now I doubt
that it's truly there
I grasp for what is happening
but my soul is bleeding out
I could forget to breathe
forget to let my heart beat
forget what language even means
before I could ever
will ever
forget
you

you are heavy
wearing the dust that has settled
on your sadness like a crown
you've grown so accustomed
to your fog
your water logged eyes
they demand an escape
yet you won't
let you
let me
lift you out

no bad habits
no habits at all
I'm safe
I'm trapped
unharmed
skin unbroken
I'm okay
but I am
not well at all

you're tangled in
strangling tugs of
heartache
break right through to
the last wall left
dangling the taste of
what was left to love
fall right ahead
to your first footsteps
take it slow
you're rushing into
your sense of nothing