You were right about
How all the grey
Might affect my stormy heart
But all the rain has helped me grow
and I keep my shoulders back now

I step out of myself,
lean my weight against the car
let my head roll back,
until the houses and streetlights
are just light pollution
dimming the stars as they come out

I'm too dizzy to stand
but I feel so solid, when it's just me and the wind
I sink back into the blackness between stars
and find comfort
in air running through the trees
reminding me
of all the times
I've started over

I wake up,
look at you,
I see everything.
while I linger
on the corners of your mouth
I see the pillars of morning light
and the way your breath
is hypnotic

I see the moment between
dreaming and day
for all it's worth
and I know in my bones
that it's worth holding onto
I see your eyebrows furrow
and remember why
I should burn the letters
that I write when I'm angry

I remember when I saw you
and I couldn't remember
where we'd gotten lost
but my soul sighed with relief
when I found you

I see you
and I see everything

the air stings my bare skin
I can see my breath
I can see an escape
the overcast white is too bright
for my tired eyes
and my wandering heart
and two different cars
crashed in the exact same spot
two mornings in a row

and I could only help but laugh
at the synchronicity of the universe
or the foolishness of young toyota drivers
trying to believe their own mystery

two mornings in a row
I'm at loss for words
or certainty
but today
I saw an exit,
and it wasn't nosediving off the road

I used to write

like if I said it enough
found the right way
suddenly someone would grasp
understand, untie me

as if, in naming my fears
they would stay in plain sight
not in shadows
dancing on the wall

like if my tongue
could blunder through
the brambles in my throat
I would stay
awake
aware
afloat

you're right
I don't deserve it
and every always
is a shade for
some uncertain grasp
on why we need other people
why my heart still hurts
and why the good things
can't last

I learn so much
from each time
my heart breaks
from each time
I turn my self off
to keep a straight face
there will probably be more days
but I'm not going to forget
that you ******* walked away

In some world
it could almost be funny
that you're this idea
I've been stuck on
but really
you were the first
soul that I ever
found truth in

you saw me
(you promised
you'd never let me
run away)

and I keep avoiding
face to face
because
these awful sobs
get caught in my throat
and I can't know what
god awful noise will escape
in place of "hello"

(I ******* swear
I've moved on)

I haven't heard
your voice in
10 months
(except for
in my head
in my dreams
and
in a voicemail
that you told me
"always")

I am new

but
every ******* word
is still true
and I refuse
to let my
sinking chest
make a lie
out of you