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 Nov 2013 Haley Rezac
Redshift
people **** the life out of me

i'm like a sugary cereal that they eat and eat and eat
but they never get full

i am so tired by the end of the day
i just want to go home
take off all the clothes i wore for them
take off all the pretension
all the make up
and lie on the floor

are you enough to keep me alive?

i suppose being infectious and wanted is a blessing
it has been a very long time since i have felt unwanted
probably way back into my awkward teenaged years
and now everyone wants me
but i don't want myself

are you enough to keep me alive?

the one person who i know cares about me
got scared when i put a nerf gun under my chin
and pulled the trigger
i just wanted to feel the air
test it out
see if the barrel of a gun belonged there
i have never told her that i didn't want to live
but i think she knows
the only reason i'm here
is for the people around me

are you enough to keep me alive?
 Nov 2013 Haley Rezac
Powers
Dont you DARE have the audacity to say you were good to me
when I can recall nothing but a nightmare.
 Nov 2013 Haley Rezac
Redshift
i haven't fallen in love with someone in such a long time
i'm pretty sure if the abercrombie and fitch of cowtown usa confessed his life long love for me right now
i'd tell him to *******.

my sister is gushing her way through a romantic comedy romance
with some hot criminal justice major
and i'm happy to proffer advice
and cluck sympathetically
and oo and aww at the right moment
but my lack of drive to have something similar for myself
is slightly disconcerting

i worry that if i ever do have someone that means something to me
i'll have to explain to to them about my family
why i don't talk to my mom
why my little brothers and sisters can't see my dad
why my body is covered in scars
why i'm such a ****** up clown girl
and to be honest
i feel as if i don't have the ******* energy
to lay everything bear
to a potentially back-stabbing ******* human being

i've learned that everyone has that potential
my own mother tore me to pieces in front of a court of law
if the woman who gave birth to you
and claimed to love you for 18 years
can turn into a monster
so quickly
so can anyone else
and that is why i don't love people
like i say i do
because somewhere i know that they'll **** me over
they're human,
it's what they do

little clown girl,
sit on your dusty shelf
until it's empty
and you have it to yourself
i don't need any other accent
i just need space
and a knife
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Redshift
i look at the burn peeling on my arm and i think about all the **** that got me here
from the red asterisk i drew with a knife three years ago
in the butter yellow room of my older sister's house
when we were homeless
to the childhood summer i spent as a lake baby
in my grandmother's car

i finger the scores of cuts on my arms
my thighs
old, most of them
some too deep to fade
each scar has a face
most of them are
mommy's

i like to remember her from old photographs
sun-bleached hair down to her unblemished thighs
the most inexplicable shine in her face

i think of how different those photographs would be
if she knew then that her daughter hurt her body
every time she thought of her mother

i think the smile would be different

but i look at her now
grayed,
aging...
still smiling.
as if she didn't know
that she made me a tiger
gave me these stripes
as if she didn't know
that it is her fault i am a killer

i look at the burn peeling on my arm
and for once this self harm isn't pretty to me
it is very, very ugly
a big, blistering red mark
marring my freckles
i wonder when it will fade
or if it will at all
i wish i could burn more than
just this arm
of mine.
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Schanzé
I wondered why you always stayed
Tell me love - why have you not swayed,
away from me and my dark deception?
because everyone left.
There's no one here,
like you,
they saw my true reflection.

But you my love, you stuck to my side.
Your love for me, you said would never subside.
Even when I shut you out & darkened your soul.
Threw away your dreams, buried them in a hole.

My demons attacked you & tore you apart,
but still you stayed with your strong beating heart.
You refused to go, even when I traded in honesty.
I fell back into your arms and you caught me so modestly.

You're here,
you always are, even when I'm gone.
But sadly, dear sweetheart I see my demons have won.
They've consumed you, the good, and filled you with sadness
Wake up sweetheart, wake up, step out of my madness.
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Powers
People always ask me why I never attend school
I want to tell them "I'm too emotionally vacant to care"
"I know I'm not destined for great things" I'd announce
"I'll be dead before I'm 20,
I have no kids to look forward to
and no desire to marry"
So why should I spend 13 years of my life cooped up
Learning the value of x
when I cant even find value in waking up in the morning.
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Brooke
in the winter i met a boy
who lied about his love for me,
who hit me
never knowing why
and still, he said:
"i'm only doing this because i love you"
he left bruises on my arm
and scars on my wrists,
he always made fun of my
weight.
he never failed to say: "i love you"
with his mouth full of lies.
it has gotten so bad
to the point where i started
believing that
i deserved all he was doing to me

in summer, i met a boy
who treated me like a princess
he bought me nice things,
wrote me letters
he took the pain
a w a y
my parents approved of him,
my friends did too
he kisses like the devil
while keeping all of my demons
away
my friends told me
keep him. stay.
now i know
i deserved
more
than the boy i met in the winter
-b.m
i wrote this poem about my past trauma expierence, if you're ever in an abusuve relationship and you don't seek help or leave him because you think he loves you, you're not the victim. don't stay because he says the right words just to get what he wants. it gets better, it always gets better. leave. him.
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Redshift
i had this strange notion that new clothes would make people want me.
like a tripping over a new stereotype and taking it home to dry
would make people notice me
like my pictures on instagram
now that i can hashtag "gamergirl"
"nerdgirl"
"glasses"
"geek".

like somehow big bows and tight jeans
loose sneakers and earcuffs
and fake glasses
would finally sort me into the right file
with all the other people
like me (?)

like me.
are you like me
as in the clothes i'm wearing
the movies i'm watching
the games i'm playing
are you like me like the words i use
like the smiles i smile
like the imitation kim kardashian perfume that i buy (?)

i had the feeling that people would notice me
that hipster boys in starbucks would take a sideglance, then go for another peek
that boys from ivy-league schools
would ask for my number
that gamestop employees would stand too close to me...
and i was right.

but being right doesn't always mean you're happy
and though i am somehow now interesting
and attractive
and easy to sort into small plastic boxes
i feel
empty
poor
cold
materialistic

basically, i feel like every girl i have ever envied.
i don't know why i envied them.

they are not like me.
 Oct 2013 Haley Rezac
Tom McCone
at once, a world is deigned in
colour or some other life-like
artifice. with no need to find
fault in these motions, the
sky trails on, the clouds follow
in all and fragile suit. for
an instant all things are
composed.              
                all animacy
yields this wallpapered lounge;
the stacks of light, in sway.
and here, me, in
obsoletionary pose, in drought.
the entropic slow loss of
self-esteem, the ability to
retain memories, the light
burnt clean through these
papered walls.          
but i still brush my teeth,
still keep clean, still keep
hope bundled, tight, close:
a dream,      
     i'll never see.
a memory never        
             made reality.

common uncertainty, or
the unmaking of me.
I am made of absences.
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