I spent too long drowning
under the weight of your devotion
breathing in your pressurized air
and counting the days
on the underside of my arm.
For you,
I tweaked myself, freaked myself
out by my willingness to fold.
And after everything,
it was you who walked away.

Never think of me with regret
We will leave unspoken that connection
And remain as we were,
Barely even friends.
Why am I so sad?
I have lost, really, so very little
We were never close
I was too afraid to examine the reasons why.
I would love to claim you as my friend
To tell you now, how you delight me
How the twist of your smile
Makes my insides spin
How I want to move against you
And feel your hands press
Around the curve of my spine.
But these are not the thoughts of a friend
We are not, and never will be
Anything of the sort.
What will we be?
Please, not awkward strangers
Regretting a night I would rather relive.

Can I have me back, please?
Thief of my life
Can you set her free, for me?
What you have given me back, so far
Bears no resemblance to the glowing, happy girl you stole away.
I admit, the resemblance is there,
But what's this desperation in her eyes
And the dark, dark circles underneath?
Where's their laugh and sparkle?
This can't be my me
Can I have her back?
Or, if this imposter is a part
Of what I was, then
Can I have the rest?
Can I have back
Calm contentment
Eyes wide shut
And the most important part that was your friend?

She said we were wired
But we hadn't had much coffee
I was wired to you.
The still smarting
Electric tang
Of your lips against mine
The unfamiliar burn of whisky
And the hot, metallic burn of
sparks between us.
How could they not see?
I know how...
If this were reversed
I couldn't conceive of such betrayal
Yet, being on the other side
I see things aren't so clear.
However much I want you
I want to mend things more
I will cut the connection
Leave me drowning in the dark.

With these words, I find him in my head
They are my salvation.
When I need to find a way to him, I write instead
He is my creation.
Please don't leave me, hungry words
My appetite, not met, at bay,
Without you, there are pictures in my head
I won't turn them to words
They need to stay unsaid.

I am standing in the rain
With my face upturned to the stern, judgemental sky
The's no pathos here for me
This rain doesn't mirror my pain
It isn't soft or sympathetic,
Just relentless dripping.
Rattling, gritty city rain
Impervious, acidic,
Trying to dissolve me.
It doesn't matter
I am already melting, ungently
Parts of me are floating down the sludge-slick streets
Of this place I used to love.
It's poison for me now
Pulling me apart, like the rain
Working on me, persistent dagger drips
It's water torture.
Even if I turn away, and cover all that's bare
Each droplet seems to find me
Seeking out the pressure points
Left tingling by your kiss.

Today I planted summer.
I dug through the slumbering roots of spring,
the hollowed out tubes of earth where cold rested,
Biting through roots and earth and little bits of ice,
an ice colder than life and ice colder than death
rested, eating up all the warmth.

I started with this, the cold. I couldn't
melt them myself,
winter must always come again.
So I just pushed it off, the cold. I tucked it away.
Because I had the seed.
So I tucked the seed into the ground, beaming golden
I stepped away while it began to live, while its potential unfolded.
And oh, the potential.

Summer breezes, ocean tides, green grass,
new loves, the gold of sunlight. Barely audible, a voice sang.
Sang of melting and moving and shifting and growing and
burrowed into the earth finding all the cold
melting the frozen joints of the earth, to kiss the ice,
to stave off the freezing of the earth.

The energy of the sun and nature itself wound through that seed
and spread out through the soil.
And I, I only planted it. So I went home to wait for spring.

I have been chewed up
and spit out by life,
defeated, defiled,
haunted by specters,
plagued with poor luck.

But I don't stand in pride
for having emerged
with my spirit unbroken.

I bow in gratitude
for having been given
the chance to struggle
for something I love.

I noticed

  Today, in class, I noticed you.
I noticed that at just the
right time of day,
when the weather is perfect
and the sun shines through the windows,
my shadow appears
on the back of your shirt.
And, in the strangest of  ways, it was one of the most
beautiful things
I have ever seen.
And then, in the next instant,
I became sad when I noticed that
you,
my friend,
will never know the
beauty
of my shadow
because it will always be at your back.
. It will always be in your blind spot.

And what a shame that is.