I'm stuck, I'm lost
I'm just looking for the exit
in this never ending maze,
and I'm a never ending skeptic

well, it seems that it's infinite
just like my thought process,
and my ways of staying diffident
I'm looking for a solution,
but it seems to be rhetorical,
so I just answer my questions
with unclear answers that are metaphorical

I'm drowning, sinking deep
on this never ending quest for never ending sleep
but it's just never ending hell
and I'm blinded by confusion
is this the life I live
or a never ending delusion

I'm a ******
I don't do drugs or drink
my only flaw is how much I think
I don't believe in God but I believe in me
And I don't know where I belong on my family tree

I don't propose that **** is based on a girl's clothes
I suppose I'm dumb or brilliant but who really knows
You could say that I'm narcissistic or have low self-esteem
with a girlfriend with a pocketless pocket and a head full of dreams

Whoa that didn't flow, that last line
Imperfect effort seems to be an attribute of mine
Look at this rhyme scheme, it's so diverse
I guess I can get away with this; I couldn't get any worse
One favorite, three favorite, fifty-four
Give me validation, I could always use some more
Hello, Hellopoetry! You've been so forgiving
of my beautiful poetry that reflects an ugly way of living
Tell me, tell me: Should I write more?
What if my sadness is gone, and my melancholy no more?
Will you still love me if I write about crinkle-cut fries?

"****. No more suicide poems, does this kid still try?"

Is there still a Josh Haines if he no longer cries?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he doesn't wanna die?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he starts to fall?
Is there still a Josh Haines if he gets it all?
Is there still a Josh Haines after every kiss?
Is there still a Josh Haines after he writes all of this?

Eh. Maybe, baby. Maybe.

I'm sorry,
I wish I was better too
and I know what you're thinking,
there's just nothing I can do

I try and I try
but I'll never be close to good,
I wish I could treat you better,
and I know you wish that I would

hell, you deserve it
and hell, I really don't
but I don't know what I'd do without you
and when I think you'll leave, I hope you won't

all I can do is hope,
all I can do is try,
you make me want to live,
when all I want to do is die

our words flow like rivers,
but rather than water,
we speak in paradoxes,
we blame ourselves,
when we aren't to blame,
and we blame others,
when we feel weak,
is there a solution?
how can I love and hate myself,
all at once?
we're born into these expectations
and as we progress through our life
it seems like the more years that pass,
the more expectations we gain,
and as I sit down and watch that clock tick,
thinking of all those questions asked,
wondering where I'll be in five years,
who I'll be in five years,
but I'm still looking for those answers,
we're shoved in a box,
expected to carve our own path, to where we want to be
because life is a series of decisions,
and I still don't even know me

There is a line I cross across myself and beside myself I lay broken
With every sigh there is goodbye and I reside by words I've never spoken
I need help
Staying strong has never felt so wrong. Staying strong has never felt so wrong.
           Staying strong has never felt so wrong.
Staying strong has never felt so ******* wrong.
                                                                ­Staying strong has never felt so

**** me.
******* **** me.
Give me your lips and thrill me.
Perk up your shoulders as I lay there and smolder
thrill me.

Whoops, there I said it and if I feel it then I must really mean it
and if I mean it, then I must really want it
and if I want it then I'll eat fire.
And duh-duh-duh he's going to eat fire, ladies and gentleman.
Boys and girls,
there are seven wonders of the world
and you'll never see them, let alone be them.

You ******* *******
I trusted you
I was just a child

"I'm scared."

You touched me in ways that you thought would bring satisfaction
but all you created was destruction

"You do it or you go to hell. It's in the bible."

Just because you corrupted my body
doesn't mean that you corrupted my being.
And you will never know who I am
just because of my body.
I have heaven inside of me
and oceans so deep in my heart
that I can drown others with my love.

I am not what the TV says I am
I am not what a textbook says I am
I am not my grades
I am not the flames that have burnt me

I am love
I am hope
I am the fingers brushing her face
I am courage
I am ambition
I am fighting to fix everything
while you lay dead and broken under dirt that is above you.
Above you.
Above you.
Above you. Above you. Above you. Above you. Above you.

This is the one time I will not be weak.

If I can overcome this then I can overcome anything at all
and if I can't
then forever I'll fall.

High school high,
from over there.
Mechanical hips,
wire hair.

Low count sheets,
cigarette burns.
All alone,
I have learned.

Initiate
what you will,
we chase love
until it's killed

****** winds
across my room
as I sleep,
my body blooms

On repeat,
my hurt is blue
don't feel bad
you can hurt me, too.

That girl
Is skin and bones
Takes long drags on her cigarette
Makes funny comments
About not eating
She's mysterious and vague
And she's not real
Eating disorders are not fun,
Or cute, or romantic, or tragically beautiful
There's nothing romantic
About worrying about
Your breath smelling
Of ***** while kissing
Someone you love
There's nothing romantic
About seeing an expensive dinner
Your boyfriend bought you
Swim blurrily in the toilet
There's nothing beautiful
About rotted teeth
And hair growing on your arms
If you think this is beautiful,
You can have it in exchange
For the ability to do basic things
I need in order to live
Like ******* eat  
It's not beautiful
To never feel beautiful
And never love yourself
So when we see ribs on a girl
And you see romance,
I'll see her ribs
As a cage
Keeping the pain in

My love and I, shared the summer last year,
While Dragonflies stitched until the close of day,
I see her now, the fond memories so dear.

We both loved a lifetime without any fear,
From fragrant meadows our cares floated away,
My love and I, shared the summer last year.

Her pleasant laughter, I can still hear,
Threading the air with the scent of fresh hay,
I see her now, the fond memories so dear.

Why we drifted apart still remains unclear,
Did passion die when blue skies turned grey?
My love and I, shared the summer last year.

I embraced her soul, held it so near,
But already I sensed her slipping away,
I see her now, the fond memories so dear.

In stoic silence, I shed a single tear,
Resolved to keeping my sadness at bay,
My love and I, shared the summer last year,
I see her now, the fond memories so dear.

©Paul Chafer 2014