As i walk outside
and close the door,
I slowly pace
up and down my path,
I flick my ash
from my cigarette and
it gently falls like snow.
Its where i go to ponder,
life and some of its beauty
and by some i mean not much
and by not much i mean there is none.
For me atleast,
There was but it has passed.
Should i recover
i will not be the same,
but i will have seen through
this darkness.

I have no feeling
I have boxed it up
and have locked it away
far in my mind.
I am numb to all feeling
and have been ever since.
My kindness,
My generosity,
is it taken for granted,
am i too kind
or too forgiving.
am i too much,
or was i never enough.
I have always been numb,
no matter how hard i try
the pain is never there,
even when i need it the most,
why is it so hard
and for how long will it last...

The three compassions
came to me
in a moment of silence
during a dream.
Not a daymare
Not a nightmare.
But in a moment of
rare and splendid peace.

It was laid out
for me
in a single distinct vision.

Compassion for self
Compassion for others
and the undefinable innocence of
all existence.

I tried so hard
to do so good
in everything
I said and did
but
faltering, fumbling,
obsessed, and human flawed.
I had much to learn
about
acceptance,
forgiveness
and the live and learn.

Perhaps this compassion
never comes
except in moments
of melancholy
on a foggy Christmas morning.

The fire needed tending
the warmth of the glow was fading.

I looked into her eyes
I looked into their eyes
and where I looked
I saw that with a look
I turned others
into
objects, chairs, tables, rocks.
I saw a different glow
the touch of that
innocent continuity
in all of us
fragile I'ness
suspended in a holistic whole
of
joy, suffering
peace and fear
connection and love
shining glowing
light of life
within the darkness
of the universe.

The third compassion
is rather odd
a mandala.
Extending out in concentric circles
encompassing the
fantastical, magical
workings of the universe
the vast expanse
of space and time.

And my momentarily
conscious knowledge
of my glowing light
and my place
in
now.

I saw the temporary tenderness
of all existence
my heart opened
the fire surged
on this foggy
humboldt
Christmas sunrise...

My mind full of shrapnel,
From thoughts and feelings
i will not mend them
in fear of what i might find.
My body is unshaven wood,
Don't touch,
For you will catch my splinters.
I try to run
but my feet are scarred,
From the shattered dreams
and shattered hopes
of where i tread,
It seems all i leave is darkness,
and i hope i can find my light
someday.

My words,
They speak,
In depth too deep.
I was lost,
Too long,
Travelling in this limbo, I'm in.
But then,
My eyes,
Caught a glimpse of a youth.
Is it a female?
Or male?
Or my eyes been fooled.
My mind,
That night,
Was lost in the woods.
I was far too deep in this forest,
Oh Spring.
The moon,
Was shining,
Illuminating the silhouette,
Got me fixed.
This face,  
It's beauty,
Swept me off with such graceful sin.
For this beauty,
My heart,
It beat a rhythm, too familiar it seems.
9 years,
So long,
I couldn't less agree.
Old flames,
Rekindled.
My legs grow weaker as I paced down to you.
My heart,
They shy,
Like a kid in love, so true.
And there,
You are,
My eyes wasn't lying when they caught you.
This perfect vision could just be blind,
If it were to miss.
This beauty,
I had once knew.
Our bodies collide under this crimson moon.
Praising misses and kisses,
Two hearts,
One love,
They fused.
Is this,
The sign,
That we both could conclude.
Or we could just forget,
The world,
Just lay,
Together and forever,
Till the Autumn flowers bloom.

©2013 Maman Screams