jeremy
can't go to the bath room
he'll get to go soon
but he wants to stick it out
to impress his new girlfriend
they're having a contest
what the hell

jeremy
is getting uncomfortable
he seeks those public stalls
but he has to stick it out
to show his girlfriend
his high school touchdown

I'm not tryna say
jeremy had a bad touchdown
no way it was great
it'll turn up anyone's frown
but he's no less a fool
jeremy get your head back in the game

jeremy
and his quiet agony
will sit in purgatory
waiting for their next step up
what will become of you
old jeremy

jeremy
you're going to explode now
your guts went everywhere
that's how you feel inside your head
jesus Christ jeremy
go to the restroom

I don't think your girlfriend
cares if you leave for one minute
she doesn't want you to end
just so you can show her your trinkets
really that's a poor decision
come on

"excuse me babe I have to use it"
is that how you say it jeremy?
did you forget this was a contest?
did you forget what would happen
if you lost?

everyone is laughing
at ****** jeremy
he can't even do anything
even hold in his ***
god what an *******
you should go home nerd!!!!

oh my god, now he's bagged up
he's confused and ****
then he remembers the contest
"LOSER becomes garbage forever"
he accepts this gladly

jeremy, oh sweet young jeremy
you were human for such a short time
not long enough by any means
I'm sorry you had to become trash
this song goes out to you
a ballad of your phreshness
you'll be the freshest piece of trash in the whole ******* dump
goodbye jeremy
we wont forget you

"12 gauge iron piping"
i chant continuously

"where can I get me some of that
smooth, solid, 12 gauge
iron piping?"

the citygoers glance at me
and return to their business

i cannot stop myself
this chant I foresee
has no end

I grab a man by the shoulders
a burly man
he is terrified

"wh... whadya want?"
he asks nervously
pedestrians are starting to take notice

"iron piping! Get me some of that smooth iron piping!!"
"excuse me?"
several police officers are approaching now
i can smell them pigs

"ay pigs!!" i screech
as I run toward them
arms outstretched
ready to have me some ham
they draw their tasers and fire
too much voltage
I am gone

"for thirteen dollars
ill tear apart
1 big Texan phone book

no deal if raining
. no refunds.
you must provide
the materials"

"tear apart
my phonebook
for twelve dollars"
says man

"exit the area"
I repeatedly bellow
twelve dollars is chump change
I'm better than that

im like a siren
I can't stop screaming
at this man
his face is turning purple
he's choking from fear
I continue
it is nice to me

I glare him in the eyebalks
"HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR
BIG TEXAN PHONE BOOK
SAT UPON FOR MILENNIA"
I SCOFF as I sit upon it

he stands
"that phonebook ain't yours feller"
i am aghast
he snatches it from me
and shoots me in the gut

i lay in the dirt
writhing in pain
he steps near my head
and leans down to whisper
calmly in my ear

"no refunds"
he stomps on my face
and thus ends my reign
as king of ripping
big Texan phonebooks
into two smooth halves
for thirteen dollars

donut

inside, outside
upside, downside
east side west side
don't be so snide

i find you cried
after you tried
needing two minds
seeking bedside

"abide all nine
thousand and five"
ain't but half fried
feeling you died

your side, your hide
not my own fight
up to you Clyde
but ****, you slide


molded, folded
formed, stolid
candy coated
heaps of no dead

inside noted
kept you floated
safe and boated
from the toted

to your faux-head
mercury and lead
hitting homestead
killing your bed

Clyde I warn-ed
you turned instead
mind insipid
soul got shredded


waiting hating
same-old-stating
working, pacing
"what's you bringing?

me some red things
lectric singing"
know it's stinging
making ringing

could be stringing
I'm just saying
Clyde you're dying
writhing, frying

clinging, peering
never hearing
you keep working
I'll keep singing