Nothing feels right for me with you but everything feels wrong without you

I love you in a weird way but I don't care for you the same way

All the same I will never know how to move on or stay

So now I'm stuck in an odd middle phase

Thus is not a word that has slipped between my teeth in years. She showed up unexpectedly, as usual. Grey blue eye's, the ones I had inherited from her, were overflowing with joy, as I welcomed her into my home. Dyed hair beyond repair curled around her bloated face. She was wearing a beat up Jean jacket, the one she always wore. Along with grey sweat pants that use to belong to my grandmother, they fit her perfectly now. Her smile opened slightly displaying rotten, decaying, and missing teeth. As I took it all in, she grabbed my arm's unhesitantly, pulling me into a death hug. Voicing the same old words of affection and explaining how everything will be alright from now on. (As if now she was home I could finally sleep peacefully at night) but this time was different, this time the smell of her favorite alcohol and cheap tobacco didn't comfort me. This time it ****** me off. I pulled away looking past her eyes and into the broken pieces of her soul.
I began to see her for who she truly was, for the first time. My hands curled up into fist, sweat started to drip from the sudden intake of anger. Inhaling slowly, I spoke the words without thinking, what my gut was screams. "you can't stay here, I don't want you here."
Her smile fell flat and her eyebrows swept together. Her once daring eye's squeezed shut, holding back tears of confusion. She looked down feeling sorry for herself, and with a pleading whisper her mouth let the words "why, what did I do?" Looking away from this pity sight, I gazed out the same window I had done so many times wondering where she was and If she was okay. I began to analyse a list, I had unknowingly made throughout the years, of reasons why. Tears of hate and sorrow brought me back to reality. Eight cold words flowed effortlessly when I brought my gaze back to her. You will never know because you were never there. She backs away slowly, suddenly lost in thought. I watched her drift out my front door for the last time, not bothering to say goodbye or farewell. For the first time that night, I slept peacefully.

Let me begin this with an apology.
An apology for the way I have been acting lately.
I do not know how I've let myself become so selfish,
But you must understand, I'm working on myself,
I just need time to find the me I know I can be.

I've had a re-occurring thought of coming back home, lately.
Just for a week or two,
but every time I try it
Within a hour I'm getting ******* at for words I didn't say
It crumbles my heart

Now don't you forget, I will always remember
You have been there since the very first day
Through the best and the worst,
it has been us against every home we've lived in.
Regardless of the fact that we've been growing apart
I don't want to lose you,
but I just can't find the time to start our YouTube channel.

I'm not blind to the fact, I may lose bits and pieces
of our own personal connection
as we mature,
But you will always be a part of me.

I know I haven't been acting the way some of these words display,
I lost sight of my past, I strayed from our path of fondness, but if you're willing to give it a try,
It's something I'd like to get back.

You are always on my mind,
deep down I know my heart is always crying
Therefore, I hope you might accept my sincerest apology.

And if that is something you are unable to do,
I will understand.
I'm truly sorry.
This is my apology.

Someday I will make a poem you'll like or understand but that's not today.
Today I'm laying in bed deciding what to do with my life
Tomorrow I'll probably be doing the same thing, and so on,
But today is where I decide what or who I should cut out or be there for this year.

There are times where its impossible to make a decision but sometimes you have no choice and that's where I'm at right now