Thus is not a word that has slipped between my teeth in years. She showed up unexpectedly, as usual. Grey blue eye's, the ones I had inherited from her, were overflowing with joy, as I welcomed her into my home. Dyed hair beyond repair curled around her bloated face. She was wearing a beat up Jean jacket, the one she always wore. Along with grey sweat pants that use to belong to my grandmother, they fit her perfectly now. Her smile opened slightly displaying rotten, decaying, and missing teeth. As I took it all in, she grabbed my arm's unhesitantly, pulling me into a death hug. Voicing the same old words of affection and explaining how everything will be alright from now on. (As if now she was home I could finally sleep peacefully at night) but this time was different, this time the smell of her favorite alcohol and cheap tobacco didn't comfort me. This time it ****** me off. I pulled away looking past her eyes and into the broken pieces of her soul.
I began to see her for who she truly was, for the first time. My hands curled up into fist, sweat started to drip from the sudden intake of anger. Inhaling slowly, I spoke the words without thinking, what my gut was screams. "you can't stay here, I don't want you here."
Her smile fell flat and her eyebrows swept together. Her once daring eye's squeezed shut, holding back tears of confusion. She looked down feeling sorry for herself, and with a pleading whisper her mouth let the words "why, what did I do?" Looking away from this pity sight, I gazed out the same window I had done so many times wondering where she was and If she was okay. I began to analyse a list, I had unknowingly made throughout the years, of reasons why. Tears of hate and sorrow brought me back to reality. Eight cold words flowed effortlessly when I brought my gaze back to her. You will never know because you were never there. She backs away slowly, suddenly lost in thought. I watched her drift out my front door for the last time, not bothering to say goodbye or farewell. For the first time that night, I slept peacefully.
My mother was is alcoholic, drug addicted, and a *******. That likes to pretend she cares.