11/24/21

Today them & us won. Grey became instinct and was finally silenced. The Survivors live in balance. A stalemate. A deceiving chaos when left to their own devices.  When them & us won with hate for the other; Grey who chose to live amongst them was washed out and omitted for not choosing a side.  If you ever heard me say I love a black & white society, the rule of law, it's because each side knows where they stand and where they fit in.  Grey is always stuck in a fight determining who is good and who is evil when us & them only expect and demand  Grey to pick a side. Grey clearly doesn't fit in among the masses (the m is silent).  Grey could see good and bad in us & them and loved us & them all equally.  When Grey is washed out and silenced us & them have nothing left to fight for perhaps?  Grey was the 1% who refused to pick a side because us & them both exuded hate that neither could outdo the other in.  To be left with a 50/50 of hate shows equals are the us & them.  Not one better than the other.  Left standing are the equal sums of hate.  The haze clears perhaps when Grey is removed from the equation?  Maybe Grey should learn to truly shut their mouth so that us & them can realize that they are puppets made to believe each is superior to the other when in fact are equals who like the force of water, together, can move mountains.  When those that seek to deceive you and play us & them against one another for their own greater good clarity hits who is truly evil.  Grey has no power in the fight if they can't convince us & them that they are equals.  Grey wants to just exist and hope that us & them will eventually realize that together us & them like black & white make more Grey and then we can all coexist and They will stand out like the moon that manipulates the seawater to destroy all in its path.  It may be time for Grey to retreat to solitude.  Maybe Grey is the problem and They is ultimately that which should win?  Grey feels it in their gut they have a place here among us & them, but They seems to be all us & them can see as relevant.  Forgive us & them for they know not what They do.

4/11/2020

The world is crashing down
Humanity is programmed to destroy
Word hurt
Sharper than any bullet

Like ***** and Gomorrah
Our planet we tore to shreds
Words hurt
More than any slap in the face

The money prescribed on alcohol
While others spend their life in pain
Words hurt
Hindsight such a crying shame

Cain and Abel representing mankind
While mankind looks only to self
Words hurt
Because ultimately we fall short

8/15/2019

New beginnings always come with promise
Promise preceeds failure
I want only to trust what I know
Quit the foolishness let it go

I never see eye to eye
With what others see occurring
Perhaps my soul already knows
No sense rushing or scurrying

The advice of a father
Always whispering in my mind
Knowing already I suppose
Of all I'll leave behind

My maker He knows the plans
He has for me and demands
I'm not meant to have that of which I dream, he has me in his hands

Free will we each are given
But the truth is it falls out of grip
Like the match of the little match girl
Not controlling her destiny or trip

I'm tired, I give my maker full control
But know I do not have any
No telling which way I will go
The decisions are way too many

Patterns

Life is full of patterns
Me always trying to be wishful
Always hoping
And routines always setting the tone

The norm isn't expected
It should be, yet it side swipes you
Like a car accident that should have
Served a purpose

Wishing and hoping
Plans made that will never happen
Reality is you can only count on
Change to occur

Plans do not seem to materialize
You are left wondering
Why do we bother
To dream

I had just begun to dream again
It always fools me to believe
I was born into comfort
That which I'm never to own

A tumbleweed in the storm
Runs through it
Or skirts the danger
Dependent only on the wind

We should take no ownership
No pride in our circumstance
Let God and the patterns
Of life decide

A blank slate of no expectations
May actually equate
Safety and we as zero
Disappointments

3/30/2018

Today is the day I step forward alone.  Eternally single no longer at home.  In your arms or on your chest.  The comfort I felt will cease to exist.

I hope and pray the best for you.  I see I wasn't made to be one of two.  Eternally solo the way it should be.  I was defying His plan when we became you and me.

Reality is I knew long ago.  That this is how it all would go.  I got my hopes up that I was wrong.  When out of nowhere you came along.

No regrets for me.  All regrets from you.  I'm sorry we weren't meant to be.  I haven't got a clue.

Never would I have wasted your time.  Had I known I wasn't your kind. Once again chaos I caused.  I'm sorry for my crazy mind.

Always the best intentions.  Never the outcome planned.  I clearly lack retention.  My thoughts should be banned.

I am moving forward at a snails pace.  Hoping I can heal.  Every day is the slowest race.  Praying forward just in case.

3/30/2018

5/9

I'm learning to exhale
Not to hold my breath
Determined to no avail
No chance of sudden death

Healthy me can't you see
That fear has kept you ill
Why live a life not worth it
Happiness does not ****

Your choices must be
To know a new reality
It's descending upon you
If you will let it be

Your fear was taking lead
Powerless still it is
The ending's been written
It's sealed with a kiss

I'm learning to exhale
Hand held along the way
Not destined to fail
Tomorrow's another day

5/9/2017

5/7

I write in order to breathe, so myself I don't deceive

Getting hopes up like a child, haven't done that in a while

Feelings uncertain, most definitely unsafe for me

You'll find me on the bottom, where I'm usually destined to be

Coming to the surface is painful as can be, when I ignorantly get comfortable where I awkwardly stand out as me

You said it once, and meant it thrice as I helped show you the way out of my life

But take a look inside yourself when you preach about taking a chance on self

You are no different than me and that perhaps was my fear

At least I am aware of my walls living mostly in acceptance my dear

For what presented as a moment I thought I found someone like me

Why that moment seems eternal as I relearn to let it be

I can do it with no problem, but each time it takes so much more

I'm exhausted, sad and lonely to the core

Of who I was, who I am and who I will be

But mostly writing to breathe because a part of me will never be


5/7/17

5/7

Fear runs deep when I feel too much

You say your intellect affords you insight and such

Then why push when I need someone to pull

Like all the rest full of bull

Trusting my instincts is all I can do

I fear good people they are far and few

I sense avoidance and that is just fine

My gifts may deceive me but they are mine

When I say I'm out it's because I know no other way

No one takes the time to make one seemingly out to play

5/7/2017

I want to breathe
I want to thrive
I want to feel alive

The time I spent not wasted
I learned a lot for not

I want to laugh
I want to smile
I want to all the time

I want to feel included
Not fretting on the sidelines

I want to comfort
I want to advise
I want to compromise

Not only where you're comfortable
Where you don't have to lie

1/29/2017

Everytime I think about my life
With you it's always the same
I cannot be a parent
I cannot have a say

Everytime I think about my life
With you it's always the same
There is no us she ruined you
The real you never became

Everytime I think about my life
With you it's always the same
I'm sad you never knew me
So you could get out of the rain

Everytime I think about my life
I realize there's only his and hers
There never was an ours to live
You don't even trust what's his

1/28/2017

Sorted thoughts compartmentalized
Hues of deceit
Are you truly happy like that
Remaining in that phase
I myself outgrew it in my twenties
Loathing creates collateral damage
You will see as time will tell
Now or later it will swell

October 19, 2014

Thank you really, honestly
For entrusting parental duties to me
Your refusal except at those times
When you think you fool others eyes

The picture you pretend to paint
Fools nobody like you think
It makes me laugh inside that your actions actually flatter me

October 20, 2014

Will you join me in this renovation
The one that fulfills our souls
The one God intended
I can feel that he knows

Building separately has yet to work
A sign we should have seen
Giving in is pride demolished
The devil brought to his knees

Attending church and counseling
In and of itself wasn't enough
Bare souls a necessity like
Standing trusting on a bluff

Vulnerable to one another
Dedicated to a higher power
All defenses down
Fear enough to make us cower

Easy is as easy does
Hard work yields bounty
Tomorrow hand-in-hand
Let's together up the ante

A season of tomorrows
Together in all the splendor
The one we failed to believe in
Worth it and oh so tender

Tender beauty
Tender hearts
Feeling like we see our parents
Together forever, never apart

April 16, 2014

Over a decade ago
Yet seems so recent
My love he took his life

I remember it well
The 4 months I felt
A gaping hole exist from strife

How time has passed
Yet the memory vivid
Cutting me like a knife

What I should have said
And done instead
And how I should have sacrificed.

Another life is gone too soon
She left others behind as well
Could it have been prevented
Makes me sad as hell

How do we continue to lose people
Who choose death by self
Are we really such poor listeners
Will I be one someday myself

Open your eyes and your ears
Your arms when we cry in fear
Don't turn your back to the crying
Lest eternally you'll hear it crystal clear

Make time for the hurting
No one should ever feel that lonely
Worse is loneliness among others
Going unnoticed dying slowly

A small smile, a hello
It's going to be alright
Tomorrow's another day
Let's make plans when the sun is bright

We all want to have hope
Why not share the little you've got
Placed in the pool of others
Amazing what you'll get back

April 16, 2014

The morning light has broken
Shed light on my broken heart
All while shedding hope, peace and promise

I've always heard that things will look different in the morning
How true that saying is today
A glimpse of hope, peace and promise

That glimpse being nurtured by the sunlight
Hopefully growing with the days oxygen and Vitamin D
If not just for today, perhaps eternity

April 16, 2014

Are you listening to what I say
Or rolling your eyes
You don't feel the same way
You're silent but I feel a goodbye

My tear-soaked pillow
Yours dry as a bone
Are we just that different
Or do you long to be alone

I'm dying here
I'll die there
What does it matter
Where or where

I'm chilled and in the way
Your arms the only remedy
Cold I am; cold I'll stay
Alone in this home

Perhaps you do hear me
And block out what I say
Unable to give me what I need
Ready to throw me away

April 15, 2014

Glitz and glamour
Super-size
Extra features
On your car

Buy one; Get one
Extra fries
Cheaper double
At a bar

Imagine the notion
Of more being too much
Rejected and squandered
Like an unnoticed touch

Opportunity knocks
But once they say
Will you notice or care
When we go away

We're a package deal
Together we come
Both of us hurting
As if we were one

We both want the same
To feel wanted, admired
Not empty, alone
About to expire

Waste not: want not
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth
It's never too late to save us
Stop this from going South

Your happiness might lie within us
I believe ours lies in you
But first you have to accept us
Not just one, but two

April 12, 2014

The fog is lifting
I can nearly see your face
Not sure of the forecast
I'll plan accordingly in case

Never knowing what tomorrow brings
May bother some
For me the ebb and flow of life
Makes me want to come undone

As long as there is rhythm
Between us I feel alive
It's when the water's stagnant
I become the sacrificed

I do not mind the to and fro
It's movement of the living
The silence quietly kills me
Like darkness unforgiving

Ups and downs I can tolerate
Some are frightened by the teeter totter
It's the deadly stillness I cannot take
Not sure what's the matter

Some call is chaotic
I bask in its splendor
The fog is lifting
Nothing left to remember

You'll remember the storm with fear
I am frightened by the calm
The silence before the storm scares me
Less than that which exists after it's gone

April 11, 2014

What tomorrow brings I haven't a clue
It's really up to you
Caresses new or excitement everywhere
What will you do

Always waiting
Never chosen
Had hoped for a new scenario

Same ol' same ol'
Can't help but go there in my mind

I won't give up on happiness
It's not in my nature
Just know that when you miss me

It will be too late as I'll be exploring
I'm not one to sit and wait around
When I'm not wanted

I'm feeling it now, not sure how much more
I can take
If this is just a punishment

Pull back your hand
Ease up just a tad
I can take a lot I know

Your point is made
Don't dwell on the power
It's all so destructive

What tomorrow brings I sadly know
A short-lived new beginning

April 6, 2014

The push and pull of stubbornness
Feels like being set up for failure
I've tired of the game
Your paving the way - a blur

Thinking you want control
Never stepping up to the plate
You gave up some time ago
Wondering if I even rate

Heartbroken angry and hopeless
Viewed from either side
Hard to work it out
When all there is is pride

I may as well pack up my things
It's feeling all too familiar
I never win I've learned this
How not to live bitter

Easy come easy go
Safety in not trusting
In the end you'll watch me go
Can't stand to watch you rusting

I suppose you see the greener grass
You know, the one from the past
Going backwards may be your style
Not mine, this will be our last

April 6, 2014

Your silence deafens me
Your uncertainty never shocks me
I knew within months
The tangled web we weave

I have days of doubt with the hurdles
Moments of clarity for how you can make me feel
If only your head wasn't so cloudy
Of the reason you were brought my way

If I need to live a day at a time so be it
Just let's make it worth it
Make time in the present
Instead of rushing to plan the future

March 29, 2014

This greeting comes
Have a nice day
Easier said than done

Haven't had one in a while
Can name the reasons why
The list as long as the Nile

What to do or what not to do
The question I'm left to ponder solo
Feels familiar, always has, oh no!

What shall I do?
Rescue me!
Come to me on bended knee

It won't happen, we're not dating
I'd sabbatoge it if you did
I need pure raw emotions that you keep well hid

The sexes unstable in this world today
What connotations does it carry
When you say, "have a nice day"

February 10, 2014

Stranger than death is life
Full of chaos, full of strife
Honesty is hard to come by
Trouble brewing 'round every corner

Like a glass of milk upon a counter
Our lives are rotting away
Under the illusion of newness
Brought about each passing day

Hard to live with both eyes open
Tossed about and hurled
Moving about like puppets
We're living in a dying world

February 10, 2014

The glass remains half empty
And disappointed I remain
In love
In life
To me they're one and the same

My expectations too high?
Is it wrong to want more?
In love
In life
To me, I'm not one to adore

Disappointed at times
Beyond belief, unimaginable
In love
In life
Told often I'm incorrigible

February 9, 2014

Our love story doesn't exist
It's what I create within the walls of my mind
I pretend you're who I need you to be

What once were qualities needed
Are no longer so
This day and time it's about qualities desired

Women living the roles of men
Men domesticated in aprons
Sprawled out on couches

Men living the roles of women
Women working two jobs
Going without sleep feeding the children

It's sad to think that generations past
Took part in solidifying my destiny
To never have what I really need

Our love story doesn't exist
It's what I create within the walls of my mind
I pretend you're who I need you to be

February 3, 2014

Forever held captive and unappreciated
Rules no where to be found
Until now I was captivated
I have finally found a way out
Tis life I say with a pout

Perhaps it's me I say
Reminding myself
Of where I come from
God help me
Remember
And praise you for the challenges
May they help me feel alive

January 23, 2014

Today is another day
That's what you dislike about me
I've tried it your way holding grudges
After all, it's who I used to be

I've done it all
Many things twice or more
Treating me like I'm naive
Irritates me to the core

Perhaps because I'm younger than you
Or maybe because I get told I look like a child
You are who you are
I am who I am no longer wild

Is the notion to go out to sow some oats still there?
It is for me still, doubt remains it will suffice
Why you deny it's the same for you I do not know
I doubt you'll admit it once much less twice

Hearing what God wants or what the Lord says
Isn't the same as knowing what you want
I know I've been living both scenarios
Scared to ask for signs, fear of an inappropriate jaunt

Ultimately we both know His desires
Between you and I
I believe I'm more certain than you
Believing it may be so 'til I die

January 20, 2014

I have strong beliefs in the unknown
The unrealized, the unseen
Bad days are bad, good days are good
Whatever shall tomorrow bring?

My walk in faith though short
Has supported what I always felt existed
Yet the closer I work to obtain it completely
The further away it gets, almost resisted

Why can't I find true love in the music
That which brings me to life
Any tempo, any rhythm
Even the sad causes me no true strife

I can get lost in the harmony, lost in the beat
Found in it's simplicity
Resurrected in its complexity
Wherever shall it be?

Perhaps, when I'm not looking
Not searching, unexpectedly
There faith will stand
In all it's splendor I'll legitimately believe

January 19, 2014

How many women feel married and alone?
Is it a trend or is it here to stay?
The luxuries of dating are minimized and abolished
Slavery, in its time a purpose was believed to be served

Dating is about having boundaries
You see each other when you like
You confine yourself to solitary bliss when you so desire
Women shave or don't

Men go out or stay home without fear of ridicule
Sure, having children can complicate matters
Think about how many have children not in common
But the allure to being single remains

Slavery was abolished
Should marriage be?
Without its existence we'd all be on our best behavior
Is that the key to world peace?

The bible supports marriage
The government denies rights to those *****
So much for separation of church and state
Like women's rights I had no part in choices made for me

Food for thought

January 19, 2014

Since your life revolves around winning and losing
Let me help you boast
I lost, you defeated me - to thee I toast

You do not drink?  Or do you?
I'm now certain you never speak the truth
Fooling some, but shocking others
To me, you are no Ruth

Loyal to no one but the voice in your head
That constantly feeds your perfection
I'm aware of my flaws
Perhaps that you see as our connection

It saddens me that you won't let me help
You're the other side of the mirror
From a time not so long ago
When I faked a life that made me shiver

You may be older
But twice the life I've lived
I'm well-versed in the school of life
No longer contrite nor miffed

Harmony and peace you say you represent
Not from the angle I'm standing
Perhaps the nicer you presented
To the Buddha that I saw hovering

I'm closer than you think
Closer yet I'm sure I'll be
I'm here for the long haul lady
Not how you'd thought it would be

27 years you texted him
On the day that would've been your anniversary
The lights at our house nightly grow dim
Celebrating our paperversary

You accuse those around you
Of the very things you do in time
Protective of your home?
How was your tour of mine?

Happy **** day, thinking of you
Love you still always have, always will
Why these things you find necessary to send
To someone who now is mine after you threw him away

Mistakes is how I see these inappropriate outbursts
Made by you or regretted by you
At the very least a charm to feed your enjoyment
Quite the bracelet worn to pay your dues

Heavy enough to hold down your wrist
But no not in this circumstance
Hate and discontent
Part of your ebb and flow your pageant stance

I suppose I'll continue to study you
Helps me in my course of study
Psychology and Criminal Justice
My special project, not my buddy

Making the most of what has crossed my path
As long as you keep coming at me
Another page to my thesis you'll add
Prayers for us both, survival to thee

Tomorrow's another day
The Lord versing me in forgiveness
Personal success for me come what may

December 13, 2013

Ever think you know know what you want?
Then the next day you are startled to find yourself lost.
Are the majority of us walking around confused?
Lost in a moment only to find the moment's passed.

Certainty must be written in the smallest font.
We live in search of satisfaction, but at what cost?
Striving to be pleased with the small stuff, yet confused.
Living in glass boxes hoping the last stone to cast.

Who will set me free from these thoughts that haunt?
Strange as independent I am that I long to be bossed.
Wanting someone to shake me and break me from being confused.
Hurry come claim me and please make it fast.

April 6, 2012

Storms are enlightening to some.
I distrust the peace they bring to those unsuspecting.
Most will sleep like there's no tomorrow, enjoying the power displayed.
I stay awake ready at a moment’s notice for action.
My slumber comes after the storm has passed and retreats to gain strength for yet another day.
I am the defender of what remains to be identified.

Our connection is like a storm rhythmic in nature as if we are one.
A vision of the push and pull and simultaneous dance I imagine and then reality sets in.
My visions created from a fantasy that will never be realized.
I may only appreciate your hunger and thirst from afar, your spontaneity and a body pushed to its limits.
Up close you would see how I am truly just, and only, exhausted.
I am a dreamer meant, perhaps, to dream alone as I have lost my edge in the storm.


3/21/2012

If you're stubborn like me you can relate.
We don't do things like most.
We leave a party afoot and tell no one.
We will walk for miles than to ask for a ride.
We have our own way of doing things.
We're not to be pittied, yet often we are.

If you're full of integrity like I am.
Often our actions are out of principle.
We like to teach lessons.
Even if it means punishing ourselves.
It's how we live our life.
So if you can't relate, just get over it.

Talk to us the way a human should treat another.
Do not offend us by treating us like a sub-society.
Be kind as if we are a stranger.
For treating us like family can often disappoint.
Especially when we're the black sheep.
And you all assume we have no feelings.

Truth is we're more sensitive than most.
We're the poets and artists of our time.
We suffer in silence as well.
Why, we'll never know,
It is, what it is - so treat us with care.
For tomorrow you will miss us.

Alone again with my thoughts running wildly.
Writing the way that I do.
You have your way and I have mine.
Distracting it was to try something new.

Variety is the spice of life.
Perhaps it so for some.
Stifling it may be for others.
If I beckon will you come?

This lonely night is golden.
For I once again feel free.
Without your direction.
I can just be me.

No telling what I can accomplish.
If I'd just concentrate on going it alone.
This lonely night makes me think.
Of all the chances I've blown.

Squandered, wasted and pitched.
Time and time again.
Countless opportunities.
Reason where have you been?

A stranger in the distance.
Standing oh so still.
I can't yet see your face.
Doubt I ever will.

3/12/2012

My view of the miracles and wonders which comprise the distant surface vary from your view
Misleading landscapes that at a distance look like tiny paths when in actuality are cavernous ravines
Things of beauty are often not so pleasant up close; well-populated areas appear remote
Trampled areas seemingly untouched; desolate grounds invisible to their true hopeless form  
The most simplistic of areas majestic in reality  
Quadrants are less traveled due to their vertically challenging terrains  
The most intimidating adversary disheartens the courage, within the pure, to explore

Our worlds are polar opposites
Yet we both find common ground from differentiating views
One challenged by the wind in their face
The other is rushed along with a bellowing blow
The appearance of a storm trapped amongst Mother Nature’s forest can be beauty in one eye
The strength of unpredictability can instill fear in the other
Soon the storm passes and I am relieved the worst has passed
You taking the same breath are saddened that the display has left us

March 9, 2012

From a distance we begin to spar.
Closely as if we compete hand to hand.
Near defeat, yet just getting started.
Far from tiring, although exhausted.

Stranger than you?
I beg your pardon.
Circling about feeling like prey?
My wish, thy will or vice?

High on life in this moment.
Low on patience, but dedicated.
Curious, not enough to falter.
Excited enough to seek the ever-after.

Aesthetically appealing seems your soul.
Conquests of this kind foreign.
Shaking equally, strength contained taking it’s toll.
Wake me not, enjoying the post and beam.

Positive you are in theory.
Pessimism my motto.
Half full you see life.
Half empty I accept it.

You speak of a sequal and I smile ear to ear.
Comparative framework isn’t too much.
I've found comfort in the strange sojourner.
Equally I believe in such.

Your interests contain me.
Your mind worth exploring.
Who peaked whom?
Where did this start?

I felt the look you gave and saw it completely.
Tremble not for fear is not what I wish to bring.
Combined as one our best foot forward.
Musical words as if we sing.

March 8, 2012

Have we met?      
We have not.
Shall we meet?
Most likely not.

How can it be that those we think we know best,
we find we don't know at all?
How can a stranger seem so familiar,
that quickly, and hard we fall?

Is life about being proper?
Some believe so.
Is life about living in the now?
Still others say yes.

Who is it that truly sees who we are?
Who is it that never sees who we shall be?
The familiar so quickly become complacent.
The stranger keeps an energy ever-present.

I ask you again, have we met?
Perhaps our souls have.
I ask again, will we meet?
The stranger believes that in time all things are possible.

So it seems that potential supersedes the given.
Society believes that fate decides for us.
Who we have met.
Who we will meet.

Were it so, we wouldn't keep searching.
A lack of faith may be what causes us to accelerate through life.
Place your faith in a stranger and change the course.
With history repeating itself without benefit why continue down the road most traveled?

Are you the stranger I should place my faith in?

March 7, 2012