That house on Halstead,
with its rod-iron rusted gate,
that creaks eerily and groans when pushed aside,
looks abandoned.

Sparse lemons splayed the patches of dead earth where nothing grows, while ants playfully dance on their yellow-grey skins.

Your 1980s Kawasaki vibrating beneath us,
I'm holding you tightly as we rock back and forth on your driveway.
And we are heading nowhere. I know this, but I don't care.

I gaze at you in the circular side view mirror,
donning bed head, and your dusty clothes that moments before lingered on your bedroom floor. Arms still grasping you.
But right now, you don't see me. You never really did.
I catch a glimpse of myself, sullen lustful eyes and wild raven tresses.

You tore me apart piece by piece, my ego bruised like the dried out lemon husks we sometimes would pick up and squeeze juice from for our tea.

Placing the bandaid
on top of the next.
Placating my irrational thoughts,
but all so fleeting.

I'm happy. Then...
the wounds peak through,
I know these outside influences
whether drugs or relationships won't hold up
in the ultimate goal -
the real happiness quantifier.

That happiness
Beautiful soulful careless laughter
Give me that happiness.
Sing and dance,
but not at the expense of my lungs and kidneys.

Talk about something you know
For you.
Intrinsically fascinating,
Not fabricating lies based on ideas
for Others to like you.

Stop pleasing others for their expense.
Please yourself through ridding
Yourself of dense
Self pitying thoughts and
Push-over tendencies
Rejection fearing
and Stop baring these heavy suicidal thoughts.

Learn
To appreciate your worth,
You have a gift of
Kindness, intelligence, mindfulness.
I love myself
Or at least I'm learning to
and the healthy way.
By myself.
And I won't ask your opinion, is that okay?
Yeah I'm still learning.

My mind: inundated,
infiltrated with booming thoughts and desires.
Multiplying in one huge devastating explosion.

One after another.
Feeling your desire from a higher
energy that is pulsating through my veins,
making its way into my very being.

I crave you intensely,
immensely, mind numbingly so.
But the weeds begin to sprout,
My garden of anxiety and doubt.

I know you have your own garden to tend.

I can feel you too,
Inside of me, my mind that is.
Eyeing your beautiful,
arbitrary haphazard thoughts.
Stream of consciousness.

Connecting the dots
to tell the conclusion, there's been no
Illusion. Of my mind. Only assumption.

Not to have any confusion,
with how I feel for you
and what I think about.

Now back to assumption.
It's an evil thing.

Have the gumption
To do something about it.

All thoughts were not made equal.

Fear consumes,
but mind alludes
To you -- statuesque repose,
my heart swells in happiness.

What constitutes as fear?
An unpleasant feeling.
Our body tells us to react:

Chest tightens in expectation,
resist the urge to jump out of my skin.
Not wanting to resist the urge to jump onto yours...
be close to you in your warmth,
the sweet serenading cadences of your voice,
tracing, outlining, making me vocalize,
like a full harmonizing choir.



You are worthy, so worth it.
Unconventional, not intentional...
finding you, compassionate soul.
You make me brave, undismayed --
swayed by your gentle tenderness.

Fear consumes,
but what is fear when your mere presence brings me peace.
Chest loosens in tranquility, our heartbeats synchronized.
Once wary, now calm.

Fear is flat,
you taught me that.
An unobserved, irrational self-created entity.

Fervently fearless with you.

She walks in beauty, like the night
     Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
     Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
     Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
     Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
     Or softly lightens o’er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
     How pure, how dear their dwelling place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow,
     So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
     But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
     A heart whose love is innocent!

Finding value in material wealth...
when the only wealth you needed was my abundance of love,
baked in warm buttery homemade cookies,
rose petals shedding all over the kitchen table, one by one, your fragrance lingers as I struggle to catch my breath,
you struggling to say you love me, but you show me instead through deeds you did,
letters you sent,
food you prepared for us,
wine and liquor that you poured down my willing throat.
I'm struggling to breathe and I almost feel you.
Forbidden to touch you, but I know that feeling...
as if all too well, your fragrance lingers.
Miles and miles between,
I can hear the warm fireplace crackle, see the salty-snow covered ground,
your melodic carefree laughter turns to a beleaguered hungry stare, fixating on your prey...
You only feast when you feel like it.