The flowers will bloom, when will this child inside me bloom?
The vines have thorns.
Will these thorns keep pricking me?
I can't even really feel them.
Will I heal?
This deflated heart is waiting to be pumped with your love for all the right reasons.
This ain't no treason.
The emptiness in between the walls.
Spaces between my teeth.
Can I just feel again?
Make me feel again.

strawberry frenchfries dipped in chocolate fondue.
cry me an 8 oz cup of water when i step on you with my giant blue shoe.
dance through the forest with gnomes stapled to your shoulders.
hide your foil gum wrappers in manila folders.
left and right. front to back,
oxygen in the atmosphere may lack.
pluto and jupiter intertwine when night falls.
orange and green leather sewn to your ragdoll.
licking the excess frito crumbs from under your fingernails,
eyes pealed to the scenery of wacky inmates in jail.
selfish yellow and blue fish yelling at dr. seuss,
reading books in sunrooms drinking orange juice.
camera flashes and ripped dollar bills,
making chocolate pancakes on top of cherry hills.
hazy eyes drowning into a dream,
winter nights as cold as ben&jerrys; ice cream.
red hand chasing numbers on a clock,
movement of legs turns muscles into rock.
acid drops from black heart clouds falling onto driveways.
little kids on scooters munching on happy meals while saddened by the loss of sunrays.
23 degrees celsius and shine forcing itself through.
ice cream trucks and roadraged humans trying to get through.
bumble bee roads with lines and street signs,
teens boredum, smoking dope, drinking *****, getting fines.
police on the prowl everyday, every night, seeing through lies,
keeping their sight wide-open like a mouth in surprise.
fettuchini alfredo at fancy restaurants.
ice cold water knocked over on a ladys lap.
words missing letters, conversations missing sound.
apples and basketballs losing shape and sense of round.
flat chested skinny ******* slipping through cracks in wooden floors,
obese transexuals getting stuck in between doors.
puzzle pieces glued to the top of a bald head,
veins appear blue but blood is red.
blowing kisses, blowing out candles
cats,dogs,birds wearing sandals.

I want to be a daily dragon soaring in the sky, but i'm just a night owl hiding in the trees.


(wrote this when i barely ate and was in bed all day.mood has changed since i ate and got out of bed for a little while.)


I like my eggs to have a scramble and this just may be another rambunctious ramble but I need to have a shout out to the big D, my deep repression, also known as Depression.
Strictly glued to my bed, lying here with the sheets perched upon my chest, head propped up against two flaccid pillows, full bladder, the pressure, need to release but can't bring myself in an upward position. Munching on my homemade granola&pretzel; trail-mix, having absolutely no desire, nor energy to feed my insides, to bring fresh water to touch my lips, to nourish my body, mind, and spirit.
Staring at my furry feline, his eyes closed, tummy up in full view for a rubbing, four legs extended in every direction, so-so innocent.
Life is just too **** awfully precious to be drowning in this dark, deep, and dull dirt hole, right? Do you agree? Don't agree because I drastically disagree and don't have the energy to beg to differ.
Life is too good, life is mtoo short, yada...yada...yada.. that is what 'they' all say. Well, most of 'them' say that. I say 'them' in half quotations because by 'them', I mean.... the ones that were instantly born with or found the Huge H.
Y'know, Happiness.
No motivation to do life's less complicated things,
No words to speak, mind blank and still.
Hardly any breath to let out, the brain fog-memory loss.
The hopelessness, the fatigue, the deep repression.
This is a tough state, you struggle and don't know why you're suddenly incapable of doing things you want to do, enjoying things you want to enjoy, you feel like you've lost yourself, you don't know what you want anymore, crisis.
Don't want anyone's help, don't want anyone's sympathy, don't want anything. N O T H I N G.
Feeling paralyzed, crippled, but you feel terrible and guilty even trying to compare yourself to the handicapped. How could you do such a thing? That is just simply how you feel that you feel.
Others will gawk at you and give you advice, which mostly makes matters much worse...
When inside, you're subconsciously and slightly consciously aware that you've been fighting this battle for years on end.... since you slipped out of your mothers womb and took your first breath of this polluted air.
You instantly found ways to cope, ways to protect yourself, smiles to hide away the tears, the pain, the numbness,
Hiding the painful pity, dissociation to hide the mind and all the other types of abuse. your learning disability, your inability to focus, to stay on task, to finish a task, to complete, to have drive, to succeed,
The lack of love, lack of attention, of family, of a mother, of a father, of teachers, your lack of support, guidance, your loneliness, your negative self image, your childhood abandonment, the scars, the lies, the promiscuity, the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the confusion, turmoil. So much more, so much baggage, so much past...
                    LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST.... it's just that simple!
Memories and flashbacks flooding your mind leaves you debilitated.
All of those awesome e-mails you receive, the people who want to be a part of your life who you push away and won't let in, the barrier - the wall.
The beauty you were born with, your 5 senses and health, these things do not matter in this deep repression. Nothing matters as nothing is what you confide it, it is your comfort, it is your company.



"This is what you have, you have it all, you're beautiful, you're this, you're that.." so 'they' say, but little do 'they' know.. 'they' will say they have been there before, they will say they understand, but do they really?


Medication will Mask the Mundane.


Oh, it's so unbelievable how much the outer appearance can really show.
The book's front cover.
The stories that lie inside each and every page are so much deeper that what you may perceive by observing the Title (Gina) and the design or picture, the nice face and the nice ****&***.;


Ingested so many supplements, vitamins, herbs, teas, water, exercising consistently and constantly, staying fit, so fresh and so clean, so well kept, being somewhat calm, cool, and collected...when underneath it all was a ball of blues, a mess of stress, a dungeon of self-destruction, a child reaching out, a pretty polite pessimist princess.


Oversleeping, malnourishment, Pre-Menstrual Symptoms, ADHD are the leading cause to my ranting today. Unable to fully explain and go into more depth about what all of the above means, I close my eyes and will try and muster up enough strength to organize and get back to this blog post when I awaken.


Getting a physical check-up along with blood work soon to see if there is an underlying cause to my fatigue lately....


All I can do is.... lay here, mindless, and...
w
a
i
t
.

feather duster
collapse me into an almond cluster
shake me into waves
don't say that jesus saves

pen down on the paper
no lifting, just scripting
words of affirmations,
sudden crossroads and explanations.
hear me out,
can't you listen?
i want to be your glisten.
reflect back onto your heart.

disconnected daydreamer,
party lights and streamers,
blockin' out the screamers,
grasping onto my femur.
i'm really real,
still alive & kickin'
not eatin' chicken
i'm strong as steel.

Where were you when I was growing up?
You were in college getting A's while I was getting D's in science class in the 5th grade.
I remember asking if you wanted to draw with me and you never had the "time"
10 minutes out of your ******* busy day to spend with your CHILD.
yeah, I understand bringing food to the table is important and your brain wasn't fully developed until 25 but, where were you?
I loved that computer. Oh, AOL 5.0, talking to strangers, going into lesbian chats, looking at naked pictures of women.
I appreciated when you paid attention to me when I would wear the same underwear and pants weeks straight.
It was amazing that you noticed I never used to take my Ritalin and that I would hide it under my tongue and then stick it in a mug under my ****** twin bed.
I've had 8 cats during my lifetime?
Do you remember April that cat, that siamese cat, our 5 cats? What was up with having so many **** CATS?
I loved watching nickolodeon and nick at nite. Cat dog all day with 5 kittens in our lovely apartment.
LOVED having your now "husbands" nephew trying to have *** with me when I was like 11 and he was 18.
The moths were fun.....fancied smelling like moth ***** during school!
I loved taking baths only because we had no shower head. Filling up a plastic cup with water to be able to wash my hair was my favorite.
I loved when you threw a hair dryer at me.
Digging your stupid fake nails into my skin, not sure what I did "wrong" then but that was always the best treatment, CHILD.
My favorite was when you helped with my homework.
Loved when you threatened that you would "tie a rope around my neck" and that you hated me.
Loved eating raviolis and getting 2 chicken sandwiches from Mcdonalds. Oh, 4 mini burgers and fries from Whitecastle after going to Marshalls was my favorite.
That guy, that assyrian, iranian guy that owned Carvel and was 20 years older than you...I loved when he used to let me go outside alone the condos when I was 3.
Loved when he'd force me to where overalls and ugly clothes in elementary school.
Being forced to go to an Assyrian church every sunday was the best!

The moonlight shines through my second story window, it's 3am, i'm waking up again
come steel the glass of water from my nightstand,
I just want to see you again, get that glimpse of your silhouette,
hear your breath down my neck again,
switch on a light, turn me on,
help me put out my fires,
got to start accepting these desires.
You can catch me holding onto my bedsheets, waiting for the sun to come up

Microsoft "WURD"
slang font.
i know your type.
you like Arial.
you dig Arial Black cause there's no Arial White.
she wears a size 0.
invisible to the eye.
she's from Georgia.
print her out on white paper.
she'll be prettier than Courier New Times New Roman.
her Impact on Felix Titling will be extravagant.
she'll put him under a spell with her Book Antiqua.
you'll give up on her and take a train through the Terminal towards Tahoma in the "Golden State"
you'll come across Verdana who is a size 12.
bold as you are, you'll ask why she tries to underline her beauty by showing off her colon(:) .
and you ask her why women are always cranky before they get their period (.) ?


[arial, arial black, georgia, courier new, times new roman, impact, felix tilting, book antiqua, terminal, tahoma, verdana=different fonts]

i like to be wise with my beautiful brown eyes
my thick thighs and my voluptuous size
fruit flies sticking to me cause i'm so sweet
i make the beats but dont eat that red meat
sensitive but calm and super duper collected
will get you wrapped around my finger, kid
pinky promises is how i keep it real
drinkin' tall boys, always breakin' the seal
addicted to my flavor, youll be on dis fashionistaquena
part puerto rican, but got money but not enough lend ya
crowds call my name and it keeps on echoin'
famous like the amos cookies, keep my green in a tin
i'm so frickin' visual, ROYGBIV colors make me trip all day
so vib-rant, i spy a red ant and rainbows are the color "gay"
lets collaborate, take your hands & drop all the hate, i just ate...
chips and dip, my lip ring fell out so i put in a paperclip
bobbypin in my hair, my lion locks
i'm like uffie "i pop the glocks"

There are chemicals in my brain
They refrained and rearranged to a place where they flooded and drained
All out, depleted, emptied out my entire past, memories have been deleted
This is such a mess I cannot come to grasp
day to day living is such a blur and full of insecurities
Not knowing where I come from and can't be free within society
Trapped inside a box that's made of glass that will not break
Strength like a diamond, can't even be scratched, and what I perceive seems so fake
This epidemic is becoming a well known fact
No way to explain this state of mind or feeling to the world so all I can do Is simply act
Pretend things are fine and becoming a robot leaving me depersonalized
Technology is a distraction of thoughts waiting for my demise
Stuck in a disguise of happiness it's a disgusting life of lies
Lies of smiles that aren't worth while, so far gone that no tears even come to my brown eyes
Sitting, sleeping, breathing  loneliness, toes curling, sad to my stomach, so sick, my thoughts race and whirl
Dreamland, fear is grand, this isn't an easy fight, so I curl
Into a ball of self pity
Hold my head up high and wait until this darkness turns into light
Wondering if my soul is still even inside of me
Numb as nova-cane

got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along to a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an easy option that gives me struggles

i grew up with no daddy,
he left when i was 3,
random men here and there helpin' out,
barely had a momma,
she was in college and couldn't pay attention to me,
then when i was 11, moved in with an iranian guy
they got married in court and he was pronounced my "step dad"
he was verbally abusive and ocd
didn't give me love, wasn't like a father
and my mother was in her own little world
technically i was parent-less?
i have issues.

woke up next to you, feeling like a ice pop
kissed your vermilion border, gave you my half of the sheets
you whispered in my ear, "no, i want you to be warm"
grabbed your jacket and placed it on my frame
youre so sweet like 2 stevia packets emptied onto a tongue
lemons and oranges couldnt be squeezed as good as your huggies
that one night, in my room, under the blacklight
my jokes were corny but i saw that paperwhite smile glow
along with your hippie acid tripping mushroom posters
remember when we ate out those few times
it made me happy when you enjoyed your food
i liked it when you enjoyed anything
those sparkling eyes your face carried always sunk me in deep
like an anchor approaching the ocean floor on top of hills that are really steep
when you were inside of me, yeah yeah at first it hurt
then it progressed like my grades in junior high
but id like to not see you go now
double negative,i cant not see you anymore
it felt right, you felt left, so you left
just like the leaves depart from december 21st branches
you should be back soon and i'll wait
when you return, could we remake a copy of our last copulation?
in the backseat of your car or mine if i eventually get one
in your bed or even my own
behind the open house party next to that tree
me on top or you on top of me
link your pinky to my pinky and promise that youll stay
just a little longer so we can grow for a bit
so we can be cacoons and become butterflies together
you can be high all the time, in the sky i prefer

you left me shattered
like a battered up baseball
the stitches are frazzled
your eyes glossy and dazzled
you lurked through the blue lagoon
in search of the secret blue light to my heart
i was alive and listening
the harsh pounding of your heartbeat
the pulsating of your veins in the brisk
the sea was yelling and the sky was smoking hot
we waited for them to intertwine
and got ****** into the catastrophe
the betrayal of our open wounds and founding fathers
can we sink beneath the deep sea, just you and me?

What a December in this state
I'm spending my days in and nights in with socks full of ice
Nose like Rudolph the reindeer
The opposite Of poor
their brand new Veneers
Everyones Caroling along to those Christmas songs
While I'm baking my food for the next day that feels like ages long
Sittin' on the subway
The wheels are going/gliding/flying fast
Hearing myself inside
Asking, "why must we be mute? And hide?"
We're all human beings with hair, nails, and breathing
will they tell me where theyre from,?
Will that make them run?
This life of secrets isn't so fun
Were all really one
But stuck in a black plum

born into a nature land full of catastrophes.
age addition every 365 days, eventually turned 8 years old.
hyperactivity and impulsivity crawled out like a tiger.
classroom confusion, youngins yelling for calling out.
lack of raising carpal bones equaled receiving the "detention disease".
homework not finished, studying not finished.
grades diminished, brain thought to be different.

I want to write but I can't
I have millions of Soliloquies  
if I could tape record my mind
id play it in a tape deck to a crowd out loud and finally my feelings and thoughts would be crystal clear
Suffering to explain, to have them understand
I'm not even sure sometimes what I'm
Going through because I forget
Past days affect my current days, my current self, my struggling self
Acceptance comes easy for different things
Pain comes the easiest apparently because why am I still in pain?
It has to come from somewhere

I always felt strange
Not mentally deranged
Just tangled up in pain
Games of the jealousy
Down low with no esteem
Maybe I'm just different than the rest
But we're all different
I'm sick of this place
It's not for me


Everybody's driving
Everybody's in their car
Next to me going fast on a route
A route to who knows what
Where is everyone going?
This never ending race

p to the a to the p to the e.
r,c, to the l,i,p.
paperclips, lets do the nasty. just kidding.
oh, staples you gave me a container of colorful paperclips.
1,000 and 100% guaranteed.
grassy green, ocean blue, pretty in pink, **** yellow, white noise, period red.
you hold my papers together through any bad weather.
you bend in shapes and ways that no other kind of clip can.
hair clips, banana clips, hair flips, cool whip can't do what you do.
you were born in china before you ended up in staples and eloped with that plastic bag to my room.
oh how you stay connected to my papers like elmer's glue.
oh how you always stay true.
you're not as big as mr.giant clip in norway but you still do to trick.
together forever, you make my papers stay stacked thick.
your loopy body, your metal composition, i can make you twist in any position.
sometimes you're as fake as plastic but that's why i always got metal by my side.
you're thin and can be unfolded with little- little force.
paperclips, you'll always be in my heart and in my room, of course.

Stuck in my thoughts
It feels like forever
When I try too hard,
I don't get anywhere
I want to feel more connected toyou
But my connector to me is frayed
If my mind and my body become one again
Our love would be out of this universe
Bigger then all the hearts around us combined
Intense
Tired but I can't rest
Restless and
Stuck in my own mind
Losing /lost awareness
My surroundings make me clueless
What's around me
I don't know this
Smell the fresh air
Breathing careless
My thoughts are talking
Can't override them
I try to focus on myself but I can't
I know I say I can't but if I say I can, nothing happens
Negativity I wish it would jus disappear
It's hard work
It's a struggle
Got to fight through to produce these tears
All I say is how I want to feel again
How I want this how I want to be that how I want to do that so badly
But I'm stuck
In this never ending circle
The circle is a cycle
The circle has no opening and it feels like it's going to be forever
I say I know it's forever
It feels that way
I'm always feeling
But not really feeling
We're in this together
To be here for eachother
When we ache inside
When were lost from feeling alive
I don't want pity
I don't want you to give me anything
But love
Real tight hugs, caring words
Love is what I need
It's rough to get a cold brick wall feeling from you
I know you're under a lot you have a lot of weight on your bones
But It still sends tight vibrations down my spine
I can't see straight I can't hear words when I'm fed with fear
I hear the music but I don't feel it in my chest
I hear the lovely words in key
But I am so numb
It breaks my heart it's tears my heart apart to be so far
So far away from me
How is everyone such smiles?
And I'm just down with eyes full of salty waterfalls and my nose needing a tissue box/Kleenex
Please put your hand on my shoulder and rub it
Squeeze me shake me I want to feel you
Ground me
I don't need anyone to save me
I don't want to live anymore
In this detached world
I was fine before this struck
This CRAP IS SO horrible, ****

Wrote this a while ago

As I'm here lying wide awake under soft light sheets
Thoughts of you keep me from peacefully falling into a slumber trance
Relaxing myself just to ease the pain and far gone memories
Aching bones, weakened heart, soggy brown eyes, butterflies stomach
Worry I may lay here with thoughts of you until sunrise
Missing the closeness, lost without it
No breaking this sorrow secret
As I let my eyes shut, pictures of you and I reveal themselves
So intimidate so wonderful
Yet painful, not subtle
Just wished you knew how much you meant to me, how many days i hear your name inside my mind
And long for another beginning
Full Of loud laughter and joy, Care and sharing our dreams, Whispers and trust
New Friendship between a close knit old wounded past
You and I
No strings attached, just a hello and short goodbye
Catch up and casual chat
We're missing out on each other
I'm missing you

the same things
the same poem themes
the same old smelly garbage
the same days that go by
the same mornings
the same feelings
the same complaining
the same worry
the same hopelessness
the same
the same me

went to the bar that night, had a few shots, stumbled back to his place.
i ended up giving him a BJ. a ****** jaw. he tried to kiss me.
all i wanted were some cheetos or even fritos.
from what i remember, he said he had a variety of chips and dip.
i didnt think he wanted to attack my lip with his lip.

It's amazing how the brain functions and works, a traumatic experience in your life especially as a child can be regressed for such a long period of time then later revealed in adulthood and then the overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion, the "why me?", the guilt, the personal neglect, the shield, but then understanding yourself more... When you've struggled to find yourself and always felt so lost, so distant, so disconnected and so different and it starts to come clear to you and god starts to show you the past memories and what you've experienced. The visions you see, the first step of the healing process, being a victim of ******, physical, emotional, mental abuse

it was a day like no other
the mountains stood low
the trails were shortened
water droplets on the grass
smoke in the car
lost my breath,
catched it,
collapsed.

oh, that ice cold can or bottle of that yellow, fizzy, in a disguise addiction.
behind the refreshing taste, lies some secret affliction.
each gulp that slithers down a throat and flows through the blood,
makes your mind jumbled up and makes emotions in your brain start to flood.
oh, that craving feeling for another twelve ounces of ****,
opening up the fridge, no more left, goes out and about for a random kiss.

Jack
When I was walking down the road, I spotted a fly.
His name was Jack and could be seen by only my eye.
From far away, Jacks wings’ flew him east.
Lack of food, he was search of a feast.
Bees, spiders, ants, and insects galore,
gathered around poor jack and his sign "food for the poor."
Ants collected crumbs from the littered Doritos bag,
they were given to jack to diminish his lag.
The bees snuck in their hives and made Jack some honey,
while waiting patiently, a red ant laughed and Jack asked "what’s so funny?!"
Jack flipped up his left wing and wiped tears from his eyes,
when suddenly he realized it was his brother in disguise!
The spiders and Jacks brother began to dance.
Jack never danced before but gave it a chance.
He did the Charlie Brown and Cotton Eye Joe.
He did the Electric Slide and got down low.
Poor ol' Jack ended up with a leg cramp.
When suddenly he saw a bright light from a lamp!
Jacks eyes opened wide and was attracted at first sight,
toward the light Jack went with all of his might!
Closer, warmer, and brighter the light appeared,
Jacks body temperature started to change and he felt a bit weird.
Inches away, he felt the need to touch the light,
Zap, zap, zap! It scorched Jack without need for a fight!
This is a sad tale about Jack, the fly,
but this sad tale is only seen by my eye.

miles into the sky, white and bright
appearing yellow, ginormous and hard to sight
amazing star, a king in my eyes
night, it sets, the morning, arise
elements it consists from the periodic table
makes me wonder how it is this able,
to help the green and **** sapiens stay awake
all the energy from it's power, we intake
this G2V star is too great,
the SunGod i call it, it is my fate

This world is so messed up
We're all working double shifts just to get some pay
To eat hay and there's none of those off days to sleep in all day
The exhaustion is unfair, unhealthy, and no one cares
The selfish, they work hard for their bucks
While the poor, they get money for giving their precious bodies for *****
It's so ****** up how the world spins and does its thing
The people in it they laugh, they don't cry, most don't even sing
I'm following, obeying
Not straying through that red light
Id like to give the sun a kiss
Cause
I've got thoughts of you, the thoughts of you, they are bliss
So **** full of bliss
Take me to the sun

I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
im crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
You can't, you can't find me
While stirring up your coffee cup and milking your bones
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You can't spot me from the top of a tree
When I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm nowhere to be found
but in my head

woke up next to you, feeling like a ice pop
softly bit your vermilion border, gave you my half of the sheets
you whispered in my ear, "no, i want you to be warm"
grabbed your linen coat and placed it on my medium frame
youre so sweet like 2 stevia packets emptied onto a naked tongue
lemons and oranges couldnt be squeezed as good as your hugs
that one night, in my room, under the blacklight
my jokes were corny but i saw that paperwhite smile glow
along with your hippie acid tripping mushroom posters
remember when we ate out those few times
it made me happy when you enjoyed your food
i liked it when you enjoyed anything
those sparkling eyes your face carried always sunk me in deep
like an anchor approaching the ocean floor on top of hills that are really steep
when you were inside of me, yeah yeah at first it hurt
then it progressed like my grades in junior high
but id like to not see you go now
double negative,i cant not see you anymore
it felt right, you felt left, so you left
just like the leaves depart from december 21st branches
you should be back soon and i'll wait
when you return, could we remake a copy of our last copulation?
in the backseat of your car or mine if i eventually get one
in your bed or even my own
behind the open house party next to that tree
me on top or you on top of me
link your pinky to my pinky and promise that youll stay
just a little longer so we can grow for a bit
so we can be cacoons and become butterflies together
you can be high all the time, in the sky i prefer

All these missed opportunities to work at the coolest places,
All these missed chances to hang out with the nicest faces,
All these redundant choppy negative records playing in my head spaces,
Because of my letdowns,
I'm always stuck in between two places,
To stay or To go, to say yes or to say no, to hide or to show,
Which place to go?

I'm going to have to be the one
No one else can save me,
not one human on the earth has the time to constantly be along someone's suffering side
So it'll be me, to do the duty on myself, to get through this never ending battle
& I'll be stronger at the end of it
But it's just so hard to do it alone while feeling so alone,
it even hurts to know that there are not many people who consistently reach out enough to grab  me,
to lift me up and get me going
I'll have to be the one
I'm me, no one else can do it for me,
independency
But when you've spiraled down into such a deep dark place and you try to get out,
every inch doesn't feel that much closer to the light
I fall back in the mud again
Just to fail once more
To be a failure again
To repeat the cycle again
To never get out
To be stuck
Stuck in the mud that I fell in
Thank god it's not quick sand
If it was, I'd never get out
That's how I know there's hope
There's gotta be
Nothing lasts forever
Besides life
Life is infinite
Infinity is what?
People keep on smiling and thats great,
no jealousy,  just envy for their days that keep on  going, their routines and lives that are naturally just flowing, while I space out & sit in silence and wait to disappear in a sphere that's not crystal clear
My bones ache and for gods sake,
I try my hardest to appreciate
That I'm alive today
Even though my days are grey
Getting out of bed never felt so hard
It's like I've lost all my strength &
the power of my body and mind
I'm lost, but no ones there to find me,
I'll be here to find me, there's a little hope inside of me
Reading is such a chore,
since i lose track of everything,
feeling like a bore
No energy to take care of me,
well this is how it'll have to be,
but hopefully.. this is just temporary.

i turned my head in the east direction,
saw sinking seagulls and your pale complexion
took the spoon out of your pocket and dipped it in the sea,
the salty water tastes like you & me ...
when we make love,
when we make love.

Suddenly stranded,
I’m at the bottom of this pit of mush.
Full of angst,
Delusions.
Crawlies & wet dirt up to my chin,
Suffocating,
Anatomical heart thumping fast
Beating like a drum.
Despair,
Stretching out my arm,
Aiming it towards the bright light,
Barking for it to take a grasp of my hand and **** me in tight.
Shutting my eyes,
Seeing black,
Wanting to be black,
Disappearing into ashes.
Emptiness and motionless harmony,
Suddenly speaking.

2012

My life feels so dull. So empty I feel disconnected from myself, like I've forgotten what it feels like to have happy moments or to really feel sadness or even to truly laugh. My mind is always blank and i am always staring into space unable to do the simplest things. I cannot connect with others around me, I feel as if I am robotic and the bonds and people I once knew are so far away and I no longer have those memories or know these people. I see reality as just a n imaginary world. Fake world, everything is just fake, objects are objects. There are no meanings to the solid matter around me, at least I don't understand it, all the pictures in front of me are surreal and I go through time and everything is fragmented, minutes, hours, days, &months; are lost in the blink of an eye,& I constantly think, well where was I? I go through the motions of life and I have no control. I walk, I talk. I talk and the words are not mine, I feel there is a space between me and the voice that comes out of my mind. There is no real thought process, everything is blurry, like being ******. I wake up to look in the mirror and only be startled with questions like, who is she? Is that really me? I then talk to myself in the mirror sometimes, I talk to myself here and there just to see what it feels like. Just to try and connect to myself again, just to be personalized again and to fit inside my own skin. I have no motivation because of the numbness, fatigue, andfogginess.

It's my  birthday, got balloons in my hand. No paper weight will hold me down.
I'll be blowing out my candles at 11:11, making stronger wishes to be free like the fishes.
Gifts galore but nothing means more than the bottle from the liquor store
and 21 will never bring me down.

got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an option that gives me struggles
Just to too tired for it all

This is what life is, we don't really know where we're going to go or where we're even going. It's an every second exploration and observation of the time that passes us by. This is what it is to live. We take part in making choices for ourselves which sometimes affect those around us. We have energy that the earth emits and energy, we emit. Movement. Our brains are like pieces of granola in a big bag, not one piece is exactly the same. So we watch life, take part in it, to try and form into a "person", we make this game of living worth our while but some of us, wonder, what is our purpose? How did we end up here? How did the earth form itself and progress into such a technologic, crime-infested, polluted, whirly world? Non-utopia. This place can be such a wreck, everything can be seen differently throughout each of our pair of eyes, or we may just have one eye, or colorblind eyes. Perceptions. I don't really pay attention or even look at every part of my body and study it. It's simply amazing to me how intricate each ***** and our entire body is and how our body is such a team, everything works together and if something goes wrong, we have our blood cells and other things that back it all up. It's incredible but, do we ever really wonder how we were even made? What the real roots are, not just our mothers and fathers, but way back when? We read the history books in school, when you first step foot into middle school, you take courses, you learn global history and social studies. You take a look at the A.C. eras and B.C. eras.

See me as a Poetry lyricist in this present moment
In my past, I swam across the bathtub water
Little innocence, had a little soap sponge and spilled milk
Reminiscing of the pushes and shoves
The yelling and frozen fingertips left without warm gloves
If I was that princess, I couldn't have a soul
I wouldn't have a soul
I would be without a soul living in a false hole
With false hopes
wine bottles just to cope
Run to the safe ground, play ground
Energies, smiles for miles, dances

Can a natural non-suffering & non-painful experience take me by surprise?
So I have no eyes to see...
No lungs to breathe..
No one to be..
I am scared of death you see...
but there is no place..here for me.

beige and brown cargo pants over her freshly shaven legs
breakfast for the morning, burnt toast and scrambled eggs
took a walk downtown, enjoyed the scene
trees shaking from the wind, sea is acting mean
left foot, right foot, the coffee shop she goes
blue eyes, pale skin appear behind the soft, white flakes of snow
frozen movements of lips, heart beats racing on the track
wanting to scream like you just stepped on a tac
imprints of feet leaning in the opposite direction
passing each other by remembering their special affection
drops a tear from her left eye then her right
tries to cover it up, holds her hands over her face tight
him and her, mac and cheese, has been finished
supercalifragilisticexpiala..diminished.

The air smells good
I'm getting misted on from my window
It's goodmornings like these that I truly enjoy
That I am so grateful for
The drops are falling so loudly onto the blacktops and power lines
Down the trunks of trees and windows
Serenity




Unfinished poem.

Is that really what you see?
My eyes see red, but that's just me.
Old man over there, please tell me what you see.
"I see nothing, mam, that is all that I can see."
Santa Claus, what do you see?
I spy a good girl and a Christmas tree.
Oh, new born baby, what can you see?
Or can you not understand the language of thee?
Drunken ***, take a step forward, try to see what I see.
It is blurry for you but crystal clear for me.
20/40 vision pupils, put on your glasses and please look over there.
Is that a giant bowl of cocoa puffs or a brown grizzly bear?
Do you see what I see or nothing at all?
Is it summertime for you or winter or fall?
Perceptions, perceptions, my eyes are my guide.
They can even see different creatures when they go under covers at night and hide.

And i don't know,
when push comes to shove,
where i will go?
i'm always wondering,
continuously pondering,
rapidly searching,
non-stop trying,
to keep on going,
knowing,
growing,
pushing myself,
to keep shoving,
until i get to that point,
where i will be known..
knowledge can manifest in my life

there was that one day
i spotted you in the distance
my eyes were like feet in quick sand
they were quickly sinking into your soul
feeling your warmth
like a chilly autumn day when the wind is blowing but the sun is shining down on your face
something was missing
it needed to be filled in.. like that one blank spot in your "winny the pooh" coloring book
i needed someone who could maybe complete me
i needed someone who could maybe help my heart that looked like swiss cheese that was dipped in a smoker's lung
DARK. BLACK.. and EMPTY.

He said "don't shut your eyes, don't close your mouth, don't hold your nose, this is what life is all about"
Start waking before sunrise, count your blessings, enjoy your favorite salad dressings
Count the sheep before you sleep,
Repeat positivity before you weep,
Make decisions with no regrets,
Chose choice C on every test,
Don't hold your nose, don't close your mouth, don't shut your eyes,
I was told once, I was told three times, "keep your head up, don't stop trying".