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Dec 2018 · 219
The Rock
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2018
Thank you Jesus for bringing my Uncle Paul back safely.

The rock
I hated the rock in the beginning
It stressed me out
I didn't know how to park without runni ng it over
I got stuck on it once with the car
I always thought I'd do it again and again after that bad experience
I had no choice but to **** it up and park in the parking spot with the rock there.
So after 3 yrs I got used to parking with it there, not every time was easy and I was often criticized by my landlord on my parking but I was determined and had no other option.
So over time it got easier and I rarely ever freak out over the "stupid" rock.
Now it's just what I live with day to day.
I can apply to rock to my negative thoughts here.
I realized I was less alone and crazy when I initially had to park with the rock I thought it was so silly and inconvenient and thought I was being a baby about it.
My uncle came and had to park in my spot last night and he himself hit the rock. It was new to him, he also got angry about it. Similar response to my first time,
he took it out on the rock and moved it out of the ground with his stregnth and put it back after. To show the rock whats what.
To move it and let it go back and move on.
This really taught me a lesson today.
In my own trauma and negative thinking, I got used to the rock and stopped feeling I couldn't learn how to park with the obstacle, it helped me attach this experience to my own thinking. That maybemovertime my panic and negative thinking, I can get used to and not worry about them as much, slowly hear them in my head and not follow them as often or believe Its not possible.
I thank paul and God for showing me this

This morning paul is moving the rock again/the obstacle, he doesnt want to pull out with the car in risks of it
He has such guts
He asked "what are you so afraid of? You're like your mother"
He taught me we dont have to chose to struggle
Even though he lives his life in complete hardships
Dec 2018 · 134
Glue
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2018
Oh Heavenly Father
hold me and my earthly life together like glue.
The papers that got lost in the wind, came back to you and were white, not blank pages bc you filled them with your words
Holy, Holy
Light
I want to listen to the creator, He brought me on to this earth.
Dec 2018 · 120
Untitled
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2018
If God can create rain, or lightening, how is that not a miracle?
Or a mind blowing concept at the least?
Just because we see it often doesnt mean it's not incredibly different and awesome.
And just as powerful as a biblical story.
Imagine if you saw rain for the first time.
People back then saw miracles for the first time, or they saw Gods powers like turning Lots wife into a pillar of salt.
No matter how ridiculous it sounds,
God can do anything.
If he created the universe, what makes us second guess the stories in the bible?
Anything is possible with Him.
We are always trying to figure things out on our own.
If God answered prayers right away all the time, he would have no teachings for us, no purpose for us, we would know it all before hand. He has plans, structure, and we learn a lot of this in His word. We learn more about Him.
Dec 2018 · 162
The Master Artist
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2018
With all the doubts,
I realize
Unselfishlessly
How God is a Creator,
The Creator
How I am a creator, thanks to Him,
How if I care about each creation that I work on, to make it as perfect and good quality as I can get it to be,
What makes me think God doesnt care about all of His creation?
To form it into the best he can!
To appreciate and love his creation fully always and give Him the credit.
Aug 2013 · 930
Untitled
Ginamarie Engels Aug 2013
the same things
the same poem themes
the same old smelly garbage
the same days that go by
the same mornings
the same feelings
the same complaining
the same worry
the same hopelessness
the same
the same me
Aug 2013 · 599
dark days
Ginamarie Engels Aug 2013
Can a natural non-suffering & non-painful experience take me by surprise?
So I have no eyes to see...
No lungs to breathe..
No one to be..
I am scared of death you see...
but there is no place..here for me.
Aug 2013 · 590
i don't know
Ginamarie Engels Aug 2013
And i don't know,
when push comes to shove,
where i will go?
i'm always wondering,
continuously pondering,
rapidly searching,
non-stop trying,
to keep on going,
knowing,
growing,
pushing myself,
to keep shoving,
until i get to that point,
where i will be known..
knowledge can manifest in my life
Jun 2013 · 711
Sucked in, hope lost
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2013
got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an option that gives me struggles
Just to too tired for it all
Jun 2013 · 755
Dull living
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2013
2012

My life feels so dull. So empty I feel disconnected from myself, like I've forgotten what it feels like to have happy moments or to really feel sadness or even to truly laugh. My mind is always blank and i am always staring into space unable to do the simplest things. I cannot connect with others around me, I feel as if I am robotic and the bonds and people I once knew are so far away and I no longer have those memories or know these people. I see reality as just a n imaginary world. Fake world, everything is just fake, objects are objects. There are no meanings to the solid matter around me, at least I don't understand it, all the pictures in front of me are surreal and I go through time and everything is fragmented, minutes, hours, days, &months; are lost in the blink of an eye,& I constantly think, well where was I? I go through the motions of life and I have no control. I walk, I talk. I talk and the words are not mine, I feel there is a space between me and the voice that comes out of my mind. There is no real thought process, everything is blurry, like being ******. I wake up to look in the mirror and only be startled with questions like, who is she? Is that really me? I then talk to myself in the mirror sometimes, I talk to myself here and there just to see what it feels like. Just to try and connect to myself again, just to be personalized again and to fit inside my own skin. I have no motivation because of the numbness, fatigue, andfogginess.
Jun 2013 · 1.1k
Childhood scars
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2013
I want to write but I can't
I have millions of Soliloquies  
if I could tape record my mind
id play it in a tape deck to a crowd out loud and finally my feelings and thoughts would be crystal clear
Suffering to explain, to have them understand
I'm not even sure sometimes what I'm
Going through because I forget
Past days affect my current days, my current self, my struggling self
Acceptance comes easy for different things
Pain comes the easiest apparently because why am I still in pain?
It has to come from somewhere
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2013
All these missed opportunities to work at the coolest places,
All these missed chances to hang out with the nicest faces,
All these redundant choppy negative records playing in my head spaces,
Because of my letdowns,
I'm always stuck in between two places,
To stay or To go, to say yes or to say no, to hide or to show,
Which place to go?
Ginamarie Engels May 2013
I'm going to have to be the one
No one else can save me,
not one human on the earth has the time to constantly be along someone's suffering side
So it'll be me, to do the duty on myself, to get through this never ending battle
& I'll be stronger at the end of it
But it's just so hard to do it alone while feeling so alone,
it even hurts to know that there are not many people who consistently reach out enough to grab  me,
to lift me up and get me going
I'll have to be the one
I'm me, no one else can do it for me,
independency
But when you've spiraled down into such a deep dark place and you try to get out,
every inch doesn't feel that much closer to the light
I fall back in the mud again
Just to fail once more
To be a failure again
To repeat the cycle again
To never get out
To be stuck
Stuck in the mud that I fell in
Thank god it's not quick sand
If it was, I'd never get out
That's how I know there's hope
There's gotta be
Nothing lasts forever
Besides life
Life is infinite
Infinity is what?
People keep on smiling and thats great,
no jealousy,  just envy for their days that keep on  going, their routines and lives that are naturally just flowing, while I space out & sit in silence and wait to disappear in a sphere that's not crystal clear
My bones ache and for gods sake,
I try my hardest to appreciate
That I'm alive today
Even though my days are grey
Getting out of bed never felt so hard
It's like I've lost all my strength &
the power of my body and mind
I'm lost, but no ones there to find me,
I'll be here to find me, there's a little hope inside of me
Reading is such a chore,
since i lose track of everything,
feeling like a bore
No energy to take care of me,
well this is how it'll have to be,
but hopefully.. this is just temporary.
May 2013 · 614
Days like these
Ginamarie Engels May 2013
The air smells good
I'm getting misted on from my window
It's goodmornings like these that I truly enjoy
That I am so grateful for
The drops are falling so loudly onto the blacktops and power lines
Down the trunks of trees and windows
Serenity




Unfinished poem.
May 2013 · 941
Missing you
Ginamarie Engels May 2013
Wrote this a while ago

As I'm here lying wide awake under soft light sheets
Thoughts of you keep me from peacefully falling into a slumber trance
Relaxing myself just to ease the pain and far gone memories
Aching bones, weakened heart, soggy brown eyes, butterflies stomach
Worry I may lay here with thoughts of you until sunrise
Missing the closeness, lost without it
No breaking this sorrow secret
As I let my eyes shut, pictures of you and I reveal themselves
So intimidate so wonderful
Yet painful, not subtle
Just wished you knew how much you meant to me, how many days i hear your name inside my mind
And long for another beginning
Full Of loud laughter and joy, Care and sharing our dreams, Whispers and trust
New Friendship between a close knit old wounded past
You and I
No strings attached, just a hello and short goodbye
Catch up and casual chat
We're missing out on each other
I'm missing you
May 2013 · 340
Dreaming
Ginamarie Engels May 2013
I dream to be aware of my surroundings
To notice it all crystal clear
perceive the world around me to be blissful and near without added fear
What its like to really feel an objects existence
To understand the meaning of existence itself
Need someone to bring me back to my core
I'm lost, my mind is sore and the life I'm in is such a bore
Mar 2013 · 1.0k
The mess inside
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Stuck in my thoughts
It feels like forever
When I try too hard,
I don't get anywhere
I want to feel more connected toyou
But my connector to me is frayed
If my mind and my body become one again
Our love would be out of this universe
Bigger then all the hearts around us combined
Intense
Tired but I can't rest
Restless and
Stuck in my own mind
Losing /lost awareness
My surroundings make me clueless
What's around me
I don't know this
Smell the fresh air
Breathing careless
My thoughts are talking
Can't override them
I try to focus on myself but I can't
I know I say I can't but if I say I can, nothing happens
Negativity I wish it would jus disappear
It's hard work
It's a struggle
Got to fight through to produce these tears
All I say is how I want to feel again
How I want this how I want to be that how I want to do that so badly
But I'm stuck
In this never ending circle
The circle is a cycle
The circle has no opening and it feels like it's going to be forever
I say I know it's forever
It feels that way
I'm always feeling
But not really feeling
We're in this together
To be here for eachother
When we ache inside
When were lost from feeling alive
I don't want pity
I don't want you to give me anything
But love
Real tight hugs, caring words
Love is what I need
It's rough to get a cold brick wall feeling from you
I know you're under a lot you have a lot of weight on your bones
But It still sends tight vibrations down my spine
I can't see straight I can't hear words when I'm fed with fear
I hear the music but I don't feel it in my chest
I hear the lovely words in key
But I am so numb
It breaks my heart it's tears my heart apart to be so far
So far away from me
How is everyone such smiles?
And I'm just down with eyes full of salty waterfalls and my nose needing a tissue box/Kleenex
Please put your hand on my shoulder and rub it
Squeeze me shake me I want to feel you
Ground me
I don't need anyone to save me
I don't want to live anymore
In this detached world
I was fine before this struck
This CRAP IS SO horrible, ****
Mar 2013 · 852
Natural Coping
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
It's amazing how the brain functions and works, a traumatic experience in your life especially as a child can be regressed for such a long period of time then later revealed in adulthood and then the overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion, the "why me?", the guilt, the personal neglect, the shield, but then understanding yourself more... When you've struggled to find yourself and always felt so lost, so distant, so disconnected and so different and it starts to come clear to you and god starts to show you the past memories and what you've experienced. The visions you see, the first step of the healing process, being a victim of ******, physical, emotional, mental abuse
Mar 2013 · 565
Gone
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Took out a pencil to erase my past
Pressure down on the paper while you're sitting in the chair
There's candle wax all over the tables
From candlelit canvases. You blew the flame out
Grey clouds and bags of flour mixed together, we go sour, we went sour
I kissed the mirror with my lipstick
I saw the hand watch tick away, away
And the time to play
means that you can't stay
before the day turns into
melted sun rays
Mar 2013 · 515
Solid as Ice
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
It's Friday night, summertime, and what am I doing?
Sitting on my ****, in my second story apartment, in silence, staring at my dead tv, doing absolutely nothing, frozen lips, frozen mind, frozen body.
I try so hard to melt this ice bubble around me,
it's controlling my entire self.
I want to break the ice.
Mar 2013 · 522
Singing Crows
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Throwing rocks at the water
And I said to myself
I'm not ready to go
I'm not ready to go
Well there's someone knocking at my door now
Whispering sweet melodies and telling me that there's a fire burning in the trees
But I tell them I can't make it through there
I just can't get through there
I wouldn't make It through
Stronger than a steel cup sitting on the stove
with the gas in the air
Through the branches
The Ceiling crackles
its tougher than your skin
You're ages away
Time can only show
Where our souls will flow
of tomorrow
And today's ugly snow
The days will travel alone
And meet us by the power line where there will be singing crows
and it's white like your clothes
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
Crawling
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
im crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
I'm crawling I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm crawling on top of the ground try to catch me cause I'm nowhere to be found
You can't, you can't find me
While stirring up your coffee cup and milking your bones
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You're shaking your teeth
while your nose hits the floor
And I don't want to smell the roses anymore
You can't spot me from the top of a tree
When I'm crawling underneath the sky
I'm nowhere to be found
but in my head
Mar 2013 · 505
Why are we here?
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
Are you here for the same reasons?
What do we have in common? I bet there are a few things.
We are alike
Similarities strike again
The End of our roads will be the same
Our first breath to our last
I'm so beat up, my eyes are heavy, they're wearing out to the movement of pedestrians
I want to scream, oh this fatigue my bones feel weak, my neck starts to creak
I want out, wanna find my place
I wanna go out wanna go places
Wanna see the world
Ginamarie Engels Mar 2013
There are chemicals in my brain
They refrained and rearranged to a place where they flooded and drained
All out, depleted, emptied out my entire past, memories have been deleted
This is such a mess I cannot come to grasp
day to day living is such a blur and full of insecurities
Not knowing where I come from and can't be free within society
Trapped inside a box that's made of glass that will not break
Strength like a diamond, can't even be scratched, and what I perceive seems so fake
This epidemic is becoming a well known fact
No way to explain this state of mind or feeling to the world so all I can do Is simply act
Pretend things are fine and becoming a robot leaving me depersonalized
Technology is a distraction of thoughts waiting for my demise
Stuck in a disguise of happiness it's a disgusting life of lies
Lies of smiles that aren't worth while, so far gone that no tears even come to my brown eyes
Sitting, sleeping, breathing  loneliness, toes curling, sad to my stomach, so sick, my thoughts race and whirl
Dreamland, fear is grand, this isn't an easy fight, so I curl
Into a ball of self pity
Hold my head up high and wait until this darkness turns into light
Wondering if my soul is still even inside of me
Numb as nova-cane
Feb 2013 · 409
Purposes
Ginamarie Engels Feb 2013
the city shines while we connect our minds
talk to ourselves in mirrors
asking why do we die?
the alarms will always ring
to keep the misery at bay
the roses thorns will fall
when the gravity stops us all
Feb 2013 · 1.0k
strange, not deranged
Ginamarie Engels Feb 2013
I always felt strange
Not mentally deranged
Just tangled up in pain
Games of the jealousy
Down low with no esteem
Maybe I'm just different than the rest
But we're all different
I'm sick of this place
It's not for me


Everybody's driving
Everybody's in their car
Next to me going fast on a route
A route to who knows what
Where is everyone going?
This never ending race
Feb 2013 · 1.3k
Loser loner
Ginamarie Engels Feb 2013
got a guitar hanging on my wall
Want to learn, teach myself
Express and raise my voice along to a melody
But I just sit around and let my heart burn
And get wired up inside to get tired out
Let my heart ache all day then it gets too late
Back to bed again, and alls I feel is intense hate
For myself, for no good reasons
My mind, starts to tell, stories that aren't true
stories about me that I'm worthless
That I can't do the things I know I want to do
My secret passions that hide so deeply
Inside of me, somewhere, hard to find because of my mixed up mind
But I'm free, and i am controlling all of me
Self love is such a vital tool to this existence
I won't, I can't let my thoughts determine who I truly really am
Giving up is such an easy option that gives me struggles
Jan 2013 · 409
Open
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
Smiles for miles, but the others, yeah, they don't want to see my teeth.
Eyes open wide, there was a surprise, the other's don't want to see my speak.
Keep hiding behind the curtain,
kick my boots through the window,
find me sitting by the river,
where the water never stops moving,
I want to get moving.
Opening up this silence,
pushing through the fake frowns,
"Would you like to hear my sound?".
Jan 2013 · 592
listen to the man
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
He said "don't shut your eyes, don't close your mouth, don't hold your nose, this is what life is all about"
Start waking before sunrise, count your blessings, enjoy your favorite salad dressings
Count the sheep before you sleep,
Repeat positivity before you weep,
Make decisions with no regrets,
Chose choice C on every test,
Don't hold your nose, don't close your mouth, don't shut your eyes,
I was told once, I was told three times, "keep your head up, don't stop trying".
Jan 2013 · 738
twenty one
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
It's my  birthday, got balloons in my hand. No paper weight will hold me down.
I'll be blowing out my candles at 11:11, making stronger wishes to be free like the fishes.
Gifts galore but nothing means more than the bottle from the liquor store
and 21 will never bring me down.
Jan 2013 · 3.1k
Depersonalization
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
The flowers will bloom, when will this child inside me bloom?
The vines have thorns.
Will these thorns keep pricking me?
I can't even really feel them.
Will I heal?
This deflated heart is waiting to be pumped with your love for all the right reasons.
This ain't no treason.
The emptiness in between the walls.
Spaces between my teeth.
Can I just feel again?
Make me feel again.
Jan 2013 · 1.4k
Waiting
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
The moonlight shines through my second story window, it's 3am, i'm waking up again
come steel the glass of water from my nightstand,
I just want to see you again, get that glimpse of your silhouette,
hear your breath down my neck again,
switch on a light, turn me on,
help me put out my fires,
got to start accepting these desires.
You can catch me holding onto my bedsheets, waiting for the sun to come up
Jan 2013 · 451
Bridge
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
A butterfly once landed on my shirt,
lifted my spirit,
kept on with my day,
still felt down in the dirt.
walked to the hudson before dusk to see the christmas lights hanging onto the bridge.
Jan 2013 · 2.1k
may 23, 2012
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
I want to be a daily dragon soaring in the sky, but i'm just a night owl hiding in the trees.


(wrote this when i barely ate and was in bed all day.mood has changed since i ate and got out of bed for a little while.)


I like my eggs to have a scramble and this just may be another rambunctious ramble but I need to have a shout out to the big D, my deep repression, also known as Depression.
Strictly glued to my bed, lying here with the sheets perched upon my chest, head propped up against two flaccid pillows, full bladder, the pressure, need to release but can't bring myself in an upward position. Munching on my homemade granola&pretzel; trail-mix, having absolutely no desire, nor energy to feed my insides, to bring fresh water to touch my lips, to nourish my body, mind, and spirit.
Staring at my furry feline, his eyes closed, tummy up in full view for a rubbing, four legs extended in every direction, so-so innocent.
Life is just too **** awfully precious to be drowning in this dark, deep, and dull dirt hole, right? Do you agree? Don't agree because I drastically disagree and don't have the energy to beg to differ.
Life is too good, life is mtoo short, yada...yada...yada.. that is what 'they' all say. Well, most of 'them' say that. I say 'them' in half quotations because by 'them', I mean.... the ones that were instantly born with or found the Huge H.
Y'know, Happiness.
No motivation to do life's less complicated things,
No words to speak, mind blank and still.
Hardly any breath to let out, the brain fog-memory loss.
The hopelessness, the fatigue, the deep repression.
This is a tough state, you struggle and don't know why you're suddenly incapable of doing things you want to do, enjoying things you want to enjoy, you feel like you've lost yourself, you don't know what you want anymore, crisis.
Don't want anyone's help, don't want anyone's sympathy, don't want anything. N O T H I N G.
Feeling paralyzed, crippled, but you feel terrible and guilty even trying to compare yourself to the handicapped. How could you do such a thing? That is just simply how you feel that you feel.
Others will gawk at you and give you advice, which mostly makes matters much worse...
When inside, you're subconsciously and slightly consciously aware that you've been fighting this battle for years on end.... since you slipped out of your mothers womb and took your first breath of this polluted air.
You instantly found ways to cope, ways to protect yourself, smiles to hide away the tears, the pain, the numbness,
Hiding the painful pity, dissociation to hide the mind and all the other types of abuse. your learning disability, your inability to focus, to stay on task, to finish a task, to complete, to have drive, to succeed,
The lack of love, lack of attention, of family, of a mother, of a father, of teachers, your lack of support, guidance, your loneliness, your negative self image, your childhood abandonment, the scars, the lies, the promiscuity, the mood swings, the suicidal thoughts, the confusion, turmoil. So much more, so much baggage, so much past...
                    LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST.... it's just that simple!
Memories and flashbacks flooding your mind leaves you debilitated.
All of those awesome e-mails you receive, the people who want to be a part of your life who you push away and won't let in, the barrier - the wall.
The beauty you were born with, your 5 senses and health, these things do not matter in this deep repression. Nothing matters as nothing is what you confide it, it is your comfort, it is your company.



"This is what you have, you have it all, you're beautiful, you're this, you're that.." so 'they' say, but little do 'they' know.. 'they' will say they have been there before, they will say they understand, but do they really?


Medication will Mask the Mundane.


Oh, it's so unbelievable how much the outer appearance can really show.
The book's front cover.
The stories that lie inside each and every page are so much deeper that what you may perceive by observing the Title (Gina) and the design or picture, the nice face and the nice ****&***.;


Ingested so many supplements, vitamins, herbs, teas, water, exercising consistently and constantly, staying fit, so fresh and so clean, so well kept, being somewhat calm, cool, and collected...when underneath it all was a ball of blues, a mess of stress, a dungeon of self-destruction, a child reaching out, a pretty polite pessimist princess.


Oversleeping, malnourishment, Pre-Menstrual Symptoms, ADHD are the leading cause to my ranting today. Unable to fully explain and go into more depth about what all of the above means, I close my eyes and will try and muster up enough strength to organize and get back to this blog post when I awaken.


Getting a physical check-up along with blood work soon to see if there is an underlying cause to my fatigue lately....


All I can do is.... lay here, mindless, and...
w
a
i
t
.
Jan 2013 · 707
Questioning
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
This is what life is, we don't really know where we're going to go or where we're even going. It's an every second exploration and observation of the time that passes us by. This is what it is to live. We take part in making choices for ourselves which sometimes affect those around us. We have energy that the earth emits and energy, we emit. Movement. Our brains are like pieces of granola in a big bag, not one piece is exactly the same. So we watch life, take part in it, to try and form into a "person", we make this game of living worth our while but some of us, wonder, what is our purpose? How did we end up here? How did the earth form itself and progress into such a technologic, crime-infested, polluted, whirly world? Non-utopia. This place can be such a wreck, everything can be seen differently throughout each of our pair of eyes, or we may just have one eye, or colorblind eyes. Perceptions. I don't really pay attention or even look at every part of my body and study it. It's simply amazing to me how intricate each ***** and our entire body is and how our body is such a team, everything works together and if something goes wrong, we have our blood cells and other things that back it all up. It's incredible but, do we ever really wonder how we were even made? What the real roots are, not just our mothers and fathers, but way back when? We read the history books in school, when you first step foot into middle school, you take courses, you learn global history and social studies. You take a look at the A.C. eras and B.C. eras.
Jan 2013 · 1.3k
Growing up
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
i grew up with no daddy,
he left when i was 3,
random men here and there helpin' out,
barely had a momma,
she was in college and couldn't pay attention to me,
then when i was 11, moved in with an iranian guy
they got married in court and he was pronounced my "step dad"
he was verbally abusive and ocd
didn't give me love, wasn't like a father
and my mother was in her own little world
technically i was parent-less?
i have issues.
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
Where were you when I was growing up?
You were in college getting A's while I was getting D's in science class in the 5th grade.
I remember asking if you wanted to draw with me and you never had the "time"
10 minutes out of your ******* busy day to spend with your CHILD.
yeah, I understand bringing food to the table is important and your brain wasn't fully developed until 25 but, where were you?
I loved that computer. Oh, AOL 5.0, talking to strangers, going into lesbian chats, looking at naked pictures of women.
I appreciated when you paid attention to me when I would wear the same underwear and pants weeks straight.
It was amazing that you noticed I never used to take my Ritalin and that I would hide it under my tongue and then stick it in a mug under my ****** twin bed.
I've had 8 cats during my lifetime?
Do you remember April that cat, that siamese cat, our 5 cats? What was up with having so many **** CATS?
I loved watching nickolodeon and nick at nite. Cat dog all day with 5 kittens in our lovely apartment.
LOVED having your now "husbands" nephew trying to have *** with me when I was like 11 and he was 18.
The moths were fun.....fancied smelling like moth ***** during school!
I loved taking baths only because we had no shower head. Filling up a plastic cup with water to be able to wash my hair was my favorite.
I loved when you threw a hair dryer at me.
Digging your stupid fake nails into my skin, not sure what I did "wrong" then but that was always the best treatment, CHILD.
My favorite was when you helped with my homework.
Loved when you threatened that you would "tie a rope around my neck" and that you hated me.
Loved eating raviolis and getting 2 chicken sandwiches from Mcdonalds. Oh, 4 mini burgers and fries from Whitecastle after going to Marshalls was my favorite.
That guy, that assyrian, iranian guy that owned Carvel and was 20 years older than you...I loved when he used to let me go outside alone the condos when I was 3.
Loved when he'd force me to where overalls and ugly clothes in elementary school.
Being forced to go to an Assyrian church every sunday was the best!
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
This is what life is, we don't really know where we're going, it is an every second exploration and observation of the time that passes us by. This is what it is to live.
We take part in making choices for ourselves which sometimes affect those around us, we have energy that the earth omits and energy, we emit.
Movement.
Our brains are like pieces of granola in a big bag, not one piece is exactly the same.
So we watch life, take part in it, to try and form into a "person", we make this game of living worth while.
But some of us, wonder, what is our purpose? How did we end up here? How did the earth form itself and progress into such a technologic, crime-infested, polluted, whirly world.
Non-Utopia.
This place can be such a wreck, everything can be seen different throughout each of our pair of eyes, or we may just have one eye or colorblind eyes.
Perceptions.
I don't really ever pay attention or even look at every part of my body and study it. It's amazing to me how intricate each ***** and our entire body is, how our body is such a team. Everything works together and if one thing goes wrong, we have our blood cells and other things inside of us that will back us up. It's incredible, but do we ever really wonder how we were made, what the real roots are, not just our mothers and fathers, but way back when....
Jan 2013 · 367
Untitled
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
As  I stand at my counter, ringing out young mothers with their new born babies & toddlers, I have thoughts producing constantly, some that I cannot place together to make sense and some that I think and tell myself, this type of work is only temporary, I wonder what I want to do...with my minutes, hours, days...my life.
I have too much on my mind.
I was just thinking "I like to smile" while ringing someone out but I still hide my smiles and it's hard to control even though, it's me, I'm in control, I control what I do, I control what I say, where I guide MYself, me.
I cannot break my serious face, I feel bad for being nice.
If I am who I am, I'm either too nice to people and they think I'm being superficial.
Jan 2013 · 472
Standing up
Ginamarie Engels Jan 2013
Made of spoon,
Plastic.
Fork made of steel,
when life gives you a man who controls how you feel.
Plastic spoon, fake and breakable,
steel fork, strong and irreplacable.
Dec 2012 · 839
The hard
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2012
This world is so messed up
We're all working double shifts just to get some pay
To eat hay and there's none of those off days to sleep in all day
The exhaustion is unfair, unhealthy, and no one cares
The selfish, they work hard for their bucks
While the poor, they get money for giving their precious bodies for *****
It's so ****** up how the world spins and does its thing
The people in it they laugh, they don't cry, most don't even sing
I'm following, obeying
Not straying through that red light
Id like to give the sun a kiss
Cause
I've got thoughts of you, the thoughts of you, they are bliss
So **** full of bliss
Take me to the sun
Dec 2012 · 648
Little soulful seeker
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2012
See me as a Poetry lyricist in this present moment
In my past, I swam across the bathtub water
Little innocence, had a little soap sponge and spilled milk
Reminiscing of the pushes and shoves
The yelling and frozen fingertips left without warm gloves
If I was that princess, I couldn't have a soul
I wouldn't have a soul
I would be without a soul living in a false hole
With false hopes
wine bottles just to cope
Run to the safe ground, play ground
Energies, smiles for miles, dances
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2012
What a December in this state
I'm spending my days in and nights in with socks full of ice
Nose like Rudolph the reindeer
The opposite Of poor
their brand new Veneers
Everyones Caroling along to those Christmas songs
While I'm baking my food for the next day that feels like ages long
Sittin' on the subway
The wheels are going/gliding/flying fast
Hearing myself inside
Asking, "why must we be mute? And hide?"
We're all human beings with hair, nails, and breathing
will they tell me where theyre from,?
Will that make them run?
This life of secrets isn't so fun
Were all really one
But stuck in a black plum
Dec 2012 · 519
The same things
Ginamarie Engels Dec 2012
Are you here for the same reasons?
What do we have in common? I bet there are a few things.
We are alike
Similarities strike again
The End of our roads will be the same
Our first breath to our last
I'm so beat up, my eyes are heavy, they're wearing out to the movement of pedestrians
I want to scream, oh this fatigue my bones feel weak, my neck starts to creak
I want out, wanna find my place
I wanna go out wanna go places
Wanna see the world
Jun 2012 · 793
making love
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
i turned my head in the east direction,
saw sinking seagulls and your pale complexion
took the spoon out of your pocket and dipped it in the sea,
the salty water tastes like you & me ...
when we make love,
when we make love.
Jun 2012 · 637
soft
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
softly seeing
hardly speaking
hard and weakening
tires worn out
glass is weathered
weather is changing
party lights glaring on your new shoes
tie your lace around my waist
tug me in just for a haste taste
tie a bow around my neck,
silently lip sync that i'm your wreck
Jun 2012 · 403
alive to drive
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
strings through metal holes,
tightly strung in a bow,
over the rocks and snow, we go.
the snow flakes will wash away our foot prints
fade and escape the chaos
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
almost made it to the end,
picked up the phone,
you picked me up in your car,
tightly squeezed in your mason jar,
the crystals on the green grass have been cut,
blowing it all away out of the palms of my hands,
searching for the shake,
shake me into waves,
i want to be happy without my stuff,
simplicity is what i'm on my knees for,
what i'm envisioning on the floor,
the animals on all fours,
they are so beautiful in this never-ending whirly world,
innocence beats around the bushes,
hunger wants to be stufFED,
the mountains need to be shared,

come and share the crystals on the green grass with thee
i'll keep a promise you will love me
love me.
Jun 2012 · 1.8k
sparkle
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
pen down on the paper
no lifting, just scripting
words of affirmations,
sudden crossroads and explanations.
hear me out,
can't you listen?
i want to be your glisten.
reflect back onto your heart.
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
it was a day like no other
the mountains stood low
the trails were shortened
water droplets on the grass
smoke in the car
lost my breath,
catched it,
collapsed.
Jun 2012 · 450
shiny pearl teeth
Ginamarie Engels Jun 2012
smile for miles
but the others, they don't want to see my teeth
eyes open wide, there was a surprise
the others don't want to hear me speak
keep hiding behind the curtain
kick my boots through the window
find me sitting by the river
where the water never stops moving
i want to get moving
killing the mute
pushing through the fake frowns
would you like to hear my sound?
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