When you left

I remember holding onto your hand so tightly that I could hear my fingers breaking

But looking back at it, now

I think that it was my heart

5 years later and my fingers aren't the same since you've held them

5 years later and I still remember the sound

The sound when you left, which was probably silent for you

But a thunderstorm for me

What do I miss most about you?
Of course I miss your hands
The ones that held mine all the time
They shake much more now since you've been gone.
What will I miss most about you?
Your voice
I haven't heard it in so, so long
It's like you never even existed
What do I miss-
What have I missed about you
There is nothing that I don't miss.
I miss the way you used to look at me
From across the room
Even today my heart skips a beat thinking about the way you looked at me
I have missed your eyes
Which are the same color as mine
But somehow, infinitely more beautiful.
Isn't is so strange
That I have to mourn the loss of somebody
who is still alive?

I couldn't be bothered to remember that it was summer time
Until very recently, someone said it was in regards to the weather
But I can't tell the difference
Because every day without you is cold

I am not my anxiety
I am not the girl who cries while her hands shake
Because I am feeling everything way too deeply
I am not the aches in my chest
I am not the shortness of breath
Or heart palpitations
I am not the girl who thinks about dying every second
That was never me
It may be something I'm dealing with now
But it is not who I am
I am the girl who loves to laugh
Who loves life and joy and happiness
Who constantly tries to tell herself
"You are stronger than this"
I am the girl who still misses a boy who I met years ago
One that was taken then, and taken now
I am the girl who gives horrible advice
But loves giving it
Yes, I have my moments, like right now
Where I feel nothing but dread and despair and fear
But that passes, eventually
I am the girl who tries to love everything I come across
Not the girl who is crying on the floor because I can't breathe and I miss someone and it's been this way for years

Since I'm missing you again, I'll write.

I'll write to forget the way you held my hand, the way your fingers fit into mine so perfectly, it's like I was made just for you. Only you

5 years later and my chest still aches because the universe had the nerve to send me someone so special, so lovely, so different, only to give them away to someone else

I am the cup of cold tea on the table and you prefer coffee

I'm thinking about changing my hair. Isn't it weird that I wondered what you would think of it? How your eyes would settle onto me the way they used to, so long ago, when I dreamed of you every night and saw you every morning

I feel bad about missing you again, because you have moved on so far past me, I'm certain you don't think about me anymore. She is your sun and I'm the night sky with no stars

The love that I still have for you is too much; I wish I didn't have to keep holding on to it, but there's no where for me to put it down. I'm sorry I am too much and not enough at the same time.

If you were to ever speak to me again, would your voice still sound so quietly calming, like you had just woken up, with the sun behind you but I don't notice it because you are brighter

I need you again, but you are everywhere but here. It's like I made you up and now I compare everyone I meet to you. I don't want to compare. I want you to come back and I want you to hold me again