I survived:
My father's death, who left too early,
My mother's trip to the land of forever fog,
The loss of a child,
A few years in the Pool,
Swimming with gentle crocodiles,
The mountain trail somewhere East,
An angry crowd in Musutiste,
On the same day, the shelling in Studencane,
A few disappointments,
One recent betrayal,
And the black cloud nightmares.

I will survive:
The daily headache,
The selection at the Academy
The fading love,
The obsessive longing for Someone,
Yes, I will survive
It all.

So help me God.

i am worth more
than the coffee stained creativity
written in battered notebooks and used napkins
over looked by eyes filled with the haze of
today's worries and yesterday's regrets
all machines of a self involved world
combining the definitions of equality with conformity
i am worth more
than dreams laced with convincingly false futures
and exaggerated pasts  
plagued from the bottled
no,
judged affection that's stored in my soul like
a prized illusion
i will hold on until my heart is black and blue from the trembling
of the unsteady ground
hold on until the gold veil falls to reveal the blackened soil
hold on
to no avail
i am worth more,
more than the billboards of perfection that line the inside of my skull
stacked thoughts that run to me in the most innocent of mornings
the most blinding of nights
repeated rhythms of mocking truth
i am worth
more than the daily doubts of filtered words
more than formed plastic hearts, black & white minds, and mouths of handlebars labeled: pull or push
more than a mind that shuts down
chooses numbness,
like the constant murmur on a heart monitor after a patient has been announced dead
silence.
time of death 16:29
i am telling you.
i am worth more than the far- sighted wonder of perfect days somewhere,
not here.
the “one day I’ll get there” excuse of not being able to erase this image from my mind,
not this.
as my fingers entwine and fiddle and circle
like a ferris wheel stuck moving in one direction
i do this a lot to distract my mind.
i do this to try and slow it down from running 80mph
to a speed where i can see the lights ahead
without blurs or running colors.
i am worth more than dripping images of a life that is not mine.
*-- e.m. & c.m.