I am simultaneously locked, frozen and free.
I am under a magnifying glass despite, or rather since,
I’m huge. And I can be heard, learned from,
but most importantly, seen, from miles
away. Miles away until I sleep, while
everyone, but most importantly, that
one, can sleep until she’s pleased.

But I can’t sleep, and that rots
the brain. The heart, the senses,
I can feel it all. I can’t feel it
when I’m standing but when I’m
laying down- I can be it all.

I am not afraid of myself.
I am simultaneously locked, frozen…
but free?

When I rain, I pour.
But this year broke me.
Sank its fingertips
into my shoulder blades
and tore me asunder.
Nailed me to the
floors of this apartment
that weeps like a willow.
While you wrapped yourself in goodnights
I screamed into the floorboards.
I licked at your fingers
like a dog.
No matter how deep I dived
I never reached the ocean,
And I cried.
Sweet Jesus, did I cry.
But men aren’t supposed to,
so I begged instead.
At the age of twenty
I discovered shame.
I felt like calling for help,
but my voice cracked
like a frozen lake.
You’d tell me you were going out
with a few friends, and I’d beg you to stay home,
but my guilt tied my tongue down
with fish hooks.
When I rained, only ashes fell.
And no phoenix clawed its way out.
Only my naked back, flayed by the chains of the prison
I forged for myself,
bleeding out poems that I’ll never see
again.
******* out air from music notes
in order to survive.
This year I discovered guilt.
I could never count how many times I said I’m sorry,
but I tattooed it to my chest
so when I made love to you
I wouldn’t have to say it out loud.
I used to burn.
Burn so loud that
when spoke
smoke climbed from my lips,
I lived my life like a car crash
but sang like a music box.
I plucked smiles from strangers
and drank up the voices
of girls
like wine.
I played loud.
And at the age of nineteen I found myself unworthy.
I inhaled smoke instead of speaking it,
and never let the car
leave the driveway.
I cried ink from my fingertips,
and used you as a telescope to search for God.
With you, I discovered far too much.
I still feel that only shackles embrace me,
but I want to shred open my rib cage
and the let the songbird
out of my chest.
Pull the hooks from my tongue
so I can say
I love you.
When I rain, I want to ******* pour.
So the world knows my heart’s beating.
My wounds are canyons,
that I’ll stitch up with poems.
I want you to know me.
I want you to hold your breath
when you press your hand to my chest.
I want to scream so loud these
walls split open
to let the ocean pour forth from their eyes,
so I can swim to the surface and write my name on its face.
Sing the moon into my hands.
And free that fire from my music box,
so I can find my way
home.

"I don't want anymore heartbreak,
                  I'm tired of the sound it makes."

My rib cage,
Where my heart lays,
Beating so loud.
Emotions,
They’re circling around,
Going so fast I’m sure my bones will break.
Should I just shut off?
Should I remain alone?
This vibration is hard to take.
Anxiety swallows me,
And I question my existence,
And I question you,
And I wonder if it’s worth it,
Because this rib cage,
It’s smaller than these emotions,
And they might just break out,
Destroying me.

I think I'm high on Vicodin-
I just left the bathtub,
Embarrassed.

It happened when the hot water ran cold-
Only then did I realize I was happily sitting
in three inches of water,
with the drain down,
waiting for the tub to fill up.

My teeth are smiling back at me
From a glass beside the bed
I wonder "Do they look that bad"
"When they're positioned in my head?"

They looked all kind of cloudy
***** brown, and green
I think I need to change the way
I make my teeth get clean

Right now I use polident
To make my choppers shine
But, if this is the way that they turn out
I'm embarrassed that they're mine

I took them out and washed them off
I stuck them in a glass of bleach
I thought, "This will make them whitey white"
The colours will all leech

Out of my clean choppers
And will brighten up my smile
Then you'll see me from afar
Well, at least a half a mile

I left them for two hours
and they came out brown and green
I thought, they look no better now
They look totally obscene

I even took to painting them
A glorious shade of white
I left them on my workbench
To dry and harden overnight

They still look brown and greeny
Like they were buried in the yard
I swear, I've never had a thing
That's made me work so hard

I cannot put them in my mouth
with out cleaning off the crud
It's looks like I am smiling
With a mouth that's full of mud

I took a pad of wire wool
And scrubbed them like you do
They didn't get much brighter
But, now at least...they're blue

I went down to the chemists
To get something for my teeth
I needed something powerful
To relieve me of my grief

The chemist said "please shut your mouth"
"You're scaring all who passes"
"Your teeth are oh so snowy white"
"The dirt is on your glasses!!"

Staring at your teeth
While you talk

I see the white peak from yellowed roots
The brownish blank that holds no tooth
The brown-to-pink gradient of your overhanging lip
The gap in the front through which your tongue's tip might fit

I see the smile-stained corners flicked by foam
The lecture-licked lining of your rows of brittle bones
The wide and squinted opening that emits your sunny breath
And the erratic, untrained movements of one who is native to French