With the conviction of a grieving fourteen year old, I cut a thick **** deep into my vein & watched the blue beneath my skin melt into a red stream that trickled through my fingers. I didn't cut in rows, for safety. I cut in columns. I watched the gray walls that encased me fall into a dusty mass beneath my feet. I watched all of the chaos that spiraled around me grow smaller and smaller until it was nothing but a dime sized glisten before me. I heard everything fall eerily silent like the serenity of a funeral we all knew was coming; the end to a suffering. The kind of ending that makes our bones ache but lifts our hearts in a sea of  some twisted hope that we feel guilty for feeling but are still comforted by. A silence unpentrible by the anxious sirens of an ambulance headed toward my house or the hurried footsteps of my sister's cheap moccasin's headed toward my bedroom door.

That was the first time, I felt terrifed of my own hands; this sense of genuine suspense for what I'd do next as if I wasn't the one in charge of where my limbs went. The first time I ever felt that evil love for hating myself; that desire to press down harder; to clip the vein where it starts; to let myself pour out like a barrel of salt water; to become dry skin over still bones... That was the first time, I made an honest attempt to fight myself off of my own frame. The first time I ever wished I'd slept through every hour of my life up until this point just so that I'd have nothing to think about.

Well, four years later, I'm just so glad I made it out because the happiness that has grown over my skull is enough to make me cry and I don't even know that little girl who so desperately wanted to die.

I thought about setting myself on fire
Or drowning myself in a lake
I thought about eating a bottle of pills
Or drinking a gallon of salt water
I decided I needed a cigarette
I couldn't find a lighter
I cried

A woman reborn

Living off the high of you,
A melody that plays over and over on my mind.
Memories overlapping fantasies,
because what is real
Seems surreal…
Linking hearts and minds, passions and dreams,
I want to swim in your pool of serene,
And bathe in your essence of masculinity
And feel refreshed, ready to be reborn
Into this new woman,
One who has been locked in chains for so long…
Can we create a new song?
Where I sing
And let your fingers press
Against...and produce the beat
Inside my heart.
You are the creator of my soul
And I am the singer of the song
That we produce,
One that we have been anticipating for too long…
Floating off the keys of love,
No discordance to this union
For once I have someone who understands
The music that flows in me,
Who perfects my every melody,
Whose skilled hands caress every inch of
My imperfections…
I love him... for he is the Creator of my soul,
He makes me whole….

Kena SunGoddess Dawn 2011

Incandescent

The frost coats our windowpane,
and outside the world sleeps
in its arctic cocoon.
You are my fire,
we are wrapped up in our warmth
while staring at the moon.
The pheromones in the air
produce pins and needles
which tingle up my skin.
Acupuncture
to heal my sickness for love,
detoxifying me from within.
If I were angry
you would pacify me.
If I had a disease
you would medicate me.
I once was blind,
but now I can see,
that with you, my wise master,
I can erase the past
and rewrite history.
Winter creeps up
with its icy touch,
looking to barren my soul.
But enveloped in your embrace,
I have full control.
Turning up the heat to help me survive,
this journey we have,
all through the night.
The frost coats our windowpane,
while you glaze my heart with your
warm honey…
Restore my oxygen,
pump my veins,
Turn up the dial on by body
a few degrees.
Even if the world freezes over
from Winter’s mad spell,
we will still live through the
Cryogenics of our love,
and deny all law of physics.
For as long as your heart is beating…
mine will reside-
although the world sleeps
through the storm,
while frozen on the outside.
But the brilliance of our love
will always be…
Incandescent.

Kena SunGoddess Dawn 2009

So many left, the shaded paths in this  kind wood,
words of beauty recited here  forgotten forever,
blossoms of   friendships withered and thrown out.
Found nothing to tell as muse hid behind a haze,
or got dejected as gilt-edged words didn't meet expectations?
Too many waves of destruction one can't fight, one after another,
hence verse became meaningless?
Poetry makes nothing happen, someone said, once
is it after all true? But a vision of beauty humanizes, we feel it,
everything depends up on perspectives,
poetry happens when an immortal moment touches deep,
what changes inner life echoes in eternity, one gains wings.
The flow  never ceases, it goes on beyond time.
Know thyself. Be in the stream. Flow with the
stream of consciousness that weaves all in to one.
Does it make any sense? if so poetry too  is.
Why did they leave even without a word?
Are they in greener woods, in some other pursuit?
bless them, let them find peace in their quest.