I tried to block you out.
I cup my hands over my ears,
Sing some immature tune
To keep your memory away.

It didn't work.

My mind still goes,
To the way you touched me then.
To the way your strong, stretched fingers
Traced my childish frame.
To what you made me do.

I still replay a movie in my head.
"It's just a game" you promised.
"All the big kids do it."
No. They don't.

You're so ****** up that you
Were able to convince me that
Something's wrong with me.
I didn't ****** a child.
I didn't lie to and coerce a seven year old
To give into my own deranged needs and desires.
You did that, remember?

Part of me almost feels
Sorry for you.
I know you have your problems
That you were born with
But that is not my fault
And that is certainly not
A seven year-old version of me's fault, either.

I told about what you did to me
When I was fourteen.
Some people say it must have been nearly impossible
To keep a secret like that for seven years.
It was honestly harder for me to break that secret.

Part of me was emboldened.
Part of me started to feel okay.
Until it all happened again.

My ex and I have been intimate
But it is always consensual.
When a friend took advantage of me
Right after some tragic events took place
I didn't know what to do.
I couldn't speak.
I couldn't think.

It happened so fast
But we didn't *****.
I found my voice to deny that,
Avidly.

That, however
Is a little less black and white.
The way you abused me, clearly
Was wrong, illegal, and disgusting in every sense of the word.
I understand that.
I do not understand what he did to me
And it has left me more confused than anything else.

I won't lie to you,
I am ****** about what you did to me
Still, to this day.
I would never confront you about it
I love your mother too much to hurt her that way.

I am ****** about what he did to me, too.
I still have the world's hardest time
Going to school, to work, anywhere
Out of fear that I will see him.

When I do see him,
I feel my breaths get short and raspy
And my heart beats too quickly for me to catch up
My body shakes,
And I get an overwhelming nauseous sensation.

However, I am trying to cope with this.
It will not keep me bound.
You never kept me bound.
I am breaking through every chain
That has strangled me like a noose.

I am accepting this
With every bone of my being
So I can move on with my life
So I can teach others
So I can become stronger
No thanks to you.

It is a sickening word
That most ladies with a conscience,
Would never throw at anybody else.
So why would you use it on yourself?

Do not use it to describe my body.

The media uses it enough to their advantage.
When "Plus Sized" it considered a size ten.
They use it to coerce little girls,
Into buying hair and makeup products.
And they hope to make a role model
Out of some photoshopped Barbie doll.

Instead they soil a child's self image.

We put each other down
And we beat ourselves down twice as hard.
Let us think of this from a different perspective for a minute.

What constitutes in our world as ugly?
Webster's definition would be something along the lines of,
Displeasing to the senses.
But what does that really mean?
It can mean different things to different people, and it does.

It means that words like ugly, worthless,
And especially fat
Should be removed from our verbal vernacular.

Here's the new guide on ****** assault prevention
Ladies, sit back for a change.
This one's for men.

It's an easy two word phrase,
"Don't ****."
Didn't Mama ever tell you to be patient,
Or to keep your hands to yourself?
Or even to only take what's yours,
And only go to parties that you are invited to?

My body is not yours to take.
And you crashed that party.

These seem like elementary school basics to me.

Phrase ten.
To that boy who grabbed my *** or snapped my bra strap,
It was never cute or *****.
In middle school it was annoying,
Now it's just creepy.

Phrase nine.
To that girl who thought it was really classy,
To spread rumors about my *** life.
What I do in bed does not involve you.
And if you want it to?
Sorry, honey, but I don't date haters.

Phrase eight.
To everyone who judges me because of my job.
If you are an adult,
I'm in high school.
If you are in high school,
I bet I have more money than you do.
And if not,
I have to actually earn it.

Phrase seven.
To everyone who thinks I am some genius.
I'm really not...
I fear for my future every day.
My grades aren't that hot,
But they're not awful.
I just don't go flaunting them in everyone's faces.

Phrase six.
To all of my friends who think it's their job to compare,
How awful their lives are to mine.
I tend to zone out when you start *******.
I know, I am being a hypocrite,
Because I probably do that same thing.
But I kind of have a short attention span,
And very little tolerance for *******.

Phrase five.
Aren't you thrilled that you are half way there?
To my sister, who has to slightly outdo me in everything,
I truthfully do not know if you realize that you do this.
I love you to death, but could you try to tone it down
Just a little bit?

Phrase four.
To my parents, who I know love me endlessly.
But to whom I often feel like a failure.
I know your other daughter is perfect,
But I am not her.
I am me,
And yes I have a little extra meat on my bones.
But frankly,
I'm not really ashamed of that.

Phrase three.
To my ex-boyfriend,
Who I still chat with time and again.
I do still love you.
But our relationship was toxic,
And either though neither one of us wanted to end it,
It isn't like we would have gotten married.

Phrase two.
To all my current friends,
You guys are beautiful.
And although sometimes I do not feel like I have
Enough of you,
I have just the right ones.
Thank you for making life to this point,
A little bit more bearable for me.

Phrase one.
To everyone who has judged me, called me a ****, doubted me
And who thinks I am a lost cause,
Go **** yourselves.

I find no luster in anything
And I thought bringing you back
Would bring meaning to my life again.
I would love you to the moon and back
If you would only let me.
But instead,
You left me hanging among the stars.

Clothes shed like old skins
Our feelings are left on the floor somewhere in between.
We will not stop, cannot stop
The smell of you makes my eyes sting
And your touch makes me melt.

Our lust burns like a cigarette
And love is the smoke that chokes us
Until we both black out.

In fact,
You bought me a pack of Marlboros that day
On your way to my house.
We sat on the deck intertwined
As I smoked my life away.

And now
I don't know what to feel
But it is better than feeling nothing at all.

She has dated boys before.
Boys who beat her
Boys who ***** her
Boys who did nothing wrong at all
But still did not feel "right."

One of them made fun of her
Told her she must be some kind of lesbian
(As if that was an insult)
If she did not want to have *** with him.
She smiled something sad on the outside
To deflect
To forget
To hide behind.

She thought
And what if I am?
What does that make me?
It's a question that wanders into the unexplored ruins
Of an unkempt mind.

A boy meets boy love story is next on the list.
They both play football
And think that means they must both be "players."
Really, they're falling for each other
With one swift and concise movement.

Boy A cannot tell his parents
As he comes from a rowdy and traditional Italian line.
Boy B is getting fed up
And yet waits, patiently
For his one and only to express this flaring emotion
A love, unexpressed.

Their families, churches and culture
Thinks they can change who they are.
They use different, cruel tactics.
Beat the gay out of him
Excommunication
Force her to have ***, and she will turn straight

You tell the world that they are an
Abomination
Atrocity
Mutation

And yet, I ask this.
If the Bible was a Holy deity's, a God's message of eternal love
As any good Christian, as I am supposed to be, would proclaim
Then how can it be used to justify
Acts of such hate and genocide?

"I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak"
(Matthew 12:36)
I hope you are prepared for your Judgment Day.

"Look in the mirror already
You're ugly, unattractive
And way too awkward
For anyone to give a **** about."

I step back, trying to whimper a reply.
All I can manage to stammer is
People like m--

"No, they don't"
She adds
"They just pretend like they do
So you don't flip out.
People don't like dealing with drama
And honey, you are drama.
People don't like fixing messes
And sweetheart, you make things messy.
You know you do."

I back down, submitting.
I think of a way to beat her
I go to the bathroom
Fix my unkempt hair
My crooked smile
My scarred and rigid skin
That has gotten that way from picking and cutting.

At this, she laughs.
"Try again, darling.
Pathetic doesn't even begin to describe you,
You worthless *******."

I face her, this time meeting her eyes.
But my voice still shakes.
I'm pretty
You know I am
I have something spe--

"No you don't, you little *****.
You're just a mediocre version of everyone else.
You have no talents.
The only thing you're good at
Is giving boys exactly what they want
Or letting them take it from you."

That one stings.
A tear rolls down my cheek
And she absolutely loves the defeat welling
Behind my bloodshot eyes.
My molestation was not my faul--

"But you could have stopped it, no?
Everything you do is a disgrace, and you know it.
You disappoint your parents
Your friends
Your teachers
Your family.
You are nothing.
No one will ever want you.
No one would give two *****
If you dropped dead right now.
They'd actually appreciate it."

This series of "you can't"'s
Gives me a sudden shock wave of confidence
Or is it bravado?
I glare at her square in the face
And say, with no stutter
Don't you dare ******* tell me
That no one would miss me if I died.

I said it, and it shut her up for a while.
Now the next step is
For me to bring myself
To really believe those words.

The thick liquid began to slowly drip
I need you
I wiped the red off my lips

Through out your life
You are mine forever
As the blood ran down my mouth
I shielded my body
My mind going slack

Hands on my white throat
Began violently to squeeze
Eyes rolled back into my head
My soul in terror tried to flee

As the darkness closed in
He let the words slip
I love you
Slowly releasing his grip 

The sharp knife  against my throat
A weapon of fear
Submission its goal
Its deadly edge
I know all too well

Blue eyes
A person I did not know
Slept with me in the cradle of nightmares
Till the orange sun rose
He said I love you
A fool
My forgiveness flowed
For he was mine
This demon
To God I had spoken the vow

Always conscious and wary
He would speak the dreaded words again
I love you
Till would come my sad end




This poem is copyrighted and stored in author base. All material subject to Copyright Infringement laws
Section 512(c)(3) of the U.S. Copyright
Act, 17 U.S.C. S512(c)(3), Tammy M. Darby Feb.3, 2014

I see you
and the moments pass so quickly
I take hold as you slip away
Time is tricky
Forever in a day
A day can last forever
All that's left is to remember
I begin to play with the clock's levers
Out of control
Too bold
Too desperate
I just want you now
Now that it's passed
Why can't I grasp impermanence?
Denying the ticks of illusions
Explosive tears can't drain this longing
This sense of belonging
Take some more of my breath
Plus the hours I've spent pondering transitory periods
It's my curse and the curse of most women
Holding onto fairytales
From childhood dreams
Of princesses and thieves
My hearts been stolen from my sleeve
and hung out to bleed
Watch as the blood hits my paper
and savor your conquer
As I wonder aimlessly  
Aging painfully