They said she was easy.
But I did not see that.
I loved her I know I did.
At fourteen she was more
of a woman than a girl.
I was fourteen too
My eyes were in awe of her.
The other girls in class
we’re jealous of her beautiful
body now moving to womanhood.
Far faster than theirs were.
Boys in the school looked at her
making up lies about her.
Laughing in knowing fantasy.
At sixteen I was still in love with her
She was now sleeping around.
Using her body like a credit card
to buy all she wanted.
She gave pieces of herself
But never her heart
to boys eager to take them.
At twenty she was jaded and hard.
Unable to see the truth of herself.
That she was beautiful and worthy
of being admired for who she is
Not for the hurt and bruises
of grasping hands.
I was still in love with her.
And asked her out.
But she refused putting me
In the pile of  males
That had damaged her
So badly
over her childhood.
But I was still in love with her.

I wish I was a better poet.
One who could find words easily.
Even hard words that are
strong yet tender.
Words that can say just
how much I feel about you my love.
Yet you are careful
with your words of love.
Passing them to me sparingly
like precious diamonds.
While I pour out my hearts tenderness
Like a waterfall to you.
I want to close my eyes
and remember you when you looked
at me with sweetness and need.
Now all I see is endings.
In reflection I think I gave you
Every heartbeat I have.
And you gave me just a couple
of yours in return.

We convened a conclave
Where the famiglia
Was casting sideways looks,
Keeping secrets from survivors.
Papa had passed,
His mantle drapping the remains.
And a day looms for its passing
To an unelected recipient
From the unresponsive benefactor.
Dirges were played.
Outside I lit a cigarette
And the cloud of smoke rose skyward.
The ballots have been counted.

Actions chased by chastity
Touching confused with lust
Hold your hands back now
And thus shall the record show.

Never confused in parables
Right is right
And wrong is wrong
A single lesson to know life-long.

Yet my demanding mistress
I would never deny
Except in good conscience
Which is mostly.

Tickle my insides like
Someone did once
Manage to dust off that
Place I cannot touch
Tell me stories of your life
And memories
Unravel the tangled intricacies
That are within me
If I was more stable
More wise
I wouldn't feel like maybe there's
More behind those eyes
This game used to feel easy
But now I feel pressured by
Subjecting myself to exploitation
And exposure
What will become of that smile
I remember
I can't make someone stay no
Matter what I do
I'd rather be alone than you just
Passing through
Patience right now to guide me
To good sense
To clarity
To a semblance of safety in all
The risks
All of this feels like a test
And I break like glass
Entangled in the premise of
Fulfilling your wishes
But how do you defeat paralysis?
I'm not dumb as I act
I just have to push myself gently
Back onto track
I'm exploring the terrain
That is you
And if that's a mistake it's one
I repeatedly do
You got to jump without knowing where you'll fall
Falling I say is fun
So let's have a ball
Let's fill that space between us
**** all of this.
**** it all.