death is laced with colours no eye can see
i saw it yesterday
resting on a twig
on a cold manhole cover
against which it looked so alive
-- it seemed to be comforted
brown wings pulled close, tips almost touching,
against the tiny white shell of its chest,
speckled with black
a tiny beak welcoming the chance to grab
at an interminable silence
--neither ugly nor morbid
but gently pretty,
the presence of death
affirming life.

- Vijayalakshmi Harish
   06.07.2013
   Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish

Soaring high, high above the sky,
Imagining a dream that you could fly,
And never again would you cry.

A promenade on land turns into a quest to find happiness,
Searching, but only discovering the dullness,
Arms stretched out to welcome the kindness.

You leave the rocky shores behind, praying the waves
Will wash the sorrow away, and fill the caves
Of your heart; your own hero, who protects and saves.

Violent rays of gentle sunlight present a new way
Of believing today's a different day;
Smiling will make everything okay.

A simple grin will turn the skies from grey to blue,
Not often used, especially by you,
But when you smile, the world smiles too.

Your laugh will kiss your tears goodbye.
Never again will your jovial eyes cry,
As the smile on your face becomes a new way to fly.

If you asked me if I was real
I would tell you no
But if you looked to my wrist
Those scars are all too real
These smiles and laughs
Come from the instinct to hide
To avoid the predatory explanations
Everyone will ask for
When I tell them I'm not happy
I can't tell you in a sentence
And I'm not asking for time
So you can hear my story
Cutting it short would still take too long
The summary itself would take all day

The smiles are fake yes
But not these scars
So if you ever see me
Look the other way
You'll see nothing more than a mask
Deemed undesirable even at a masquerade
This isn't a charade
Or a game I'm playing
I don't need your attention
I'd rather be left alone
Because you'll want to know
Why there is so much blood at my feet
Why the scars I have are the only thing that's real

I'm not the person everybody knew back then
I'm just the kid looking for a way out
No escape ropes
Or secret passage ways
I want a clean way out
Making sure to never end up
Back in the pits
I managed to pull myself out of
I want to be free
From the mask I wear now
To quit my acting career
And finally be who I was meant to be
I'd like these scars to fade
And these smiles to be real
Because it's killing me
To be like this
I don't want to be the author
Of another tragedy
I don't want to dance
One of those fancy dances
I just want to smile for real...for once

Its been this bad
Once before
It scares me to think I might be going that way again
It scares me to think of the mess I'm in
It scares me that's it's all come so fast
It scares me to think how long this might last
I'm empty inside
And I cannot hide it
Weeks ago I could not stop smiling
Now I'm barely crying
Has all emotion left me
Except this ache
This ache deep inside
It makes my muscles shake
An people stare
They're worried
I may seem angry
It not your fault
I am really sorry
I'm trying to be happy
Tomorrow I need to talk about this
Or soon
I can't sleep
You ask if I want Tylenol
But pain killers won't **** the type of pain that's killing me
Oh please
If only I could have a good cry
To let some of this escape
I can't stay awake and I can't sleep
Why does this always cut so deep?

I hate you
For shaping me
Into everything I never wanted to be

When you smile,
you make my heart sing,
when you cry,
you make my heart sway,
when you don't know what else to say,
you make my mind think for you,
when your lost,
i'm the one to find you,
when your tired,
i'm the one who tries to give you the strength to move,
Now i need you,
so that when i smile your heart will sing,
so that when i cry,
i will make your heart sway,
so when i have nothing else to say,
i make you think for me,
so when i'm lost,
your the one to find me,
and so that when i'm tired,
your the on that would give me your strength to carry on.

"it'll get easier"
they say
"holidays won't be so hard forever"
they say
"christmas will be better next year"
they say
"it won't hurt so much after a while"
they say
"mom'll come back someday"
they say
"she'll come to her senses"
"she'll realize her mistake"
"she'll miss her family"
"the kids won't forget about their big sister"
"she won't disappear again"
"you're gonna be fine"
"it'll all sort itself out"
"just be patient"
"it was your dad's fault"
"she was crazy"
"give it time"
they say.

they
(whoever they are)
do a lot
of talking
but not enough
to make today
feel alright
because i can't look anywhere
without seeing us down by the lake
with watermelon dripping down our chins
and scraggly weeds
growing inbetween the rocks

i miss that thing i used to have

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