Crash
Over me
This wave of emotions
Comes to crash
Over me
Comes to drown me in tears and screams
And the fear of insanity
All around me the people, they scurry
All around me, they move around me
They might as well go right through me
I’m not here, don’t you know?
I don’t exist, don’t you know?
Am I real? I’m not sure
It’s confusing to think about
Why I am and what I’ll be
Whowhatwhenwherewhyhow
It all spins around so I can’t sleep
When I do sleep, the conflicts chase me
I see in technicolor
A kiss from my love
And a love letter from a gay
Gay boys don’t write love letters to straight girls
A confusion, sparkling prom dress
Left in shreds behind my closet door
What’s happened? I don’t know why
My silver shoes are turned red
Why are my nails crusted with red?
Wake up, sleep again
Wake up again, now sleep
Alarm bleeps, but I’m not awake
**** it all, I’m not awake
Fix a smile to my face
Tell the world I’m okay
Then yearn for the end of a long day
Inhale the breath of my love
He distracts me from
The tidal wave looming over my head
The faces under the water titter
As I kiss him hard, he kisses harder,
Heart rates speed up in sync
And around us, the noises try to send me
Scurrying under a desk, into a corner
Quick, hide under your jacket!
And when I look into his eyes,
Those warm brown eyes,
I see his fear and it scares me
It’s good to know someone cares,
But I hate to cause him pain
The look in his eyes as
he gently pulls me out from under the desk:
Concern, fear, a swirl of stress and anxiety
I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s anxiety
Yes, it’s nice to be loved
But it hurts to know that my emotions cause them pain
These emotions which I cannot control,
These impulses to eat and eat
To bang my fist, then my head, against the wall
Standing in the shower,
Burning hot water,
I look up into the spray
I see myself with lungs full of water
Gasp, pull away, squeeze my eyes shut
Open them again, there’s the silver cord
The link between the main showerhead and the detachable one
The loops glitters
See it hanging around my neck
God, oh, god, why do I see this?
I do not wish for death, I fear it
So why do these visions come to me?

There’s a name for this, all of this
This insanity which is mine
The first word is borderline.
*(Borderline Personality Disorder)

My nose is above the water,
My lips just below
The waves sweep over my head
And I struggle to breathe
I’m trying to survive here,
Trying to stay afloat
But it’s hard to stay bouyant
When I’ve become so numb and cold
Just above me, I can see a fogged-over sun
I wish it would shine, clear and free
I wish it could spread its blanket of rays across me
Warm blanket of gold thread
Let me sleep here, warm
A wave sweeps over my head
I’m drowning again
I can’t sleep here, it’s much to cold
The only way I can close my eyes
Is if I let myself die
But there across the sea
My love is waiting for me
He sits on an island, toes in the waves
He’s waiting there for me
My limbs are weak, my heart is giving in
But, **** it all, I will still swim
I will keep fighting these arctic waves
Until I have finally reached my love,
And I can be warm with him again.

She’s drowning.
She won’t believe you,
So don’t bother telling her;
She ‘s drowning
Sinking into the dark water
The cold slowly steals
The warmth of her soul
The darkness slowly devours
Pieces of her heart
Don’t tell her,
Because she won’t believe you
when you tell her that’s she’s drowning
She’ll just keep sinking down
Until she hits the bottom
And gives in.

Take me back
to the fair,
To the magic and joy
Take me back
To pink swirls of candy cotton
And fresh-squeezed lemonade
Take me back
To giant teddy bears
And dusty neon balloons
Take me back
To the top of the Ferris wheel
And the top of the world
Take me back
To carefree happiness,
This old surreal world.

It’s inevitable,
Undeniable:
I am shrinking, fading, falling away
Reality moves farther from my grasp
Every day
I can’t help but feel
Disconnected
Is this depression? Is it anxiety?
Is it an ailment that has caught me by surprise?
I cannot say that I know
What it is that’s wrong with me
But it is odd, and frightening,
This week I’m fine and calm and okay,
Next week I’m a bouncing ball of buzzing anxiety;
Watch out! I might zap you with this electric energy
That has filled me to the brim
I don’t want to name disorders anymore
Because I tend to falsely diagnose
But I need to figure this out
I have to figure this out
I have to learn the name of my enemy
Before it squashes me completely
And wipes me off the face of existence.

When I was a kid,
The world was a sparkling diamond,
And I was fascinated by the iridescent sparkles.
Then I grew up,
And everything shattered.

Like a typical teenage cliche,
my emotions simmer under my skin
surge through my veins
scream for release
I'm begging for release
I am FRAGILE
Handle me with care
If you drop me I might explode
Into a million pieces of
a once-whole girl.
*Not so whole anymore

Don't.
Please, don't.
Don't let yourself cry.
Don't let the tears fall
when there are people watching.
You may be invisible to them,
but if you cry, they will notice
And remember you for being weak.
So don't cry,
don't.
Please, don't.
Just wait for the shadows,
wait for the solitude,
wait until you are alone
to cry.

Shh! Don’t tell!
I am melancholy
As the day weighs down my brain
And I yearn to sleep, to forget
Shh! Don’t tell!
I’m still sad, do you see it?
I hide shadows just beneath my eyelids,
I hide tears behind my teeth
Shh! Don’t tell!
I still get so melancholy
Even though I thought the darkness was gone
But there will always be a shadow here, I suppose
Shh! Don’t tell!
Well, they wonder why I cut
They wonder why I don’t cry
Well, maybe I’d rather feel pain than die
And maybe it hurts too much to cry
Yes, I know, that makes no sense
But I’m clearly not quite right in the head
Don’t tell my soul, don’t tell my heart
Don’t tell them I still may fall apart
I’m not dying, I’m not giving up
I’m just a little melancholy
In the morning, I’ll be okay,
I hope.

Watch me drown
Slipping through the icy gray water,
Drifting down
I blow ethereal bubble out from between my lips
They shimmer in the moon’s shaky light
Shine bright like stars about to nova
Explode*
I tremble in this underwater surreality
Colors fade from my eyes
I can feel my fingertips turning blue
I can feel my lips losing their pink
I can feel the numb,
Creeping through my skin and
Burrowing into my bones
Reflex, inhale
Breathe in the water
Lungs full of water
I sink
My body shivers, shakes with the tremors
The terror of the death throes
I can see the shadow things
The ones who pushed me off the edge
They locked my arms behind me
and sent me spinning off the edge
To land in the moonlit water
With just a simple splash
They laugh as I sink, and pucker their lips
I feel them pressing against me,
Inhaling my soul
The icy numb surrounds my heart,
And then I am no more.