in that pounding rush,
that blinding flash,
you hushed the world
into surrounding silence.
as if all the light inside me
found amplification in you
and i found in you
something that was the same shape and sound
of the emptiness in my arms
that resides in the darkness
of countless sleepless nights.
i search everywhere for just a glimpse of you,
each passing glance small respite
to slake my ever thirsty eyes
as my hands itch to tangle themselves in your hair
and feel the softness of your lips with my own
because as much as this emptiness wounds me,
i see the scars this silence has wrought upon your heart
and i am ashamed of my complicity in their creation
i have not earned absolution for my selfishness
i know this heartache is self inflicted.
this ache in my chest would not exist
if i did not feed it fairy tales of forever in your eyes.
but your words are like fire in my veins
and lightning through my heart
when you speak of love
i may go mad when you speak of love!
when i am left, as ever before,
in a place of wanting and waiting,
longing for the searing sting
of a flame that is not mine
and never was meant to be
but it is the only time that i truly feel awake and alive
because i burn for you like a beacon in the night
holding my torch aloft
ever heedless of your unseeing eyes
i want to know what it’s like to dance with you.
to move as one
allowing the music draw us closer
with the gravity of the groove we’re cutting
i want to feel the warmth of your body
come in contact with mine
as we push the boundaries
that always seem to dissolve
on the dance floor.
i want feel your hips swivel
in the palms of my hands
as your breath dances across my neck,
your lips brush across my ear
as you lazily spin lyrics aloud in time
and lean your head into mine
feeling and knowing each beat
melting into me
the sound is tangible,
thick in the air
pressing into every open space
with the sweet vibration of melody.
I raise my gaze
to the blazing hot amber lights
and throw my head back
feeling beads of sweat
trail down the back of my scalp
into the collar of my shirt
note after note is ripped from my chest
I squeeze my lids shut
and I feel
where the music wants to go -
where it needs to go
where I helplessly follow.
in the throes of song
exhaustion in the creases of my collar
fatigue in my carelessly tied shoes
sleeplessness in slowed speech
stretched to translucence
my heart simply ceases to beat
i am fashioned from the hearts that have touched my own
built from the briars of broken promises and dreams deferred
a sum of the wisdom of wending witticisms of those who have come before
you are all a part of me
but if we are but travelers here then let us share each dip and bend
let us write the story of our lives in the ink of inspired illumination
and the parchment of the memories mirrored in many hearts
and revel in the laughter and glory in the sadness that life brings
worn, well loved pages of books yearn for her touch
and the words themselves long for her tender gaze .
tea cups count the seconds until her lips are pressed to them
while firelight flares to lasciviously lick her skin at her passing.
clothes cling and caress like a lover when music moves her
light bends as the whole universe cleaves to her, and so do i.
it wasn’t supposed to be like this, love.
captivated from the moment i first saw you
i wanted only to show you things you’ve never seen before
to be a conduit of light and music
illuminating the shadows that cloaked life’s uncertainty
filling the quiet spaces between one moment and the next
with songs that only you could inspire.
but i became devoted to the moment and not the journey
and my greedy heart allowed lapses and transgressions
because it meant that i still bore a special place in your life.
heedless of consequence i held on too tightly
and now all i own are a thousand hollow apologies
for i have squandered the gift of you in my life
and have destroyed what once was
the most beautiful thing in my universe
and remember the way the world was –
when the weightless wonder of clouds
was magic beyond your ken.
when fireworks were tiny exploding suns
pure fey fire from across the night sky.
when hope was a kite string in your hand
thirsty for the stirring of a soaring wind.
when love was more than this ache
smoldering hollowly and unanswered in us all.
you are required
to exist within the strictures of reason
and think in lines and squares
you are required
to wake at a certain hour
and appear at an appointed place
you are required
to grin and bear dreams deferred
for marginal mediocrity
the teeming torrent of passion
that drives discovery of the sublime
the burning rebirth of a thousand suns
torches in the night of new dreams
the promise of wild lascivious eyes
and the whipping wind of desire
i require you
staying stationary with my window on this world
as travelers with their treasure troves
carry on casual conversations
with passing strangers perched on stools
in meeting places of fabricated intimacy
where one's life story is the only unattended baggage
with the self they are trying to shed
and the self they want you to believe them to be
every story becomes glossed with a sheen
of overstated oppulence
as the everyday becomes epic
and the mundane larger than life
as lies, like departure times slip easily
behind tired eyes and rumpled clothing
what is the distinction
and world weary
in the night the clock in the kitchen is deafening
it is the sound of time marching on,
of morning turning to night,
and the inexorable motion of the earth
as it spins it's way through the universe
one small measurement of moment at a time.
it is the metronome to my dance of days.
my weary eyes pass over my glowing screen a last time
before i trade in my loneliness for sleep
and my gaze moves to the empty spot
beside me on the couch.
my hand grazes the cushion
where you should be
as i whisper to you
in the silence
even though you are miles away.
i miss you.
I'm really not at work right now.
I'm really not.
instead as my body feigns the motion of purposeful key strokes
and as my mouth forms the shape of requisite responses to work place witticisms,
I'm really in bed with you
feeling the curve of your body fit against mine,
watching your chest rise and fall slowly in that moment right before you awake.
I love to look at you in the soft glow of the shuttered window
peacefully slumbering in my arms
as I brush my lips across your cheek
feeling thrills steal over the length of my body
when a sleepy smile turns up the corners of your mouth
as I kiss you awake.
all at once my
hands are gliding over your smooth skin,
lightly tracing the softest parts of you,
memorizing the feel of your body beneath my fingertips.
even as you drowse,
your hips rock gently against mine
echoing in steady rhythm
my own need to hold you closer and closer still.
quiet nights like this you should be here with me.
filling the air with your brand of hysteria.
my hands restless in the knowledge that we’re finally together again
eyes thirsty to take in every breathtaking inch of your countenance.
you should be making my breath catch
with every heart wrenching second
lost in the eye contact that we can barely stand
burning me with every smoldering smirk you send my way
instead we’ll sit in our respective residences.
bodies instinctively facing each other across all these miles.
and when we meet again,
after our requisite hellos and how-are-yous
our polite smiles and pleasantries will belie
the shared memory of the way you felt in my arms,
laughter shaking your body in silent mirth
as you listened to my nervous heartbeat that night.
the sea surges beneath the pier
I feel the subtle rocking
of the weathered wood
as it creaks in slow surrender
to the tremulous tide
I am reminded how powerless I was
amidst the swirls and eddies
of your fathomless kiss.
i can feel the ground beneath my feet.
the terrain muffled by the soles of my shoes,
the even hardness of pavement
gives way to soft padding of shoed feet on grass.
i pass cities and traverse eons in a single stride,
hoping every step takes me closer
to where i’ve always needed to be.
but how will i know when i belong?
too long i’ve spent out of phase,
oscillating extremes of too much or not quite enough
to finally feel like i’ve arrived.
ever in search for a harmony to a tune not yet written,
i walk on
it’s been a long day.
i’ve flown over imaginary borders that separate one set of laws from another,
barriers that bind governance to geography and blue state from red.
i’ve been awake for far too long, trading in one sunrise for another sunset
in a place I’ve never been in search of memories that have not been made
and songs yet written.
just this side of sanity I stand in the shoes of the stubborn,
staving off sleep for just one more second of the day from a sun already spent
and a night run ripped and ragged.
my eyes scream for slumber and my mind reaches for unconsciousness.
i am here.
sheltered under strange sky I am here.
thinking of you.
thinking of what I would say if you were here.
and the thrilling sensation I feel,
the anticipation of someday having the courage
to take you in my arms,
keeps me awake.
dreaming of a reality where you are warm and soft against me
with your hands in my hair
and the pressing softness of your mouth on my skin
i feel the cliff crumble slightly under my shoes
as the spray from the ocean thundering below
climbs on thermals blowing the hair out of my face.
my bones know the distance that spans
between my human fragility
and the sharp black rocks below hidden by the roiling surf
and for a moment i want to surrender to it all
give myself to sea
let my blood mingle with the saline vastness
and become part of something bigger,
better than what my life could ever be.
but i rock back on my heels and the earth welcomes me
i feel my roots pulse with life and connection
and the coldness that had seeped into my veins flees
burned away with the wildfire of the sunset
i feel a hand on my shoulder turning my attenion
understanding flows in a single look from an old friend
and we make our way back home.
she is asleep or close to it
the music pulses gently in this cramped space
but there is enough room in here
to see the worry
fade from her features
leaving in its place
in her quiet countenance.
the dance of desire is dizzying.
i spend my days,
drained and distant from waking nights spent
willing you next to me.
willing the weight of your hand
pressing softly into mine.
i think about what your mouth would taste like
can we keep orbiting around each other so?
you, the fire fluttering at the edge of existence
i, ever vigilant for the sign of spark
i wonder if you would let me want you
i wonder if you already do.
we are all broken in one way or another, are we not?
in varying states of disrepair
we gather ourselves up,
shard by jagged shard
a new likeness of ourselves -
fractured then mended each time
a lifetime of reconstructed hearts.
it’s all i can do to keep my distance
when your words, in echoed time and harmony with my own,
send shockwaves to the center of my heart
cutting to the core of me in a delicious melting way
because i can’t breathe when you look at me
when our eyes arc electric, and the fire in your stare
robs me of my senses
and beckons me closer one shy smile at a time
my tongue refuses to be stilled
when it longs to regale you with resounding refrains
of how achingly beautiful you are
and how your smile makes my pulse rush in my veins
so i won’t stop listening to the spaces in between your speaking
looking to find in unspoken concert,
reflected wonder at the warp and weft of my woven words
and the silent serenade, that we -in love- are meant to be
it’s quiet in the night.
blanketed by silence my mind wanders without bounds
over moonlit miles
unfettered by time and distance
to concentrate on a single point of a beating heart.
just knowing that it exists settles me
and i rest easier knowing that maybe -
my flying consciousness is met halfway in the night sky
and dances with yours under the cold vigilance
of stars burning years ago,
their light on their own journey toward us,
bathing us in the other worldly glow
of shared dreaming
for the same unknown.
wrapped in shadows,
who are you when the light of day evaporates
and the cool evening air
beckons you to run recklessly
under the moonfire sky?
what does the midnight stillness stir in you?
does it beg for the search
of a new beginning somewhere,
a budding, brash adventure
before the break of day?
for the night carries me echoes
of your trailing laughter
streaming out behind you on the wind
as you run forever
just outside the edge of my sight.
with windowed soul and beheartéd sleeve i bare my thoughts to you
and paint my face and eyes with words that you could see me through
would it be that you echoed silent longing for me too –
that you could feel me reaching out across the page
we’re not destined to walk this road though i can’t begin to know
that such passing contact and few shared words could steal my dreaming so
and when you left i searched for ways to stop your turn to go
i almost didn’t catch your name
and as the world corporeal demands my top of mind
i search the seas for trace of you that i will never find
but this heart inside my chest still yearns for yours in kind
it is confounding in its ferocity
if we should ever meet again, whether in dreams or reality
you should know that your existence in this world has made its mark on me
and in my gaze that lasts too long, in that moment you will see
i’ve been yours all along
allow me to capture the way your eyes sparkle in song
to gather into melody, the way you move when you dance
because i would have the world know in symphonic certainty
that my life was once filled with the music of you in my arms
i stand by as the world trips over itself to fall in love with you -
for i know what it’s like to stand by you
for just one measure in the melody of this score.
it’s like a lifetime of sunshine falling upon me all at once
and even now thousands of miles away
i see the trails of your brilliance when i close my eyes.
the sunset holds no power over me
there is no solace in dreaming
for when the velvet night unfurls
I’m left here - waiting, wanting, burning.
— The End —