You are head on knees
arms 'round legs
tears on jeans.
You are sleepless nights
restless dread
dang'rous dreams.
You close the book
and come unhinged
to see it shut.
You light the candle
and stare until
you burn it out.
You are torn out hair
empty glass
bloodshot eyes.
You are fading thin
losing faith
no surprise.

I dreamed I was
on your couch
and you gave me
that white blanket
I love and you
played with my
fingers and kissed
me on my temple
just like always
and your eyes
did that little
crinkly thing I
look forward to
when you laugh
and you said,
"I've missed you
so much."
And I woke up
and reached out
to find you, but
I found I was
in my own bed
in my own room
in my lonely apartment.
I don't want to go
back to sleep.

Sleepless, lonely nights
Full of anxiety and fear
Of nothing

I don’t know what to do anymore?
Where do I go when no matter where I turn I disappoint someone?
I hurt someone?
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be content and safe.
Why is it handed so easily to those who take it for granted?
I wanna wake up in the morning and wonder what good lies ahead instead of fearing what shoe is left to fall today.
Im tired of always having to prepare myself for the bad to come and to be the one to pick up the pieces.
For once I wanna be the irresponsible one who gets to wreak havoc and not suffer any consequences.
I don’t wanna worry about failing.
About disappointing.
I fear the happiness I crave so badly.
Happiness for me never brings anything but double the madness I already had before.
The madness that ensues always insures that I regret that shred of happiness I felt just that blink before.
A blink.
That’s all it ever seems to be.
I look around and see happy little families wander around all day.
I help to create the memory that 20 years from now just may end up to be one of the most cherished memories of said family.
Meanwhile I look out at them with rage, jealousy, lust, envy, and most of all sadness.
Once upon a time that was my family.
If I had only known then what I know now I would have closed myself off to the happiness.
Why is it no matter how hard I try its not good enough.
Im not good enough.
I want such simple things in life.
A family to call my own.
To cherish and preserve the way I wish those around me would have cherished and most of all preserved mine when I was younger.
To feel safe, warm, and content.
To feel like I made something of myself.
Something to be proud of.
Something those around me could be proud of.
Meanwhile there are a million people in life handed these opportunities and waste them.
Take them for granted, wishing it all away.
Never knowing how suffocating what they are wishing for feels or how lucky and valuable what they are wishing away is.
Never realizing how much they should be cherishing the security they have been granted is.a
Oh well I know im doing the best I can.
Question is is it enough to get me to where I wanna be or am I doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again?
And if that may be the case will I ever figure out what I did to deserve such cruelty?

your bones were breaking and you called it love. the life leaked out of your wide grey eyes and your hands trembled and you said it was safe. her foot held you underwater and your lips formed poems of devotion.

i saw the bruises.

i saw the signs.

every time i saw you i read the screams for help between your silences but nothing could keep you away from her. like moth to flame, your wings were singed as you flew into the one thing that could **** you, the one thing you found so impossible to leave.

your mouth was full of sobs but you couldn’t spit them out.

three months and too many scars later you tore out of her hands, leaving blood and skin behind in her claws. you had to leave behind chunks of yourself but you were free. the flame was extinguished and nothing tethered you to the broken-hearted love you had grown to crave

You spin a lovely story
A web made out of silk
Full of fictitious behavior
But
Do you ever feel the guilt?
Do you ever see the blood, or the tears that you have spilt?
You feed off happiness
And leave people alone in the blackness
You are your own fears
And my very worst nightmare..