"just undress here, and put on this gown"
i stripped myself bare
soul on display
i put on the flimsy blue material
my back peeking through the slits

im led to a bed
and suddenly im being pushed away
away from my mother
away from everyone

they didnt even let me kiss her goodbye

im wheeled through metal doors
everything reeks of bleach
the type of squeaky clean that burns your nose

we stop
a pass is fumbled with
"surgical hall: authorised personnel only"
the light goes green
"access granted"

the doors hit my bed with a bang as i am pushed through them
blinded by the bright lights
4 of them, surrounding a table

a 'bed'
but really just a thin mattress
propped onto a high metal table

there are people in green robes
with masks covering all but their eyes
they stand, waiting

im laid down
and suddenly i feel a strap
across my legs
across my torso
"its just so you don't move around during the surgery"

i nod, silent
my heart in my mouth
my hand is grabbed
and i see a needle

"this will hurt okay?,
i close my eyes
as they try to locate my vein
nope, again
i **** a breath in as i feel metal in skin
an iv drip hooked to a clear drug

my dressing gown is fondled with
my chest bare
i feel the cold tip of a marker
a hand tracing
x marks the spot, right?

my head feels light
and i feel fear in my bones
i think of your face
i think of you, red

suddenly there is someone above me
"breathe in deep"
a mask is lowered onto my face
in slo-mo it seems;
probably just my mind playing tricks on me

i breathe in
at first everything is fine
then it starts to burn
the air flow changes
anaesthetia
it burns my nose
i don't want to breathe
it hurts
but i must

i think of you
and i inhale
i feel a tear
escaping either sides of my eyes

i see a nurse notice
and i hear her voice, fading
"its okay"
my vision goes black

it hurt too much to bear

i feel for a blade
hidden in a trusted place

i felt it on my wrist
cold and sharp
thirsty

i feel my tongue under my fingertips
as i went deeper
purging

i felt both my hands
knuckles deep in my hair
pulling

then i felt nothing

nothing but a stinging wrist
a burning throat
and a sore scalp

but at least my soul was numb

for now.

i always had a feeling
that i would die young
i brushed it off as paranoia
just my mind being dumb

but here i lie
3am in a cold bed
my body lacking warmth
my head not in the right place

i feel it, a lump
something that shouldn't be there
its painless, and silent
but still an invader in my chest

"go get it checked out"
you said, with an indifferent gaze
then changing the subject
death a topic far from your daze

would you be sad?
or was i always a waste of space
one more mouth to feed
a body to accommodate

would anyone care?
would anything be said?
"she just got a scholarship!
oh what a waste"

i can't help but think
that my bed has been made
and what awaits me,
isn't a friendly fate

for all i've done
on this temporary earth
was sin my soul away
since the day of my birth

i am afraid of what's to come.

it aches
a hurt so deep
i feel it within

it starts as a slow numb
spreading over my beating heart

then it flips
constricting me
tighter

till its hard to breathe
till i can't see anything but a steady stream

it burns me
my skin torn
my bruises worn

i did this to myself
i fell in love
with a boy who is incapable of loving anyone back

you pull out your phone
and my eyes cant help but wander

i see her name
and hers
and hers
and hers

4 other girls
all lost in daydreams
thinking they have a chance

i am lost still
even if i know of their existence
i know you like me best
tell me you like me best, please

you talk to me more than you do with them
i know you better than they ever will

you talk to me about things they would be bored of hearing
but i listen.
i listen and i adore

i adore the way your eyes light up
when you talk about things you love

oh how i wish
i was one of those things

but at least
at the very least
i am closer to being one of the things you love, closer than them at least

or am i?