time passes by more slowly when you're not around, and I cannot fathom why
maybe it's because when I'm missing you, I spend so much time thinking about the little things
like the way your hair falls when you're sleeping next to me, and the sparks I feel when our fingers collide briefly, and it's enough to drive my head into a spin
I fall into a world where time ceases to exist, and in that world I'm surrounded by you and all the little things that make me fall deeper, and when I leave I feel sadder than I did before
because you aren't there,
and the hours in my head were minutes in real time, and it's going to be so much longer until I see you again
I count down the days and the minutes and the seconds
I count up the ways I could tell you how I feel
but the moment I see you every ounce of common sense escapes me
and I've left myself at a dead end, because I'm only your friend, and nothing more
I've allowed myself to fall into a place that I never wanted to be, and when I'm lying next to you, you don't care, but when you're lying next to me, the world seems more colourful, and I don't feel as dark, my mind feels alive but my body is paralysed by the feel of your breath on my neck

I sleep a lot more now, because being awake is harder without you around

my lips are quivering
so desperate
to feel you
against me

your voice is
filling my head
and your heart
filling my chest

your silky fingertips
flowing over my soul
your mind working
in harmony with mine

if I think hard enough
and delve beyond the intoxication
of that friday night I can still remember
how your lips felt pressed against my own
and how your hands felt on my body
and how it felt to be tangled together
the clumsy mouths and stumbling hands
and
I fell for you
hard

I thought I knew addiction
when I turned 16,
I was forced into smoking
left craving it's feel

I thought I knew addiction
when I first felt the pleasure
of losing 2 lbs
and skipping my dinner

I thought I knew addiction
when I first sipped alcohol
left wanting more
feeling like a fool

but I only knew addiction
when I met you
when you held me in your arms
and told me not to let go

why in the world
would I want to let go
when the moment we pulled away
I would be left needing more?

I knew of no addiction
until you held my hand tight
told me that you loved me
in the dead of night

I am left now
confused and alone
lost without you
because you were my home

and I still desire you even now
but my heart is in tatters
and my mind is in two

the only reason
i ever submitted
to all of your childish needs
was because i was alone
vulnerable and broken
and in need of a hand to hold
and the fact it just happened to be you
that tripped me up
along the path to recovery
is the only reason
i will ever look back
upon my past and frown

sometimes i wish i had people to talk to
about what goes on inside my head
but then i remember i’m overtly content
with living inside my own mind
without the need for interruptions
caused by other human beings,

because i’ve come to learn
through the experiences of others
that when you let people in
you are letting them drag you down
with the weight of their being
on top of your own

I want to know you and the way
your mind spins out of control almost
every day, and the way that the tides
dance in your eyes and the way your lips
hover above mine, just slightly

leaning in for that one last kiss
and for the first time
after all of this
I will know you - in the final possible moments
that I will ever have the chance to

I wish I could tell you how
you make me feel
like ten thousand stars
are nothing compared to your eyes

and I wish I had the capability
to describe the butterflies
that occupy the entirety of my tummy
whenever you are around

I want to be able to let you know
that your smile brings sunshine
to the stormiest of days
and the darkest nights, alone

I want to tell you how I feel
when your arms wrap around me
keeping me safe from a world
of nothing but false love

I wish you loved me
like I loved you

love is a storm at sea
leaving me lost and alone
surrounded by something
I thought would never hurt me

and your cyanide lips
burnt in a way
that I could never resist
addictive wounds, inflicted by you

love is a quest of who can win
your heart first
me or him?
I'm losing, I'm falling behind

love is a game of how many
can you lead victim
to your locked up heart
    but open lips

so free willed, so meaningless
each kiss to you
is nothing more
than brushing skin

each kiss to me
is a painful sin
like letting myself in
to Hell's open door

it is like opening the walls of my heart
making myself your willing victim
allowing you to make your way
and tear out all my vital veins

so that I feel nothing
nothing but you
inside of my heart, blood and being
but that's nothing new

your nonchalant ways
are driving me insane with
sadness, happiness and jealousy
and rage

the rage and fire of your being
the only thing that occupies
my mind and my heart
and I will tell you just one more thing

I wish I was inside of you too

We were both drunk
I know
and you said it was all as friends
but you knew I already loved you

You kissed me
you held me close to you
and even in my most vulnerable state
still all you did
was hold me in your arms
until the intoxication passed

Your lips touched mine
and it threw me into the deep end
"Just friends" you repeated
over and over
but I was so enthralled by you

I still am

but we're only friends

all I feel now
is happiness

sorrow has escaped my soul
and the bad energy has left me

I am here now with a smile
ever so wide, gracing my face

and the scars on my body
to show that I am a survivor

and life will always
get better

just hold onto hope
and believe

I kissed you under the hot sun
              (I was surprised you let me)
your lips felt like ice
they were so cold and numb
I wanted to bring you back to life
             (back from the frozen desolate world you resided in)
but I couldn't
and no matter how hard I tried
to bring back the lights in your eyes
and the feeling in your lips
the touch of your light fingertips
and the beat of your cold heart

there was an arctic storm
deep in the midsts of your
eyes
lungs
veins
fingertips
lips
mind
heart
                                  you were so long gone
                                  nothing could save you
                                  from the heartbroken mess
                                  you had now become

the way that the morning air
kissed your skin before i had
                               the chance
and the way that your lips
tasted so sweet
but not bitter
just perfect
and your hands
in my hair and
our legs entwined
and the                              beauty
of knowing that you were
all mine even
just
for
a night

one day
can we live in an old cottage
in the middle of an imaginary lake
a land made of clouds
where forests shade me
and the moon illuminates my way
where the sun shines almost as bright as your eyes
let me braid your hair
and hold your hand
allow me to show you around the skies
allow me to show you inside of my mind

please, may I hold your hand
and steal a kiss from your chapped lips?

your lipstick
leaving
crimson scars
upon my
soul

and branding
the hue
of your mouth
into my
heart

Sitting
Drowning oneself in ***** and ****
To douse the flames
Of a scarred and broken
Burning heart
Never really was the best way
To help mend a tattered heart but
I'll take what I can
Because it's seemingly just
As dangerous to fall in love
And **** up your heart
With provisional love
As it is to **** up your liver
With temporary happiness
All the same thing
Really

you only loved me
when the moon was high
         (and you were, too)
and the stars in your eyes
shone so bright
but not because of me

I have memorised the way
that your lips move
to the doleful tune of
I love you
the bitter taste
on your tongue
leaving a sour aftertaste
in my mind

my life so far
it has been spent as a codependant child

I have never been satisfied without the approval
of a parent, a friend, a lover or a foe

I have been somewhat unable to do anything
for myself, by myself

but that is okay
I am 16 years, 1 month, and 5 days old

I have learnt now
     my happiness does not depend on anybody but myself
     I will not allow myself to feel sad over things that will not matter in
     -24 hours
     -7 days
     -4 weeks
     -a year
     I seek to satisfy nobody but myself, those that I love and those that are important
     I am and will always be the primary source of my joy
I was born alone, I will die alone
that is not sad
that is the truth
after everything, I will have nobody but myself
and that is okay

rose petals grazed your cheeks
and daisy chains were woven into your hair
and your lips were stained as red as cherrys
and you looked happy
but on the inside you were dying

you were crying so much inside of your head
but on the outside you smiled
your lips bright still
and you wanted to cry, to let it all out
but that would ruin the façade and the mascara you'd put on

because the world didn't see how broken
you were
all they saw was the pretty girl with no troubles at all
and now you're gone, forever and ever
because the monsters in her head finally got her

you still appear in my deepest dreams
or nightmares, either way it is put
you still remain in slithers and cracks
in the darkest parts of my mind

to peek through a door left slightly ajar
even though you know that nothing good can come
was what it was like to know you
to say it was love, would be too dense, naive

with no form of closure
comes a means of keeping me trapped
and although the smiles that adorn my face are true
so are the night terrors, that all involve you.

i wish to become one
with the deepest and bluest sea
i want it to carry me away
to the lands that exist only
in my troubled mind
i would cease to suppress
my unspoken fantasies
and live in harmony
in this realm of the
non existent

I met you and I saw
brighter parts of the world
everything I looked at
was more vibrant
your eyes gave me a new sense of vision
and life was easy
the clouds always parted for me to see the Sun
the Moon always shone,
bright enough to encase me in her love
(as though I needed it anyway, with you there)
but when you left
so did my light
my saving grace
and all that was right
the water which used to be
the bluest of blues, infinite and beautiful
was nothing more than a place
to fill with tears, tainted by mascara
as grey as my life had surely become
and morning strolls
were torturous
the sharp fresh air was no longer refreshing
it felt like daggers
plunhing into my chest with every breath I took
reminding me that I am alive
and living a life without you

But the storms passed and the days grew brighter once more
and I am more than you and more than us
and I began to see the Sun and the Moon
shining for me once again
and I took in their love and life
I breathed in the morning air that made me feel alive
and it made me realise what I am

I am stardust and moonlight
I am the sun shining through the dull sky
I can grow flowers from my skin
I can fix the world for myself
and heal my own soul
and I am what I need to carry on in this life

Alone or together
I am all that I need

"please don't think I'm crazy"* you said to me, with a horror on your face,
                                                                ­           that words can't describe
why in the world would I think that?
                      "sometimes I feel, like my bones are fake, and the structure that I am, will soon surely break
                         and all that will be left is a soul and a broken heart, never pieced together right, as it was
                         broken from the start."
I stay silent. You continue
                      "the human form feels so weak, it feels like a densely packed piece of nonsense, where my
                        mind is a fragmented puzzle, bursting at the seams, and then girls like you come along
                        girls like you that make me weak at the knees, and I wonder if my heart is overpowering
                        my endless thoughts of despair and weakness and lack of hope and I realise that maybe
                        if I can't save myself, then in this infinite universe of unanswered questions and unknown
                        possibilities and piles and piles of doubt that add up like the ***** laundry, well maybe
                        if I can't save myself, you can save me"
we both cried, and I held you, and I knew that if you thought you were insane, then I must be too, I told you I felt the same, I let you save me, now it is my turn to save you

one day
one day, somebody will fall irrevocably in love
with the clumsiness of your limbs
and your uneven fringe
and the way that no matter what may burden you
you plaster a smile upon your lips
the way that you stay up
until 3 am
reading a novel that has you hooked
almost as hooked as you are to them
someone will fall in love
with your scars from the past
and the way that sometimes the world is too harsh
and you can't hold back the tears
and you won't have to
not any more
the way that pastel swirls of moonlight
are your only road to comfort
and the way that one day
in the rarest of moments
you might tell them
that you love them

I'm holding on too tight
and I can't let go
I hold onto your heart
and I hold onto the smile
that graced your lips
after we kissed
but you regret everything
now we're back to our harsh realities
and although it's been months
my desperate lungs
are still screaming out for you
to hold me once more
under one more full moon
on the darkest of all the nights
to tell me you love me
one last time

I sat in the middle of
the cold stone floor
and I imagined I was
somewhere
more tranquil

a place that I
could be
h a p p y
and a place
that I could finally
                                    smile

a peaceful place
free from the pressures
my mind brings me
free from                                life
and
from love and pain
and hurting
a place

that was so perfect
I had to come back
to Earth
because I am flawed
entirely
and I do not belong
in such an absolute place

I am not
                *w
                    o
                      r
                        t
                          h
                            y

it's difficult to explain the inner workings of your mind
when you feel like you're living your entire life
floating through time, not exactly here
but not sure where

conversations consist of incoherent thoughts and words
nothing strings together quite like it used to
poetry isn't an outlet anymore
it's a way of ensuring words won't fail me all the time

feeling let down by my own dissonance
the inside of my head isn't in tune with the outside of my head
my thoughts don't match my actions
my words don't fit with my thoughts

mental illness or drugs? or what?
I don't know anymore, I'm not sure I ever really did
I can't get a grip on the world, and my thoughts betray me
as I'm screaming my favourite songs from the top of my lungs

I say what I mean but don't mean what I say, was I right no?
no
can't connect to the music like I used to
can't feel in the way that I want to

numb to everything outside of my mind
can't find my bearing outside of my mind
safer inside than outside my mind
can't get away from the thoughts plaguing my mind
stuck inside

she looked deep into the eyes
of a boy whom she knew
would never be hers
         'never in a million years' she was told
and she knew that this was true
but her eyes would not falter
her gaze could not move
and there was something about this boy
            that she admired so truly
            and so deeply
and her mind could not begin
to fathom what it was
it was incomprehensible
and it broke her down
into the tiniest shards
of confusion and admiration

the pools of blue in this boys eyes
were like endless oceans
of pure wonder
and thoughts so intricate
no mind could decode
the secrets of the waters
that lie behind those irises

It felt as though her body was an ocean, and despite her petite size, she held the power of a thousand men. Sometimes it would wash over your own body so peacefully, so daintily, you could never be sure if you had felt it at all. You could never be sure she had ever really been there at all. The only evidence that remained of her presence was the tingling feeling you always felt after she had left. Always. Besides that there was nothing, as a being so seemingly magical as herself would leave you in a daze, a daydream, wishing she might return, but you could never be sure of that, either. She left you feeling cleansed, renewed, like the world could never hurt you or taint you again. Almost as though each and every drop of water on the planet had submerged you, with no intention of letting you free. But did you even want to escape? Of course not.

Sometimes she was too much to handle, a tidal wave of fury and rage and angst, but mostly compassion. She felt empathy towards all the souls she encountered and would love every living creature with a heart so large I wasn’t sure it could fit inside her tiny ribcage. The force of the waves she threw upon you were too much to withstand, and she would send the breath from your lungs and leave stars in your eyes and a feeling of disorientation. You felt euphoric, a unique kind of high that no chemically encrypted drug could ever bring you close to. And you felt the comedown too. You felt it stronger than a drug induced comedown could ever force. You missed her with every aching bone in your body and your heart felt like it was a time bomb set to explode, triggered by her.

She would always take your breath away. She removed the air from your lungs and replaced it with her own. Your breaths, she fashioned into words. Words of love, and romance, and wisdom. Words of lust. The things she desired most but would never be attainable from other beings so simplistic in comparison. Nobody ever really asked why she did this, but nobody ever really wanted to. The curiosity sent you to madness at night, spending each and every darkened hour awake, with questions that felt as though they burnt holes in your brain. Nobody ever wanted to ask her. They were curious, yes. But the fear of becoming the moon to the sea and driving in the tidal waves outweighed the yearning for knowledge. This is rare within humankind, as the thirst for knowledge is unstoppable. Always wanting more.
More, more, more.
She had control over us, and we didn’t mind one bit.

I want to run away
to escape the trivial doings of everyday life
the same routine
every
single
day
I just want to escape
to a land so far away
and be free

To be able to love the world
the grass
the sky
the sun
the moon
the stars
                  the simple beauties of nature

to be able to love those things
so simple
so pure
so alluring

to be set free of the boundaries set
by rules
and laws
and society

to finally be
                            f   r     e         e

I would no longer be restricted
or judged
or held back

and my future
it would truly be
in my own hands
and I could do as I please

a free soul
wandering the Earth
with nothing to stop me

not having to follow
the same old routine
                                        go to school, then university, then get a good job that you hate, get married                          
                                         buy a nice house and car, be miserable, be boring
I can live my own life
as I really want to

I can be at one
with the planet

The Moon's child
the stars       dancing by my side
the milky way swirling around me, a staircase to forever
The Sun holding my hand
                palms sweaty with apprehension
the grass my blanket
the breeze my goodnight kiss

a simple life
fulfilled with simple
yet such extraordinary
desires

your porcelain skin pressed against my soul
your fingertips brushing the outline of my heart
if i let you in
dont hurt me please
i only want the best for you
and for me

smile bright
pretty young girl
smile wide
and dont let the world
bring you down
your fair skin
lights up my life
dont let that light go out

i loved you when you needed to be loved
and i never wanted to leave
but you tore my heart to shreds

goodbye is the most painful word
and the hardest way to break us apart
but i'm  hurting

i can't really stay around you
you're poisoning my soul
and i'd say i'm sorry

but i'm not
so
goodbye

that one song that reminds me of you
it came on the radio a couple of days ago
and I listened to it closely
I memorised the words
and absorbed the music
I let it control my mind
and demolish my bloodstream
because I miss you
and I needed you back somehow
just for a few minutes

rain poured down
at 3am
and all I could do
was smile
and it's true when they say
that it's the little things in life
that bring you real joy
the soothing sound of something else
falling as hard and as fast me

sadness became more like a drug to her
her mind becoming
more and more clouded
with the darkness in her head
and her eyes
looking more lonesome
and desperate
every single day

she would hear the voices
and they told her to do it
they told her to stay this way
they told her she had a choice
eternal sadness
or eternal sleep

she liked the look of the pills
pink and blue and brown
and she liked sleeping a lot
and she found the little pieces of metal
so pretty
and shiny
and bright
            everything she wanted to be
but she didn't understand
what the voices had meant
for she was
far
too
tired
and she couldn't handle being so sad
and so she chose sleep

I am not ready for commitment, or to know
that I am loved, loved in a way
that will lead to spilling of brains
and hearts out of ribcages
opened weak, vulnerable
resulting in hurt and tears

I am not enough at peace with my heart
nor my ability to trust and open up
to have such a permanent placement in my life
I want red lipstick smeared on wine glasses
filled with ***** and whiskey
late nights in warm rooms, too warm
with something funny to smoke
to feel slightly relieved when the boy I kissed
for 3 hours last night, knew I meant nothing to him
as he meant nothing to me
I am not prepared to part
with the "one night only" lovers
and the fun that comes
with being young

to be free, to stay free
a soul that is not ready to be locked away
in exchange of an open cage
for a brittle heart that cracks
under the slightest pressure

stop for a moment

                  awaken at 5 am and listen to the birdsong, their melodies capturing your soul
                  look up at the sky and gaze at the moon in wonder and appreciate it's allure
                  bless each wilting flower you pass and whisper to it's soul, tell it of it's beauty
                  watch as the stars dance
                        s w i r l i n g and s w i r l i n g and s w i r l i n g
                  admire the galaxies as they foxtrot to the sound of a harp
                  whisper back to the spaces inbetween the branches of autumn ridden trees
                
appreciate that which nature has blessed you with
and smile each and every day

Can the rainfall translate into words of love
in the same way your heartbeats always patted
out the same old beat, I love you
I love you too

  Could the wind through the trees
ever whisper as softly as you did at 3 am
when we stayed awake all night just trying
to remain alive?

  The heavy breaths I felt on my chest
before you would awaken and kiss me a little too hard
were always the most calming sounds I believed any
human could make

  The storm clouds don't really exist anywhere
outside of my mind, and the lightning struck lovers
that we always were just had to see the sunrise
one day

your hair runs through her fingers as soft as silk
your body fits with hers like two pieces of a puzzle
but I am not her
you do not love me
and however long I spend
wishing for a small part of your being
to belong to me
I know now
it will never be

I have waited for so long for you to see me
in the way that I see you
because for 459 days (and counting)
you are what is always upon my mind

I put you high
on a pedestal and no matter how hard I try
you will not come down
you will not be replaced
you are prominent in my mind
you are strong and you are fearless
and you will not allow anyone
to take your place
you fight them all off
but why?

I am stuck on you
and you are stuck on her
and you will not let me be free
of your charm and your wit
your blind eyes
see nothing but her
and I see nothing but you

but this is not what saddens me the most

what breaks me down at 3 am
is that you don't even try

you do not try to give me some freedom from your grasp
but you do not want to allow me into your mind
                                                    your thoughts
                                                    your­ ever-precious heart

why do you want me to love you
if you will not love me back?
why does your beaming smile
guide me amidst lonely tracks?
why do you want me
to love you so badly
if you won't even spare me
the time of day
or the place in your mind
in which you lay peacefully in my own
each and every hour
of each and every day?

all that's left of you and I
is the worn out sweater that you left behind
and when I miss you
I throw it over my fragile bones
pretend its you

wrap it round and round and round my body
                          it's huge on me, you know
                          I haven't been eating so much since you've been gone
lonliness           (or maybe insanity)
has driven me to the point
of missing someone
I never even knew