if dandelions sprouted from my chest
and cherry blossoms sprouted from yours
I think the reason we cannot be one
would become evident immediately

I am unwanted,
plucked away and hidden at first sight
left to die, hoping my return never comes
as though I was never there to begin with

you, the weary blossom
showing your face in the smallest intervals
your sighting a blessing, to all that see
leave your adoring fans, wanting more

I wish for more of you too, you know
I yearn deeply, each waking hour
that you would attempt to cover your beauty
                         only temporarily
and I could cover my unsightly anatomy
                         maybe permanently
and we could love one another
for just a day

my heart in your hands
and your hands in my hair
our lips pressed together
your blossoming chest
and my unwanted greenery
no longer in the way
just tickling a little
when our bodies merge as one

rain poured down
at 3am
and all I could do
was smile
and it's true when they say
that it's the little things in life
that bring you real joy
the soothing sound of something else
falling as hard and as fast me

you are scared of recovery, of course you are
your mind tells you that if you get better
the people that feed you attention will leave
don't let that stunt you

at the end of the day, all you have is yourself
nobody else, just you. That seems scary now, doesn't it?
because right now, you are part of a battle between your mind
your heart, your soul, and your wellbeing

take the fear, and the strength you use to battle yourself
use it to battle the demons that crawl through the cracks in your puzzled head
take that burning self-loathing, take it and use it to pull yourself out
away from the black holes in your mind. Your mind, an unsolved puzzle, fix it

the burn marks and the rotting teeth and the scratches on your arm
the protuding ribs and the bruised limbs and the tearful eyes
they do not define you, they are not what makes you the person you are
they will never define you unless you allow them to, and you won't

the fire in your heart that has kept you here until now, and the fight you just can't give up
for the moments you find yourself lost in a daydream of the times ahead when you have esccaped
let those carry you onwards, let the everlasting fires burn brighter than before, and fight
fight harder than you ever have, because this battle will be hard but it can be won

I thought I knew addiction
when I turned 16,
I was forced into smoking
left craving it's feel

I thought I knew addiction
when I first felt the pleasure
of losing 2 lbs
and skipping my dinner

I thought I knew addiction
when I first sipped alcohol
left wanting more
feeling like a fool

but I only knew addiction
when I met you
when you held me in your arms
and told me not to let go

why in the world
would I want to let go
when the moment we pulled away
I would be left needing more?

I knew of no addiction
until you held my hand tight
told me that you loved me
in the dead of night

I am left now
confused and alone
lost without you
because you were my home

and I still desire you even now
but my heart is in tatters
and my mind is in two

love is a storm at sea
leaving me lost and alone
surrounded by something
I thought would never hurt me

and your cyanide lips
burnt in a way
that I could never resist
addictive wounds, inflicted by you

love is a quest of who can win
your heart first
me or him?
I'm losing, I'm falling behind

love is a game of how many
can you lead victim
to your locked up heart
    but open lips

so free willed, so meaningless
each kiss to you
is nothing more
than brushing skin

each kiss to me
is a painful sin
like letting myself in
to Hell's open door

it is like opening the walls of my heart
making myself your willing victim
allowing you to make your way
and tear out all my vital veins

so that I feel nothing
nothing but you
inside of my heart, blood and being
but that's nothing new

your nonchalant ways
are driving me insane with
sadness, happiness and jealousy
and rage

the rage and fire of your being
the only thing that occupies
my mind and my heart
and I will tell you just one more thing

I wish I was inside of you too

all that's left of you and I
is the worn out sweater that you left behind
and when I miss you
I throw it over my fragile bones
pretend its you

wrap it round and round and round my body
                          it's huge on me, you know
                          I haven't been eating so much since you've been gone
lonliness           (or maybe insanity)
has driven me to the point
of missing someone
I never even knew

your lipstick
leaving
crimson scars
upon my
soul

and branding
the hue
of your mouth
into my
heart

you still appear in my deepest dreams
or nightmares, either way it is put
you still remain in slithers and cracks
in the darkest parts of my mind

to peek through a door left slightly ajar
even though you know that nothing good can come
was what it was like to know you
to say it was love, would be too dense, naive

with no form of closure
comes a means of keeping me trapped
and although the smiles that adorn my face are true
so are the night terrors, that all involve you.

if that was love, then I no longer wish to have a heart
I would pull apart my limbs, in attempts to make you happy
and still my heart would remain, despite desperate endeavours
on my part of course, to break it apart, crack it open and set it free

I never knew of the touch of your hands, or your lips against mine
and the feel of my head in the crook of your neck at 3 am
when I felt like I had absolutely nothing left
nothing but you, or so I thought

I didn't know you inside or out, and I no longer wish to now,
I can add you to the infinite list of things that never made sense to me
amongst algebra, and formulae and chemical bonds
comes your name, written in red, then crossed out 10 times
in an attempt to forget

we sang along to Joy Division
and listened to Ian Curtis' voice
spell out the truths of love and life
too afraid to listen
so we smoked a bit more

we got high
very high
we couldn't walk in straight lines
you said your legs were like lava
so we hid away in each others' embrace

he said love will tear us apart
he was right
but I never expected it to be
as blissful as this

Sitting
Drowning oneself in ***** and ****
To douse the flames
Of a scarred and broken
Burning heart
Never really was the best way
To help mend a tattered heart but
I'll take what I can
Because it's seemingly just
As dangerous to fall in love
And **** up your heart
With provisional love
As it is to **** up your liver
With temporary happiness
All the same thing
Really

in some ways I believe
there is a world beyond our own
so much greater
so much more beauty

but then I listen to the raindrops
fall softly against my skin
and watch as the sun climbs out
and the rain and sun come together
            complete opposites
to create the elegance of a rainbow

I watch in awe as fields of rolling bluebells
blow so softly in the breeze
and I listen to the wind
whispering stories to the trees
and the birds chirping back a response

the mystique of the moon and the wonders that it holds
the secrets of women and men that it has never told
I watch as the stars glow softly
thinking that maybe there cannot be a place
even half as beautiful as this

one day
can we live in an old cottage
in the middle of an imaginary lake
a land made of clouds
where forests shade me
and the moon illuminates my way
where the sun shines almost as bright as your eyes
let me braid your hair
and hold your hand
allow me to show you around the skies
allow me to show you inside of my mind

please, may I hold your hand
and steal a kiss from your chapped lips?

loving her was like the first cup of coffee
on a saturday morning
sweet and divine
and nothing short of perfection

it was surrounded by endless birdsong
and delicate snowdrops
and frozen fingertips, clinging to one another
for warmth and protection

the closeness that can only be described
as something that is more extraordinary
than anything in the movies
or your dreams

a sense of belonging that you can't find
anywhere but her
her heart my home and her mind my
safety, away from the harm of the world

a soul so beautiful
my old romantic poetry books couldn't
even begin to compare
to this

she was perfect
                    she is perfect
I loved her
                    I love her

you are the hint of something sweeter
better than this
and more comprehendable
to my sour mind
than anything else
and if nothing else
in these incoherent realms of abstinence
makes any sense to me
but you
then I think
I am afraid

your hair runs through her fingers as soft as silk
your body fits with hers like two pieces of a puzzle
but I am not her
you do not love me
and however long I spend
wishing for a small part of your being
to belong to me
I know now
it will never be

I have waited for so long for you to see me
in the way that I see you
because for 459 days (and counting)
you are what is always upon my mind

I put you high
on a pedestal and no matter how hard I try
you will not come down
you will not be replaced
you are prominent in my mind
you are strong and you are fearless
and you will not allow anyone
to take your place
you fight them all off
but why?

I am stuck on you
and you are stuck on her
and you will not let me be free
of your charm and your wit
your blind eyes
see nothing but her
and I see nothing but you

but this is not what saddens me the most

what breaks me down at 3 am
is that you don't even try

you do not try to give me some freedom from your grasp
but you do not want to allow me into your mind
                                                    your thoughts
                                                    your­ ever-precious heart

why do you want me to love you
if you will not love me back?
why does your beaming smile
guide me amidst lonely tracks?
why do you want me
to love you so badly
if you won't even spare me
the time of day
or the place in your mind
in which you lay peacefully in my own
each and every hour
of each and every day?

I wish you would take me and make me your own
and I wish you and I could run away together
to our own tiny, unknown paradise
a land to call our own and a love to call perfect
me and you, two teenage **** ups with
nothing left but each other
you and me, though young and foolish,
perfect for each other
but our love was always under the weather
we were never going to be perfect
'cause you were never going to be in love
with a shy sad girl who you little acknowledge
but I love you with all of my heart
and I really hope you see that
you blank me out like I am nothing because
that's the honest truth
I really am a nobody to you
but I love you
and that's all that counts
and I hope when you're alone
and you have no one else to think about
I cross your mind
from time to time
and I hope you smile slightly

you don't need a boy
to pick you up when you are down
you have yourself

don't drown yourself
when you know how to swim

stay awake until you are tired
do not force yourself to sleep, or to stay conscious

if someone asks you how your day was
don't lie and say it was good, if it was not
they asked because they care

do not fear the indifference you feel
you are not numb to the whole world and it will pass

don't do anything unless you want to
this goes for ***, school, work and love

nothing in this world comes above your health
if it means failing a test, losing a job, or ending a relationship
do what you must to withhold your wellbeing

all bad things in moderation can be good
moderation is key here

love is never to be feared, nor is it to be abused
love is to be taken when needed
and given back when necessary

nobody can tell you how to live or who to love
nobody but yourself

if that boy you like
asks to take you out on a drive at midnight
and you don't think you can go, do it anyway
but stay safe

face the consequences of all of your actions
with dignity and pride

it's Friday night and the week has been tough
don't give up now
take a sip of  your parents' rosé wine
coat your lips in rouge
and love yourself

It felt as though her body was an ocean, and despite her petite size, she held the power of a thousand men. Sometimes it would wash over your own body so peacefully, so daintily, you could never be sure if you had felt it at all. You could never be sure she had ever really been there at all. The only evidence that remained of her presence was the tingling feeling you always felt after she had left. Always. Besides that there was nothing, as a being so seemingly magical as herself would leave you in a daze, a daydream, wishing she might return, but you could never be sure of that, either. She left you feeling cleansed, renewed, like the world could never hurt you or taint you again. Almost as though each and every drop of water on the planet had submerged you, with no intention of letting you free. But did you even want to escape? Of course not.

Sometimes she was too much to handle, a tidal wave of fury and rage and angst, but mostly compassion. She felt empathy towards all the souls she encountered and would love every living creature with a heart so large I wasn’t sure it could fit inside her tiny ribcage. The force of the waves she threw upon you were too much to withstand, and she would send the breath from your lungs and leave stars in your eyes and a feeling of disorientation. You felt euphoric, a unique kind of high that no chemically encrypted drug could ever bring you close to. And you felt the comedown too. You felt it stronger than a drug induced comedown could ever force. You missed her with every aching bone in your body and your heart felt like it was a time bomb set to explode, triggered by her.

She would always take your breath away. She removed the air from your lungs and replaced it with her own. Your breaths, she fashioned into words. Words of love, and romance, and wisdom. Words of lust. The things she desired most but would never be attainable from other beings so simplistic in comparison. Nobody ever really asked why she did this, but nobody ever really wanted to. The curiosity sent you to madness at night, spending each and every darkened hour awake, with questions that felt as though they burnt holes in your brain. Nobody ever wanted to ask her. They were curious, yes. But the fear of becoming the moon to the sea and driving in the tidal waves outweighed the yearning for knowledge. This is rare within humankind, as the thirst for knowledge is unstoppable. Always wanting more.
More, more, more.
She had control over us, and we didn’t mind one bit.

one day
one day, somebody will fall irrevocably in love
with the clumsiness of your limbs
and your uneven fringe
and the way that no matter what may burden you
you plaster a smile upon your lips
the way that you stay up
until 3 am
reading a novel that has you hooked
almost as hooked as you are to them
someone will fall in love
with your scars from the past
and the way that sometimes the world is too harsh
and you can't hold back the tears
and you won't have to
not any more
the way that pastel swirls of moonlight
are your only road to comfort
and the way that one day
in the rarest of moments
you might tell them
that you love them

tossing and turning
in the deepest hours
of the longest
nights

dreams that can never
come true forever
filling her fragile
mind

clogging up her
restless mind with
false hope and
sadness

clinging onto delusions
that will never be fulfilled
because it's all she has
now

she hangs onto a
promised land that
will simply never
exist

why? because those
desires are the only thing
that can make her
happy

stop for a moment

                  awaken at 5 am and listen to the birdsong, their melodies capturing your soul
                  look up at the sky and gaze at the moon in wonder and appreciate it's allure
                  bless each wilting flower you pass and whisper to it's soul, tell it of it's beauty
                  watch as the stars dance
                        s w i r l i n g and s w i r l i n g and s w i r l i n g
                  admire the galaxies as they foxtrot to the sound of a harp
                  whisper back to the spaces inbetween the branches of autumn ridden trees
                
appreciate that which nature has blessed you with
and smile each and every day

your smile was the only home
that I have ever known
your mind the only place
that I could ever call my own
I built myself on foundations that were made up of you
and when you left me
I was still stuck on you
unable to move

the moon hangs over my head
illuminating all of the black clouds
that are forever looming above me

and I wish that for one night
I could sleep easy
without the nightmares of you

laying down my fragile bones
and wrapping my mind in daisy chains
I hope that maybe this will purify my mind

and so I whispered upon the brightest stars
that I could forget you forever and always
and with that I bid the moon goodnight, hoping to sleep easy

I'm holding on too tight
and I can't let go
I hold onto your heart
and I hold onto the smile
that graced your lips
after we kissed
but you regret everything
now we're back to our harsh realities
and although it's been months
my desperate lungs
are still screaming out for you
to hold me once more
under one more full moon
on the darkest of all the nights
to tell me you love me
one last time

you lie there next to me
we don't speak
we both feel too dizzy
our heads are too light
despite how full they feel
and our eyes are rolling back
into our skulls, trying to read
our own minds
we can't even do that much
we are helpless and intoxicated
my head rolls, too
it always finds its way to your shoulder
no matter how strange I may feel
I never really understood why
until I looked into my heart
and saw nothing,
because my mind was preoccupied
thinking of you

these weekends are getting the better of me
beginning to take their toll on me
starting to make me question things
finishing with thoughts that leave me confused
but I found out one thing
I really like being around you

I want to know you and the way
your mind spins out of control almost
every day, and the way that the tides
dance in your eyes and the way your lips
hover above mine, just slightly

leaning in for that one last kiss
and for the first time
after all of this
I will know you - in the final possible moments
that I will ever have the chance to

I am as pure and divine as God's fallen angel
and my mind runs riots sometimes
I feel the Rogue Creature coarse through my veins
Lucifers being takes hold of my own
leads me down the unforsaken roads
and then I'm left alone
lost in the realms of death and despair
but you know
I'm not religious
and I'm begninning to believe
that all of this is not as it seems
and your declerations of love
mean nothing when they come
from the heart and mouth
of a drunken paramour
and it is apparent only now
that my own personal Hell
has been derived by you
all along

I want to run away
to escape the trivial doings of everyday life
the same routine
every
single
day
I just want to escape
to a land so far away
and be free

To be able to love the world
the grass
the sky
the sun
the moon
the stars
                  the simple beauties of nature

to be able to love those things
so simple
so pure
so alluring

to be set free of the boundaries set
by rules
and laws
and society

to finally be
                            f   r     e         e

I would no longer be restricted
or judged
or held back

and my future
it would truly be
in my own hands
and I could do as I please

a free soul
wandering the Earth
with nothing to stop me

not having to follow
the same old routine
                                        go to school, then university, then get a good job that you hate, get married                          
                                         buy a nice house and car, be miserable, be boring
I can live my own life
as I really want to

I can be at one
with the planet

The Moon's child
the stars       dancing by my side
the milky way swirling around me, a staircase to forever
The Sun holding my hand
                palms sweaty with apprehension
the grass my blanket
the breeze my goodnight kiss

a simple life
fulfilled with simple
yet such extraordinary
desires

I fall in love with boys that I've only known for a night
in badly lit rooms, unfamiliar to me,
with music I've never heard before playing very loud, maybe too much so.

What is so addictive about intoxicating myself, painting my lips red
and brandishing these boys' cheeks, and mouths and tongues
with a shade of lipstick that is maybe too overbearing, and tastes cheap.

All the while they brandish me, with unforgettable eyes, a kiss,
maybe too good to be true, and a personality that soars through the skies
leaving me attached, again, to someone too good for myself.

i wish to become one
with the deepest and bluest sea
i want it to carry me away
to the lands that exist only
in my troubled mind
i would cease to suppress
my unspoken fantasies
and live in harmony
in this realm of the
non existent

i put my trust in you
i wrote it down on a piece of paper
"i love you, i need you, im sorry im fragile"
you tore it up
you ripped me apart
and i can still feel
your breath against my ears
the words escaping your tongue
the harsh phrases
floating among my mind
the sickening riddles
your twisted tongue
you used it all
to tear me apart

your scent lingers, in the way that the moon never rushes to go down in the winter
in the way that it is a beautiful blend of moonlight, lavender, and whiskey
the moon is always beautiful and nobody complains of her presence
the same is said for you

your legs tangle with mine, and it's hard to write this without feeling drowsy
nostalgic for your touch, and your head in the crook of my neck
your hair is always so soft, and so are your lips and I don't know how
but I like the way they tickle my chin

I can feel your fingers, skimming through my hair, hard to the touch
but with softer intentions they do bear, I could say the same for your heart
cold on the outside, a mix of steel and ice, but on the inside is a battle
of brimstone and fire

I think I'm beginning to understand, your smile when you are asleep,
and the reason behind your favourite books and works of art
I think I'm beginning to understand, why love is a term not to be used lightly
and especially not around you

your porcelain skin pressed against my soul
your fingertips brushing the outline of my heart
if i let you in
dont hurt me please
i only want the best for you
and for me

smile bright
pretty young girl
smile wide
and dont let the world
bring you down
your fair skin
lights up my life
dont let that light go out

im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me

wishful thinking of brighter skies
more love, less hate, and calmer tides
not the running water but the waves in my mind
they're crashing again, too hard
tearing apart the walls of my head
breaking it apart into something new

I am enlightened

rose petals
and daisies
twisted around
your heart

cherry blossoms
entwined into
your shattering
soul

the most broken
and corrupted
parts of
you

growing into
something that
is so incredibly
                              
                  beautiful

I wish I could tell you how
you make me feel
like ten thousand stars
are nothing compared to your eyes

and I wish I had the capability
to describe the butterflies
that occupy the entirety of my tummy
whenever you are around

I want to be able to let you know
that your smile brings sunshine
to the stormiest of days
and the darkest nights, alone

I want to tell you how I feel
when your arms wrap around me
keeping me safe from a world
of nothing but false love

I wish you loved me
like I loved you

I feel that the body I have been given is too small
too small for the infinities that my mind and soul create
inside of me every minute, of every day

like my brain is wild with ideas too big
to fit inside their casing
and my body too weak, to hold my thoughts

words do not come easy to me, though not through lack of language.
There is too much inside my head to unscramble the jumbled mess
of words and thoughts and ideas, too strong, too strong for me

this body is weak in comparison to the colours and feelings inside of me
this measly shell, restricting my mind from reaching out
and experiencing the true form of this world, and the next

a flesh encasing that my brain is dependant on, yet what if it were not?
what if my soul was cast adrift with ideas I was not aware had came to exist
what if once my mind was free? what would happen then?

my mind is living somewhere else,
and I think that is where my soul eternally resides
and I will find it one day, one day, one day