i want to fall asleep to the calming melody of your breathing,
i want you to whisper things to me in your deep slumber,
things that you would never say
had you been wide awake,
i want to hear you tell me about all the hidden things
stuck in your mind just waiting to escape
i want you to have some semi conscious trust
to sleepily know that you are telling me these things
and not to be afraid by that, but comforted
by the fact that i'm here and listening
i want you to tell me that you love me
and then as sunrise comes
i want you to awaken me with a kiss
tell me your mind, although slightly drowsy,
is only expressing the simple truths that
the daylight hours find daunting to tell another soul
tell me your heart is consumed by me
and you want me forever
because i want you forever

if my eyes were never meant to see the world
at 6 am, as the sun is rising, and my blood is pumping through my veins
so fast, I feel lightening could be replacing my cells

and if my lips were never supposed to meet yours,
on nights alone, with a lot of fumbling, and suppressed giggles
between words that were worse left unsaid

and if my ears were not placed upon my person, to hear the way
you laugh as I tell you stories, or to listen to you whispering weakened
'I love you's at 3 am

then tell me why I was born unto this Earth at all?

ten thousand ways to confess
how I feel
three little words I can't admit
to you
and these words have graced
the tip of my tongue
a countless amount of times
but the thought of them escaping
my debauched lips
sends shivers down my spine
and I don't think
that I'll ever understand
this whole great concept of love
but on some days I admit
I feel it so strong
like when the snowflakes fall upon your nose
and I kiss them off so lightly
and the way you smile
as the first cup of coffee
graces your elegant lips
and how your eyes light up
when you listen to those songs
                                  our songs
and it's how I feel when I'm with you
I love you

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on
I'm still stuck on you and I never even knew you
I never felt your hand in mine and it's still the only thing I need
I never knew the way your breath warmed the crevices in my neck
and I still wish to know how your lips would feel
pressed to mine, at 3 am when your touch is the only thing
I desire deeply enough to deny myself sleep
I don't know what you meant when you said you couldn't tell me
I didn't understand, and it's been nearly a year,
but I still don't
and sometimes when I look at the grass, and in the sky
and at the bottom of a bottle of cheap *****
I think of you
and I think of how you left
and I think of how much I still can't comprehend
and I had no closure
and you didn't care
no closure
no closure
no means of explanation
just a body that I never knew
and a pair of hands that float in thin air
and arms that will not hold me in 5 years
when I'm still unstable thanks to my first love

it wasn't enough to hear you say that you love me,
I needed proof, hard proof, evidence
that a being like yourself even had a heart inside that skeletal cage,
does it beat? Or just lay still
like your body when you're beside me.

I know you don't love me any more,
your heart stopped beating at least 3 months ago
and before that I have a feeling it was black, and cold as ice, anyway

you'd beg for kisses, and more, and tell me you love me
as you collapsed in a heap next to me
but never on me, there was always distance between us
even when we should be the closest one human can get to another

but I felt the space between us, turn from a crack, to a gaping hole
you never told me you loved me when I kissed you, or when I had to blow your nose
because you were too sick to even move your arms

you never said you loved me when I cooked us breakfast on a rainy morning
and you listened to me humming our song, under a breath laced with regret
and that morning I let you wind your arms around my front, and you whispered in my ear
I thought you'd say you loved me, you just told me the eggs were cooked wrong

things change over time and I know this far too well
but when I'm looking at you
and your eyes begin to swirl into patterns that I feel like I have always known
I feel time stand still, I feel everything stop in this world
and in that time, the only thing I can think of is you
the way you look in the mornings when the light cuts through the blinds
how you smile when you look at me, when we kiss
the way your fingers intertwine with mine...
and then I am awakened
not sourly, but in the most lovely manner
with the feeling of your lips pressed to mine
and your arms around me
and I know that if I ever am scared of the moon falling
and the sun's rays ceasing to shine
I can look into your eyes on the darkest nights,
freeze everything, and know that you are mine

in some ways I believe
there is a world beyond our own
so much greater
so much more beauty

but then I listen to the raindrops
fall softly against my skin
and watch as the sun climbs out
and the rain and sun come together
            complete opposites
to create the elegance of a rainbow

I watch in awe as fields of rolling bluebells
blow so softly in the breeze
and I listen to the wind
whispering stories to the trees
and the birds chirping back a response

the mystique of the moon and the wonders that it holds
the secrets of women and men that it has never told
I watch as the stars glow softly
thinking that maybe there cannot be a place
even half as beautiful as this

you lie there next to me
we don't speak
we both feel too dizzy
our heads are too light
despite how full they feel
and our eyes are rolling back
into our skulls, trying to read
our own minds
we can't even do that much
we are helpless and intoxicated
my head rolls, too
it always finds its way to your shoulder
no matter how strange I may feel
I never really understood why
until I looked into my heart
and saw nothing,
because my mind was preoccupied
thinking of you

these weekends are getting the better of me
beginning to take their toll on me
starting to make me question things
finishing with thoughts that leave me confused
but I found out one thing
I really like being around you

her skin was as white as chalk
and her heart was as cold as ice
and she was still
so very young
but she felt like all her life
would come to an end
if she didn't find
"the one"
soon

she was naive
to the worlds cruel ways
and unbeknown
to the way that life's
most devious plans
always ended in somebody getting hurt
not just her

but she felt alone
with nobody to hold
and so much love to give
and every time
she thought she had found someone
to love and care for
she was taught that love
was a falseness
that existed only
in her fairytales
and her most extraordinary
fantasies

she kissed with hungry lips
and reminisced on the times
that cherry blossom petals
would be enticed to her crown
and plant themselves
so softly
and delicately
upon her being
she thought of the soft embrace
the warm summer air
would surely give to her
      never too tight, never feeling forced
      just comforting
and the way the fragile grass
would soften every tumble
every footstep further into the world
and every adventure yet to come
and that was what this sort of love
reminded her of

I fall in love with boys that I've only known for a night
in badly lit rooms, unfamiliar to me,
with music I've never heard before playing very loud, maybe too much so.

What is so addictive about intoxicating myself, painting my lips red
and brandishing these boys' cheeks, and mouths and tongues
with a shade of lipstick that is maybe too overbearing, and tastes cheap.

All the while they brandish me, with unforgettable eyes, a kiss,
maybe too good to be true, and a personality that soars through the skies
leaving me attached, again, to someone too good for myself.

i never wanted to say
g o o d b y e
but you left me
            no other choice
i don't know how it has
come to this
but it really
wasn't my fault

i don't want an insincere a p o l o g y
or a reason to stick around
i want to know you'll
always remember me
not as the one that let you go
but as the one who                          never             gave            up
until you pushed her t  o  o  far

Words that echo in the corridoors
and passageways of an empty mind,
with no company from any-body, from any-thing.
Because no bodies, and no things, can replace what is missing.
Lonely, and looking for a place to be.

Lonely, in the most unsettling sense of the word.
The type of lonely that makes your bones feel cold
and the only thing that can warm you up
is a lightning bolt through your skeletal remains
but that requires you to feel something.
And you know you can't do that, you're too numb.
Too numb - because your mind is too empty.

It's like a game that you can't win,
you've always thought this, but you dare not admit it
because this will happen. You know your mind is vacant
and that once you think it, you will always think it
because words echo inside your head, and you can't forget it
once it's been said.

travel with me
walk around forgotten lakes and abandoned forests
make them feel loved again

travel in me
grace the veins under my skin and float around my lungs
make me feel loved again

rose petals
and daisies
twisted around
your heart

cherry blossoms
entwined into
your shattering
soul

the most broken
and corrupted
parts of
you

growing into
something that
is so incredibly
                              
                  beautiful

it was almost as though ten thousand moons
shone through your irises
but I still felt like I was fumbling my way
through an endless tunnel
desolate and alone
in complete darkness
        vulnerable
with no guidance
even though you claimed to be by my side

a hand to hold
a shoulder to cry on
                    the usual clichés
                    few are able to find

you are a God
of a whole other name
a being with entities
beyond this world
a compassion so strong
that the elements of life
couldn't even bring down
the first brick in the wall
that is your love

you are a girl
with the world at her fingertips
heart made of steel
and breath as cold as ice
your lips move
but nobody else does
we are all stuck in your words
each of us a syllable
tantalisingly addictive
we cannot get enough

you twist your limbs around us all
not to keep us in your arms
but to help to soften the fall
because you will drop us all one day
we will plummet to the ground
unable to fight
unable to protect
because your words still twist
around your mouth

we sang along to Joy Division
and listened to Ian Curtis' voice
spell out the truths of love and life
too afraid to listen
so we smoked a bit more

we got high
very high
we couldn't walk in straight lines
you said your legs were like lava
so we hid away in each others' embrace

he said love will tear us apart
he was right
but I never expected it to be
as blissful as this

you never ask if im okay
i kiss you and i taste your lips so bitter against mine
you spat on me, your venom felt like some sort of ******* haven
id rather have you poisoning me than spend a day without you
youd rather i just ******* but no one else will give you as much attention

i want you to ask how i am, what im feeling
i want you to kiss me like you actually ******* mean it
not like you're just passing the time

i think about you and something in my stomach twists
it's not butterflies and i know that because butterflies dont sting
i didn't think you would sting and ache and bruise me this bad

i push you off me and you just walk away
i try to run back to you but i just stumble
you watch me fall and carry on walking

and no i'm not okay

as if the world wasnt't full of enough heartbreak
you stepped foot into my life

as if my mind wasn't full of enough distress
you slipped into my heart

and now you are all that pollutes my mind
unwanted, yet wanted, all the same

my head is a blur, an absolute mess
and I cannot decipher anything

the only thing that makes sense to me now is the blue in your eyes
and the way it feels to be in your arms

I miss being close to you
I miss you wanting me
I miss your presence

I am always mindful of how this is my fault
always. Always and forever, my fault

we loved one another at the wrong time and that cannot be changed
but what if I had told you the doings in my mind
before now?

What if I had told you, just a matter of weeks ago
that for the past 3 years, I have been in love with you?

I can't change this now, but I wish you loved me too
I can't change our past, I cannot manipulate time and space
I cannot ever be enough for your desperate heart

but you have always been enough for me

your smile was the only home
that I have ever known
your mind the only place
that I could ever call my own
I built myself on foundations that were made up of you
and when you left me
I was still stuck on you
unable to move

stay up with me until 5 am
and listen to the rain pouring
save me the washed up *******
"the rain is falling hard and so am I"
don't tell me that
tell me what you really feel for me
tell me why you really treat me like I am your world
only in the early hours of the morning
tell me why the Sunrise changes everything
spare the similies and metaphors
tell it to me straight
why is it your love for me only exists
when the Moon is high
and you are drunk
why does my love for you
stay so coherently in my day and my night
why does it persist to remain
when you can't even remember my name
after it all

if the past haunts you, then exorcise yourself
bathe yourself in the sunlight
and bid goodnight to Mother Moon
lay down in fields of daisies and lavender
take in their scent, as they will take in you, as one of them
hug the trees, feel their bark beneath your hands
tend to their needs, love them as you will learn to love yourself
let the stars of the night sky, guide you to a better life
as you relearn your ways.
Feel the grass and the mud
and the dirt of the Earth between your toes
it may feel unusual to begin with, but let it be
you will grow accustomed to the way that nature infiltrates you
you will learn to love it, as it loves you
and then, you will learn to love yourself, soon

this is where you allow the past to be left where it belongs
as a place in the foggiest realms of your mind
not to be forgotten, but just left untouched

you are here, now
you are a living being full of might and beauty
with potential explosive enough
to brighten the dusky night skies

you are free to live with the Earth
and you are free to live in this moment
do not let the more dismal times
that left you in dismay
stunt the being you are growing to be
now you've left behind those days

the future is calling and it is not to be ignored
nor is to be feared, or delayed

I am as pure and divine as God's fallen angel
and my mind runs riots sometimes
I feel the Rogue Creature coarse through my veins
Lucifers being takes hold of my own
leads me down the unforsaken roads
and then I'm left alone
lost in the realms of death and despair
but you know
I'm not religious
and I'm begninning to believe
that all of this is not as it seems
and your declerations of love
mean nothing when they come
from the heart and mouth
of a drunken paramour
and it is apparent only now
that my own personal Hell
has been derived by you
all along

you saved me once
and broke me            ten thousand times
in return

you led me into
a false sense of security
and an agonising                                 l i e

cuts will heal
and scars will fade
and although the memories are real
time will protect you
and keep you safe
and you'll be okay again

it seems strange that by the will of myself
I stumbled across a person like you
that sees only the good in destroying oneself
and never thinks about the consequences
of words, actions and thoughts

I noticed how swollen your knuckles were
on the day that I first met you - nothing has changed,
I suppose you still find adrenaline and comfort
in punching walls.
They can't feel, you know.

you always hide your hair under a hat,
but I can't deduct why. I know that very few people
have seen your bare head, your bare body, but why
do you hide it, when I know how beautiful
it really is?

your pasty skin, your prominent bones,
your cut up shins and bruised arms
and the rise and fall of your chest
when you're laying beside me
at midnight

I wanted you to look into my eyes
and tell me that you loved me
and I wanted to know you meant it
by the gleam in your eyes
and the way you looked at me
like a beautiful piece of artwork
like the most fascinating being
on the planet
and like I was so extraordinary
and unique

but that didn't happen
you never even so much
as looked in my direction
and you only broke the silence
between us
when you wanted something from me
never passionate love or a
memorable kiss
just a few coins
for a drink
and a tiny bit of my broken heart
each and every time
you brushed me off
like I was nothing

hand in hand, we stood
under blossom trees, your palms
cold  with your fingers wrapped
around my own
dutiful, almost
you belong entangled with me
the wind carries a whisper
of our voices
pleading
let go now, let go, you're holding on too tight
but it feels like you're slipping away
through my clammy palms
your icy hands, numb but still
the pain remains
I can't let go
it doesn't feel like I have anything
left within you to hold onto
you're already gone