your eyes
are so beautiful
and it would be an honour
to drown in them

how am I ever supposed to feel at home again?
when your eyes were like a fireplace - warming me, and lighting my way
my home is so far away now that you are gone
I was never anything to you, I understand that
you were never really much to me either, until you left

the house I live in is just bricks and mortar, torn away wallpaper
and numbed down memories of a childhood I can scarce remember
what is a house of stones and wood compared to a home
of warm flesh and eyes like the pools of water that only exist in my mind?
a home with arms that can hold you safe, not walls that keep you restrained

have you ever been told to simply "*******" and been left stranded somewhere?
or kicked out of a party at 3 am in the winter and forced to walk 7 miles
back to your house, all the while you're still a little drunk, staggering a little
left feeling like your feet are somewhere else because you're so cold and you didn't think
to bring a sweater. Or you didn't want to, because the only ones you have used to be his.

I lost my train of thought, that tends to happen when I think of you
when you walked away, it felt like being kicked out of the only place I felt I belonged
no wonder the concept of a stable home is so hard for me to comprehend
after the storm that you took in your stride and threw upon me, then left me with, alone.

stable? I don't know stable after knowing you. You were a hurricane of fiercest proportions
you were long limbs that wrapped me up a little too tight, and screamed at me
told me you were home, and I was yours. You were a home that left me house bound
to the point you stopped feeling like a home, until you apologised for everything
and now it's been a long time since I last spoke to you, not long enough, but too long
and you still feel like a home to me

you are scared of recovery, of course you are
your mind tells you that if you get better
the people that feed you attention will leave
don't let that stunt you

at the end of the day, all you have is yourself
nobody else, just you. That seems scary now, doesn't it?
because right now, you are part of a battle between your mind
your heart, your soul, and your wellbeing

take the fear, and the strength you use to battle yourself
use it to battle the demons that crawl through the cracks in your puzzled head
take that burning self-loathing, take it and use it to pull yourself out
away from the black holes in your mind. Your mind, an unsolved puzzle, fix it

the burn marks and the rotting teeth and the scratches on your arm
the protuding ribs and the bruised limbs and the tearful eyes
they do not define you, they are not what makes you the person you are
they will never define you unless you allow them to, and you won't

the fire in your heart that has kept you here until now, and the fight you just can't give up
for the moments you find yourself lost in a daydream of the times ahead when you have esccaped
let those carry you onwards, let the everlasting fires burn brighter than before, and fight
fight harder than you ever have, because this battle will be hard but it can be won

dreams held under late night street lights
kisses escaping lips under the moonlight and the stars
and broken hearts scattered along the street corner
over heartless text messages and bitter words, comes what they call love

teen-sweethearts ripped apart by lies and despair
and new loves and new chance
and never will they be remembered for what they really were
but only the grass stained clothing and the smoky kitchens at 2 am

the late night kisses that mean nothing any more
the "I love you's" in hushed tones and the hand holding
the strolls in the wet grass on a crisp winter day
the borrowing of sweaters and sharing of cigarettes

I don't know any more whether I am asking for too much
in today's society of rushed thoughtless texts and less and less
true love, just flings and secrets and Facebook chats
I don't want that, I want fire, I want true passion

I want a love that keeps me awake all night
a love where my mind is so tangled around you
I can't think, for the whirlwind of your presence
always in my mind, always on my lips, always in my lungs

it was the way you never even looked back
or apologised for any of your doings
that really led me to believe that i was simply
n o t h i n g
and you did all you could
to take any light from my life
to make a vulnerable young girl
feel like she was alone
in the vastness of the universe
and that is dangerous
so d a n g e r o u s
and for that
i am never forgiving

my ribcage is crushing my heart ever so slightly, not enough to pain me
but enough to keep me on edge
the moon is shining through cracks in my soul and it feels like a re-birth
after all of the harm, the hurt and the pain my body and my mind have endured
everything is beginning again, new and fresh and this time, different

I know more now, than I ever have before, and the feel of your arms has escaped me once more
I have left the past behind, and I can't remember the colour of your walls
or how you liked your coffee in the evenings of the Fall
I have forgotten how it felt to be loved by a monster, I have forgotten it all

the moon shines brighter, and brighter still, and with you out of mind - it begins
the awakening of a new self, a new way of life, I have let the past slide
and I am ready to start again

you are the hint of something sweeter
better than this
and more comprehendable
to my sour mind
than anything else
and if nothing else
in these incoherent realms of abstinence
makes any sense to me
but you
then I think
I am afraid

laying beside you
paying very close attention
to the way your chest
          s
        e
      s
    i
  r

and

  f
     a
        l
           l
              s

so delictaely

and the way you toss and turn
so elegantly in your slumber

your eyes shut tight
your lips half open
and i just
want
to
kiss
you

I want to be your thoughts at 3 am
When the rain is falling silently
And I cant decipher whether its your heartbeat
Leaving such a sour taste in the back of my
Throat
Or if its just the bottle of ***** we shared
Burning the memories and the words you spoke into the depths of my neck

And I claw cause I want them gone
But I know once they're erased
I'll be screaming for the taste
And I'll miss you in the way that im so thankful youre gone

loving her was like the first cup of coffee
on a saturday morning
sweet and divine
and nothing short of perfection

it was surrounded by endless birdsong
and delicate snowdrops
and frozen fingertips, clinging to one another
for warmth and protection

the closeness that can only be described
as something that is more extraordinary
than anything in the movies
or your dreams

a sense of belonging that you can't find
anywhere but her
her heart my home and her mind my
safety, away from the harm of the world

a soul so beautiful
my old romantic poetry books couldn't
even begin to compare
to this

she was perfect
                    she is perfect
I loved her
                    I love her

the moon hangs over my head
illuminating all of the black clouds
that are forever looming above me

and I wish that for one night
I could sleep easy
without the nightmares of you

laying down my fragile bones
and wrapping my mind in daisy chains
I hope that maybe this will purify my mind

and so I whispered upon the brightest stars
that I could forget you forever and always
and with that I bid the moon goodnight, hoping to sleep easy

bitter inconsistencies in the world
one minute she loves me
next minute shes setting me on fire and turning me to ash in her mind

i dont know where i stand with her
i just want to stand beside her
hold her hand and remind her that her demons won't be here forever

and i'd fight them all off for her
if she would just guide me
through the shadowed parts of her mind that i know she tries to hide

i want to trace the scars on her arms and ribs
remind her that the demons cant seep back in
id kiss the marks and tell her they were permanently healed

no way for the terrors that haunt her soul
to find their way back when i banish them to hell
i'd do that for her

love is the kind of feeling you get
when your feet are struck by the rolling ocean
and your arms are wrapped around the boy you've always cared about
the feeling you get when your hands are hovering over a bonfire
                    and it looks so alluring, you want to touch it, wrap yourself in it, submerge your being
                    in all that it is
but you know that you can't
because it would hurt far too much

love is the greatest risk and the biggest comfort of all the world
it's a leap of faith and a step too far
it hurts
but you don't care
because its so
beautiful

tossing and turning
in the deepest hours
of the longest
nights

dreams that can never
come true forever
filling her fragile
mind

clogging up her
restless mind with
false hope and
sadness

clinging onto delusions
that will never be fulfilled
because it's all she has
now

she hangs onto a
promised land that
will simply never
exist

why? because those
desires are the only thing
that can make her
happy

our broken love was all that we had
we were lonely souls with nothing to lose
except our friendship and our sanity
we were shattered and helpless
looking for some hope in this seemingly
loveless and hopeless world
with us both left lonely and wanting
someone to hold
we turned to each other
but our hearts turned cold
and to this day I cannot lie
I miss your friendship
and your blue eyes
but I can't forget
the way you hurt me
and the way you completely destroyed me
even though you said
you loved me
                        ( and I know we all lie
                          and I know promises are always broken
                          but you lied about loving
                          me and those kind of lies
                          can destroy people
                          and you said you meant it
                          when you whispered
                          forever but that was nothing more
                          than an alluring deceit )

cages and traps
around me
that I placed there
myself

I don't know why
I do this
or why
it doesn't bother me

I don't know
why I'm so
scared of love
and affection

I don't know why
I'm so scared
of my secrets
being uncovered

this ship will
carry my hollow
bones

back to the
distant
shoreline

my heart
will be
broken

my mind
will be
sore

but I will
be safe again
once more

my bones
next to yours
drowned

i dont know you yet but who ******* cares
we're both young and confused and lonely
i dont really want this and neither do you
but its been so ******* long since i felt someones touch
and i know its the same for you
cheap love cheap beer **** blow and the comedown never ******* ends
i dont even feel the high anymore
you dont either
but we both pretend
its more fun that way isnt it?
more fun
synonymous of less awkward
reality doesn't exist to me anymore
so why be honest to the world outside
when the world outside isn't honest with me

if dandelions sprouted from my chest
and cherry blossoms sprouted from yours
I think the reason we cannot be one
would become evident immediately

I am unwanted,
plucked away and hidden at first sight
left to die, hoping my return never comes
as though I was never there to begin with

you, the weary blossom
showing your face in the smallest intervals
your sighting a blessing, to all that see
leave your adoring fans, wanting more

I wish for more of you too, you know
I yearn deeply, each waking hour
that you would attempt to cover your beauty
                         only temporarily
and I could cover my unsightly anatomy
                         maybe permanently
and we could love one another
for just a day

my heart in your hands
and your hands in my hair
our lips pressed together
your blossoming chest
and my unwanted greenery
no longer in the way
just tickling a little
when our bodies merge as one

you don't need a boy
to pick you up when you are down
you have yourself

don't drown yourself
when you know how to swim

stay awake until you are tired
do not force yourself to sleep, or to stay conscious

if someone asks you how your day was
don't lie and say it was good, if it was not
they asked because they care

do not fear the indifference you feel
you are not numb to the whole world and it will pass

don't do anything unless you want to
this goes for ***, school, work and love

nothing in this world comes above your health
if it means failing a test, losing a job, or ending a relationship
do what you must to withhold your wellbeing

all bad things in moderation can be good
moderation is key here

love is never to be feared, nor is it to be abused
love is to be taken when needed
and given back when necessary

nobody can tell you how to live or who to love
nobody but yourself

if that boy you like
asks to take you out on a drive at midnight
and you don't think you can go, do it anyway
but stay safe

face the consequences of all of your actions
with dignity and pride

it's Friday night and the week has been tough
don't give up now
take a sip of  your parents' rosé wine
coat your lips in rouge
and love yourself

I want to spend my night
locked away in your dreams
and you weaved into mine
and we'll see each other
in our unconscious paradise
and we'll tell each other
''I'm sorry''
we'll hug like we used to do
and I'll stay still in your arms
unable to move
because I'm scared of leaving you
all over again
then I hear the alarm from my phone
                 your favourite song of course
and it's morning
and I can hear the birds
singing to me
and the wind whispering your name
and I know I have to leave you
again
and I try to scream out
to take me back
but no sound will escape my mouth
and I miss you, dear

erase my mind
give me a new heart
I want to start again
I don't want to be in the dark
I want another life
where we would walk through meadows
of marigold and lilac
and we could create our new beings
so that they are in harmony
once again

numbers letters and shapes flicker through my brain at a thousand miles a second
i cant keep up with the thoughts that won't up and leave
i string together everything i can to create something more easy for me to fathom
your name appears instantly in my head
the only thing that ever really makes any sense
i kick through the void ive closed myself into
and i flee to you
my only escape and my only comfort
and now you're drifting away again
like before
and im reaching out to hold your hand
but i just fall to the floor
wanting more
needing it all
but everything merges together again too fast for me to keep up
i shut my door and i sit on my hands
no point trying to grasp for anything like you again

never again will i try to escape the void
the void is the only thing that keeps me sane
everything else just ***** me over

im withering
and falling so softly
to the ground
slowly fading away
hidden amongst the crowd
of flawless beauties
and hidden eyes

sit with me, just for a while
tell me everything I did
to deserve this tragic fate
that is your love

tell me why, after all the good that I have done
why my life came to this
to you
to us

isn't it just cruel?
those endless nights I spent with you
trying to save you
when I couldn't even save myself

the sleepy days that were filled with your hateful words
your spiteful attitude
the insults and the way
that I was always wrong

you found pleasure
in leaving me lonesome
and almost broken
yet still agonisingly alive

and now that I am happy
and have found myself to be
at one with the world and her love
you think that you can come back?

for you can try to hold the past against me
and you can try to put me down
but months on
I am happy now

and I am the real winner here, my dear
because since you left
I have escaped fear, and all of his friends
I can smile proudly and truthfully

I can say that I won this battle
and it was nice to see you lose
because after everything you put me through
I no longer deserve your abuse

I feel that the body I have been given is too small
too small for the infinities that my mind and soul create
inside of me every minute, of every day

like my brain is wild with ideas too big
to fit inside their casing
and my body too weak, to hold my thoughts

words do not come easy to me, though not through lack of language.
There is too much inside my head to unscramble the jumbled mess
of words and thoughts and ideas, too strong, too strong for me

this body is weak in comparison to the colours and feelings inside of me
this measly shell, restricting my mind from reaching out
and experiencing the true form of this world, and the next

a flesh encasing that my brain is dependant on, yet what if it were not?
what if my soul was cast adrift with ideas I was not aware had came to exist
what if once my mind was free? what would happen then?

my mind is living somewhere else,
and I think that is where my soul eternally resides
and I will find it one day, one day, one day

i put my trust in you
i wrote it down on a piece of paper
"i love you, i need you, im sorry im fragile"
you tore it up
you ripped me apart
and i can still feel
your breath against my ears
the words escaping your tongue
the harsh phrases
floating among my mind
the sickening riddles
your twisted tongue
you used it all
to tear me apart

you took my heart
and hid it away
you took my mind
and twisted it
you let me fall for
a soul as bittersweet
as your own
and then you told me
"it's just as friends"
you took my kisses
you held me close
you said you were sorry
and my feelings you supposed
you knew how I felt
and you didn't want to hurt me
but the taste of your lips
is one I'll never forget
and your soft touch
is my greatest regret

follow the chains of daisies
I left just for you
follow me into the hell
that you put me through
walk through the cobbled streets
of the living purgatory
you made me fight through
each
and every
day




it hurt
to be left in such
a desolate place
while all the time
you falsely declared
your love
and affection
and made me believe
such a thing could
ever exist

do you mean to tell me, Sir, that the turn of a century
means a change in our ways?
that the start of a new millennia will successively bring
a new wave of respect for me?

don't look so ******* sour darlin', I didn't hurt you
3 hours ago, with the walk home I take everyday,
comes the abuse I must also take daily
and my inner monologue is drowning every ounce of self control I hold
but my fearful mouth is paralysed by the anxiety
or is it the fear that has been built into my body
since the day I was born, to tell me never to resist
to the cat calls, the wolf whistles, the rowdy drunken men
shouting at me, always shouting

*******, love, it was only a compliment
A compliment.
Is dehumanising me, demoralising me, and leaving me afraid
supposed to fill my heart with delight? Or the utmost fear.
You knew which you would inflict upon me. You always know.
My palms are sweaty as I walk away, I try to stay calm.
If you see me cry. You see me weak. You will try to attack.

be careful walking home if it's dark, keep something small and sharp with you
would my parents have chanted this mantra to me,
each and every day
had they conceived a boy? No.
Would my gut be plagued with pain and fright
at the thought of crossing a group of boys
in the blackness of night
if I was not a woman? No.
Do I deserve this? In a society  that

*Being a woman is frightful. Being alive in this time, is the most painful thing
I will ever have to endure.
But boys. Don't you forget.
I may be young, and slightly feeble now.
But I am a lioness.
I am growing. I am sharpening my teeth and claws.

I am ready. Do not push me too far. I am ready, to pounce and
to destroy all that has ever sought to destroy me
I am strong. I am stronger than you, and any male
that has ever tried to break me.
You are nothing but putrid boys.
I will not back down. I will not stand around
and watch you attack my sisters.
I am a woman.
And yes, you should be scared.

wishful thinking of brighter skies
more love, less hate, and calmer tides
not the running water but the waves in my mind
they're crashing again, too hard
tearing apart the walls of my head
breaking it apart into something new

I am enlightened

being in love
was never meant to be this hard
and the stains and scars
that taint my soul
were all laid to rest there
by you

and when I look into the stars
all I see
are the many ways you hurt
and demoralised me

but in saying I love you
would be all but the truth
because honestly dear
I can't stand even the thought of you

fingertips
pulsating against my spine
you could see inside of me
into my mind
                               i swear
and i don't know how
but from the second we spoke
you knew me
and i knew you
and i fooled myself into thinking
that this was love
          the most debauched and broken kind that there is
hearts and souls
broken far beyond repair
and my mind
had been twisted
into something unruly
something that is convinced
it is no way worthy
of true love
only hatred and pain
and i was convinced that this was true
until now
until i found happiness
in you leaving
and discovered a new way
to live in harmony with nature
and all of her ways
to love oneself
before loving another
to smile at the way
the wind blows
and the trees whisper
and allow the moon
the stars
the sun and the plants
to lighten my way

if the moon ever refuses to shine
and the wind ever ceases
to rush

just know that I think that
your beautiful soul will be
more than enough

I do not need the four elements
or five senses or 206 delicate, breaking bones
I just need your love to pull me through

your voice was running short
your breath growing raspy
and you couldn't speak any more
but I hope you saw me in your dreams, darling

I hope you thought of me
in your blissful escape from reality
even if it was only temporary
I hope I crossed your mind
even for a short time

I wish you would take me and make me your own
and I wish you and I could run away together
to our own tiny, unknown paradise
a land to call our own and a love to call perfect
me and you, two teenage **** ups with
nothing left but each other
you and me, though young and foolish,
perfect for each other
but our love was always under the weather
we were never going to be perfect
'cause you were never going to be in love
with a shy sad girl who you little acknowledge
but I love you with all of my heart
and I really hope you see that
you blank me out like I am nothing because
that's the honest truth
I really am a nobody to you
but I love you
and that's all that counts
and I hope when you're alone
and you have no one else to think about
I cross your mind
from time to time
and I hope you smile slightly

I try to spell it out to you, as simply as I can
I would write you notes,
but you'd claim you've forgotten how to read

I would call you, tell you everything
but I would be answered with a monotoned voice
telling me you've disconnected your phone

I try to find you in the crowd,
try to visit your house
you're never in, but you're never out

I don't know where you went, or maybe I do
maybe I don't want to know where you went
maybe the thought of you being gone, is too much

even for me

all I wanted to tell you is that I love you, but it's too late now
too late
always too late

your scent lingers, in the way that the moon never rushes to go down in the winter
in the way that it is a beautiful blend of moonlight, lavender, and whiskey
the moon is always beautiful and nobody complains of her presence
the same is said for you

your legs tangle with mine, and it's hard to write this without feeling drowsy
nostalgic for your touch, and your head in the crook of my neck
your hair is always so soft, and so are your lips and I don't know how
but I like the way they tickle my chin

I can feel your fingers, skimming through my hair, hard to the touch
but with softer intentions they do bear, I could say the same for your heart
cold on the outside, a mix of steel and ice, but on the inside is a battle
of brimstone and fire

I think I'm beginning to understand, your smile when you are asleep,
and the reason behind your favourite books and works of art
I think I'm beginning to understand, why love is a term not to be used lightly
and especially not around you

sometimes I miss the past, and places that I never even knew
I miss central New York in the 1950's
it doesn't matter to me that I'm an English girl born in the 90's

I miss the person that I was yesterday, and the day before that
I always feel so self-critical in the present, so worried
I miss when I wasn't, even though I know
that I always have been

I miss stargazing with you, but that didn't happen either
only in my mind
that creates infinities of realities that will never exist

I miss that time that you told me with such arrogance
never talk to me again, I am more than you will ever be
this did happen, I didn't make this up
I only miss it because that's the last time you spoke to me.
How sick and delusional must I be to feel that way?

is it that sickness that leads my mind astray
into weary fantasies that I can never be?
I don't know any more.
I miss New York in the 50's.

im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me

if that was love, then I no longer wish to have a heart
I would pull apart my limbs, in attempts to make you happy
and still my heart would remain, despite desperate endeavours
on my part of course, to break it apart, crack it open and set it free

I never knew of the touch of your hands, or your lips against mine
and the feel of my head in the crook of your neck at 3 am
when I felt like I had absolutely nothing left
nothing but you, or so I thought

I didn't know you inside or out, and I no longer wish to now,
I can add you to the infinite list of things that never made sense to me
amongst algebra, and formulae and chemical bonds
comes your name, written in red, then crossed out 10 times
in an attempt to forget