it was almost as though ten thousand moons
shone through your irises
but I still felt like I was fumbling my way
through an endless tunnel
desolate and alone
in complete darkness
        vulnerable
with no guidance
even though you claimed to be by my side

a hand to hold
a shoulder to cry on
                    the usual clichés
                    few are able to find

wishful thinking of brighter skies
more love, less hate, and calmer tides
not the running water but the waves in my mind
they're crashing again, too hard
tearing apart the walls of my head
breaking it apart into something new

I am enlightened

dreams held under late night street lights
kisses escaping lips under the moonlight and the stars
and broken hearts scattered along the street corner
over heartless text messages and bitter words, comes what they call love

teen-sweethearts ripped apart by lies and despair
and new loves and new chance
and never will they be remembered for what they really were
but only the grass stained clothing and the smoky kitchens at 2 am

the late night kisses that mean nothing any more
the "I love you's" in hushed tones and the hand holding
the strolls in the wet grass on a crisp winter day
the borrowing of sweaters and sharing of cigarettes

I don't know any more whether I am asking for too much
in today's society of rushed thoughtless texts and less and less
true love, just flings and secrets and Facebook chats
I don't want that, I want fire, I want true passion

I want a love that keeps me awake all night
a love where my mind is so tangled around you
I can't think, for the whirlwind of your presence
always in my mind, always on my lips, always in my lungs

things change over time and I know this far too well
but when I'm looking at you
and your eyes begin to swirl into patterns that I feel like I have always known
I feel time stand still, I feel everything stop in this world
and in that time, the only thing I can think of is you
the way you look in the mornings when the light cuts through the blinds
how you smile when you look at me, when we kiss
the way your fingers intertwine with mine...
and then I am awakened
not sourly, but in the most lovely manner
with the feeling of your lips pressed to mine
and your arms around me
and I know that if I ever am scared of the moon falling
and the sun's rays ceasing to shine
I can look into your eyes on the darkest nights,
freeze everything, and know that you are mine

I wish I could tell you how
you make me feel
like ten thousand stars
are nothing compared to your eyes

and I wish I had the capability
to describe the butterflies
that occupy the entirety of my tummy
whenever you are around

I want to be able to let you know
that your smile brings sunshine
to the stormiest of days
and the darkest nights, alone

I want to tell you how I feel
when your arms wrap around me
keeping me safe from a world
of nothing but false love

I wish you loved me
like I loved you

rose petals
and daisies
twisted around
your heart

cherry blossoms
entwined into
your shattering
soul

the most broken
and corrupted
parts of
you

growing into
something that
is so incredibly
                              
                  beautiful

how am I ever supposed to feel at home again?
when your eyes were like a fireplace - warming me, and lighting my way
my home is so far away now that you are gone
I was never anything to you, I understand that
you were never really much to me either, until you left

the house I live in is just bricks and mortar, torn away wallpaper
and numbed down memories of a childhood I can scarce remember
what is a house of stones and wood compared to a home
of warm flesh and eyes like the pools of water that only exist in my mind?
a home with arms that can hold you safe, not walls that keep you restrained

have you ever been told to simply "*******" and been left stranded somewhere?
or kicked out of a party at 3 am in the winter and forced to walk 7 miles
back to your house, all the while you're still a little drunk, staggering a little
left feeling like your feet are somewhere else because you're so cold and you didn't think
to bring a sweater. Or you didn't want to, because the only ones you have used to be his.

I lost my train of thought, that tends to happen when I think of you
when you walked away, it felt like being kicked out of the only place I felt I belonged
no wonder the concept of a stable home is so hard for me to comprehend
after the storm that you took in your stride and threw upon me, then left me with, alone.

stable? I don't know stable after knowing you. You were a hurricane of fiercest proportions
you were long limbs that wrapped me up a little too tight, and screamed at me
told me you were home, and I was yours. You were a home that left me house bound
to the point you stopped feeling like a home, until you apologised for everything
and now it's been a long time since I last spoke to you, not long enough, but too long
and you still feel like a home to me

love is the kind of feeling you get
when your feet are struck by the rolling ocean
and your arms are wrapped around the boy you've always cared about
the feeling you get when your hands are hovering over a bonfire
                    and it looks so alluring, you want to touch it, wrap yourself in it, submerge your being
                    in all that it is
but you know that you can't
because it would hurt far too much

love is the greatest risk and the biggest comfort of all the world
it's a leap of faith and a step too far
it hurts
but you don't care
because its so
beautiful

rose petals grazed your cheeks
and daisy chains were woven into your hair
and your lips were stained as red as cherrys
and you looked happy
but on the inside you were dying

you were crying so much inside of your head
but on the outside you smiled
your lips bright still
and you wanted to cry, to let it all out
but that would ruin the façade and the mascara you'd put on

because the world didn't see how broken
you were
all they saw was the pretty girl with no troubles at all
and now you're gone, forever and ever
because the monsters in her head finally got her

Words that echo in the corridoors
and passageways of an empty mind,
with no company from any-body, from any-thing.
Because no bodies, and no things, can replace what is missing.
Lonely, and looking for a place to be.

Lonely, in the most unsettling sense of the word.
The type of lonely that makes your bones feel cold
and the only thing that can warm you up
is a lightning bolt through your skeletal remains
but that requires you to feel something.
And you know you can't do that, you're too numb.
Too numb - because your mind is too empty.

It's like a game that you can't win,
you've always thought this, but you dare not admit it
because this will happen. You know your mind is vacant
and that once you think it, you will always think it
because words echo inside your head, and you can't forget it
once it's been said.

laying beside you
paying very close attention
to the way your chest
          s
        e
      s
    i
  r

and

  f
     a
        l
           l
              s

so delictaely

and the way you toss and turn
so elegantly in your slumber

your eyes shut tight
your lips half open
and i just
want
to
kiss
you

sometimes I miss the past, and places that I never even knew
I miss central New York in the 1950's
it doesn't matter to me that I'm an English girl born in the 90's

I miss the person that I was yesterday, and the day before that
I always feel so self-critical in the present, so worried
I miss when I wasn't, even though I know
that I always have been

I miss stargazing with you, but that didn't happen either
only in my mind
that creates infinities of realities that will never exist

I miss that time that you told me with such arrogance
never talk to me again, I am more than you will ever be
this did happen, I didn't make this up
I only miss it because that's the last time you spoke to me.
How sick and delusional must I be to feel that way?

is it that sickness that leads my mind astray
into weary fantasies that I can never be?
I don't know any more.
I miss New York in the 50's.

it wasn't enough to hear you say that you love me,
I needed proof, hard proof, evidence
that a being like yourself even had a heart inside that skeletal cage,
does it beat? Or just lay still
like your body when you're beside me.

I know you don't love me any more,
your heart stopped beating at least 3 months ago
and before that I have a feeling it was black, and cold as ice, anyway

you'd beg for kisses, and more, and tell me you love me
as you collapsed in a heap next to me
but never on me, there was always distance between us
even when we should be the closest one human can get to another

but I felt the space between us, turn from a crack, to a gaping hole
you never told me you loved me when I kissed you, or when I had to blow your nose
because you were too sick to even move your arms

you never said you loved me when I cooked us breakfast on a rainy morning
and you listened to me humming our song, under a breath laced with regret
and that morning I let you wind your arms around my front, and you whispered in my ear
I thought you'd say you loved me, you just told me the eggs were cooked wrong

if the past haunts you, then exorcise yourself
bathe yourself in the sunlight
and bid goodnight to Mother Moon
lay down in fields of daisies and lavender
take in their scent, as they will take in you, as one of them
hug the trees, feel their bark beneath your hands
tend to their needs, love them as you will learn to love yourself
let the stars of the night sky, guide you to a better life
as you relearn your ways.
Feel the grass and the mud
and the dirt of the Earth between your toes
it may feel unusual to begin with, but let it be
you will grow accustomed to the way that nature infiltrates you
you will learn to love it, as it loves you
and then, you will learn to love yourself, soon

this is where you allow the past to be left where it belongs
as a place in the foggiest realms of your mind
not to be forgotten, but just left untouched

you are here, now
you are a living being full of might and beauty
with potential explosive enough
to brighten the dusky night skies

you are free to live with the Earth
and you are free to live in this moment
do not let the more dismal times
that left you in dismay
stunt the being you are growing to be
now you've left behind those days

the future is calling and it is not to be ignored
nor is to be feared, or delayed

numbers letters and shapes flicker through my brain at a thousand miles a second
i cant keep up with the thoughts that won't up and leave
i string together everything i can to create something more easy for me to fathom
your name appears instantly in my head
the only thing that ever really makes any sense
i kick through the void ive closed myself into
and i flee to you
my only escape and my only comfort
and now you're drifting away again
like before
and im reaching out to hold your hand
but i just fall to the floor
wanting more
needing it all
but everything merges together again too fast for me to keep up
i shut my door and i sit on my hands
no point trying to grasp for anything like you again

never again will i try to escape the void
the void is the only thing that keeps me sane
everything else just ***** me over

if my eyes were never meant to see the world
at 6 am, as the sun is rising, and my blood is pumping through my veins
so fast, I feel lightening could be replacing my cells

and if my lips were never supposed to meet yours,
on nights alone, with a lot of fumbling, and suppressed giggles
between words that were worse left unsaid

and if my ears were not placed upon my person, to hear the way
you laugh as I tell you stories, or to listen to you whispering weakened
'I love you's at 3 am

then tell me why I was born unto this Earth at all?

i dont know you yet but who ******* cares
we're both young and confused and lonely
i dont really want this and neither do you
but its been so ******* long since i felt someones touch
and i know its the same for you
cheap love cheap beer **** blow and the comedown never ******* ends
i dont even feel the high anymore
you dont either
but we both pretend
its more fun that way isnt it?
more fun
synonymous of less awkward
reality doesn't exist to me anymore
so why be honest to the world outside
when the world outside isn't honest with me

being in love
was never meant to be this hard
and the stains and scars
that taint my soul
were all laid to rest there
by you

and when I look into the stars
all I see
are the many ways you hurt
and demoralised me

but in saying I love you
would be all but the truth
because honestly dear
I can't stand even the thought of you

I am not ready for commitment, or to know
that I am loved, loved in a way
that will lead to spilling of brains
and hearts out of ribcages
opened weak, vulnerable
resulting in hurt and tears

I am not enough at peace with my heart
nor my ability to trust and open up
to have such a permanent placement in my life
I want red lipstick smeared on wine glasses
filled with ***** and whiskey
late nights in warm rooms, too warm
with something funny to smoke
to feel slightly relieved when the boy I kissed
for 3 hours last night, knew I meant nothing to him
as he meant nothing to me
I am not prepared to part
with the "one night only" lovers
and the fun that comes
with being young

to be free, to stay free
a soul that is not ready to be locked away
in exchange of an open cage
for a brittle heart that cracks
under the slightest pressure

as if the world wasnt't full of enough heartbreak
you stepped foot into my life

as if my mind wasn't full of enough distress
you slipped into my heart

and now you are all that pollutes my mind
unwanted, yet wanted, all the same

my head is a blur, an absolute mess
and I cannot decipher anything

the only thing that makes sense to me now is the blue in your eyes
and the way it feels to be in your arms

I miss being close to you
I miss you wanting me
I miss your presence

I am always mindful of how this is my fault
always. Always and forever, my fault

we loved one another at the wrong time and that cannot be changed
but what if I had told you the doings in my mind
before now?

What if I had told you, just a matter of weeks ago
that for the past 3 years, I have been in love with you?

I can't change this now, but I wish you loved me too
I can't change our past, I cannot manipulate time and space
I cannot ever be enough for your desperate heart

but you have always been enough for me

cages and traps
around me
that I placed there
myself

I don't know why
I do this
or why
it doesn't bother me

I don't know
why I'm so
scared of love
and affection

I don't know why
I'm so scared
of my secrets
being uncovered

"please don't think I'm crazy"* you said to me, with a horror on your face,
                                                                ­           that words can't describe
why in the world would I think that?
                      "sometimes I feel, like my bones are fake, and the structure that I am, will soon surely break
                         and all that will be left is a soul and a broken heart, never pieced together right, as it was
                         broken from the start."
I stay silent. You continue
                      "the human form feels so weak, it feels like a densely packed piece of nonsense, where my
                        mind is a fragmented puzzle, bursting at the seams, and then girls like you come along
                        girls like you that make me weak at the knees, and I wonder if my heart is overpowering
                        my endless thoughts of despair and weakness and lack of hope and I realise that maybe
                        if I can't save myself, then in this infinite universe of unanswered questions and unknown
                        possibilities and piles and piles of doubt that add up like the ***** laundry, well maybe
                        if I can't save myself, you can save me"
we both cried, and I held you, and I knew that if you thought you were insane, then I must be too, I told you I felt the same, I let you save me, now it is my turn to save you

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on
I'm still stuck on you and I never even knew you
I never felt your hand in mine and it's still the only thing I need
I never knew the way your breath warmed the crevices in my neck
and I still wish to know how your lips would feel
pressed to mine, at 3 am when your touch is the only thing
I desire deeply enough to deny myself sleep
I don't know what you meant when you said you couldn't tell me
I didn't understand, and it's been nearly a year,
but I still don't
and sometimes when I look at the grass, and in the sky
and at the bottom of a bottle of cheap *****
I think of you
and I think of how you left
and I think of how much I still can't comprehend
and I had no closure
and you didn't care
no closure
no closure
no means of explanation
just a body that I never knew
and a pair of hands that float in thin air
and arms that will not hold me in 5 years
when I'm still unstable thanks to my first love

sometimes i wish i had people to talk to
about what goes on inside my head
but then i remember i’m overtly content
with living inside my own mind
without the need for interruptions
caused by other human beings,

because i’ve come to learn
through the experiences of others
that when you let people in
you are letting them drag you down
with the weight of their being
on top of your own

she looked deep into the eyes
of a boy whom she knew
would never be hers
         'never in a million years' she was told
and she knew that this was true
but her eyes would not falter
her gaze could not move
and there was something about this boy
            that she admired so truly
            and so deeply
and her mind could not begin
to fathom what it was
it was incomprehensible
and it broke her down
into the tiniest shards
of confusion and admiration

the pools of blue in this boys eyes
were like endless oceans
of pure wonder
and thoughts so intricate
no mind could decode
the secrets of the waters
that lie behind those irises

I try to spell it out to you, as simply as I can
I would write you notes,
but you'd claim you've forgotten how to read

I would call you, tell you everything
but I would be answered with a monotoned voice
telling me you've disconnected your phone

I try to find you in the crowd,
try to visit your house
you're never in, but you're never out

I don't know where you went, or maybe I do
maybe I don't want to know where you went
maybe the thought of you being gone, is too much

even for me

all I wanted to tell you is that I love you, but it's too late now
too late
always too late

you took my heart
and hid it away
you took my mind
and twisted it
you let me fall for
a soul as bittersweet
as your own
and then you told me
"it's just as friends"
you took my kisses
you held me close
you said you were sorry
and my feelings you supposed
you knew how I felt
and you didn't want to hurt me
but the taste of your lips
is one I'll never forget
and your soft touch
is my greatest regret

fingertips
pulsating against my spine
you could see inside of me
into my mind
                               i swear
and i don't know how
but from the second we spoke
you knew me
and i knew you
and i fooled myself into thinking
that this was love
          the most debauched and broken kind that there is
hearts and souls
broken far beyond repair
and my mind
had been twisted
into something unruly
something that is convinced
it is no way worthy
of true love
only hatred and pain
and i was convinced that this was true
until now
until i found happiness
in you leaving
and discovered a new way
to live in harmony with nature
and all of her ways
to love oneself
before loving another
to smile at the way
the wind blows
and the trees whisper
and allow the moon
the stars
the sun and the plants
to lighten my way

do you mean to tell me, Sir, that the turn of a century
means a change in our ways?
that the start of a new millennia will successively bring
a new wave of respect for me?

don't look so ******* sour darlin', I didn't hurt you
3 hours ago, with the walk home I take everyday,
comes the abuse I must also take daily
and my inner monologue is drowning every ounce of self control I hold
but my fearful mouth is paralysed by the anxiety
or is it the fear that has been built into my body
since the day I was born, to tell me never to resist
to the cat calls, the wolf whistles, the rowdy drunken men
shouting at me, always shouting

*******, love, it was only a compliment
A compliment.
Is dehumanising me, demoralising me, and leaving me afraid
supposed to fill my heart with delight? Or the utmost fear.
You knew which you would inflict upon me. You always know.
My palms are sweaty as I walk away, I try to stay calm.
If you see me cry. You see me weak. You will try to attack.

be careful walking home if it's dark, keep something small and sharp with you
would my parents have chanted this mantra to me,
each and every day
had they conceived a boy? No.
Would my gut be plagued with pain and fright
at the thought of crossing a group of boys
in the blackness of night
if I was not a woman? No.
Do I deserve this? In a society  that

*Being a woman is frightful. Being alive in this time, is the most painful thing
I will ever have to endure.
But boys. Don't you forget.
I may be young, and slightly feeble now.
But I am a lioness.
I am growing. I am sharpening my teeth and claws.

I am ready. Do not push me too far. I am ready, to pounce and
to destroy all that has ever sought to destroy me
I am strong. I am stronger than you, and any male
that has ever tried to break me.
You are nothing but putrid boys.
I will not back down. I will not stand around
and watch you attack my sisters.
I am a woman.
And yes, you should be scared.

I met you and I saw
brighter parts of the world
everything I looked at
was more vibrant
your eyes gave me a new sense of vision
and life was easy
the clouds always parted for me to see the Sun
the Moon always shone,
bright enough to encase me in her love
(as though I needed it anyway, with you there)
but when you left
so did my light
my saving grace
and all that was right
the water which used to be
the bluest of blues, infinite and beautiful
was nothing more than a place
to fill with tears, tainted by mascara
as grey as my life had surely become
and morning strolls
were torturous
the sharp fresh air was no longer refreshing
it felt like daggers
plunhing into my chest with every breath I took
reminding me that I am alive
and living a life without you

But the storms passed and the days grew brighter once more
and I am more than you and more than us
and I began to see the Sun and the Moon
shining for me once again
and I took in their love and life
I breathed in the morning air that made me feel alive
and it made me realise what I am

I am stardust and moonlight
I am the sun shining through the dull sky
I can grow flowers from my skin
I can fix the world for myself
and heal my own soul
and I am what I need to carry on in this life

Alone or together
I am all that I need

my ribcage is crushing my heart ever so slightly, not enough to pain me
but enough to keep me on edge
the moon is shining through cracks in my soul and it feels like a re-birth
after all of the harm, the hurt and the pain my body and my mind have endured
everything is beginning again, new and fresh and this time, different

I know more now, than I ever have before, and the feel of your arms has escaped me once more
I have left the past behind, and I can't remember the colour of your walls
or how you liked your coffee in the evenings of the Fall
I have forgotten how it felt to be loved by a monster, I have forgotten it all

the moon shines brighter, and brighter still, and with you out of mind - it begins
the awakening of a new self, a new way of life, I have let the past slide
and I am ready to start again

erase my mind
give me a new heart
I want to start again
I don't want to be in the dark
I want another life
where we would walk through meadows
of marigold and lilac
and we could create our new beings
so that they are in harmony
once again

if I think hard enough
and delve beyond the intoxication
of that friday night I can still remember
how your lips felt pressed against my own
and how your hands felt on my body
and how it felt to be tangled together
the clumsy mouths and stumbling hands
and
I fell for you
hard

she kissed with hungry lips
and reminisced on the times
that cherry blossom petals
would be enticed to her crown
and plant themselves
so softly
and delicately
upon her being
she thought of the soft embrace
the warm summer air
would surely give to her
      never too tight, never feeling forced
      just comforting
and the way the fragile grass
would soften every tumble
every footstep further into the world
and every adventure yet to come
and that was what this sort of love
reminded her of

you only loved me
when the moon was high
         (and you were, too)
and the stars in your eyes
shone so bright
but not because of me

my life so far
it has been spent as a codependant child

I have never been satisfied without the approval
of a parent, a friend, a lover or a foe

I have been somewhat unable to do anything
for myself, by myself

but that is okay
I am 16 years, 1 month, and 5 days old

I have learnt now
     my happiness does not depend on anybody but myself
     I will not allow myself to feel sad over things that will not matter in
     -24 hours
     -7 days
     -4 weeks
     -a year
     I seek to satisfy nobody but myself, those that I love and those that are important
     I am and will always be the primary source of my joy
I was born alone, I will die alone
that is not sad
that is the truth
after everything, I will have nobody but myself
and that is okay

travel with me
walk around forgotten lakes and abandoned forests
make them feel loved again

travel in me
grace the veins under my skin and float around my lungs
make me feel loved again

stay up with me until 5 am
and listen to the rain pouring
save me the washed up *******
"the rain is falling hard and so am I"
don't tell me that
tell me what you really feel for me
tell me why you really treat me like I am your world
only in the early hours of the morning
tell me why the Sunrise changes everything
spare the similies and metaphors
tell it to me straight
why is it your love for me only exists
when the Moon is high
and you are drunk
why does my love for you
stay so coherently in my day and my night
why does it persist to remain
when you can't even remember my name
after it all

sit with me, just for a while
tell me everything I did
to deserve this tragic fate
that is your love

tell me why, after all the good that I have done
why my life came to this
to you
to us

isn't it just cruel?
those endless nights I spent with you
trying to save you
when I couldn't even save myself

the sleepy days that were filled with your hateful words
your spiteful attitude
the insults and the way
that I was always wrong

you found pleasure
in leaving me lonesome
and almost broken
yet still agonisingly alive

and now that I am happy
and have found myself to be
at one with the world and her love
you think that you can come back?

for you can try to hold the past against me
and you can try to put me down
but months on
I am happy now

and I am the real winner here, my dear
because since you left
I have escaped fear, and all of his friends
I can smile proudly and truthfully

I can say that I won this battle
and it was nice to see you lose
because after everything you put me through
I no longer deserve your abuse

our broken love was all that we had
we were lonely souls with nothing to lose
except our friendship and our sanity
we were shattered and helpless
looking for some hope in this seemingly
loveless and hopeless world
with us both left lonely and wanting
someone to hold
we turned to each other
but our hearts turned cold
and to this day I cannot lie
I miss your friendship
and your blue eyes
but I can't forget
the way you hurt me
and the way you completely destroyed me
even though you said
you loved me
                        ( and I know we all lie
                          and I know promises are always broken
                          but you lied about loving
                          me and those kind of lies
                          can destroy people
                          and you said you meant it
                          when you whispered
                          forever but that was nothing more
                          than an alluring deceit )

that one song that reminds me of you
it came on the radio a couple of days ago
and I listened to it closely
I memorised the words
and absorbed the music
I let it control my mind
and demolish my bloodstream
because I miss you
and I needed you back somehow
just for a few minutes

her skin was as white as chalk
and her heart was as cold as ice
and she was still
so very young
but she felt like all her life
would come to an end
if she didn't find
"the one"
soon

she was naive
to the worlds cruel ways
and unbeknown
to the way that life's
most devious plans
always ended in somebody getting hurt
not just her

but she felt alone
with nobody to hold
and so much love to give
and every time
she thought she had found someone
to love and care for
she was taught that love
was a falseness
that existed only
in her fairytales
and her most extraordinary
fantasies

ten thousand ways to confess
how I feel
three little words I can't admit
to you
and these words have graced
the tip of my tongue
a countless amount of times
but the thought of them escaping
my debauched lips
sends shivers down my spine
and I don't think
that I'll ever understand
this whole great concept of love
but on some days I admit
I feel it so strong
like when the snowflakes fall upon your nose
and I kiss them off so lightly
and the way you smile
as the first cup of coffee
graces your elegant lips
and how your eyes light up
when you listen to those songs
                                  our songs
and it's how I feel when I'm with you
I love you

hand in hand, we stood
under blossom trees, your palms
cold  with your fingers wrapped
around my own
dutiful, almost
you belong entangled with me
the wind carries a whisper
of our voices
pleading
let go now, let go, you're holding on too tight
but it feels like you're slipping away
through my clammy palms
your icy hands, numb but still
the pain remains
I can't let go
it doesn't feel like I have anything
left within you to hold onto
you're already gone

all I feel now
is happiness

sorrow has escaped my soul
and the bad energy has left me

I am here now with a smile
ever so wide, gracing my face

and the scars on my body
to show that I am a survivor

and life will always
get better

just hold onto hope
and believe