love is a storm at sea
leaving me lost and alone
surrounded by something
I thought would never hurt me

and your cyanide lips
burnt in a way
that I could never resist
addictive wounds, inflicted by you

love is a quest of who can win
your heart first
me or him?
I'm losing, I'm falling behind

love is a game of how many
can you lead victim
to your locked up heart
    but open lips

so free willed, so meaningless
each kiss to you
is nothing more
than brushing skin

each kiss to me
is a painful sin
like letting myself in
to Hell's open door

it is like opening the walls of my heart
making myself your willing victim
allowing you to make your way
and tear out all my vital veins

so that I feel nothing
nothing but you
inside of my heart, blood and being
but that's nothing new

your nonchalant ways
are driving me insane with
sadness, happiness and jealousy
and rage

the rage and fire of your being
the only thing that occupies
my mind and my heart
and I will tell you just one more thing

I wish I was inside of you too

as if the world wasnt't full of enough heartbreak
you stepped foot into my life

as if my mind wasn't full of enough distress
you slipped into my heart

and now you are all that pollutes my mind
unwanted, yet wanted, all the same

my head is a blur, an absolute mess
and I cannot decipher anything

the only thing that makes sense to me now is the blue in your eyes
and the way it feels to be in your arms

I miss being close to you
I miss you wanting me
I miss your presence

I am always mindful of how this is my fault
always. Always and forever, my fault

we loved one another at the wrong time and that cannot be changed
but what if I had told you the doings in my mind
before now?

What if I had told you, just a matter of weeks ago
that for the past 3 years, I have been in love with you?

I can't change this now, but I wish you loved me too
I can't change our past, I cannot manipulate time and space
I cannot ever be enough for your desperate heart

but you have always been enough for me

my life so far
it has been spent as a codependant child

I have never been satisfied without the approval
of a parent, a friend, a lover or a foe

I have been somewhat unable to do anything
for myself, by myself

but that is okay
I am 16 years, 1 month, and 5 days old

I have learnt now
     my happiness does not depend on anybody but myself
     I will not allow myself to feel sad over things that will not matter in
     -24 hours
     -7 days
     -4 weeks
     -a year
     I seek to satisfy nobody but myself, those that I love and those that are important
     I am and will always be the primary source of my joy
I was born alone, I will die alone
that is not sad
that is the truth
after everything, I will have nobody but myself
and that is okay

stay up with me until 5 am
and listen to the rain pouring
save me the washed up *******
"the rain is falling hard and so am I"
don't tell me that
tell me what you really feel for me
tell me why you really treat me like I am your world
only in the early hours of the morning
tell me why the Sunrise changes everything
spare the similies and metaphors
tell it to me straight
why is it your love for me only exists
when the Moon is high
and you are drunk
why does my love for you
stay so coherently in my day and my night
why does it persist to remain
when you can't even remember my name
after it all

I met you and I saw
brighter parts of the world
everything I looked at
was more vibrant
your eyes gave me a new sense of vision
and life was easy
the clouds always parted for me to see the Sun
the Moon always shone,
bright enough to encase me in her love
(as though I needed it anyway, with you there)
but when you left
so did my light
my saving grace
and all that was right
the water which used to be
the bluest of blues, infinite and beautiful
was nothing more than a place
to fill with tears, tainted by mascara
as grey as my life had surely become
and morning strolls
were torturous
the sharp fresh air was no longer refreshing
it felt like daggers
plunhing into my chest with every breath I took
reminding me that I am alive
and living a life without you

But the storms passed and the days grew brighter once more
and I am more than you and more than us
and I began to see the Sun and the Moon
shining for me once again
and I took in their love and life
I breathed in the morning air that made me feel alive
and it made me realise what I am

I am stardust and moonlight
I am the sun shining through the dull sky
I can grow flowers from my skin
I can fix the world for myself
and heal my own soul
and I am what I need to carry on in this life

Alone or together
I am all that I need

your hair runs through her fingers as soft as silk
your body fits with hers like two pieces of a puzzle
but I am not her
you do not love me
and however long I spend
wishing for a small part of your being
to belong to me
I know now
it will never be

I have waited for so long for you to see me
in the way that I see you
because for 459 days (and counting)
you are what is always upon my mind

I put you high
on a pedestal and no matter how hard I try
you will not come down
you will not be replaced
you are prominent in my mind
you are strong and you are fearless
and you will not allow anyone
to take your place
you fight them all off
but why?

I am stuck on you
and you are stuck on her
and you will not let me be free
of your charm and your wit
your blind eyes
see nothing but her
and I see nothing but you

but this is not what saddens me the most

what breaks me down at 3 am
is that you don't even try

you do not try to give me some freedom from your grasp
but you do not want to allow me into your mind
                                                    your thoughts
                                                    your­ ever-precious heart

why do you want me to love you
if you will not love me back?
why does your beaming smile
guide me amidst lonely tracks?
why do you want me
to love you so badly
if you won't even spare me
the time of day
or the place in your mind
in which you lay peacefully in my own
each and every hour
of each and every day?

I am as pure and divine as God's fallen angel
and my mind runs riots sometimes
I feel the Rogue Creature coarse through my veins
Lucifers being takes hold of my own
leads me down the unforsaken roads
and then I'm left alone
lost in the realms of death and despair
but you know
I'm not religious
and I'm begninning to believe
that all of this is not as it seems
and your declerations of love
mean nothing when they come
from the heart and mouth
of a drunken paramour
and it is apparent only now
that my own personal Hell
has been derived by you
all along

I'm holding on too tight
and I can't let go
I hold onto your heart
and I hold onto the smile
that graced your lips
after we kissed
but you regret everything
now we're back to our harsh realities
and although it's been months
my desperate lungs
are still screaming out for you
to hold me once more
under one more full moon
on the darkest of all the nights
to tell me you love me
one last time

We were both drunk
I know
and you said it was all as friends
but you knew I already loved you

You kissed me
you held me close to you
and even in my most vulnerable state
still all you did
was hold me in your arms
until the intoxication passed

Your lips touched mine
and it threw me into the deep end
"Just friends" you repeated
over and over
but I was so enthralled by you

I still am

but we're only friends

you only loved me
when the moon was high
         (and you were, too)
and the stars in your eyes
shone so bright
but not because of me

it was almost as though ten thousand moons
shone through your irises
but I still felt like I was fumbling my way
through an endless tunnel
desolate and alone
in complete darkness
        vulnerable
with no guidance
even though you claimed to be by my side

a hand to hold
a shoulder to cry on
                    the usual clichés
                    few are able to find

all that's left of you and I
is the worn out sweater that you left behind
and when I miss you
I throw it over my fragile bones
pretend its you

wrap it round and round and round my body
                          it's huge on me, you know
                          I haven't been eating so much since you've been gone
lonliness           (or maybe insanity)
has driven me to the point
of missing someone
I never even knew

in some ways I believe
there is a world beyond our own
so much greater
so much more beauty

but then I listen to the raindrops
fall softly against my skin
and watch as the sun climbs out
and the rain and sun come together
            complete opposites
to create the elegance of a rainbow

I watch in awe as fields of rolling bluebells
blow so softly in the breeze
and I listen to the wind
whispering stories to the trees
and the birds chirping back a response

the mystique of the moon and the wonders that it holds
the secrets of women and men that it has never told
I watch as the stars glow softly
thinking that maybe there cannot be a place
even half as beautiful as this

she kissed with hungry lips
and reminisced on the times
that cherry blossom petals
would be enticed to her crown
and plant themselves
so softly
and delicately
upon her being
she thought of the soft embrace
the warm summer air
would surely give to her
      never too tight, never feeling forced
      just comforting
and the way the fragile grass
would soften every tumble
every footstep further into the world
and every adventure yet to come
and that was what this sort of love
reminded her of

she looked deep into the eyes
of a boy whom she knew
would never be hers
         'never in a million years' she was told
and she knew that this was true
but her eyes would not falter
her gaze could not move
and there was something about this boy
            that she admired so truly
            and so deeply
and her mind could not begin
to fathom what it was
it was incomprehensible
and it broke her down
into the tiniest shards
of confusion and admiration

the pools of blue in this boys eyes
were like endless oceans
of pure wonder
and thoughts so intricate
no mind could decode
the secrets of the waters
that lie behind those irises

I wish I could tell you how
you make me feel
like ten thousand stars
are nothing compared to your eyes

and I wish I had the capability
to describe the butterflies
that occupy the entirety of my tummy
whenever you are around

I want to be able to let you know
that your smile brings sunshine
to the stormiest of days
and the darkest nights, alone

I want to tell you how I feel
when your arms wrap around me
keeping me safe from a world
of nothing but false love

I wish you loved me
like I loved you

you took my heart
and hid it away
you took my mind
and twisted it
you let me fall for
a soul as bittersweet
as your own
and then you told me
"it's just as friends"
you took my kisses
you held me close
you said you were sorry
and my feelings you supposed
you knew how I felt
and you didn't want to hurt me
but the taste of your lips
is one I'll never forget
and your soft touch
is my greatest regret

if I think hard enough
and delve beyond the intoxication
of that friday night I can still remember
how your lips felt pressed against my own
and how your hands felt on my body
and how it felt to be tangled together
the clumsy mouths and stumbling hands
and
I fell for you
hard

that one song that reminds me of you
it came on the radio a couple of days ago
and I listened to it closely
I memorised the words
and absorbed the music
I let it control my mind
and demolish my bloodstream
because I miss you
and I needed you back somehow
just for a few minutes

ten thousand ways to confess
how I feel
three little words I can't admit
to you
and these words have graced
the tip of my tongue
a countless amount of times
but the thought of them escaping
my debauched lips
sends shivers down my spine
and I don't think
that I'll ever understand
this whole great concept of love
but on some days I admit
I feel it so strong
like when the snowflakes fall upon your nose
and I kiss them off so lightly
and the way you smile
as the first cup of coffee
graces your elegant lips
and how your eyes light up
when you listen to those songs
                                  our songs
and it's how I feel when I'm with you
I love you

I have memorised the way
that your lips move
to the doleful tune of
I love you
the bitter taste
on your tongue
leaving a sour aftertaste
in my mind

you are the hint of something sweeter
better than this
and more comprehendable
to my sour mind
than anything else
and if nothing else
in these incoherent realms of abstinence
makes any sense to me
but you
then I think
I am afraid

your voice was running short
your breath growing raspy
and you couldn't speak any more
but I hope you saw me in your dreams, darling

I hope you thought of me
in your blissful escape from reality
even if it was only temporary
I hope I crossed your mind
even for a short time

love is the kind of feeling you get
when your feet are struck by the rolling ocean
and your arms are wrapped around the boy you've always cared about
the feeling you get when your hands are hovering over a bonfire
                    and it looks so alluring, you want to touch it, wrap yourself in it, submerge your being
                    in all that it is
but you know that you can't
because it would hurt far too much

love is the greatest risk and the biggest comfort of all the world
it's a leap of faith and a step too far
it hurts
but you don't care
because its so
beautiful

laying beside you
paying very close attention
to the way your chest
          s
        e
      s
    i
  r

and

  f
     a
        l
           l
              s

so delictaely

and the way you toss and turn
so elegantly in your slumber

your eyes shut tight
your lips half open
and i just
want
to
kiss
you

loving her was like the first cup of coffee
on a saturday morning
sweet and divine
and nothing short of perfection

it was surrounded by endless birdsong
and delicate snowdrops
and frozen fingertips, clinging to one another
for warmth and protection

the closeness that can only be described
as something that is more extraordinary
than anything in the movies
or your dreams

a sense of belonging that you can't find
anywhere but her
her heart my home and her mind my
safety, away from the harm of the world

a soul so beautiful
my old romantic poetry books couldn't
even begin to compare
to this

she was perfect
                    she is perfect
I loved her
                    I love her

rain poured down
at 3am
and all I could do
was smile
and it's true when they say
that it's the little things in life
that bring you real joy
the soothing sound of something else
falling as hard and as fast me

her skin was as white as chalk
and her heart was as cold as ice
and she was still
so very young
but she felt like all her life
would come to an end
if she didn't find
"the one"
soon

she was naive
to the worlds cruel ways
and unbeknown
to the way that life's
most devious plans
always ended in somebody getting hurt
not just her

but she felt alone
with nobody to hold
and so much love to give
and every time
she thought she had found someone
to love and care for
she was taught that love
was a falseness
that existed only
in her fairytales
and her most extraordinary
fantasies

your eyes
are so beautiful
and it would be an honour
to drown in them

your smile was the only home
that I have ever known
your mind the only place
that I could ever call my own
I built myself on foundations that were made up of you
and when you left me
I was still stuck on you
unable to move

the only reason
i ever submitted
to all of your childish needs
was because i was alone
vulnerable and broken
and in need of a hand to hold
and the fact it just happened to be you
that tripped me up
along the path to recovery
is the only reason
i will ever look back
upon my past and frown

all I feel now
is happiness

sorrow has escaped my soul
and the bad energy has left me

I am here now with a smile
ever so wide, gracing my face

and the scars on my body
to show that I am a survivor

and life will always
get better

just hold onto hope
and believe

erase my mind
give me a new heart
I want to start again
I don't want to be in the dark
I want another life
where we would walk through meadows
of marigold and lilac
and we could create our new beings
so that they are in harmony
once again

it was the way you never even looked back
or apologised for any of your doings
that really led me to believe that i was simply
n o t h i n g
and you did all you could
to take any light from my life
to make a vulnerable young girl
feel like she was alone
in the vastness of the universe
and that is dangerous
so d a n g e r o u s
and for that
i am never forgiving

fingertips
pulsating against my spine
you could see inside of me
into my mind
                               i swear
and i don't know how
but from the second we spoke
you knew me
and i knew you
and i fooled myself into thinking
that this was love
          the most debauched and broken kind that there is
hearts and souls
broken far beyond repair
and my mind
had been twisted
into something unruly
something that is convinced
it is no way worthy
of true love
only hatred and pain
and i was convinced that this was true
until now
until i found happiness
in you leaving
and discovered a new way
to live in harmony with nature
and all of her ways
to love oneself
before loving another
to smile at the way
the wind blows
and the trees whisper
and allow the moon
the stars
the sun and the plants
to lighten my way

sit with me, just for a while
tell me everything I did
to deserve this tragic fate
that is your love

tell me why, after all the good that I have done
why my life came to this
to you
to us

isn't it just cruel?
those endless nights I spent with you
trying to save you
when I couldn't even save myself

the sleepy days that were filled with your hateful words
your spiteful attitude
the insults and the way
that I was always wrong

you found pleasure
in leaving me lonesome
and almost broken
yet still agonisingly alive

and now that I am happy
and have found myself to be
at one with the world and her love
you think that you can come back?

for you can try to hold the past against me
and you can try to put me down
but months on
I am happy now

and I am the real winner here, my dear
because since you left
I have escaped fear, and all of his friends
I can smile proudly and truthfully

I can say that I won this battle
and it was nice to see you lose
because after everything you put me through
I no longer deserve your abuse

being in love
was never meant to be this hard
and the stains and scars
that taint my soul
were all laid to rest there
by you

and when I look into the stars
all I see
are the many ways you hurt
and demoralised me

but in saying I love you
would be all but the truth
because honestly dear
I can't stand even the thought of you

sadness became more like a drug to her
her mind becoming
more and more clouded
with the darkness in her head
and her eyes
looking more lonesome
and desperate
every single day

she would hear the voices
and they told her to do it
they told her to stay this way
they told her she had a choice
eternal sadness
or eternal sleep

she liked the look of the pills
pink and blue and brown
and she liked sleeping a lot
and she found the little pieces of metal
so pretty
and shiny
and bright
            everything she wanted to be
but she didn't understand
what the voices had meant
for she was
far
too
tired
and she couldn't handle being so sad
and so she chose sleep

I want to run away
to escape the trivial doings of everyday life
the same routine
every
single
day
I just want to escape
to a land so far away
and be free

To be able to love the world
the grass
the sky
the sun
the moon
the stars
                  the simple beauties of nature

to be able to love those things
so simple
so pure
so alluring

to be set free of the boundaries set
by rules
and laws
and society

to finally be
                            f   r     e         e

I would no longer be restricted
or judged
or held back

and my future
it would truly be
in my own hands
and I could do as I please

a free soul
wandering the Earth
with nothing to stop me

not having to follow
the same old routine
                                        go to school, then university, then get a good job that you hate, get married                          
                                         buy a nice house and car, be miserable, be boring
I can live my own life
as I really want to

I can be at one
with the planet

The Moon's child
the stars       dancing by my side
the milky way swirling around me, a staircase to forever
The Sun holding my hand
                palms sweaty with apprehension
the grass my blanket
the breeze my goodnight kiss

a simple life
fulfilled with simple
yet such extraordinary
desires