you never ask if im okay
i kiss you and i taste your lips so bitter against mine
you spat on me, your venom felt like some sort of ******* haven
id rather have you poisoning me than spend a day without you
youd rather i just ******* but no one else will give you as much attention

i want you to ask how i am, what im feeling
i want you to kiss me like you actually ******* mean it
not like you're just passing the time

i think about you and something in my stomach twists
it's not butterflies and i know that because butterflies dont sting
i didn't think you would sting and ache and bruise me this bad

i push you off me and you just walk away
i try to run back to you but i just stumble
you watch me fall and carry on walking

and no i'm not okay

i dont know you yet but who ******* cares
we're both young and confused and lonely
i dont really want this and neither do you
but its been so ******* long since i felt someones touch
and i know its the same for you
cheap love cheap beer **** blow and the comedown never ******* ends
i dont even feel the high anymore
you dont either
but we both pretend
its more fun that way isnt it?
more fun
synonymous of less awkward
reality doesn't exist to me anymore
so why be honest to the world outside
when the world outside isn't honest with me

numbers letters and shapes flicker through my brain at a thousand miles a second
i cant keep up with the thoughts that won't up and leave
i string together everything i can to create something more easy for me to fathom
your name appears instantly in my head
the only thing that ever really makes any sense
i kick through the void ive closed myself into
and i flee to you
my only escape and my only comfort
and now you're drifting away again
like before
and im reaching out to hold your hand
but i just fall to the floor
wanting more
needing it all
but everything merges together again too fast for me to keep up
i shut my door and i sit on my hands
no point trying to grasp for anything like you again

never again will i try to escape the void
the void is the only thing that keeps me sane
everything else just ***** me over

bitter inconsistencies in the world
one minute she loves me
next minute shes setting me on fire and turning me to ash in her mind

i dont know where i stand with her
i just want to stand beside her
hold her hand and remind her that her demons won't be here forever

and i'd fight them all off for her
if she would just guide me
through the shadowed parts of her mind that i know she tries to hide

i want to trace the scars on her arms and ribs
remind her that the demons cant seep back in
id kiss the marks and tell her they were permanently healed

no way for the terrors that haunt her soul
to find their way back when i banish them to hell
i'd do that for her

it's difficult to explain the inner workings of your mind
when you feel like you're living your entire life
floating through time, not exactly here
but not sure where

conversations consist of incoherent thoughts and words
nothing strings together quite like it used to
poetry isn't an outlet anymore
it's a way of ensuring words won't fail me all the time

feeling let down by my own dissonance
the inside of my head isn't in tune with the outside of my head
my thoughts don't match my actions
my words don't fit with my thoughts

mental illness or drugs? or what?
I don't know anymore, I'm not sure I ever really did
I can't get a grip on the world, and my thoughts betray me
as I'm screaming my favourite songs from the top of my lungs

I say what I mean but don't mean what I say, was I right no?
no
can't connect to the music like I used to
can't feel in the way that I want to

numb to everything outside of my mind
can't find my bearing outside of my mind
safer inside than outside my mind
can't get away from the thoughts plaguing my mind
stuck inside

hand in hand, we stood
under blossom trees, your palms
cold  with your fingers wrapped
around my own
dutiful, almost
you belong entangled with me
the wind carries a whisper
of our voices
pleading
let go now, let go, you're holding on too tight
but it feels like you're slipping away
through my clammy palms
your icy hands, numb but still
the pain remains
I can't let go
it doesn't feel like I have anything
left within you to hold onto
you're already gone

it wasn't enough to hear you say that you love me,
I needed proof, hard proof, evidence
that a being like yourself even had a heart inside that skeletal cage,
does it beat? Or just lay still
like your body when you're beside me.

I know you don't love me any more,
your heart stopped beating at least 3 months ago
and before that I have a feeling it was black, and cold as ice, anyway

you'd beg for kisses, and more, and tell me you love me
as you collapsed in a heap next to me
but never on me, there was always distance between us
even when we should be the closest one human can get to another

but I felt the space between us, turn from a crack, to a gaping hole
you never told me you loved me when I kissed you, or when I had to blow your nose
because you were too sick to even move your arms

you never said you loved me when I cooked us breakfast on a rainy morning
and you listened to me humming our song, under a breath laced with regret
and that morning I let you wind your arms around my front, and you whispered in my ear
I thought you'd say you loved me, you just told me the eggs were cooked wrong

It felt as though her body was an ocean, and despite her petite size, she held the power of a thousand men. Sometimes it would wash over your own body so peacefully, so daintily, you could never be sure if you had felt it at all. You could never be sure she had ever really been there at all. The only evidence that remained of her presence was the tingling feeling you always felt after she had left. Always. Besides that there was nothing, as a being so seemingly magical as herself would leave you in a daze, a daydream, wishing she might return, but you could never be sure of that, either. She left you feeling cleansed, renewed, like the world could never hurt you or taint you again. Almost as though each and every drop of water on the planet had submerged you, with no intention of letting you free. But did you even want to escape? Of course not.

Sometimes she was too much to handle, a tidal wave of fury and rage and angst, but mostly compassion. She felt empathy towards all the souls she encountered and would love every living creature with a heart so large I wasn’t sure it could fit inside her tiny ribcage. The force of the waves she threw upon you were too much to withstand, and she would send the breath from your lungs and leave stars in your eyes and a feeling of disorientation. You felt euphoric, a unique kind of high that no chemically encrypted drug could ever bring you close to. And you felt the comedown too. You felt it stronger than a drug induced comedown could ever force. You missed her with every aching bone in your body and your heart felt like it was a time bomb set to explode, triggered by her.

She would always take your breath away. She removed the air from your lungs and replaced it with her own. Your breaths, she fashioned into words. Words of love, and romance, and wisdom. Words of lust. The things she desired most but would never be attainable from other beings so simplistic in comparison. Nobody ever really asked why she did this, but nobody ever really wanted to. The curiosity sent you to madness at night, spending each and every darkened hour awake, with questions that felt as though they burnt holes in your brain. Nobody ever wanted to ask her. They were curious, yes. But the fear of becoming the moon to the sea and driving in the tidal waves outweighed the yearning for knowledge. This is rare within humankind, as the thirst for knowledge is unstoppable. Always wanting more.
More, more, more.
She had control over us, and we didn’t mind one bit.

I want to be your thoughts at 3 am
When the rain is falling silently
And I cant decipher whether its your heartbeat
Leaving such a sour taste in the back of my
Throat
Or if its just the bottle of ***** we shared
Burning the memories and the words you spoke into the depths of my neck

And I claw cause I want them gone
But I know once they're erased
I'll be screaming for the taste
And I'll miss you in the way that im so thankful youre gone

Can the rainfall translate into words of love
in the same way your heartbeats always patted
out the same old beat, I love you
I love you too

  Could the wind through the trees
ever whisper as softly as you did at 3 am
when we stayed awake all night just trying
to remain alive?

  The heavy breaths I felt on my chest
before you would awaken and kiss me a little too hard
were always the most calming sounds I believed any
human could make

  The storm clouds don't really exist anywhere
outside of my mind, and the lightning struck lovers
that we always were just had to see the sunrise
one day

it seems strange that by the will of myself
I stumbled across a person like you
that sees only the good in destroying oneself
and never thinks about the consequences
of words, actions and thoughts

I noticed how swollen your knuckles were
on the day that I first met you - nothing has changed,
I suppose you still find adrenaline and comfort
in punching walls.
They can't feel, you know.

you always hide your hair under a hat,
but I can't deduct why. I know that very few people
have seen your bare head, your bare body, but why
do you hide it, when I know how beautiful
it really is?

your pasty skin, your prominent bones,
your cut up shins and bruised arms
and the rise and fall of your chest
when you're laying beside me
at midnight

you lie there next to me
we don't speak
we both feel too dizzy
our heads are too light
despite how full they feel
and our eyes are rolling back
into our skulls, trying to read
our own minds
we can't even do that much
we are helpless and intoxicated
my head rolls, too
it always finds its way to your shoulder
no matter how strange I may feel
I never really understood why
until I looked into my heart
and saw nothing,
because my mind was preoccupied
thinking of you

these weekends are getting the better of me
beginning to take their toll on me
starting to make me question things
finishing with thoughts that leave me confused
but I found out one thing
I really like being around you

time passes by more slowly when you're not around, and I cannot fathom why
maybe it's because when I'm missing you, I spend so much time thinking about the little things
like the way your hair falls when you're sleeping next to me, and the sparks I feel when our fingers collide briefly, and it's enough to drive my head into a spin
I fall into a world where time ceases to exist, and in that world I'm surrounded by you and all the little things that make me fall deeper, and when I leave I feel sadder than I did before
because you aren't there,
and the hours in my head were minutes in real time, and it's going to be so much longer until I see you again
I count down the days and the minutes and the seconds
I count up the ways I could tell you how I feel
but the moment I see you every ounce of common sense escapes me
and I've left myself at a dead end, because I'm only your friend, and nothing more
I've allowed myself to fall into a place that I never wanted to be, and when I'm lying next to you, you don't care, but when you're lying next to me, the world seems more colourful, and I don't feel as dark, my mind feels alive but my body is paralysed by the feel of your breath on my neck

I sleep a lot more now, because being awake is harder without you around

Words that echo in the corridoors
and passageways of an empty mind,
with no company from any-body, from any-thing.
Because no bodies, and no things, can replace what is missing.
Lonely, and looking for a place to be.

Lonely, in the most unsettling sense of the word.
The type of lonely that makes your bones feel cold
and the only thing that can warm you up
is a lightning bolt through your skeletal remains
but that requires you to feel something.
And you know you can't do that, you're too numb.
Too numb - because your mind is too empty.

It's like a game that you can't win,
you've always thought this, but you dare not admit it
because this will happen. You know your mind is vacant
and that once you think it, you will always think it
because words echo inside your head, and you can't forget it
once it's been said.

do you mean to tell me, Sir, that the turn of a century
means a change in our ways?
that the start of a new millennia will successively bring
a new wave of respect for me?

don't look so ******* sour darlin', I didn't hurt you
3 hours ago, with the walk home I take everyday,
comes the abuse I must also take daily
and my inner monologue is drowning every ounce of self control I hold
but my fearful mouth is paralysed by the anxiety
or is it the fear that has been built into my body
since the day I was born, to tell me never to resist
to the cat calls, the wolf whistles, the rowdy drunken men
shouting at me, always shouting

*******, love, it was only a compliment
A compliment.
Is dehumanising me, demoralising me, and leaving me afraid
supposed to fill my heart with delight? Or the utmost fear.
You knew which you would inflict upon me. You always know.
My palms are sweaty as I walk away, I try to stay calm.
If you see me cry. You see me weak. You will try to attack.

be careful walking home if it's dark, keep something small and sharp with you
would my parents have chanted this mantra to me,
each and every day
had they conceived a boy? No.
Would my gut be plagued with pain and fright
at the thought of crossing a group of boys
in the blackness of night
if I was not a woman? No.
Do I deserve this? In a society  that

*Being a woman is frightful. Being alive in this time, is the most painful thing
I will ever have to endure.
But boys. Don't you forget.
I may be young, and slightly feeble now.
But I am a lioness.
I am growing. I am sharpening my teeth and claws.

I am ready. Do not push me too far. I am ready, to pounce and
to destroy all that has ever sought to destroy me
I am strong. I am stronger than you, and any male
that has ever tried to break me.
You are nothing but putrid boys.
I will not back down. I will not stand around
and watch you attack my sisters.
I am a woman.
And yes, you should be scared.

I want to know you and the way
your mind spins out of control almost
every day, and the way that the tides
dance in your eyes and the way your lips
hover above mine, just slightly

leaning in for that one last kiss
and for the first time
after all of this
I will know you - in the final possible moments
that I will ever have the chance to

wishful thinking of brighter skies
more love, less hate, and calmer tides
not the running water but the waves in my mind
they're crashing again, too hard
tearing apart the walls of my head
breaking it apart into something new

I am enlightened

I fall in love with boys that I've only known for a night
in badly lit rooms, unfamiliar to me,
with music I've never heard before playing very loud, maybe too much so.

What is so addictive about intoxicating myself, painting my lips red
and brandishing these boys' cheeks, and mouths and tongues
with a shade of lipstick that is maybe too overbearing, and tastes cheap.

All the while they brandish me, with unforgettable eyes, a kiss,
maybe too good to be true, and a personality that soars through the skies
leaving me attached, again, to someone too good for myself.

I haven't moved on, I haven't moved on
I'm still stuck on you and I never even knew you
I never felt your hand in mine and it's still the only thing I need
I never knew the way your breath warmed the crevices in my neck
and I still wish to know how your lips would feel
pressed to mine, at 3 am when your touch is the only thing
I desire deeply enough to deny myself sleep
I don't know what you meant when you said you couldn't tell me
I didn't understand, and it's been nearly a year,
but I still don't
and sometimes when I look at the grass, and in the sky
and at the bottom of a bottle of cheap *****
I think of you
and I think of how you left
and I think of how much I still can't comprehend
and I had no closure
and you didn't care
no closure
no closure
no means of explanation
just a body that I never knew
and a pair of hands that float in thin air
and arms that will not hold me in 5 years
when I'm still unstable thanks to my first love

sometimes i wish i had people to talk to
about what goes on inside my head
but then i remember i’m overtly content
with living inside my own mind
without the need for interruptions
caused by other human beings,

because i’ve come to learn
through the experiences of others
that when you let people in
you are letting them drag you down
with the weight of their being
on top of your own

if my eyes were never meant to see the world
at 6 am, as the sun is rising, and my blood is pumping through my veins
so fast, I feel lightening could be replacing my cells

and if my lips were never supposed to meet yours,
on nights alone, with a lot of fumbling, and suppressed giggles
between words that were worse left unsaid

and if my ears were not placed upon my person, to hear the way
you laugh as I tell you stories, or to listen to you whispering weakened
'I love you's at 3 am

then tell me why I was born unto this Earth at all?

I am not ready for commitment, or to know
that I am loved, loved in a way
that will lead to spilling of brains
and hearts out of ribcages
opened weak, vulnerable
resulting in hurt and tears

I am not enough at peace with my heart
nor my ability to trust and open up
to have such a permanent placement in my life
I want red lipstick smeared on wine glasses
filled with ***** and whiskey
late nights in warm rooms, too warm
with something funny to smoke
to feel slightly relieved when the boy I kissed
for 3 hours last night, knew I meant nothing to him
as he meant nothing to me
I am not prepared to part
with the "one night only" lovers
and the fun that comes
with being young

to be free, to stay free
a soul that is not ready to be locked away
in exchange of an open cage
for a brittle heart that cracks
under the slightest pressure

im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me

things change over time and I know this far too well
but when I'm looking at you
and your eyes begin to swirl into patterns that I feel like I have always known
I feel time stand still, I feel everything stop in this world
and in that time, the only thing I can think of is you
the way you look in the mornings when the light cuts through the blinds
how you smile when you look at me, when we kiss
the way your fingers intertwine with mine...
and then I am awakened
not sourly, but in the most lovely manner
with the feeling of your lips pressed to mine
and your arms around me
and I know that if I ever am scared of the moon falling
and the sun's rays ceasing to shine
I can look into your eyes on the darkest nights,
freeze everything, and know that you are mine

dreams held under late night street lights
kisses escaping lips under the moonlight and the stars
and broken hearts scattered along the street corner
over heartless text messages and bitter words, comes what they call love

teen-sweethearts ripped apart by lies and despair
and new loves and new chance
and never will they be remembered for what they really were
but only the grass stained clothing and the smoky kitchens at 2 am

the late night kisses that mean nothing any more
the "I love you's" in hushed tones and the hand holding
the strolls in the wet grass on a crisp winter day
the borrowing of sweaters and sharing of cigarettes

I don't know any more whether I am asking for too much
in today's society of rushed thoughtless texts and less and less
true love, just flings and secrets and Facebook chats
I don't want that, I want fire, I want true passion

I want a love that keeps me awake all night
a love where my mind is so tangled around you
I can't think, for the whirlwind of your presence
always in my mind, always on my lips, always in my lungs

"please don't think I'm crazy"* you said to me, with a horror on your face,
                                                                ­           that words can't describe
why in the world would I think that?
                      "sometimes I feel, like my bones are fake, and the structure that I am, will soon surely break
                         and all that will be left is a soul and a broken heart, never pieced together right, as it was
                         broken from the start."
I stay silent. You continue
                      "the human form feels so weak, it feels like a densely packed piece of nonsense, where my
                        mind is a fragmented puzzle, bursting at the seams, and then girls like you come along
                        girls like you that make me weak at the knees, and I wonder if my heart is overpowering
                        my endless thoughts of despair and weakness and lack of hope and I realise that maybe
                        if I can't save myself, then in this infinite universe of unanswered questions and unknown
                        possibilities and piles and piles of doubt that add up like the ***** laundry, well maybe
                        if I can't save myself, you can save me"
we both cried, and I held you, and I knew that if you thought you were insane, then I must be too, I told you I felt the same, I let you save me, now it is my turn to save you

I feel that the body I have been given is too small
too small for the infinities that my mind and soul create
inside of me every minute, of every day

like my brain is wild with ideas too big
to fit inside their casing
and my body too weak, to hold my thoughts

words do not come easy to me, though not through lack of language.
There is too much inside my head to unscramble the jumbled mess
of words and thoughts and ideas, too strong, too strong for me

this body is weak in comparison to the colours and feelings inside of me
this measly shell, restricting my mind from reaching out
and experiencing the true form of this world, and the next

a flesh encasing that my brain is dependant on, yet what if it were not?
what if my soul was cast adrift with ideas I was not aware had came to exist
what if once my mind was free? what would happen then?

my mind is living somewhere else,
and I think that is where my soul eternally resides
and I will find it one day, one day, one day

my ribcage is crushing my heart ever so slightly, not enough to pain me
but enough to keep me on edge
the moon is shining through cracks in my soul and it feels like a re-birth
after all of the harm, the hurt and the pain my body and my mind have endured
everything is beginning again, new and fresh and this time, different

I know more now, than I ever have before, and the feel of your arms has escaped me once more
I have left the past behind, and I can't remember the colour of your walls
or how you liked your coffee in the evenings of the Fall
I have forgotten how it felt to be loved by a monster, I have forgotten it all

the moon shines brighter, and brighter still, and with you out of mind - it begins
the awakening of a new self, a new way of life, I have let the past slide
and I am ready to start again

how am I ever supposed to feel at home again?
when your eyes were like a fireplace - warming me, and lighting my way
my home is so far away now that you are gone
I was never anything to you, I understand that
you were never really much to me either, until you left

the house I live in is just bricks and mortar, torn away wallpaper
and numbed down memories of a childhood I can scarce remember
what is a house of stones and wood compared to a home
of warm flesh and eyes like the pools of water that only exist in my mind?
a home with arms that can hold you safe, not walls that keep you restrained

have you ever been told to simply "*******" and been left stranded somewhere?
or kicked out of a party at 3 am in the winter and forced to walk 7 miles
back to your house, all the while you're still a little drunk, staggering a little
left feeling like your feet are somewhere else because you're so cold and you didn't think
to bring a sweater. Or you didn't want to, because the only ones you have used to be his.

I lost my train of thought, that tends to happen when I think of you
when you walked away, it felt like being kicked out of the only place I felt I belonged
no wonder the concept of a stable home is so hard for me to comprehend
after the storm that you took in your stride and threw upon me, then left me with, alone.

stable? I don't know stable after knowing you. You were a hurricane of fiercest proportions
you were long limbs that wrapped me up a little too tight, and screamed at me
told me you were home, and I was yours. You were a home that left me house bound
to the point you stopped feeling like a home, until you apologised for everything
and now it's been a long time since I last spoke to you, not long enough, but too long
and you still feel like a home to me

sometimes I miss the past, and places that I never even knew
I miss central New York in the 1950's
it doesn't matter to me that I'm an English girl born in the 90's

I miss the person that I was yesterday, and the day before that
I always feel so self-critical in the present, so worried
I miss when I wasn't, even though I know
that I always have been

I miss stargazing with you, but that didn't happen either
only in my mind
that creates infinities of realities that will never exist

I miss that time that you told me with such arrogance
never talk to me again, I am more than you will ever be
this did happen, I didn't make this up
I only miss it because that's the last time you spoke to me.
How sick and delusional must I be to feel that way?

is it that sickness that leads my mind astray
into weary fantasies that I can never be?
I don't know any more.
I miss New York in the 50's.

if the past haunts you, then exorcise yourself
bathe yourself in the sunlight
and bid goodnight to Mother Moon
lay down in fields of daisies and lavender
take in their scent, as they will take in you, as one of them
hug the trees, feel their bark beneath your hands
tend to their needs, love them as you will learn to love yourself
let the stars of the night sky, guide you to a better life
as you relearn your ways.
Feel the grass and the mud
and the dirt of the Earth between your toes
it may feel unusual to begin with, but let it be
you will grow accustomed to the way that nature infiltrates you
you will learn to love it, as it loves you
and then, you will learn to love yourself, soon

this is where you allow the past to be left where it belongs
as a place in the foggiest realms of your mind
not to be forgotten, but just left untouched

you are here, now
you are a living being full of might and beauty
with potential explosive enough
to brighten the dusky night skies

you are free to live with the Earth
and you are free to live in this moment
do not let the more dismal times
that left you in dismay
stunt the being you are growing to be
now you've left behind those days

the future is calling and it is not to be ignored
nor is to be feared, or delayed

you don't need a boy
to pick you up when you are down
you have yourself

don't drown yourself
when you know how to swim

stay awake until you are tired
do not force yourself to sleep, or to stay conscious

if someone asks you how your day was
don't lie and say it was good, if it was not
they asked because they care

do not fear the indifference you feel
you are not numb to the whole world and it will pass

don't do anything unless you want to
this goes for ***, school, work and love

nothing in this world comes above your health
if it means failing a test, losing a job, or ending a relationship
do what you must to withhold your wellbeing

all bad things in moderation can be good
moderation is key here

love is never to be feared, nor is it to be abused
love is to be taken when needed
and given back when necessary

nobody can tell you how to live or who to love
nobody but yourself

if that boy you like
asks to take you out on a drive at midnight
and you don't think you can go, do it anyway
but stay safe

face the consequences of all of your actions
with dignity and pride

it's Friday night and the week has been tough
don't give up now
take a sip of  your parents' rosé wine
coat your lips in rouge
and love yourself

you are scared of recovery, of course you are
your mind tells you that if you get better
the people that feed you attention will leave
don't let that stunt you

at the end of the day, all you have is yourself
nobody else, just you. That seems scary now, doesn't it?
because right now, you are part of a battle between your mind
your heart, your soul, and your wellbeing

take the fear, and the strength you use to battle yourself
use it to battle the demons that crawl through the cracks in your puzzled head
take that burning self-loathing, take it and use it to pull yourself out
away from the black holes in your mind. Your mind, an unsolved puzzle, fix it

the burn marks and the rotting teeth and the scratches on your arm
the protuding ribs and the bruised limbs and the tearful eyes
they do not define you, they are not what makes you the person you are
they will never define you unless you allow them to, and you won't

the fire in your heart that has kept you here until now, and the fight you just can't give up
for the moments you find yourself lost in a daydream of the times ahead when you have esccaped
let those carry you onwards, let the everlasting fires burn brighter than before, and fight
fight harder than you ever have, because this battle will be hard but it can be won

if that was love, then I no longer wish to have a heart
I would pull apart my limbs, in attempts to make you happy
and still my heart would remain, despite desperate endeavours
on my part of course, to break it apart, crack it open and set it free

I never knew of the touch of your hands, or your lips against mine
and the feel of my head in the crook of your neck at 3 am
when I felt like I had absolutely nothing left
nothing but you, or so I thought

I didn't know you inside or out, and I no longer wish to now,
I can add you to the infinite list of things that never made sense to me
amongst algebra, and formulae and chemical bonds
comes your name, written in red, then crossed out 10 times
in an attempt to forget

you still appear in my deepest dreams
or nightmares, either way it is put
you still remain in slithers and cracks
in the darkest parts of my mind

to peek through a door left slightly ajar
even though you know that nothing good can come
was what it was like to know you
to say it was love, would be too dense, naive

with no form of closure
comes a means of keeping me trapped
and although the smiles that adorn my face are true
so are the night terrors, that all involve you.

your scent lingers, in the way that the moon never rushes to go down in the winter
in the way that it is a beautiful blend of moonlight, lavender, and whiskey
the moon is always beautiful and nobody complains of her presence
the same is said for you

your legs tangle with mine, and it's hard to write this without feeling drowsy
nostalgic for your touch, and your head in the crook of my neck
your hair is always so soft, and so are your lips and I don't know how
but I like the way they tickle my chin

I can feel your fingers, skimming through my hair, hard to the touch
but with softer intentions they do bear, I could say the same for your heart
cold on the outside, a mix of steel and ice, but on the inside is a battle
of brimstone and fire

I think I'm beginning to understand, your smile when you are asleep,
and the reason behind your favourite books and works of art
I think I'm beginning to understand, why love is a term not to be used lightly
and especially not around you

I try to spell it out to you, as simply as I can
I would write you notes,
but you'd claim you've forgotten how to read

I would call you, tell you everything
but I would be answered with a monotoned voice
telling me you've disconnected your phone

I try to find you in the crowd,
try to visit your house
you're never in, but you're never out

I don't know where you went, or maybe I do
maybe I don't want to know where you went
maybe the thought of you being gone, is too much

even for me

all I wanted to tell you is that I love you, but it's too late now
too late
always too late

one day
one day, somebody will fall irrevocably in love
with the clumsiness of your limbs
and your uneven fringe
and the way that no matter what may burden you
you plaster a smile upon your lips
the way that you stay up
until 3 am
reading a novel that has you hooked
almost as hooked as you are to them
someone will fall in love
with your scars from the past
and the way that sometimes the world is too harsh
and you can't hold back the tears
and you won't have to
not any more
the way that pastel swirls of moonlight
are your only road to comfort
and the way that one day
in the rarest of moments
you might tell them
that you love them

one day
can we live in an old cottage
in the middle of an imaginary lake
a land made of clouds
where forests shade me
and the moon illuminates my way
where the sun shines almost as bright as your eyes
let me braid your hair
and hold your hand
allow me to show you around the skies
allow me to show you inside of my mind

please, may I hold your hand
and steal a kiss from your chapped lips?

travel with me
walk around forgotten lakes and abandoned forests
make them feel loved again

travel in me
grace the veins under my skin and float around my lungs
make me feel loved again

if dandelions sprouted from my chest
and cherry blossoms sprouted from yours
I think the reason we cannot be one
would become evident immediately

I am unwanted,
plucked away and hidden at first sight
left to die, hoping my return never comes
as though I was never there to begin with

you, the weary blossom
showing your face in the smallest intervals
your sighting a blessing, to all that see
leave your adoring fans, wanting more

I wish for more of you too, you know
I yearn deeply, each waking hour
that you would attempt to cover your beauty
                         only temporarily
and I could cover my unsightly anatomy
                         maybe permanently
and we could love one another
for just a day

my heart in your hands
and your hands in my hair
our lips pressed together
your blossoming chest
and my unwanted greenery
no longer in the way
just tickling a little
when our bodies merge as one

we sang along to Joy Division
and listened to Ian Curtis' voice
spell out the truths of love and life
too afraid to listen
so we smoked a bit more

we got high
very high
we couldn't walk in straight lines
you said your legs were like lava
so we hid away in each others' embrace

he said love will tear us apart
he was right
but I never expected it to be
as blissful as this

you are a God
of a whole other name
a being with entities
beyond this world
a compassion so strong
that the elements of life
couldn't even bring down
the first brick in the wall
that is your love

you are a girl
with the world at her fingertips
heart made of steel
and breath as cold as ice
your lips move
but nobody else does
we are all stuck in your words
each of us a syllable
tantalisingly addictive
we cannot get enough

you twist your limbs around us all
not to keep us in your arms
but to help to soften the fall
because you will drop us all one day
we will plummet to the ground
unable to fight
unable to protect
because your words still twist
around your mouth

I thought I knew addiction
when I turned 16,
I was forced into smoking
left craving it's feel

I thought I knew addiction
when I first felt the pleasure
of losing 2 lbs
and skipping my dinner

I thought I knew addiction
when I first sipped alcohol
left wanting more
feeling like a fool

but I only knew addiction
when I met you
when you held me in your arms
and told me not to let go

why in the world
would I want to let go
when the moment we pulled away
I would be left needing more?

I knew of no addiction
until you held my hand tight
told me that you loved me
in the dead of night

I am left now
confused and alone
lost without you
because you were my home

and I still desire you even now
but my heart is in tatters
and my mind is in two