I thought I knew addiction
when I turned 16,
I was forced into smoking
left craving it's feel

I thought I knew addiction
when I first felt the pleasure
of losing 2 lbs
and skipping my dinner

I thought I knew addiction
when I first sipped alcohol
left wanting more
feeling like a fool

but I only knew addiction
when I met you
when you held me in your arms
and told me not to let go

why in the world
would I want to let go
when the moment we pulled away
I would be left needing more?

I knew of no addiction
until you held my hand tight
told me that you loved me
in the dead of night

I am left now
confused and alone
lost without you
because you were my home

and I still desire you even now
but my heart is in tatters
and my mind is in two

love is a storm at sea
leaving me lost and alone
surrounded by something
I thought would never hurt me

and your cyanide lips
burnt in a way
that I could never resist
addictive wounds, inflicted by you

love is a quest of who can win
your heart first
me or him?
I'm losing, I'm falling behind

love is a game of how many
can you lead victim
to your locked up heart
    but open lips

so free willed, so meaningless
each kiss to you
is nothing more
than brushing skin

each kiss to me
is a painful sin
like letting myself in
to Hell's open door

it is like opening the walls of my heart
making myself your willing victim
allowing you to make your way
and tear out all my vital veins

so that I feel nothing
nothing but you
inside of my heart, blood and being
but that's nothing new

your nonchalant ways
are driving me insane with
sadness, happiness and jealousy
and rage

the rage and fire of your being
the only thing that occupies
my mind and my heart
and I will tell you just one more thing

I wish I was inside of you too

as if the world wasnt't full of enough heartbreak
you stepped foot into my life

as if my mind wasn't full of enough distress
you slipped into my heart

and now you are all that pollutes my mind
unwanted, yet wanted, all the same

my head is a blur, an absolute mess
and I cannot decipher anything

the only thing that makes sense to me now is the blue in your eyes
and the way it feels to be in your arms

I miss being close to you
I miss you wanting me
I miss your presence

I am always mindful of how this is my fault
always. Always and forever, my fault

we loved one another at the wrong time and that cannot be changed
but what if I had told you the doings in my mind
before now?

What if I had told you, just a matter of weeks ago
that for the past 3 years, I have been in love with you?

I can't change this now, but I wish you loved me too
I can't change our past, I cannot manipulate time and space
I cannot ever be enough for your desperate heart

but you have always been enough for me

my life so far
it has been spent as a codependant child

I have never been satisfied without the approval
of a parent, a friend, a lover or a foe

I have been somewhat unable to do anything
for myself, by myself

but that is okay
I am 16 years, 1 month, and 5 days old

I have learnt now
     my happiness does not depend on anybody but myself
     I will not allow myself to feel sad over things that will not matter in
     -24 hours
     -7 days
     -4 weeks
     -a year
     I seek to satisfy nobody but myself, those that I love and those that are important
     I am and will always be the primary source of my joy
I was born alone, I will die alone
that is not sad
that is the truth
after everything, I will have nobody but myself
and that is okay

stay up with me until 5 am
and listen to the rain pouring
save me the washed up *******
"the rain is falling hard and so am I"
don't tell me that
tell me what you really feel for me
tell me why you really treat me like I am your world
only in the early hours of the morning
tell me why the Sunrise changes everything
spare the similies and metaphors
tell it to me straight
why is it your love for me only exists
when the Moon is high
and you are drunk
why does my love for you
stay so coherently in my day and my night
why does it persist to remain
when you can't even remember my name
after it all

I met you and I saw
brighter parts of the world
everything I looked at
was more vibrant
your eyes gave me a new sense of vision
and life was easy
the clouds always parted for me to see the Sun
the Moon always shone,
bright enough to encase me in her love
(as though I needed it anyway, with you there)
but when you left
so did my light
my saving grace
and all that was right
the water which used to be
the bluest of blues, infinite and beautiful
was nothing more than a place
to fill with tears, tainted by mascara
as grey as my life had surely become
and morning strolls
were torturous
the sharp fresh air was no longer refreshing
it felt like daggers
plunhing into my chest with every breath I took
reminding me that I am alive
and living a life without you

But the storms passed and the days grew brighter once more
and I am more than you and more than us
and I began to see the Sun and the Moon
shining for me once again
and I took in their love and life
I breathed in the morning air that made me feel alive
and it made me realise what I am

I am stardust and moonlight
I am the sun shining through the dull sky
I can grow flowers from my skin
I can fix the world for myself
and heal my own soul
and I am what I need to carry on in this life

Alone or together
I am all that I need