brilliant transformations scare her
she doesn’t know what she’ll become or how they’ll react but she knows this is what she wants
this is what she’s been waiting for and even though they’ll stare
brilliant transformations scar her
but she will convalesce, she will blossom, and they will adjust
and she’ll finally be everything she wanted

one two three four five
here it comes again
one two three four five
but why is she surprised
one two three four five
(they said the counting would help)
one two three four five
“look in the mirror”
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“tree trunk thighs / stomach expanding like the universe”
one two three four five
outside doesn’t matter (they said)
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“eyes too wide / nose too long / lips don’t close”
one two three
so she can’t stop the words pouring out in heart-piercing whispers
one two
“ugly / unlovable / unkissable / unfriendable”
one
maybe one day she’d pour enough ugly out to be size
zero