The air swirls above me a charcoal black tainted with moonlight:
Why am I awake I whisper aloud...
The pills didn't work again,
Time to take more I guess...

1 Pill
        2 Pills
                 3 Pills
                          4 Pills
                                   5 Pills
I remember you said never take 6,
But black is my favorite color, you would know...
6 Pills
The air swirls black around me one last time as my eyes close forever.

*Goodbye

It takes two to tan-
go anywhere with me love.
~Freedom of the heart~

I promise,
Give up;
I will never
Love you.
I will always find a way to
Hate you.
It makes me sick thinking about how people could,
Even find it a joy;
To spend time with you,
I will always want
To tell you that,
It makes me happy.

I wish I knew how rose petals felt after fresh rain.
I wish I knew how the clouds looked as they drifted over frosty mountains.
I wish I could remember the smell of the kitchen while my mother cooked dinner.

But here I am, and here I will stay;
The world unfamiliar to my eyes,
Because I doubt that they would see it’s beauty.

I truly wish,
That I could have known,
How it felt,
To not fall victim,
To this pain.

A sack of flesh,
Piloted by a conscious,
That wishes it wasn't.

Tell me the truth old friend, the truth that has never slipped from your cracked lips.

Tell me why you, the Queen of hearts threw this Jack of spades away.

*Can you remember my liege? The lies that you told so long ago...

Whistling a tune
Whilst the ocean waves good bye;
Forever stuck in my own mind.

My thoughts are too loud,
deafening even,
Like an eruption in my skull.

Lonely:
An ocean waving both good bye and hello.
Pointlessly waiting for a response.

what is there to do,
besides- sleep -nobody listens anyway,
So like the ocean, I retire as the moon rises:

slowly,
I,
creep,
back,
into darkness.

I am lost,
I have pretended for so long that I am no longer sure what constitutes myself or the me I created to please others...

The demons of my dreams with their silvery crimson wings rest upon my shoulders disguised as angels;

Beautiful yet horrifying.

Pretending to be something they are not, a common occurrence in the world we live in today, yet one that nobody acknowledges.

Because to admit that, is to say that we have lost ourselves.

And to lose ourselves is to plunge our minds into an anarchy of which depression and anxiety rule over all else.

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Sometimes song lyrics are so truthful,
They tell the story of my life they really do..

I am broken in two you know this,
Don't you?
Perhaps I don't show it well enough.
But I know if i did you'd call me crazy and leave...

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Even the simplest things hurt sometimes,
A single misspoken word sends chills down my spine,
I know I'm not perfect, don't try and tell me I am.
I'll never believe you because my whole life I have been misunderstood and ugly.

What is love?
Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me...no more...

Love's quite punny
truly.
All those funny lines
configured-
I love you:
(insert pun here).

But our love must
have missed the memo.

The closest to a pun
you ever got, was when
you spun my love into
the rope I hung
myself with.

F**k you.

Would you still love me,
Honey?
If I just let it all be,
Lovely?

I think someone is whistling; a tune of longing
falls on deaf ears, but maybe I could remember...?

Momma used to say,
"Honey-"
My ears; not as deaf as they
are now, could hear,
"-we ain't got no money, but you, you are still my lovely-"

-too bad I've forgotten those words since:
But even if it seems to take forever,
I promise I ain't that hard to convince-
-That life is, in fact, a worthy endeavor.

Me*
I'm a sapling kicked, snapped in two where the heart turns blue.
To you I'm a chance taken, A chance for love to again bloom from my infertile heart.

You are my true love, the only one I see.
The one for me, won't you be?
Do you get *me?

They say that your memories prevail over all other things.

These memories that hold every experience and idea that your brilliant mind ever brought to life.

Painful ones, sad ones, joyful ones, wistful ones, all this because your mind is a vault.

Watching someone die changes you, for the better or for the worse that's your choice.

I've watched someone die; in fact it was one of my best friends whose last breath fell from his lips with the words "I'm sorry" drifting on the stale air.

My mind has stowed this memory into a vault and has never once let it out to play.

Now, it is playing.

His face, the way he smiled and made you laugh, his name rolled off the tounge like water.

My happy memories are hardly enough any more...

How about the time that I was mentally and emotionally abused by a woman who I believed loved me for me.

Instead she took my heart and twisted it into the shape of gun that fired into my mind the day she left.

My memories were scrambled, turned inside out, unfixable;Broken. Beyond. Repair.

I have so few happy memories left untainted, so few.

Everytime I get sad it doesn't just stop; it spirals, uncontrollably, and quickly into Oblivion.

My memories have been tainted, I recommend you hold on to every one of the happy ones you've got left.

Good luck...

Looking into
And always
Falling through;

Mirrors hang hopelessly,
Strung out upon walls;

Paint peeling endlessly from their frames,
Crooked and warped,

Like the politicians that line our streets.

But there is more to them than that,
These mirrors hold stories of tears, laughter, and faces long forgotten.

My decisions have shaped me,
They have been decisive in my life.

Deciding whether or not I'd take the cigarette,
Whether or not I'd take the shot.

Decisions make up half of your life,
The other half is out of your control.

I Didn't decide to have an abusive father,
One who hits me, bruises me, breaks me.

But here I am, an angel fallen from heaven,
Wings broken not by my own decisions but by others.

There is so much more to me than meets the eye,
I’m like a punch bowl spiked with too much liquor.
One mixed drink later and my feelings are all over the place,
Bipolar, ADD, Depression...All these labels on me.

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

Depression hits me like a train sometimes,
Just out of the light and into the blue.
I mean, I am like the train in a sense,
My problems can’t find room on the inside anymore so they cling to me on the outside…

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

My tears fall like rain from my clouded eyes,
It’s not drought season yet dear.
When will it be?
Will it ever be?

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes! (No)

It’s finally light outside,
The clouds are gone.
“Hey you? Wanna go for a ride?”
“Sure just hold on!”

“Are you ok?”
Yes of course
“You sure?”
Yes!
This time I am...

On these back roads time seems to stand still,
The only thing on my mind being you.
Your soft smile and blueish eyes give me a chill,
and I think to myself if you only knew-
How I feel on the inside,
It might change your mind.
But to think you could possibly feel the same
Makes sure my feelings won’t subside.
So as we drive I come to terms with it, resigned
To live my life unsure of how you feel, lame
I know.

So I live for these night drives.

Home is where the heart is
That's what they always say.
I've seen hate and love and to my own dismay
Families broken by the very thing they live for. This

Very idea that builds and binds us to a social contract
Of how we are supposed to feel and act.
For me, I deny their existence until it comes crashing down
Upon my shoulder that I hold so high.

Take for example gravity,
The weakest force known to man
But still it holds planets together.
Then there is love...

Love: the strongest force of attraction known to man.
It holds more mass and meaning than the most dense star,
And drags people in faster than a black hole,
Yet it can't hold people together, I wonder why must that be...

Save your breath oh lover,
for its far too cold out there
for someone of your stature
-vague and ghastly-
It’s rather reminiscent of your nature.

Eyes like clouds;
The kind that know no bounds
And unleash hell round after round
-Thunder and lightning, baby-
Till I find out I’ve been clowned.

Keep on hiding behind your lies,
And oh lover? Go **** some other guys.

One Mississippi-
Two Mississippi-
And three, of course,
but we never made it
to three, no,
not you and me.

Cracked concrete
cobbled together
by quatrains of
soil, love, water,
and rock-

Not of the ages,
but certainly of
this year, although,
who really keeps
count?

Back to the
cemented beliefs
and stone streets
that we came up
on. Take a step, a
jump, on one, on two;
you're free.

Shredded in parts-
That piecemeal heart
Her gorgeous art

Peace
Piece
Pees
P’s

Four meanings
Same sound;
Seem familiar?

Coffee daydreams,
Burnt beans-
Ripped seams,
and holy jeans.

Not Jesus jeans,
No-silly things
a state of being-
Made in my genes.

From Constantin-
Opal rings
to all the things
That leave me aching-

-My personality
      is split
           between
                what I believe in
                     and what I belong in.

                          A war of the worlds-
                               Neither of which
                                   are the best of either.

10:00 P.M. "Goodnight mom, goodnight dad!"

11:00 P.M. ZZZZZ

12:00 A.M. Awake with a start, can not sleep, go for a walk.

12:36 A.M. Arrive home, go back to bed, still unable to sleep.

1:06 A.M. Pop pop papapappapappapa pop pop pop
What was that noise? gunfire? No not in Urbandale, impossible.
From mother and fathers room, "That was gunfire...should we call the police? no someone else probably has lets go back to bed..."

5:40 A.M. "Ring Ring Ring"  *Two police officers were killed ambush style, one on 70th and Aurora the other on Merle Hay and Sheridan.

Love disembarked~
Empty-handed; heartless.
Thus it walked that plank
and 'Twas lost amongst waves.
Noting that not much was left as thine heart sank;
the bottom of the ocean, it's new grave.

Relentless and endless,
Rocky cliffs faced with waves the size of
Mt Everest, the tallest of all the mountains;
Utterly insurmountable to the naked eye, unforgiving.

Relentless and breathless,
I faced those waves and those mountains,
Eyes fastened to the future in front of me-
Wishing once more for guidance-it never came.

Relentless and hopeless,
I strove for greatness, the ess of which could and can not be quantified-
Yet I found myself drowned in a pool of my own hubris-
For what does anyone want but greatness?

Thus my story ends, piercing blue eyes closed, no excess of sadness in this city,
I guess what I ought to say is that hope is priceless, and for those of you who disbelieve, I pity.

Get out of my house!
I hate you...
You won't go anywhere you **** idiot!
I don't understand...why father do you hate *me?

You see my mind is as scarred as my wrists.
Abuse
That word is more family then my father.
Failure
Its my middle name.
Mistake
I am one.

His words leave open wounds on my mind,
Fresh blood oozing through the cracks in my mask.

Hey I'm fine I promise!
I'm fine!
I'm...
I......

I'm scarred and this is my story.

Cold expectations;
Slightly blessed relations-
Ships on the sea,
Please, Breathe some life into me.

Vacations aren’t the same,
Empty
Social obligations confounded,
Awkward.

The things I write will always stay,
Showing up at the end of the day
As if to say,
‘Goodbyes are okay.’

It’s confusing, really-
Vacations, social obligations, and me,
But I promise, I’m not an emotional absentee.
-some guy named Charlie

If you only knew
the person I used to be.
The way I looked at the world
was different then, not nearly
the same broken worldview
that now holds me-hostage,
Against my every wish and will.
Amongst the shattered glass doors
stands the new me.
Built from shards of hope and
fragments of happiness;
One might think me invincible,
but I know better than that.

Before all of this;
Before everything happened-
I was simply me.

The lies in my eyes are as bright as day,
Yet you follow.
The heart that's been beaten to much to even bother to beat itself,
Yet you try.
The mind set on believing that he is nothing and will never be anything but nothing,
Yet you don't give up.

This never-ending passage way of corrupt hearts and broken promises,
Yet there you are.

It's funny how life has a way of giving things to one that they do not deserve,
Yet here we lie, together.

Your eyes are my sinkhole in which I get lost, but it isn't a bad lost, no.
It's the kind of lost that makes you feel like you're walking on clouds, the kind of lost that I wish to be.

Your eyes are my sinkhole,
*Yet I have never been so alive...

12:07 A.M.
~It's a new day
...
~What's that brought us?
...
~No answer?
...
~Fine.

I sleep on the floor
in a wreck of
my own filth;
self-loathing and
fearful of the way
the sun rises
over the horizon,
even
on days like today.

To liken this to the way I feel is to say that two of something is always better than one,
Take for example socks, with their different colors, shapes, and sizes:

One size fits all!

Buy 2 get one free!

That's how it feels to be loved by me,
The more you give, the more you'll see.

It is on starry nights like these that we look upon the sky with wonder in our eyes.

Nights like these that lips crack apart and form the smiles of countless children.

Nights like these where hearts are broken... and mended...

*Come young one, for morning will arrive soon and we have much to do.

Sounds of bliss and joy
bob lazily on the breeze-
These exquisite days.

On a hot day in July I stood with my hands in my pockets and my mind in the clouds. It felt like I had the world at my finger tips and perhaps for the first time in a long while, I was happy.

Surround yourself with friends and family, let go of all of your dark thoughts, because I did, and look where it got me.

Swerving,
Left lane then-Right
on time to my own funeral...

Headlights fly by;
Flashes of light at this speed.
I'll tell myself not to cry,
and finally concede to this universe's greed.

Swerving,
Right lane then-Left
all my wishes behind. In general,

I'll say I've found the place
in which I can finally breathe.
One-hundred mile an hour pace,
and finally with gritted teeth;

Crash.

The rain comes down like tears from her Eyes in April.
Her Smile is a crack in the street after a long Winter.
Her Mind is crumbling like a sandcastle on the beach during August.

"I'm fine..."
No I'm really not
"I'm happy I promise!"
Another lie
Why do I lie?
I guess to hide them from the horrid truth of the pandoras box that is my mind...

Temptation tastes like tangerines;
Sweet-**** and tingly,
yet the strongest flavor of all is regret.

These poems I write
are trash & trite.
Filled with some things
I thought you'd like.

And so, I stand
on a thin band
of worn-out land
that I thought grande.

Alas, my knees shook
and without a great hook,
I found myself falling
straight into a book,

but my book was not fantasy.
& as such, I could not fly. But
my thin band of worn land, so grand,
was all that stood between me &:

My bestest friend, the ampersand.

Welcome* to the dragons den...

Nobody ever told me when I was born,
That there would be times when the place where I was welcome would fill with fire...
My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was very young,
She passed away when I was nine...
My father blames me everyday, he calls me a curse

So now I believe that I am worth nothing...

When I was 13 my soon to be stepmom had a stroke,
She was euthanized no more than 2 months ago...
My father blames me everyday, he calls me a curse

I am sure of it now I was an accident...

Today was my birthday, My father called me an accident...

You have no idea dad...no idea...

As all good things must tumble down
turned up against the tide-
The same is true of you and I
My friend-please, do oblige.

These days-I take-to travel far
And through and through I shall.
With winters bite upon my heel
Left with me-no morale.

And as the days began to thaw
-With flowers bursting blue-
I'd see myself in all the shades,
of each and every hue.

The story goes Eve tricked Adam
But in our story it goes the other
Way
Around.

You see I am the wind, ceaseless ever present, but always changing.

You are the garden, solid, tangible, always growing.

As the wind blows I walked into your life, ever changing I blew away the webs of despair those deathly spiders placed there so long ago.

You accepted me arms outstretched because I was different because there was something about me that was not tangible, it's a shame you didn't see it sooner...

I never had a true home as my home was the sky filled with shadows, hope, and things yet to come.

I only spoke in broken hearts and teardrops

But you, you were wonderful, different, special in ways you could not even imagine.

I thought myself saved from the oppressive life of drifting through the sky aimlessly day by day.

Instead the winds which had left me stranded for so long picked up the very day we began to talk.

And so those deathly spiders blew away and in the proccess the winds became to harsh and I lashed out.

Remember the time when I wasn't a monster?

Your heart fell to the floor amidst a pile of snakes and spiders whose fangs latched on filling it with poison, my poison.

And so I left you without a clue that I had stabbed your heart with my wind, and that the part of the garden cultivating love for me was gone before morning.

I've always been this way, a heathen whose impulsive ideals lead him to commit horrible acts upon the most beautiful of gardens...

When I first met you, your eyes shone with the beauty of the stars twinkling above me.
As time passed the shine began to fade, as I got to know you I learned of why.
Why, I ask...do people beat upon you?
It was as if I was watching your world burn
I lost you for a while, and for months on end I wondered if you were ok...
The next time I saw you, it was as if your heart was as cracked as the sky before a storm...
Why, I ask...do people beat upon you?
I wished to help you more than anything else But I never got the chance
Now as we sit here in limbo, I watch your heart bleed the tears your eyes will not shed.
It
kills me
To see you this way...

What a guy,
Me oh my.
His hands move fast,
Makes me want to cast,
A line into the water avast,
Ye matey he is the most ashen fellow
My god sometimes he looks quite yellow;

When the trumpets blare,
He gives them a stare,
And the words we fear,
He says just loud enough to hear,

I have never been so disappointed in my life,

Oh boy what a tear.

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Falling onto your face...
Touching your soul...

With a heart broken so many times,
It's a wonder you haven't...

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Catching in your hair...
Sparkling in your eye...

Take my hand if you want to live,
Because I know I do...

Can you feel it?
The Moons tears?
Filling your heart...
Leaving no holes...

Oceans;
Deep blue, waving infinitely at the heavens.

The sky;
A simple reflection of what lies beneath, hidden from view by clouds.

The masks of those around you break slowly with time.

Filters falling apart like dirt crumbles, nothing remains but the truth.

Stuck in between true happiness and awful despair.

That, is where we lie;
In a world filled with insecurity and anxiety.

Because who knows what comes next:

Maybe, just maybe we are like the sky, a reflection misinterpreted by those around us.

Or maybe we are like the ocean, foreboding and filled with mystery, unsure even ourselves of what fills the depths of our souls.

There was an old man of Des Moines,
A little thief stole all his coin;
But he cried, 'little thief,
I will give you much grief!'
That oh so poor man of Des Moines.

The pen, his instrument of self destruction. He holds it between his feelings and his lies. Perhaps if you look closely you will see that his ink is running out.

What's left of his ink bleeds out onto the paper as if his own wrists were slit by the words that he writes...

The one that bleeds the longest is usually the one who smiles the widest.