and slowly i'll drift
away from you
with each passing day
they say
that absence makes the heart grow fonder
but sometimes absence makes you forget
forget the smiles shared
and the moments you got lost in
forget the poems i wrote
and the time spent wishing just
for one moment
i could call you mine
not like my property,
but mine
and i'll forget what color your eyes are
and how your laugh made me feel warm
and i'll forget who drew me that picture
i'll forget how your arms felt around me
i'll forget all the things you were so passionate about
and the things you didn't like
i'll forget where we met
and all the fun we had that summer
and the letter that i wrote you
i'll forget your smell and your thoughts about politics
i'll forget which music was your favorite
and all the little things that made you tick
but i bet you'll forget me too
you'll forget my love of puns
or how I'm a bibliophile
you won't remember my laugh
or my smile
or how I cannot dance
you'll forget what color my eyes are
and  my yellow rain boots
you'll forget about my novel
and my love of poetry
i'll forget about you
and you'll forget about me
we'll go in different directions
totally different paths
i'll be on a plane to Wales
and you'll be on a plane to Italy
and maybe i'll see you in the airport someday
maybe i'll recognize your voice
maybe i'll remember how i should have tried
maybe i made the wrong choice
will it really be that easy to forget you
i don't think there's a chance at that
will it be easy to forget me?
or did i make a big impact?

That's when you changed it all
I was too scared to fall
That look you gave me and I was done
It felt as though I was paralyzed by the sun
No star in the sky could have prepared me
You haunt my dreams, couldn't you just let me be?
Two kids with separate paths to go down
I was on my way out of this broken town
I was a damaged soul but ready to fly
Why did you have to make it this hard to say goodbye?
A fate we met
A worthless bet
On a cold September day I left
But that smile still stays with me  
Lingering & whispering, I'll never truly be free
Out of fear from falling I pushed you away
Out of my life I made you stay
I can't have anything holding me down
But even with you gone, I'm stuck on the ground
That summer had to come to an end
It left my heart scarred & my mind in a bend
Our paths crossed but we couldn't stay
As the leaves changed I moved away
But all I see is that smile you gave
From that moment on I knew I caved
Love is such a strong word I say
So what's it called when I think of you everyday?

"you cannot be sad all the time, don’t lie. you are smiling, that is a good thing."

it is a rebuttal from yet another friend of so-and-so says, related by this-and-that and somehow in the crossroads of here-and now we meet by chance and speak by fate. i silently contemplate the vast expanse of the universe in comparison to the shallowness of the waters in some people, simultaneously envying the happiness they bask in and the darkness they get to escape.

there are days when the hardest thing to do is to wake up, and there are days when the rooster crows while i am wide awake but exhausted and numb down to the veins of my very being. it is a rocky journey under faint light and overwhelming dark, a never ending battle between stubborn, suffocating will against the voices who whisper lies and truths all at once. yet here i stand, weak but not defeated, dying but still alive.

i keep this hope in the center of my hand, that someday everything will be okay, and i will love as i have learnt to miss those i have lost.

-

"i smile everyday, but that does not necessarily mean the smile reaches my heart."

(A.H.Z.)

there is an ache inside of me;
it occurs somewhere between the
moments of waking and sleeping.

there is something about letting go
that makes it so hard to do.

i am afraid to close my eyes.  
i am afraid to turn out the light.

i will prolong the inevitable as long as possible,
battling against the drooping eyelids,
battling against the heavy sighing.

another day is gone.
another tick mark on the wall.

i have done nothing.
i will remember nothing--in a few days, at least.
i will become nothing (but an empty shell, i'm assuming)

wasting  away
in the confines of my bedroom.
too afraid to go outside;
having grown so used to being alone
that the thought of spending time with another
does not even occur to me.

there is something so frightening about that thought.