Being with you was chaotic.
At times I did not know the eyes that were masked with indifference.
A rigid gaze that ****** the comfort out of the atmosphere.
I did not understand.
Who was this person.
My muscles tired from tense conversations
A slithering shiv protruding from his mouth when his own mind began rioting against him.

On another hand, your passion and thirst, unreal.
Once words had cut, hands would heal.
Tussling and caressing, beauty between skin.
And as body's began to unfold, so did the mind.
Caged tears released out of forfeit, they ran down your cheeks, onto my shoulders, rushing to my eyes.
Bringing me the perspective that yours had lacked.
The insight that emerged once the mind began to leak out taught me quite a lot.

I had been poking at your mind, igniting ideas and insecurities.
All the pain in your past, I had unknowingly brought to light.
I am sorry.
I learned, through time, to understand, as did you.
No longer do I stomp on your sores, there is no need as they now float throughout the air
In turn, you see the wounds of your words, now choosing to gently lick them clean

Simply, I am saying I am glad I took time to know you.

Please be careful with me.
I give you all I am and trust you not to crush me between your thumb and *******.
It never crossed my mind that you would.
But it's true you could.

This is a first for me.
Never have I given another person so much power over me and my girlish laughter.
But giving it all to you feels so right.
It took me so long to do so.

So please be gentle.
Hold my entire body with as much grace as you can muster so that you don't break me.
Because this love isn't fragile,
But for you I am.

This quiet kitchen is not mine,
this new metal, this bar island
not mine
These halls are not mine,
I don't know these faces,
the ones that recognize me.
These roads, those buildings,
This place, the smell of the air
Foreign
I feel it when I go out, the isolation,
the lost comfort of familiarity,
But this is my home now.
The premise is there, the feeling, not so much
Will I ever feel at home in a place that is not my own

She gave a clever smile and grasped my hand
Mesmerized, I was fixed on the way she moved
Her eyes were lost in paradise, somewhere I could never find her
She exposed my life line tracing its truth
Whispering about tough souls and better lives
Her eyes closed and she was gone, lost in my forever
Her smile never faltered but her voice was dim
She told me to keep holding on
I held on for her.

A glimpse and I diminish, wasted away like sweet ice cream in the heat
My mind whirls and loops unable to steady, to clear, rendering me dubious
His language becomes gospel and I hear no other noise but the things he whispers to me
My ears care for only one, my eyes tunnel in on him, he is perfection, the essence of angels

Focus is only possible in his wisdom
I fixate on each word he delivers strong, steady like his voice is the only one that matters, because it is
I fixate on the movement of his lips, lustrous, luring, his kiss centers my wicket thoughts and comforts my wild mind

It is important to know that he is mine by choice. he loves me. he does. I swear. he would stay with me if he had the choice.he does. he loves me. by choice. i know it. we are meant to be. forever and always. we will be. he has to be mine. he has no choice. he loves me.

I Chained Him Down

Those who do not experience it cannot fully understand
Life becomes a struggle, living is an extra challenge
Everyone becomes nervous, everyone experiences shyness
But not everyone knows the phobia of socialization

Being around others quickly becomes exhausting
Meeting many new people can be painful
Our minds are overworked through simple conversation
Our thoughts cannot leave how we appear, or how we are seen

The worst is that we see it,
We see how miserable we make ourselves
And how much we wish we were like someone else

We wish we could eat in a public restaurant,
not have to wait to go home to use the bathroom,
to walk into a crowded room,
attend the party everyone's going to,
instead of arranging a pity part for one

We need you to know that we do not refuse to do things with you because we don't like you,
We deny ourselves your company because:
she will be there
we woke up and felt bloated today
our hair doesn't look that nice today
he's there and I think he likes me
Because the way that place is laid out forces everyone to look at the entrance when the doors open and I can't handle all the eyes judging me until my face is red causing people to ask me whats wrong which is when I become upset because everywhere I go someone asks me whats wrong so then I shy away hoping to be someone else which makes me look stuck up not shy Then we'll need to sit and your going to want to sit with your friends whom I do not know well enough to sit with for an hour while they talk to you occasionally asking me questions that I answer oddly and again become red making everything weirder than it is Making them pity me and I hate their pity

Even writing this I cringe, because I  hate being this girl.

Take it Back
She don't know how
The room loses light
Sound vanishes, no faint echos
Just silent and dark
Take it Back
Breaks the silence
She don't know how
Through the dark she feels a stare
Frigid and demanding
Take it Back
This is her last chance
She tries to say it
She don't know how
All warmth gone
Take it back**
This is all she regrets
The absence of this action
Leaves her to be on her own
She don't know how

Mom:
You have a pureness to your beauty that you'll never accept,
but I wish you did, you deserve to embrace it.
I  wish that you could see your own potential, and flaunt the beauty you have.

You're the epitome of good, any cruelness you spew comes from your own insecurities, and I know there are quite a few.

You've put yourself on the back burner far to much, and while it's appreciated beyond recognition, learn to love yourself as much as you love the people around you.
You're selflessness is amazing, but you matter too, please remember.

The overflow of emotions that consume me when I think of the love and respect I have for you floods my soul with a beautiful warmth.
Without you I would crumble, you've raised and guided me better then any error-less mother I could ever fabricate.

Nobody could have instilled in me better morals or values than what you have. Nobody was born to have children like you were.
So, I thank you, endlessly and profoundly, for being yourself.

I didn't know him, the boy who died today.
I didn't know the blonde of his hair,
the smell of his cologne,
or the way he spoke.

I don't know why he removed himself from this world,
and I don't know why he took a piece of me with him.
I think of his family, the friends who cry out on social media and how they've begun to grieve.

Then I think of the scene.
The blood in his hair,
the smell of ruddy iron,
and the silence of the room.

There was something he felt he had no other escape from,
some cage that forced his hand to trigger a release.
So close to Christmas,
so close to a new year,
so close to a new start.

They say that as life goes on things get better,
through every struggle, they say to wait.
Wait until life changes,
wait until you reach a new stretch.

But life doesn't get better as we go,
not if we just recoil and wait.
Life does not bring us a reason to live,
we must find it.

Experience creates happiness.

Throughout our existence we journey to find substance to keep us alive:
People who brighten us, ones we have not yet encountered.
Lifestyles we may not yet know to exist.
Love like no other that leaves us sure that this is it.

We cannot give up on life so quickly.
It requires endurance and endeavor to collect these treasures.
We are oblivious to what is yet to come,
maybe one is right around the corner.

I was such a sensitive child, emotions on full alert
Constantly,
Consistently.

I would cry until dry
Love until abandoned
Loathe myself until broken.

But what kind of life is that?

I was  shriveled, alone and in pieces.
So I, like many, created a prison for myself.
I created unbreakable walls to hide in.
To keep my emotions inside while everyone else looked upon my hard exterior

I cannot pin point a time or situation when I lost all emotion
Or when I built walls to hold myself up.

All I know is that now I show nothing
I push people away until I am alone
And I tear off pieces of myself and use them to reinforce my walls

I see now that I have recreated my younger self,
I am still full of hidden tears
I am alone by choice
And have ripped myself apart
But instead of sensitive child, I am now a **heartless monster

The little things really are lifes greatest gift.
Nothing feels better then basking in the sun,
country music blaring and the smell of frying bacon
being carried by the wind.
Having people that mean the most around
magnifies the feel good ambiance.
I tip my head back and I am lost in a sea of no cares,
suddenly out here nothing matters.
I have found my reality get away and it is wonderful,
a version of Tiffany's that would make Holly jealous.
My shoulders only feel the weight of the sun,
and the only want I have is to put Zac Brown band on the radio.
Out here in the middle of July school seems so far away,
going to work doesn't make me anxious
and I obey only my rules.
The loneliness my love life feels even seems to disappear,
a problem I can’t seem to shake from my mind.
But right now the only burden I have is
the flies that seem to enjoy my bare legs.

I cry minutes after I've said cruel things to you
And hate myself as the text is sent your way
But as it turns out I have to
You love me.
      You shouldn't.
                    I'm bad for you.
                           You know it.
But you continue to say you love me
So, I'm sorry to say
That it is my responsibility to stop you
And don't keep coming back
For I'll push harder and meaner
Until there is no possible way
You could love the beast you've
Turned me into.

Thoughts are infectious and unexpected,
entering the mind first as a seed
slowly growing in the pit of the soul.
Until a word or comment emphasizes it's growth.

The part of the mind that was once so dark
begins to see a flicker of light.
Empty and hollow it starts to glow,
a flame licking the walls of the mind.

A stampede of thoughts begin to race through,
some you're own others given to you.
Your once empty mind becomes dense,
with a herd of ideas gathering at your center.

Whether it was a negative or positive thought
the idea now consumes the mind.
Taking over, and telling you of what exists,
This is your chance.

Be engulfed in the fire and run with the herd
or water the ideas growth and douse the flame?

I want you to give up on me
To release me from your loving death grip
You know I will never give into you,
I will never let you love me

But still you try

You try so hard that it hurts me
For I know how this will end,
and who will be left devastated
I don't want to, but I will break your heart

But still you try

I would love nothing more than to give into you
But I find it painfully hard to do so
For reasons that we have previously discussed
And I've become afraid to let you get close to me

But still you try

And I need you to try to break my walls
But you cannot try forever
There is only so much the heart can take.
And I can see yours is wearing thin

But still you try

I want to succumb to you
And I believe i eventually will,
If your persistence is enough
But your heart is loosing hope in me.

And then you give up

He enters my presence,
Pure joy
We chat,
Effortlessly
We laugh,
Together
We relate,
To each other
I envision this forever
and smile
Just me and you,
Being.
We have enveloped ourselves,
in a made up world just for us
Our Shangri La,
Our own euphoria.
I can conceive it now
Beautiful,
Striving
Striking.
Then he stands up
and leaves
And that is it.
I become empty,
Alone,
Distraught.
This is how he leaves me.
Cold.

You can compare us to..
Well,
Nothing.

That’s what you told me we were anyways,
When you yelled it at me.
Thanks for that by the way,
You didn't need to raise you voice to lower mine.
The word nothing did that for you

Is that what you think of me?
Thought of me?
What you thought of me when you stole my heart on the dance floor?
When you brought me out for dinner?
When you crawled into my bed at three in the morning?
Did you dance with nothing?
Eat dinner with nothing?
Fool around with nothing?

I wasn't always nothing then.
What was the turning point?
When I stopped going out to clubs?
When I declined your dinner invitations?
When I became annoyed with your ***** calls?

Wait.
I see it now.
I've made myself nothing.
No wonder you yelled it at me.
I should have yelled it at myself.