My stomach hurts again not knowing
I probably ruined us but what if I hadn’t?

What if I didn’t!

But I guess I’ll never know because I’m just left with your hoodie.
This title you threw upon me remains even though you’ve changed.
Were you trying to hold on?
Were you trying to let me know?
Or did you need to be loved so?

I haven’t seen you smile but I picture it,
All the silly moments I made you laugh,  

God the things I’d do for us to laugh again.

Nowadays I miss you more than I remember you,
Were you good to me?
Were we meant to be?
Were you the one?

I’d really love it if you called—
But I know my number probably got lost in the backend.
Right?
Let this image of us drift,
Let me let us move on,

Please help me I can’t let you go.

I held you close until you could let go.
You held me close to assure you could go.

What if we’re not the same lovers?
What if we never met?
What if I never see you again?

Because your hoodie has lost your smell,
My hand has forgotten the shape of your nails,
And god do I ******* miss hearing you laugh.

Because I would never take you back if that meant hurting you again.
But I could die seeing you live happily ever after.
At least then I’d assure he made you smile,
Because I remember the first time you smiled at me— and let me assure you I could watch it for eternity.

Turned you into forever,
I now will.

I miss who I was
I miss how happy you made me
I miss the person I was before you.

I know love exists because of you.
Because of your warm sweet touch.
Because you never let my hand go,
Even when I wanted to.

Especially when it got loud and I doubted myself,
Your gentle hand made me present.
I had finally realized we meant forever.
Finally realized we had met our forever.

I promised nothing but love,
But to you that was a threat.
I prayed for nothing but love,
So I hereby pray that your faith away from me gives you peace.

I read into your silence,
Battled myself day and night looking for a light.
Because you didn’t hold the door open,
You merely peeked through the window.
So I’m doing myself something you never could,
I am locking that door and leaving.
Because you would never have the decency of giving me an answer.

Yes or no.

I just wanted to know if should stay or go because the back and forth made me anxious.
I cried most nights
I couldn’t sleep sometimes without my box of tissues and yes I have issues—
I just wanted to love you.

My love for you is wrapped in reverence.
So I am leaving it on the porch and walking away.
Because you wouldn’t do that for me.

Thank you for the silence, it gave me clarity.
Because when it got quiet, it got so loud.
But this time you were gone.
But after all this time I’ve been able to move on,
I’ve been able to forgive myself.
I finally love life,
Thank you.

I hope my absence gives you peace.

Perhaps it wasn’t the drugs,
Perhaps it wasn’t the persona—
Perhaps it wasn’t the cuts.
Maybe I liked being high,
Maybe I liked role play,
Maybe I liked the fact your scars made mine feel seen.

Late at night dressed for funeral knowing you were never coming,
Laughing hysterically as you say you can’t.
Now let me tell you something about being able to.

Self made self proclaimed alcoholic thanks babe
I used to need hoping, then I needed loving.
**** that I need saving
Need saving but you don’t care about me drowning, keep swimming
I’ve done this before and I’ll do it again.

Straight chugging ***** drowning on the coldness,
Self medicating the self induced pain,
Admit it wasn’t your fault, it was mine for thinking you’d be different

Downed every bottle I’m seeing different
Downed jealousy ily be different
Downed myself thought you were different.

You were my first everything but you too worried about whose first I was
Pretty lips, luscious hair, **** I’m imprisoned.

Three handles didn’t help forget you, just reminded me even more
Phone in my hand, thumbs dancing, handle charged and piece loaded.

Prove me you’re different, 20 shots through my brain ain’t feeling.
Show me I’m different, pills in my system ain’t feeling.
Make this different, love in my heart I’m feeling.

It’s one am and I’m still wasting my time **** drinking.
It’s two am and I’m still chasing you ******* feelings.
It’s three am and I’m still alone in bed **** living.

I just want you to want me, hold me, love me
The way you did, the way you did the night I fell in love.

Should the sky fall, the sun burst, the oceans wither—
I’ll be here ready to have our final dance together.

Sometimes at night I feel blue, could be the cold, alcohol or lack of you,
But the night you made me red, I had never been so happy to be embarrassed,
Because the butterflies, the heat and the surprise of your love,
Mean more to me than your nights of insomnia, smoke and stropping.

When the heavens fall and you find yourself being pulled down,
When dark clouds cease your air while you gape for survival,
When your cup runs dry and you see the reflection of your broken self,
I’ll be home, home wishing you’d call.

… text, signal, fall into my arms.

I’m sorry I tell you to ******* and disappear
I don’t mean to hurt you but it’s who you didn’t want me to be.

I’m sorry I’m sick,
I don’t mean to burden you more than I already have but growing up you told me we all had a purpose and for once I’m finishing what I started.

I was a stubborn kid with loose pants and no pockets, meaning no ***** taken and all hands all out on you
But even then you never got rid of me which ***** with my mind because why would you wanna be with me?

Yeah I guess you must be proud I ain’t drop out but I remember we up at 3 studying so I wouldn’t have to,
I’m just sorry you can never really hear what I’m saying
On one hand I want you to understand me but on the other I don’t want you to feel bad for me.

You tell me I was God’s greatest gift then tell me what the **** does that ****** know about life?
He planed a life of real tragedy, ******, shots gangsters and pacts for me but here we are instead I’m just suffering inside. And trust me take a moment I do wanna say how I’m thankful for all I was given, I just wish you didn’t have to live this life with me.

I’m sorry you had to find me on the floor,
I’m sorry you had remodel your life for me,
I’m sorry you had to be there when they diagnosed me,
I’m sorry you had to be there to see me mad,
I’m sorry Mama,
and I love you with all my heart.

On a rainy winter night, us equally as lonely and sober
Found each other like a match made in heaven.
You trying to get the ***** from me and me, just trying to get you.
We stopped as you held my hand and I kissed you.
Sure we had our ups and downs, but all I wish I could do is go back in time and find you on a different day,
On a different day when we could be together
On a different day when I would appreciate you
On a different day when I would say I love you.
I can’t deny you are the reason I cry myself to sleep every night, **** it doesn’t have to be this complicated, take my hand and we’ll surf this wave.
But all the miscommunication, me alone and sober or accompanied and drunk.
I let my guard down when I met you,
How could I not?
You were the girl of my dreams.
And at the end of every fight I cried because I just wanted you to be alive,
I was tired of meeting other personalities, I wanted my V and my V only.
I convinced myself we weren’t meant to be because that was easier,
Easier than saying I love you.

We don’t talk anymore and I doubt we ever will but in case you were wondering I’m good don’t worry,
I just...
Love the feeling of the blade too much,
How easily is cuts, like you through my heart.
I pull the handle back and let it bleed, as I watch from above, the cells of my “perfect self” slowly drip out.
I pour myself to sleep because it’s easier than imagining you moving on, and though you say it was hard, you will never understand what’s like to love someone who doesn’t give a **** about you.

Every time I cry I grab myself a bottle, and when I’m liquored up I feel it,
I feel it so strongly that I can point out the pain,
Don’t save me from myself, I’ve always been fine on my own.

I wish I could hold you one last time before I forget what’s like to love,
And don’t worry,
You always thought I drank too much,
You and my doctor both,
But I realized drinking won’t **** me, loving you will.