let me
just this time
let me walk away first
spare me the heartbreak
of watching you leave
spare me the pain
of setting you free
let me, just this time
let me walk away first
let me feel the pride
of the one leaving
not the pity
of being left behind
let me, just this time
let me leave you first
i’m tired of watching you leave

lay me in bed of flowers
i want roses- white, yellow, and blue
i also want a red dress
put me a make up with shades of blue

keep the lights on
i want my place bright
sing me my favorite song
don’t leave me at night

let my friends- fake and real
say all the nice things
let my family cry and feel
all the sadness and loss that stings

mourn, mourn for me
give me your best cry
say you’ll remember me
with eyes of jeopardy

but on my last day here on earth
don’t make me feel that i’ve lost to death
instead please tell the afterlife
that i’ll bring sunshine and light

Hatred

your kiss felt like Judas,
— a betrayal
and if my forgiveness
is your pass to St. Peter
i’m telling you,
you better make friends
with Satan now

time and space transcend
you float in the sky
as thin as the air
the lightness of your being
made you feel like flying
no weight, not heavy
is it the same with being empty?
ease to unease, until it scares you
because the absence of weight feels like unreal
feels like you’re leaving the earthly being
while being heavy, pins you to the ground
closer to the soil, the earth, the more real
in moments where the soul can be pure
the unfamiliarity is threatening
and you’re left to wonder which is positive
the empty lightness of being
or the heavy value of existing

you are an expert at sorry
and i’m a master of forgiveness
ohh together baby
we make a perfect mess

this is not a poem
but a declaration
of defeat, a concession
the things i can’t change
the feelings i can’t make
as i comeback to this world
i’m not even whole, not even healed
from whatever diagnosis
from whatever disease
that sicks this life
that plunges the heart and mind
i swallowed pills, the happy ones
i even injected acceptance
i’m not even sure if it will lead to healing
or just a temporary silencing
of the chaos, of the storm
that lives within my soul
but whatever it might be
wherever it might take me
i now understand that not all lost battle is a defeat
and not all who concede are weak
and now is my turn, ohhh
i concede to this beautiful life

i’m tired of you leaving and coming back
and me accepting you like nothing happened
i’m tired of starting again and breaking again
and collecting pieces again and starting over and over again
i’m tired of investing then detaching
then boom it’s a ******* **** cycle
i’m tired yet i still go back and back and again and again
and forget and forgive again
i’m tired of you changing your mind
and me not even changing a heart
i’m tired, i’m so ******* tired
but I love you, i love you still
i love you with every ache of this heart
i love you with every stain and scar
i love you with every fiber of my existence
yeah i’m tired, but i said i love
and when i say i love you, i mean it forever