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Jun 2020 · 52
Fae Jun 2020
Sloshing ripples of rainbow light and a lonely engine purring
glitter across the sidewalk, neon rain
sliced up by the clack of her heels and the singing wind
Without the hum of fluorescent lights, you'd struggle to see
the shift of her shoulders as if someone's been
pulling her up by the roots
Whistle the way you would
Stare the way you would
Hide your mewling, self-loathing cries the way you would
Exhaust yourself, run away from
your self-inflicted ache
your beet-red palms and drool-crusted lips gawking at
Skin like silk born from mud and hurricanes
and mountains that your frail porcelain arms cannot move
Sweeping the dirt over your beautiful mistake
giving her a taste for your blood and the
bubbling sound of your last gasping breath
Fae Apr 2020
it was nice to hear an echo
like a perfect song in the bathroom
in another life we flew together
like this one
where we started to

it isn't as easy
to do this without you
whichever echo I am talking to
whatever fireplace could warm the
darkness of a room
i was supposed to build a harbor
i ****** up
it was you

how do i coax dandelions
into growing like a tree instead of
weeds crawling through the edges of
other people's footsteps
you were supposed to tell me
how do i carve a marble seawall
out of sand and stones?
i was a storm, i'm still a storm
and i don't know
for a new friend who reminded me of an old friend. goodbye for now.
Apr 2020 · 138
Fae Apr 2020
my head is full of noise
you were my very first
trauma bond friend

our blood runs the same river
that cuts
the Everest between us now

i wanted peace in time
you wanted
picket fences and to color in the lines
you worry bout me
but i see the cuts on both your hands
the white paint on your clothes
whatever spirit in your eyes
flew somewhere else that you don't know about
i'd sew you a black wool coat
to match mine

but my life won't make much sense to you
with your hamster wheels and lists to do
and i'm scared
that we're running
out of time
Mar 2020 · 55
Fae Mar 2020
you like your women stacked like
houses of cards
steaming in the sunlight, missing the inferno
wishing your toy soldiers
would would follow orders and go
where you want them to
spackle slapped over cracks but you're molding
so badly that I wish you'd burn it down
no match for
your uncatchable mausoleum
hidden bruises painted
pulsing, colors crawling over my skin
creeping across my fingers, spreading down the halls
on their slow trail back home
shadows kiss your skin the way they raked at mine
whispering for you to sink low the way you made me
learn to hit the ground and breathe soil
respect the pain you're so afraid of
your name etched on heavy chains
weighing down upon their shoulders
they are not your trauma nurses
no more dopamine dispensers
acting like the second coming
but you're so, so small
don't understand what I am getting at
better that you crawl
Fae Sep 2019
and I
wish I could change it
and we're always gonna be
and oh,
I know what we need
you start letting me go
our love is tainted
credit to BANKS for all lyrics, excerpt of Contaminated
Sep 2019 · 82
Every Day is Mother's Day
Fae Sep 2019
leaving you was a dream
I was flying, wings were fire
no fear of the sun
heartbeat, racing steps
the unbearable speed at which
I was free, free, free

but your nightmare
she's never close behind
the stench of her breath and her hooves
clattering, echoing, screaming
until we are the same
and I am chasing you
as if erasing you would
erase it all
Jun 2019 · 81
Wetland Mother
Fae Jun 2019
In your attempts to be my father, you took away my mother.

When I look at the vast expanse of willows swaying in the wind
humming a fading lullaby to me
absorbing the years I have lived

I feel the earth around me, dampening the ache in my chest.
It is so beautiful I could cry. A sea of green life
carrying the weight of all my self loathing, your words, memories of the sweet sting in my chest and
an inability to craft the words that would make you stop.

Quietly stripped of excuses, the anger blows away like cotton
until there is nothing left to face but my own desolation.
I am peeled open and pouring out

Maybe this is why you cry at thousand year old Catholic cathedrals
the yellow and gray carved stone, patriarchal monuments
to destroying the natural way a thing is and rebuilding it
in the image of a god that replaced the father you never had
as if the world were only beautiful if it were man-made
as if what you were given wasn’t enough

In the wetlands I try to wear your mask and
picture a vast city of renaissance architecture
and cobblestone streets,
marvel at the echoes of an older world.
I imagine what it would be like to to have
such an ignorance to everything here that I could tear it apart
and create something that attempts the intricacies
of a system far older and wiser.

But I see peace and patience and release and god in juniper waves
in the diving swallows that frighten you I see joy and freedom
I cannot understand, I will not understand
how I am meant to be more important
than all of this

Lying in a pool of grass, I breathe out your expectations like smoke
refill my lungs in the cool breeze of my wetland mother
Without a castle or a church, I am enough
Mar 2019 · 412
Dear Judas
Fae Mar 2019
we are a graveyard
the birds don't sing there
and I won't come
the history is written on me always
my fettered spirit swaying like a cloud
innocence underwater
this war has made us
ghosts of each other
praying that the light of sunset
drips over everything
until it's all golden and dry
and I can't remember
the sharpness of everything

the bitterness, the sour tasting memories
I drink each time I see your name
no kindness or happy time
could cast over this shadow
Someone else's angel, maybe
but you are my dreamless sleep

these nameless headstones serve us
like black water in a desert
with my forgiveness, please take
your life and your ghost and your wondering
out of this barren forest, this abyssal nothing
into the warmth of reflections
that have smiles left to offer
Feb 2019 · 192
Fae Feb 2019
a rose doesn't capture it
or a gemstone, color, spirit animal
blue-white new age glossy frames of text
instructions, categories, futile totems
that I place hopefully around
rivers and rivers of you
shining wet on my skin so bright
I can barely understand
the weather won't ever be mine
in the fog it's difficult to feel
desert or delta
whether this runs dry or not, it grows
impossible to come to terms with my smallness
so I curl up in your smile and hope
the leaves never stop falling
Jun 2018 · 254
is it true
Fae Jun 2018
dark night like it is now
same spin in the room
meant for me but my eyes were
on you
round soft words all over the floor
slippery, uncontrollable thoughts
spilling into a dark pool of
conversations I didn't know how to have
learning to never say I like playing dark games because

wearing my hair the same way as
if I can go back to before
counting all the red flags doesn't
make me any prouder of myself
you were never for the best but
I wanted a mistake, not a scar

I just
wanted your hands on me for a little while,
your mouth leaving marks on my neck
and then
a long drive home with memories to swim in
until land, until my heart made sense and wasn't
sick and broken and flooded

I ask myself what stupid, naive
immature part of me wanted to impress you so badly
that I accepted your observations of
the type of underwear I was wearing
as a counterargument to the plainness of my words
struggling through a storm of confusion
something about your face, I hated that
I wanted you, but you never
explained what game we were playing
echoes of my own desires churning in my stomach
things I wanted some other way
how can I say that you hurt me when I
wanted you to hurt me.... eventually

the motion of your hips is still stuck in my head
like a day at the ocean but it never goes away
when i could feel it up my spine and in my throat
when it was making me nauseous
staring at the wall and
imagining where I wanted to be, what I wanted to hear

and your name
your name
your name
your name, please
an attempt to bring you back to
some empathetic human form, not the
sick animal that wasn't letting my arms free from clenched palms
the words in my head, etched as if maybe some
other ghost said them, some other girl

and then prickly static all over my body
like a lost TV station
the words muffled in my mind, somewhere inside
the will to move, but it wasn't happening somehow
how do you know a stranger won't **** you in this space?
in this strange void between moaning and screaming?

minutes felt like days
and I hear you mumble something about
how the ****** didn't stay on
some kind of accident

Silent tears, the debate
where to sleep, how to sleep

I cried later because I kissed you in the morning
and you didn't deserve it
I thought this made it easier, that
I was attracted to the dark
better off with one bad night
lied to everyone, and the ones who
heard about it made themselves scarce
i'm sorry, silence, new subject
bury it like we bury
everything that needs healing

months later, at the bargaining stages
of my grief, trying to see you again,
as if a different night would make it better
paint over the blood stains
in the end I embarrassed myself
not for trying, but for making you worth the time

you were a bad night
in a bad room
bad words, bad decisions
I blamed everything else but
suddenly everyone is talking about
bad rooms and nightmares and
some woman in a room is listening to me
ask myself if it was true
Feb 2018 · 414
honey and milk
Fae Feb 2018
his hands have folded my heart into his palm
warm like dough, pressing
into me with each word, each
kiss is new and strange and tense and
comforting all at once, soft and dizzying
oozing through layers of brick and mortar
that I laid so surely around myself, painstakingly
as if any wall could keep honey
from pouring over its edges
the bluntness of his words
sear through me without warning
lashes of kindness that leave me ashamed
of how I had cringed
as if I deserved anything else
and suddenly I'm afraid that
9 lifetimes wouldn't be enough
that the sun in the afternoon would feel like
a knife in my heart without his touch
when love has seeped into my blood
so hopelessly that his absence makes me itch
to cut myself open and rid my body
of the pulsing reminder
that I have always been
filled with too much water
deep and boiling, snapping and rushing at
whatever touches me for too long
but his voice rains over me until
I am finally still
Jan 2017 · 348
Ice Castle
Fae Jan 2017
deep blue dreams of a world where you've passed on
even the sunlight is cold, streaming onto the kitchen sink
the world is incredibly quiet after someone has left it
a strange universe where we cannot fight over our grievances
or become bitter about past wounds because only
wind blows where you used to sit, and a deep knowing
sets inside my bones, that you are never coming home
you walk and talk and exist outside
of the blue haze, in the flesh
but your spirit has abandoned the rickety house of
fragile hopes and uncertain desires
it was necessary, it was goodbye, I try
to tell myself that this kitchen won't be blue forever
flipping through yellow pages for a name that time erased
drag myself out of the wasteland
Jan 2017 · 208
Fae Jan 2017
It feels alien to watch
my heart break without the rest of me breaking with it
my skeleton didn't crumble, I am not
a pile of ashes collecting inside an empty bottle of wine
just a jagged tear messily splitting a soft, beating lump of flesh
a little monster hellbent on destroying itself
why does the heart impale itself on arrow-shaped loves?
why don't I ever learn that the way in is never the way out?
all the way through, you went all the way through my life
latching onto what burned through me like a comet
finally letting myself fall with blistered hands and empty lungs
plunging into waves at full speed, bashed around by
a grief so deep its currents stole gravity and oxygen
and anything else that made sense before
every tiny impact of my existence painfully reminding me
in breaths, steps, quiet dinners
an echo of alone
A song on the radio isn't about us
but the notes and the melody have the same
howling anguish of losing you
I thought of it and didn't drown
but it rained all day

Your face in my mind is like leaving home
that wistful ache of turning back and seeing how far I am from it
the pain of choosing between the rest of my life and the rest of his
loss is not a wound that closes up nicely, it is not
a heavy weight that becomes light as a feather
it is a scream in the night that turns into a song
time can only teach us to sing without tears spilling down our cheeks
Dec 2016 · 284
Make Believe
Fae Dec 2016
she rises up like smoke
in my head, on my mind
the type, your type, his type
serving up a plate of whatever you want
in the middle of the night
boys drive fast cars, men **** fast girls
is what she says to me, this
picture of insanity licking the blood mary
off a bee-stung bottom lip and I pound the mirror
with my fists, angry at unshattered glass
that the futility of who she is and who I am
isn't enough to break the barrier between us
so I stare into it, paint my face and sway to idle melodies
as everything she is drifts into me in flecks of color
absorbing the mosaic of femininity I have laid out for myself
standing up a little taller as my steps click across the floor
siphoning out the essence of the her, the me, the unreachable dream
the mask becomes the costume becomes the armor
the girl that moves you in a cool blue lounge
is as real as the way you want her
there and gone without a sound
dancing in the air of your cigarette exhale
Dec 2016 · 207
Fae Dec 2016
may the ocean rise up to greet you
and carry you under the swell
siphoning hot tears from your cheeks
like lava turning to stone as it slows down
may the power of your sorrow not be enough
to erode your shaking legs to sand or crack your tired bones
and instead let it pour out like a hot current through melting snow
breaking the ice webbed around your fingers
so that you can hold things tightly again
may the wind and the earth and whatever keeps
this molten rock whirling through the universe lend you
the strength that has eluded me
to find yourself worth loving, to carve a path through
the endless winter, embracing your shoulders instead of
your loneliness
or the very monster that caused it
too heavy to bear, too ugly to face
may your heart have the constitution to face the abyss,
to let you scream and wail and cry with each step,
killing the demon inside yourself, the thing that has tricked you
into never moving, never trusting, never believing
may the sky give you new eyes to see
reflections for what they are,
roses for their petals and not their thorns
and most of all may you remember that this miserable cage
is not a cage at all, each painted bar a stroke of icy wind,
waving and dissipating if only
we move
as quickly as the time does
get well soon wish
Sep 2016 · 3.4k
Fae Sep 2016
raise the ice around your heart or I won't want it anymore
drive a wedge between our arms until I'm clawing at the door
I'm not in pain, I don't need your bandaids, I don't
feel anything without a knife
dragging down the center
want me in an awful way, go on until I'm not ashamed
but my shoulders are shaking
wring out my heart, don't question what is pouring from it
collect a cup of poison with my name already on it
let it spill, cascades of glass making light dance like it's Christmas
for the love of god don't let your love soften your spine
don't look at me with those eyes
like you're about to lock the doors
please stop explaining what these rules are for, why this isn't right
you're a subway train and I'm rolling the dice
I'm out of my mind, love, I'm out of my mind
Sep 2016 · 276
Waiting Game
Fae Sep 2016
break the surface just to breathe
choking on mere fragments of static in
a heavy, fuzzy, humid room dancing with smoke
no mirrors, only ghosts
whispering a thought
until the thought makes me choke
wispy fingers clench tighter
forgetting how to breath for hours
how do I tell you that you've made me cry when the door creaks open and I can't remember how to tell you anything at all?
as if the room was always filled with your scent
something that's unnameable and a button-up shirt
fresh out of the dryer
I fail to find the words to say
you **** me with your waiting game
Nov 2015 · 634
Fae Nov 2015
an ache
breathes like a sigh through my lower back
the way I'm always hunched like this
when I'm too far into a cluster of worries
unknowingly curving my tired body
in the same spiral my brain is going
like a snail hiding in its shell
I don't think he loves me
I'm not sure he ever did
the sleepless thought gloops through my mind like a trail of slime
what he needed was another night
what I needed was the same, but
with instead of without
reassurance of a warm chest against my back
instead of doubts stacked like rocks on my shoulders
already carrying the weight of my whole house
I slowly glide through life, leaving
dribbles of me everywhere
gross remnants that most people avoid
room full of takeout wrappers, greasy paper bags
wet tissues in damp fluffy piles on the floor
I wanted to be close
but who could bear to spend another night
missing out on the stars and covered in slime?
Nov 2015 · 614
Fae Nov 2015
I count the days since I've eaten
Count the numbers on the scale, count the
sizes, the wrinkles, the imperfections, the calories
flashing pristine smiles on blue lit screens
perfect faces delivering gospel to the invalids
I alternate between mother and monster
eyes too close together, nose too big
drink some tea, paint over what isn't right
cut the skin where it isn't pretty enough
oh honey, look what you've done to yourself
will myself into skeleton form to erase the ugliness
if you don't save quickly, what good will surgery do?
the crashing waves of hate subsides
the ambition, the thirst to be pretty enough
some sick twist of fate
his desires crack like a whip behind me
my legs struggling to keep up with the legs of
six other girls pulling this ******* carriage
wittle down the face here, or there
tighter, softer, almond eyes, longer legs, thinner face
until I can barely pull the weight of his expectations
but how can I do anything but try to keep up when
I'm hooked up to a yolk behind perfect *****,
****** ratios and racial fetishes
crafting a life that consists of running and water and sleep and
nothing else but self loathing
he kissed her lips but it's my fault
the truth butchered my trust in anything
butterflies of innocence I birthed and ruined
please forgive me for the things I cannot change
Oct 2015 · 587
Find Your Fire
Fae Oct 2015
Honey, honey, honey
I was fine
but you set me on fire and I died
rose up from the ashes, blazing aimlessly, flying far too fast
burning everything I touched as I passed
selkie to phoenix, angel to *****
take me, break me, make me
forget the air that wasn't in my lungs before
toxic, volatile, but I drank it and chased
chained to my maker when he wasn't my mate
I'm dancing with a devil
and my knees won't buckle
this is rough, this is wrong
fighting ***** just to lose
was what I wanted all along
Bare teeth, fresh meat, no sleep
roll up your sleeves and give me everything
you were afraid to give to the ones that were weak
You set me on fire, and I need it
You set me on fire, so feed it
Oct 2015 · 710
I See Your Skin Turn Red
Fae Oct 2015
I can read your mind
I see your skin turn red
when you lie

One step
was all it really took
And I don't know your story
but girl, I've read your book

If you don't want to tell me nothin'
then you can go straight to hell
But first I'm gonna tell you something
*You ****** this up yourself
Credit: Jaymes Young (Parachute)
Sep 2015 · 668
Fae Sep 2015
the silence makes me shake
smooth out the wrinkles on the red velvet tablecloth
pushing out all the crinkles i made
his text interrupts the flicker of the melting candles
i'm sorry, i'm sorry
baby, i don't want this to be real

so i sit in a stiff chair, in the breezy balmy evening
watch the curtains flutter
wishing the buzz of my cell phone
was a knock at my door
Sep 2015 · 674
Fae Sep 2015
love-sewn, evergreen
cracked psyche, split seams
make your bed in the black soil
dig yourself deep, deep, deep

sing your river song, shine away
the dust from alabaster picture frames
press shaking fingers, empty glass slots
count every little kiss you couldn't keep

take medicine, make things change
try and try and try in vain
unravel, collapse
under the cruel weight of every goodbye

icebox periwinkle skin
patched up one too many times back when
things were pink and fresh and new, not black and blue and now
it's all so convoluted

count your zebra stripes,
your lifelines,
your circles that led to nowhere,
your blank white rooms silent as the day after a snowstorm,
your loneliness, the sound of everything going in the blender
the scars, the years, the agony
the snot choked tears, the sorry you can't say enough
the love that hurt so ******* much
the love that will stay till you're gone

so make your bed in the black soil
tuck yourself into a grave
bury your life till your knuckles turn red
till you're flat on your back and the last heartbeat's fled
close your eyes and become evergreen
Aug 2015 · 1.0k
Fae Aug 2015
I was a child
maybe 4, or 5
swimming towards you in the pool
could never quite reach you
I was so angry
Mama, that's cheating
moved the finish line of your arms backwards until
I realized you would keep doing it, laughing just so
I would keep swimming
in the direction that you chose
it was always like that with you
never knew the truth of you until after it had hurt me

Grew up with such strong feelings,
strong emotions, smart mouth
screaming faces, your face, twisted up
your voice, sharp like an angry snarling dog
your hands like talons, gripping my sides
shaking me, shaking me
first you love me, then you hate me
held me when I was hurting
but you're the one that hurt me
so confused
Mama, you messed me up

drunk as punch on my own tears, staring
at the wall in my bedroom for the hundredth time
with the door shut, can't go out
it's been so many years since then
since the screaming and the crying and the
ugly senior pictures because you refused to let the braces come off, even when the dentist offered
made me cry and sent me alone into the photo booth,
choking back tears and applying extra makeup
2 years later my brother has
3 different sets of photos to my single sorry one
as if she knew how much it hurt to see the physical proof
of how much she couldn't stand me
how much she hated every ounce of freedom I had
how nothing meant anything unless
she could control it

I could have my own thoughts
but you had to agree with them
and you could have your own lies
but I had to agree with them
bruises, real bruises
and the ones on my heart
"you little *******" you called me
"going nowhere with your life"
"dressed on the corner like a *****" you said
about walking home in a bathing suit from the pool
yes, Mama, everything you say Mama
and I just couldn't do it and
I fought and clawed my way out of hell,
making sure you'd feel half the shame you brought upon yourself

the distance mended my soul, but
in the silence I still cried and was
so happy you couldn't tell me
how and when i should cry
so I just cried until it all ran out
and sat on a hill, free of you

Mama, you're getting older now and
you want to see me again and
Mama, I don't miss you
As hard as I try
I don't feel anything but
so so sorry for you
I don't feel love, I don't feel hate, I just feel
betrayed, and like you'll never change

Mama, you were an emotional wreck
from my first birthday to the day I walked out that door
Mama, there is sadness etched in
wrinkles on your face now
I fight the urge to do something, say something
Tugged forward and back like a never ending tide

But Mama, I don't want to go there
To the trail of tears
Sweetness from a distance
but the minute I share
an inch of my life, you're pulling at it like
a bird unraveling a tapestry to make its own nest
trying to consume control again
you can't just let it rest, you can't love me when I'm free
Mama, I'm so sorry but
you have to let me be
Aug 2015 · 283
a better ending
Fae Aug 2015
can't scrub it clean
trying and trying
some of you don't feel the need
to say so many words
but they're spilling out of my gut
****** glistening knives
shimmering trout always swimming
upstream, upstream
broken record, broken wheel
do you hold it against me?
do you resent me, do you
repent the days you spent even a second
against me, twisting me up inside
apologies that were never real
selfish, evil, young, too self involved to feel
you're good at faking it but
we both are undone
i want a real sorry
an unembellished explanation
from a sociopath, right
i may as well want pigs to fly
*****, spit out the truth
until it makes you choke
on your own venom, on the eggshell
that you crawled out of
you ******* reptile, but what good
does it do screaming into the mouths of crocodiles
we'll keep on sewing up and mending
stitch up all the wounds and hope
for a better ending
really ****** cathartic blurb of thought because it helped me feel better
Jul 2015 · 3.4k
Fae Jul 2015
Your memory trickles into my heart and makes it ache
Saturday morning coffee wafting through the apartment
The aroma gently knocking over the paper walls I used
to shield myself from the dark, heavy, electrifying past I was
trying to forget
But someone's brewing coffee and
I'm suddenly in a hundred airports and cafés with free wifi
Saying goodbye, saying temporary things
The smell hits me like leaving, like my chest swelling up with poison tears
Frantic fingers typing on a keyboard begging for your company
My throat tenses up my heart's a rabbit racing for its life
Our painful beginnings and ends in
those pungent lounges and departure gates
until I miss you more than I want to keep breathing
Jun 2015 · 385
Fae Jun 2015
How do I cleave through the ice in my bones?
How do I feel when the feeling's unknown?
Something so lost and forlorn it has grown
into myth and lore, fairytales and adventures
the only map or way back
Frost on fuschia petals in the middle of summer
and an endless monochrome beach,
gray and gray, night and day I roam miles, but
I've gone the wrong way
Violets in wonderland, never escape
Running so fast but my limbs are like sand and I'm drowning
Hands are withering leaves instead of
parts that speak when my mouth can't
All this time I thought I was moving forward, but I was
just a **** tearing myself away
from a shriveled patch of beach grass
Swept away by the wind till I browned, born to die
The wildflower that wanted to fly
Dec 2014 · 677
Fae Dec 2014
The right words don't fall into my head exactly as
they should
They don't click into place like blocks
Or softly mesh together like puzzle pieces

They explode like diamonds
bursting from random fruits on random vines
tangled around my mind are absurd,
unexpected sharp crystals of light

why water leaves that hiss and bear their teeth?
petals wilting and blackening at the softest rain, I try
to grow past the thorns and brambles
whispering that everyone would watch me burn,
that I should hate them in return

why tend a field that never stops catching fire?
but I only want heaven surrounded by flame
a wall of embers and carnage and screaming your name
the right words don't lay themselves out in my head
horrible poison is spewed out instead
I could ask, but how could I rightly expect
anyone to cut through the seven hells I'm made of
Dec 2014 · 386
Fae Dec 2014
wondering what dry land smells like
salty water rushing round my knees
rolling tendrils down my cheeks
heaving and hauling buckets of your smile
off the rotting decks, into the black water
praying that the visions will diffuse like mist in the sea
but they flow like siren songs through me

quietly taking the toll that I paid
blizzard of soft charcoal feathers swirling against the clouds,
rolling hills and a daisy behind my ear
sloshing buckets of needles
waves of torment,
writhing, possessed torment
breathless in a sunrise I don't want to see
praying there were gods and heavens
that would save this sinking ship
Dec 2014 · 2.5k
Fae Dec 2014
I'll peel your white picket fence dreams
off your crumbling pavement
like red nightmares burning a choir of
love from the walls
dripping cacophony of slick oil spills
clogging my heart, strangling my will
into knots and knots and knots and knots
and I need a knife, I need this knife
to end every searing burning bite inside
until, like roses, their heads sprout
through the soil of my broken bones
rippling scales rooted in my soul
Sep 2014 · 631
Fed Up
Fae Sep 2014
I'm fed up with your ten cent love
don't want more promises to lift me up
when all you do is drag me down
the earth has swallowed me whole and
you can't save me now
empty dinner tables, refill my cup
I can't wait at this bar alone another hour
I can't watch my heart crumble anymore
So pack up and fly away
to where ever wind should take you
Don't make it bleed more than it has to
Don't make me beg, don't throw another dime
in my direction, babe I'm not your
wishing well
Sep 2014 · 1.5k
Leaky Faucet
Fae Sep 2014
Drip, drip, drip, drip
I hurt myself today
Iridescent tower of clear liquid splashing, sparkling
to see if I still feel
Harmless droplets of the memories that make life so tangible
I focus on the pain
and yet, too much can be fatal, torturous
the only thing that's real
Little moments sharpen into points of ice, drilling into the same wound
the needle tears a hole
Over and over and over until your closed doors and missed calls
the old, familiar sting
ripple through me like a roaring waterfall, I am drowning, I am drowning
try to **** it all away
And you say it's only a leaky faucet, but your silence dripped into my pores
but I remember everything
and I eroded, slipping through my own fingers when I tried to hold on
Italic lyrics credited to Johnny Cash's 'Hurt'
Aug 2014 · 7.8k
Fae Aug 2014
If you could sew the fragments of my
tattered soul into your best clothes
I wouldn't mind
Wear me like a silver chain
in your pocket when you need it
Not always there completely
but woven somewhere near your heart
a fragrant memory, a revisited rose
People ask how I can be so twisted
so wrong, so morally perverse
Who broke you?
Who made you this way?

But devotion was never brokenness
the same way a tree
simply grew that way, and no one needed
to slash its branches or disfigure it
to create leaves or branches in a different color
People honor and praise
dogs for their loyalty,
mythic heroes of selflessness and service
hearts purer than most of us,
compassionate children of the animal world
and yet
My submission to him is monstrous, sickening
A sign of my weakness and mental disfigurement
when all I've ever done was recognize
that the world is harsh, and hard
so unforgiving, and when
I find someone who treats me
like the most precious flower in their garden
I cannot help but blossom for them in ways
that bring me to my knees before I'm ever in their arms
when there is such a warm, deep trust that
I pour into him like tea, and in the quiet space of us
nothing matters quite as much as his happiness
Because he has already protected mine
Not my favourite piece of writing, but I really needed to get it out.
Aug 2014 · 693
Fae Aug 2014
The truth is, I don't want to fly
The sky isn't as beautiful as I remember it
There was a brief moment when
roasted marshmallows over a campfire in the yard
smelled like my childhood memories
Yosemite, Yellowstone, running through forests
with a wild happiness and invincibility I can never retrieve
What I would do to restore the streams of life in me
I would give anything
to be whole again

But the truth is, I don't want to fly
I don't want to eat
I don't want to walk another mile
in these ****** shoes
The truth is I am much worse
than I let on
The truth is I can barely keep this job
Because I don't have the strength to care
to get out of bed
I don't remember what the point is
I needed help and I got tired of asking
for things no one wants to give
Love, not medication
A safer home, not condemnation
Everyone's lives cluttered with their own
and I'm no one's own
I just
and when the people who raised you didn't do a great job
when you father said that he wouldn't have had you if he could go back
when your mother is simpering
and manipulative and a victim and a monster all at once
offering conditional, critical love one day
having scarring tantrums the next
when the place you grew up isn't a place of love and
there is no where to go but an emergency room

the doctors don't care about people in emergency rooms unless
you're about to die, and blood isn't
squirting out of my carotid but I sure as hell feel dead inside
they ask you why you aren't on medication
and you try to explain you just want to feel loved and not so afraid
and that depression needs a kind of care
no one is willing to give, which is why you're here in this hospital
with barely enough food in your system
acute stomach pains and chills and they look at you like
a stray dog begging for hospital food, no business being here
they don't give you emergency care in emergency rooms
your broken heart is not an emergency to anyone
But I can't form those words because I haven't eaten
and the pins and needles have spread to my mouth and my toes
I physically literally cannot form the words "help me" and
this scares me so much it is hard to breathe
it is so hard to hold the phone to call someone with stiff numb fingers
so I don't and I cry and I cry and I cry and my hands shake, and I cry
I cannot explain how humiliating it is
to watch the door shut by an indifferent nurse
because your panic attack, your wailing and sobbing is TOO LOUD
so you hobble on numb legs out of the hospital
(once you have gathered the strength and mobility)
and drive home shaking, hoping you can make it to a fridge filled with air
and condiment bottles and plain pasta
and hope the entire staff dies of cancer in a month
that's how bitter you have become

The truth is,
I am useless, a sick baby bird
and I wish someone could love me knowing and accepting
that I am broken
that I am trying to be okay, I am trying to be okay
but I am dying inside, and people keep closing their doors
The truth is, I am ashamed
The truth is, I need someone to feed me
three times a day until I can do it on my own
and put me to bed and kiss me good morning on the forehead
and hold my hand and show me that the world is okay
until I can get up on my own again
I need a break from this job because I can barely
pay attention to the road without swerving from fatigue or sleep deprivation
I need a place to rest that will not ask me for more money
Because I don't have any
because my parents stopped supporting me after high school
and I was a smart kid, everyone says that, but
I didn't have the strength or the heart to get up and keep going
So I stumbled through the world and the years
trying to finish college
but I don't have the strength to get up and keep going
when no one calls, when my family
can't look at me without seeing something wrong
I am out of everything
I try to hold onto routines, but there aren't any
and everything changes all the time,
pack up and move again
I wait for texts that don't come when they said they would and
the reason I wear the mask is because
once you take it off, everyone looks so disgusted
and asks why you haven't seen a doctor
and you tell them that you have, but no one understands that
unconditional love is a myth to you
and no one told you that it was going to be okay and
I don't want to fly anymore
Aug 2014 · 275
Thank You
Fae Aug 2014
I'm terrible at sewing thoughts
into patterns and ordered gardens of
emotions blossoming in perfect rhythm
the way you always stitched your love
into every word
lines on a warm palm traced perfectly

But I give you my vines, my wreckless
love streaming boundlessly, splashing
all over what I meant to say
forming tendrils of clear water on stone
and wildflowers where they shouldn't have grown

You taught me that it was beautiful
even when I didn't mean it to be
such a mess but you built a home there
laid me down in the wild meadow of my soul
until it wasn't such a mess anymore
Gone some days, and the ache never hurts more
than right before it starts but
you always hold me a little longer than it takes
to stop crying and your eyes
light up and the room with golden dust,
filled with magic and meteor showers
and a hope in your heart that fills mine back up

I never thought anyone would take
this broken cup and pour such
rich sweetness into me
drops of life that I cherish when I crumble
the laughter through tears
in the middle of the night when
there are too many clothes on the floor
and too many pieces of myself on the floor
but you're singing like it's a Sunday afternoon
in a silly voice that makes the tears come faster because
how could you love me so unconditionally I can't
fathom how I could be worth a fraction
of such an ocean of love, but you teach me
with time and the stillness of your presence
and I start to believe in waves
that will carry me home
for my Dragon
Aug 2014 · 696
Fae Aug 2014
losing my petals
breathing in blue topaz
with the clarity of
a freshly severed head
watching the last swallow
slice through the summer air like butter
this sad rose
wilting in an empty house
for someone who loved to kneel
you certainly
were quick to take the crown
never plucked my petals
but didn't mind
hanging me out to dry
the dust collects
a graceful twist of irony as the sadist
sweeps up the mess
filling my roots with soil and water
breathing colour back into the heaving stem
i shouldn't have kept
on living but
unnaturally, i do exist
unraveled, reformed, dethroned
Fae Jul 2014
Sloshing against the summer sand
Water salty, never warm enough
Never less biting when it returns
Upon departure leaving silver strands
Of memories and lessons I can't unlearn
Dark nights an endless caravan
Of hypothetical rejections
Your phantom cloaked in disdain and I can't
place why you hate me so much
Wiped the slate clean from ashes to dust
Heart like dirt, blindly seeking new seeds
But it never rained and I leaked everything
Onto these pages for no god ****** reason
Why do people
never say that they mean it?
Jul 2014 · 430
Waking Up
Fae Jul 2014
I never wanted to describe this
Thick brushstrokes bleeding onto paper
Vain attempts to grow through the holes,
the pulsating mess of me

you built a garden with your lies
buds of peach blossoms plump with meaning
spring green with promise, I
inhaled for the longest moment, eyes closed
dreaming of the years,
how time would sing soft petals open
tripped and fell upside down, out of the clouds
into a war zone  echoing songs of another time

sour nectar dripping from rotting branches
tell me again how
could your fingers have moved
so gracefully in a pattern that
sent your lust to her
what didn't I have
what couldn't I have done

the filth of you,
not in the content, but in the design
in the breaking of rules
the violation, the dismantling of walls
the desecration of words meant for me, not for all of them
Pretty girl, pretty girl
such a pretty girl

I was in love with a parroting fool
I am sick
make it stop

unable to let go of our rusty railings
no one bothered to tell me which ship you were sinking
swallowed by dark waters to I don't know where
holding tight to the same hand that led me
down so many dark paths

how do I
explain where my heart has gone
when you have salted the earth of my garden
since the day it was planted
how do I kiss you when the wind passes
through your hollow chest, taking my love with it
leading me blindly to the slaughter or pasture
didn't matter,
as long as she paid you

how do I say
that sorry doesn't feel the same
that collapsed temples don't rebuild
they disappear beneath the earth
that it can never be as sacred as
peach blossoms and no one else
Jul 2014 · 495
Fae Jul 2014
two sugars and a bit of milk
stirred, no, leave the teaspoon in
you'd never drink your coffee
without that ******* spoon
it's been a year
a year and a bit
still can't write a rhythm with riffs and notes
the way you like it
could never break out of talking in circles
the final days, the constant fighting
but it's been a year
and I miss the sound of us arguing

the first time I ever got in a car
and drove away from someone I loved
was with you
you were
the first person who ever knew where to find me
tears pouring into the ocean
like sand through an hourglass
we were never meant for each other
not the way you wanted
I've never held a heart
I've never pulled the trigger
no one ever taught me how to hold a gun,
tore out a piece of both of us
glass hovering mid-air like feathers in a photograph
frozen pieces, and I couldn't open my eyes
you're gone, and I still can't open them

I'm still in Brighton
I'm still in bed with you on fresh winter nights
when we didn't love each other
but I'd come to you with glassy eyes
brimming with emptiness and ask
if I could please sleep there
and you let me
and I wonder why

I try to pick apart the mismatched pieces
our life together like a mad unbirthday party
lovers, and then friends
the best of friends
how I wonder if I ever tormented you
kills me that some things I couldn't give to you
after the storm we were
the best of friends
the best of friends
the best of friends
my heart beating in disordered flickers
like these broken lines
like the candle that has long gone out
the best of friends
Your soul so bright and happy like
that ******* hot Australian sun

the rain doesn't ever tell me why you left
I cut peppers thin, because you liked them that way
always leave the spoon in my tea
I survived the strange weather of my life
falling apart like a raft in a storm
I lay shivering on scorching city nights
full of the wrong chemicals
on that street you wouldn't walk across at night
to get away
from everything I couldn't bear
I lost everything
the pretty sparkle of my blood down a shower drain
I wasn't there anymore
and neither were you
I returned my mother's key
I lay on the wooden floors of an empty house
my mind an overturned hatbox of our happier times
clinging to them when there wasn't food to eat
when bed was the only place I wanted to go
when it was the only place my body could
will myself to remain in

your promises like hot marbles spilled
onto those sizzling littered streets
falling down gutters and out of sight, out of mind
bruises blossoming like violets on my thighs because
a car was coming and I kept walking
welcoming the sweet sting of metal on skin on pavement
hit me hard, I'm ready
soul singing for the end
Where were you, then?
when the last piece of me faded
the last pillar still standing
the one that kept my chin up
you standing there with an arm around my shoulder
years of our lives wrapped around each other
Closed my eyes but I still
had to watch them burn away
clutching my phone, crying for someone
looping your voicemail until I couldn't breathe
trying to imagine what you might have said
to make any of this easier

the world is a different place without you
I know it wasn't enough for us, but that doesn't erase it
Carving a line through the words didn't change them
I wished you well, as time ate away at me

We are flickering, fading, not even friends and you'll
probably laugh by the time you read this
I always leave the spoon in my cup of tea
and try not to cry when I see ordinary things
like elephants, or stargazer lilies,
or cooking appliances, or a cat that looks like the one we loved

I'll always be there
the biggest lie
the way you never said goodbye
what used to be my shelter
locked and boarded up so tight
followed every fading foot-print
but it's time to say goodnight
and I don't think I wish
you very well anymore
Jun 2014 · 297
Fae Jun 2014
Matchstick mayhem crumbled the frames
Sweet burning fodder for a heart of justice
and final tests and points of no return
Words slipping, shapened hotly by a fearful tongue
ghosts of meaning which can do so much
but cannot be undone
like water trickling on smoking rubble
as if steam and vapor would raise the doors again
My honest heart, a violent rising and falling of a phoenix
As cruel as plain words strike, she flew through hallways
lighting paintings and mirrors ablaze until
there was nothing left
No respite from the heat of pain, not yet
wait until I'm ashes on the ground,
wishing I could make it stop
They say the truth will set you free
But not until it's done with you
May 2014 · 330
Consider The Majority
Fae May 2014
When everyone
is calling you
a *****
you are one
Not intended as a feminist or anti-feminist statement. Related to a very funny acquaintance of mine who is blind to his/her own rude behaviour and is frequently ostracized because of it. People shouldn't use the word ***** to demean women, as a rule of thumb. Have a nice day.
May 2014 · 547
Ripples in a Pond
Fae May 2014
I live vividly
on carpet floors in a nest of silk chiffon
Nevermind the dole
or wafting scent of cigarettes
He carves away at me
whittling tough pieces down to shimmering bark
Wet grass in the summer etched into my soul
Scarlet demons can't touch me,
they are nothing, receding into the soil like worms in bright sunlight
How can you love something so cruel?
You can't.
Like a bell the answer rings, the clarity of spring
These iron claws are mine to hold, to wield against everything
How light the world is, how free
To be able to mark my words, for once
without the sorrow of defeat
I swim darkly through a deep new pond
A shadowed glimmer by my side
I dance with fire and sienna dust
to the music in his eyes
We sing goodbye to monsters in the sand
and childish poltergeists
Apr 2014 · 408
Fae Apr 2014
Whirlpools of bad memories
in a thick black lake
Subconscious at the bottom
flickering shadows of bright frogs, like magic
Sometimes I dive deep there, when we don't talk
You told me to come back
I told you I was a house on fire
the very bones of my being fueling my chaotic cycle
like a snake eating its tail
Through the smoke and the steaming rain,
collapsed staircases and flashes of blue flame
There you are
with your bricks and mortar
palms of your hands painted with callouses and ash
Smoothing over singed framework,
replacing broken pipes one by one
Parting clouds until the sun shines
For the only one who endures my chaos and holds me after nightmares. <3
Apr 2014 · 374
Fae Apr 2014
There is a hole in the woods
Deep down in the forest floor
Covered up by piles of leaves
There is a spider there that sings
A twisted song just smooth enough
To draw them closer to her nest
She catches doves, drains them dry
Hangs them by silken thread up high
From far away, it almost looks
Like she isn't living a lie
Apr 2014 · 323
China Heart
Fae Apr 2014
A thrum like hummingbird wings mark the pulse
Sharp, asymmetrical chunks missing
No, not your false china heart,
glossy paint over fragile dirt-brown pieces
No, not your jealousy in jade
that never matched those soulless eyes
black as misery, hungry and cold
It is My opalescent heart that flutters
and shines in the sun
bruises, fractures, sins and all
defying every blade you used to chop it down
pricking your fingers where you tried to steal it from the truth
Choke on your empty words
drink the poison that you filled them with
take your monstrous, china heart
and break it
Apr 2014 · 1.3k
Fae Apr 2014
Over and over and
over and over
and over
watch me go
pushing quarters into a slot
over and over
making me sick
ripping up my insides
everything going faster
over and over and over
I leave
with no one behind
and no one ahead
no one to pull me off
Apr 2014 · 245
Fae Apr 2014
Maybe one day someone
will put me up on the pedestal
you reserved for her
Maybe he won't lie so many times
treat me like I'm
actually worth the rest of his life
Maybe one day someone
won't leave me so alone
or sleep through my pain
or smoke it away while I'm
drowning in tears
Maybe one day I'll be worth it
Maybe one day I'll be enough
Maybe I'll be okay
I'll step away from the window
and never feel like falling again
Maybe one day
Apr 2014 · 429
I Tried
Fae Apr 2014
I tried
to hold
the shards I had left
I cried
more times
than I could count
I'm not
so good
at being together
I set fire to things
I shouldn't have
But there was no water
to put it out
No storm to chase me
and rain on everything
that I was burning
it only rains quiet blood from my heart
all the little holes poked in it
it finally fell apart
I tried
to be good
I tried
to do the right thing
I tried
to stay
Apr 2014 · 1.1k
Fly Away
Fae Apr 2014
There’s an emptiness inside my eyes
And a silence kept swimming
Come fly with me

Treading water 'till gold turns to dust
You better know by now
No turning back

Shards in the ocean catch my heart
Just wait and see, old lover
*I’ll set you free
Mar 2014 · 494
Fae Mar 2014
Oh, the irony
of being on the other side of the knife
and feeling it pierce my heart
either way
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