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Fae Jun 2020
Sloshing ripples of rainbow light and a lonely engine purring
glitter across the sidewalk, neon rain
sliced up by the clack of her heels and the singing wind
Without the hum of fluorescent lights, you'd struggle to see
the shift of her shoulders as if someone's been
pulling her up by the roots
Whistle the way you would
Stare the way you would
Hide your mewling, self-loathing cries the way you would
Exhaust yourself, run away from
your self-inflicted ache
your beet-red palms and drool-crusted lips gawking at
Skin like silk born from mud and hurricanes
and mountains that your frail porcelain arms cannot move
Sweeping the dirt over your beautiful mistake
giving her a taste for your blood and the
bubbling sound of your last gasping breath
Fae Apr 2020
it was nice to hear an echo
like a perfect song in the bathroom
in another life we flew together
like this one
where we started to

it isn't as easy
to do this without you
whichever echo I am talking to
whatever fireplace could warm the
darkness of a room
i was supposed to build a harbor
i ****** up
it was you

how do i coax dandelions
into growing like a tree instead of
weeds crawling through the edges of
other people's footsteps
you were supposed to tell me
how do i carve a marble seawall
out of sand and stones?
i was a storm, i'm still a storm
and i don't know
for a new friend who reminded me of an old friend. goodbye for now.
Fae Apr 2020
my head is full of noise
you were my very first
trauma bond friend

our blood runs the same river
that cuts
the Everest between us now

i wanted peace in time
you wanted
picket fences and to color in the lines
you worry bout me
but i see the cuts on both your hands
the white paint on your clothes
whatever spirit in your eyes
flew somewhere else that you don't know about
i'd sew you a black wool coat
to match mine

but my life won't make much sense to you
with your hamster wheels and lists to do
and i'm scared
that we're running
out of time
Fae Mar 2020
you like your women stacked like
houses of cards
steaming in the sunlight, missing the inferno
wishing your toy soldiers
would would follow orders and go
where you want them to
spackle slapped over cracks but you're molding
so badly that I wish you'd burn it down
no match for
your uncatchable mausoleum
hidden bruises painted
pulsing, colors crawling over my skin
creeping across my fingers, spreading down the halls
on their slow trail back home
shadows kiss your skin the way they raked at mine
whispering for you to sink low the way you made me
learn to hit the ground and breathe soil
respect the pain you're so afraid of
your name etched on heavy chains
weighing down upon their shoulders
they are not your trauma nurses
no more dopamine dispensers
acting like the second coming
but you're so, so small
don't understand what I am getting at
better that you crawl
Fae Sep 2019
and I
wish I could change it
and we're always gonna be
and oh,
I know what we need
you start letting me go
our love is tainted
credit to BANKS for all lyrics, excerpt of Contaminated
Fae Sep 2019
leaving you was a dream
I was flying, wings were fire
no fear of the sun
heartbeat, racing steps
the unbearable speed at which
I was free, free, free

but your nightmare
she's never close behind
the stench of her breath and her hooves
clattering, echoing, screaming
until we are the same
and I am chasing you
as if erasing you would
erase it all
Fae Jun 2019
In your attempts to be my father, you took away my mother.

When I look at the vast expanse of willows swaying in the wind
humming a fading lullaby to me
absorbing the years I have lived

I feel the earth around me, dampening the ache in my chest.
It is so beautiful I could cry. A sea of green life
carrying the weight of all my self loathing, your words, memories of the sweet sting in my chest and
an inability to craft the words that would make you stop.

Quietly stripped of excuses, the anger blows away like cotton
until there is nothing left to face but my own desolation.
I am peeled open and pouring out

Maybe this is why you cry at thousand year old Catholic cathedrals
the yellow and gray carved stone, patriarchal monuments
to destroying the natural way a thing is and rebuilding it
in the image of a god that replaced the father you never had
as if the world were only beautiful if it were man-made
as if what you were given wasn’t enough

In the wetlands I try to wear your mask and
picture a vast city of renaissance architecture
and cobblestone streets,
marvel at the echoes of an older world.
I imagine what it would be like to to have
such an ignorance to everything here that I could tear it apart
and create something that attempts the intricacies
of a system far older and wiser.

But I see peace and patience and release and god in juniper waves
in the diving swallows that frighten you I see joy and freedom
I cannot understand, I will not understand
how I am meant to be more important
than all of this

Lying in a pool of grass, I breathe out your expectations like smoke
refill my lungs in the cool breeze of my wetland mother
Without a castle or a church, I am enough
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