up down
and sideways
she falls Alice
in the hole
but there are
no jam jars this
time
she, not
running after
a rabbit
but a little
box of treasures
a flutter of
sweet memories
he flung down
into that space
for her to
catch
only when
Alice lands
with that thump
we will
replace the dry
leaves with
spikes of
the nasty kind
carved out
of the sort
of hurtful
sayings that
you just never
can take
back.

it's pushing me
down this life
all the gravity
that shoves
shoved for almost
twenty five ...
am I?
quarter of a
century air
poundage
and I transfer
your pain
his pain
their pain
into my head
and can't even
help it
the weight I
can barely carry
on my own
I'll carry
yours too.
because that's
what I
always
do.

even the
arm of a
stranger
would be
could be
better than
the *** of
sheets that
isn't warm
not alive
just a sock
that slipped
out of the hamper
that isn't a hand
strewn over
mine, or
the pants carelessly
swung off the
side of
the bed
instead of
a hot foot
twined around
my ankle keeping
me anchored
to something
carnal
or real
to keep me
from floating
away.

too much on
my face I
want to look
beautiful
for strangers
but the
view in
the subway window
mirror is of
nothing but
sad eyes
just more
defined
by the paint
of loneliness

I want to
remember who I
was How
I was with you
with them
who I am
with me
Alone
all of you
and walking
on the sidewalk
at night
But I can't
seem to trace
in the blurs
the faces of
my many personalities
I can't
seem to connect the
dots, to find
the numbers that match
up to draw me
a full giraffe
with warm squishy
insides.
All I do
when I crack
myself open
is see a chocolate
cavern, filled with
not Easter eggs
or green fake
lawn but
empty
empty
air.

I hate it
when I lock the
door and you
take that pick
and set it
right in the
center of that band-aid
bit that I keep covering
I told you once
that I let you
in.
but that it's
not  for many
people.  Don't.
so now
that you're
back in the cold
best to get a sweater
because little red just
can't tell the wolf
from grandmas
anymore.

don't know
how to feel when
I see your face.

hastily shove on
this mask  and
become
prepared and
blank powerful
and cold.

angry to be
full of so much
sadness, blocked
beyond pain.

and  then I morph.

into some sort
of businesslike
zombie who
packs up this part
of her life.

cobbles together
her dignity.

andgetsthehelloutbeforesheremembershowtocry
again.