Some days are like most nights
I lay awake tracing shadows with my eyes
Trying to sort through all of the thoughts
That occupy my head
Recklessly trying to find peace of mind
That is the story of my life

Why is there bad and good, always an opposite?
How do we know we're doing the right thing?
How do we know we are going about life in the right way?
How do we know?

None of it makes sense to me

Because here I am
Here I am hurting and yelling and feeling in my thoughts
Trying not to go crazy
Lately I feel like I actually might be
I haven't heard any voices or anything like that
It's more of an everyday kind of crazy
Where I am constantly forgetting things I shouldn't
And thinking about death more than I probably should

It's just
I hold on to my words like I'm holding on for my life
Writing is just as painful as holding myself onto this ledge I'm about to fall off of
This is too hard for me
I keep feeling so terribly terribly average

It all started one summer. It was a summer full of boundless love and mischief. Things were happy and easy, but non-committal. It was one of those times when you just felt happy to exist and that’s what it was. But nothing is ever permanent. He was leaving for college in the fall, moving half-way across the country, thousands and thousands of miles away. And it was the summer before her senior year of high school. Things weren’t complicated yet. But lofty anticipation is frightening and there was always something that held them back. They knew it couldn’t last. They knew their romance would soon come to an end. So they took it as it was and that seemed to be okay.

They spent their time venturing out. Each day was a new and different adventure. What else could they conquer with raw feelings and attraction? Kissing under the sun and loving below the moon. Every time one spent time with the other it seemed something of a dream to them. Summer dug its fingers deep down into them, brightened up their insides until their blood stream glowed golden. It guided the two lovers down the ***** paths of youth, carefree mis-happenings, and daydreams. Their heads were dizzied as they’d drift away with each other whilst sitting under a tree in the mid-afternoon.

He left and they were both sad but only for a little while. He will always have a special place in her heart, and she in his, but they were young and reckless and maybe that’s all they were supposed to be. They kept in touch by writing handwritten letters back and forth for the first few months he was away. She thought about him a lot. She was always at the back of his mind. He didn’t come home over Thanksgiving like he said he might. So her heart ached a little. About a month or so passed and he was back but things had already become complicated. Maybe even awkward. They were both sad, slightly bitter, but what else was there to do? It was over before it was ever anything, a lost cause from the beginning. Right? But it seemed a desperate hope kept bringing them back together, making their paths cross again and again. He went back to California and she carried on her mundane existence. Time passed. He finished his first year of college and she had graduated from high school. They were two completely different people than the summer before. Things became even more complicated, even more destructive.

They were reunited yet again and with liquor on their breath and old feelings wilting in their hearts, they got lost into the night with each other. The folds of the sensual darkness took them in and nurtured them only to poison them the next day. And the following days. And the following weeks. They would go weeks without talking. She even left the country for two weeks and they never spoke a word to each other. But things aren’t that simple and nothing ever ends that easy. He was scared and she was desperate for his affection. And still, something kept pulling them back together despite them trying to avoid the other. It was incapable of being ignored and brought with it a great deal of anxiety on both ends of the chain. Things were tense. They weren’t airy and simple like they were before.

Things are heavy now, there’s too much baggage. He says she is too good for him, that he doesn’t want to be with her because losing her is inevitable. He is consumed with self-hatred. He told her he hates himself too much to ever share any of himself with anyone else and it made her so sad. She said to him, “I just wish you could see yourself the way I see you,” and he just blurted out that he was in love with someone else. He apologized. It was someone back in California. But he still loved her, he was just confused and rightfully unsure as to how to go about addressing that. Her heart was weak as it dropped to her stomach when he said, “Can I kiss you? It’s okay if you say no.” And of course she said yes. And so he did. And then he left.

I look up at the sky and it feels like love
And in my mind words echo and poems form
I look at something and the first thing I see is beauty
An undying, pleasing combination of qualities that provides a perceptual experience of admiration
An entity which is inherently valued and adored
I find beauty everywhere
Inside of my eyes
My heart
My body
My head
The entire world surrounding me
I see it in everything
Beautiful things, beautiful people, beautiful creatures, beautiful places, beautiful objects, beautiful ideas, beautiful sounds
There is beauty in everything

I am in love with the moon and the sky
The way the sun shines through the trees and paints pictures on the ground below
The clouds and how they decorate the blue around them, accentuating its tugging beauty
How the birds sing songs for the flowers
The way the trees loom over everything and provide shelter and comfort for the smallest creature or an amiable passerby
I am in love with how the brook babbles
How the wind whispers secrets to the meadows
I am in love with every form of beauty
And if there is beauty in every single thing
I suppose you could say I am in love with all that there is

The life and beauty around me are sometimes so breathtaking I don't know what else to do rather than just revel in it

I see the ground impending at this very moment and I don't know what to do
What am I more than skin and bones waiting to rupture and explode through?
Sometimes my skin is the only part of me that feels
And music seems like a moral law
Just relax, take control, breathe
We're all volcanoes waiting to burst and we're bleeding into an ocean of uncertainties and a permanent life
What is there to do?
If we don't have our dreams, our passion, we have nothing
Nothing
We have to aspire to embrace all world views and perspectives, move beyond, and become open-minded
Kiss the stars and awaken to a new vision which is blinding at first
But our eyes will adjust
And we'll see the world, as it really is, for the first time
You're enough, we're all enough
We've always been enough
Our simple task is to enlighten the world
And look to the stars for guidance

Is it human to want to leave everything?
To go somewhere far, far away
Somewhere way up in the clouds
Humans scare me
I'm trapped in my own thoughts
They're so loud
But I'll hold your hand, we can go together
I could really use some guidance
Just look up kid
We're both beneath the same sky
We can do this

Remember, we all stumble and hesitate
Every one of us
We stagger
That's why it is such a comfort to go holding hands
We all turn out fine
One way or another
You are invincible
Oh, I forgot to tell you how beautiful you are

So where do you live?
Mostly in my head... What do I even ponder upon in the dead of the night?
We're magical
As anyone can see
Our words are soft
Sweetly combined
No one understands
It's so incomprehensible and uninterpretable
But it's so intriguing... My thoughts are so mixed up
I think so much it's unhealthy
If I could think out loud
My voice would be a never ending soundtrack
I would never stop talking
There's so much
I'm so confined
I am so little
We're all sustained to conformity
We need out of our minds
If someone asked me what I think about when I hear the word "eternity" or "endlessly" or anything... I wouldn't be able to give them a straight answer
I think too much and everything would become too elaborate
No one understands
Conformity will **** us all

My fears climb up my spine like spiders
Who can show me that I have nothing to fear?
God can? That's what I'm told...
Almost like he had it planned
But it's all planned, Evynne
Even what I am saying right now was all planned out
We just don't know
I think that's it
I don't know
I never knew
That
Scares me
I wish I could break free and know and learn
And never possess the ability to say "I don't know" ever again
I hate not knowing
This really shouldn't be that unusual to me, not knowing
But it is
It all is
We're all too young and too susceptible
We'll drown in our thoughts and feelings and emotions
We're stuck in a pool of conformity with no drain

Conformity is an interesting thing to me
Because if our generation is all about being different and doing what you love...
Well how is that even possible?
And if everyone is trying to be different, aren't we all the same?
It's so much to think about
I never stop
We each build up our own world of difference and uniqueness and magic
I walk down the street and see twenty of the same people
It comforts some to think they're different but know that they're the same as the person next to them
But only the brave strangers are the ones that stand out in the crowd of differences
And I admire these people
Because not only does it take a **** load of strength and integrity to do this
But also a purpose
And no one has a purpose these days
These rare human beings have simply decided to set themselves free
Jump into the wind
And create something new
They've got it

I'm blinded by these heroes and thieves at my doorstep
I can't seem to tell them apart anymore
These words make me feel okay though
They say words are the most powerful drug to mankind
Watch for beauty
And look at who shines
Be clever
We'll figure it out

The easiness that comes with loving you is frightening
I've never really been that good at anything in particular
But I've never wanted anything so much as I want to spend the rest of my life with you
To hold you every night while I sleep
And kiss your face every morning when I awake
So the question is not,
"Do I love you?" or "How do I love you?"
But rather,
"How could I ever stop?"

I remember how I used to love to hurt
To hurt myself and to hurt others
Not to purposefully hurt others
To hurt myself
Maybe to hurt others by hurting myself

The truth of the matter is,
I was attracted to any form of hurting

But my ways have changed
And I am healed up, more mature

There's no need for that anymore

Your fingers play my ribcage bones like piano keys
All my body aches
Why do you affect me like you do?

Pinned between linen sheets and your warm body
I feel whole
Like there aren't certain parts of me missing anymore

Before I met you, I was half empty
You've filled up all of my empty parts

I am now full

Sitting here
Staring at the floor
Ransacking my stream of consciousness for
At least one solid thought
To write down
On this horridly clean
Piece of paper

I am tired
And alone
And entirely useless
(die, die, die)
Anywhere but here

Let's get out of this place
Go somewhere far, far away
Let's get in my car and
Drive and drive and drive
Until we forget why we left everything
But each other
Behind
In the first place

We might be dead by tomorrow
Come on, love
Let's go while we still can

Can you feel all the suffering, can you see it?
Stop embracing the hate of your own humanity, just quit it
Why all the hypocrisy?
Challenge your democracy

Aim for enlightenment
Fight against all ill torment
Oppression, alienation, inequality
The government's manipulative utilities

Explore your human aptitude
Your mind and your magnitude
Because passion is power and
You can make all evil cower

Work to open your third eye
Don't cry or comply, but rather ask "why?"
Empathy and compassion are most important
Without them, moral principles remain impotent

Our world is nothing compared to the entire universe
We are so small, egoistic, and it's getting worse
Focused on all of the wrongs ideals
Creating terrible and false ordeals

Our world is cruel and mean
Too many people die hungry
There's no such thing as equality or true justice
It does not exist in this realm of consciousness

If only we could shift the system and our ways
Then things would continue to fall into place
But change is virtually unachievable
Especially when entities with just intents are inconceivable

Human beings are clueless, trapped in a trance
Don't let yourself fall victim to your ignorance
You need to expand your knowledge and your perspective
Aim to be more pensive and introspective

Challenge absolutely everything you are told
Form your own beliefs, don't let your mind be controlled
Remove yourself from conformity and complacency
And you'll realize a multitude of problems, that I guarantee

You can't trust anything

Hear what I'm saying 

No you cant trust anything

Believing is damaging

Creating is everything, it's promising
Stop adhering to societal norms

Why do you conform

To all that

The government tells us

All that society spells for us
Why don't you realize

Wake up from all the lies

The world is an intricate place, that you can't replace

But you can change your ways and your pace

Create some displacement in the system
Stand up your rights

And what you believe in

Be genuine

Imagine

Not one person, thing, or system

Can tell us, control us, conform us

With enough minds open and motivated
We can help those oppressed and alienated
We can change this race for the better
Let's all work to be that kind of trendsetter
Come on, let's start a movement
So we can see some real improvement
In our world, our ways, and our wisdom
But most importantly in the system

Look at me!
I am an emotional bag of ****
I don't ever want to be without you
You came to me so suddenly
But I feel like I have loved you forever

Yeah there's an undertow, but it ain't got me



It's kinda like
When you get really, really mad
I mean you're mad
And then something happens
Like a song or a certain cast of light
And you realize the reason you were mad is nothing like the reason red blood cells carry oxygen to your brain
Or the reason you love pineapple
It's nothing like the roots of the tree outside your window
And you feel pretty stupid
You scold yourself
"Stupid, silly human being"
Then you forget what you had just learned when you looked at that tree or took a deep breath
You're thinking about other things
You're thinking about what you're going to do with the time you've got before bed
Or what that rude girl at school said to you

And then it's kinda like
When you get really, really sad
I mean you're sad
And then you receive a much needed compliment from someone
And you think about how **** well you've actually got it
It's so unlike that sadness
It's just like those red blood cells and that tree outside your window
And here you are feeling silly and ignorant once more
You're thinking about all that time you wasted
But there are loved ones in your living room and a blanket on your bed
It's okay, right?



And then
Then it's kinda like blasting music in the car
It's kinda like being made to laugh during a miserable school day
It's like your favorite road to drive
Or your favorite pen to write with
It's like the rattling in your speakers
Or your brown eyes
It's like opening bottles with your teeth
Having plans for the night
Getting away with things you shouldn't have done in the first place
It's kinda like listening to your music too loud
Or brushing your teeth
It's like accidentally falling asleep
I don't know
It's kinda like that
I think
Yeah

Sometimes people get
Inside of my head and
I can't get them out
They write beautiful things
Inside of my head and
I fall in love with them

I heard
If you hug someone
And never let them go
They become a tiny bone
In your body
That you forget about
But could never
Live without

"Not I," she whispered.

No concern
No meaning
No feeling
Deprivation at its finest.

I don't think about things the same way others do;
Actually,
I don't think about the same things everyone else does.
There are things that fill my mind on a daily basis that I guarantee do not ever cross any normal human being's mind.
Notice how I said normal,
It really makes me think, am I the one that's crazy, or are they?
What is normal?
If normal is being like everybody else, than that is not I.
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.
Normal, ordinary, average, common, typical, general, normal.
"Not I," said she.
Not I
"I blame my loneliness on my abnormality"
A valid excuse is all I'm looking for.
I don't need an answer...
Because when am I ever in the possession of answers?
Not ever.
Just questions upon questions upon questions and contradictions upon that of which fill in the crevices of my mind.
I think of one solid thing and the next solid thing contradicts it.
Do you see what I attempt to control everyday?
Mental processes.
Severely intricate, contradicting, insane, mental processes
That race through my stream of consciousness with no intent of slowing down.
Colorful winds that whisper things softly to me
Like the constant pitter patter of falling raindrops on an idle afternoon.
Will I ever be at peace with these contents inside my head?
I am not quite sure.
But what I am sure of is that I would be lost if it all stopped, ceased to exist.
So for now, I am thankful.
Even though I keep feeling more and more crazy every single day.
Madness doesn't necessarily have to be a dire thing.
Normal?
"Not I," said the Queen
Not I.

No matter what I say or do, the road leads back to you

So you sit there and you realize you can't focus on anything
But you still sit there and you try
All you're good for these days is thinking and getting your rebellious *** into trouble
Thinking?
Yeah, I think that's the right word for it
You sit and you try to decide if you've changed
And then you think, if you have changed, is it good or is it bad?
And what has changed anyways?
And then it's gone
Because you don't care
You don't care about one single thing and almost anyone who knows you, knows that
That single aspect of you is the most obvious of your persona
How does that make you feel?
It's the truth and you know it so you leave it alone
You leave everything alone that has to do with yourself
You hate acknowledging the fact that you're human like everyone else
But you still find yourself asking
Why feel?
Why live?
Why die?
Why think?
Why?

And then you frequently find yourself wanting to give up
And you want to, so ******* bad but something keeps you holding on
The one person who you allow to let you feel because you can't help it
Even with your ******, stubborn wall up, he still breaks through and gets to you and then all the feeling is just there
It wasn't there before you saw him
But the second you come into his presence, you feel alive again
And it's frustrating because that same person who keeps you holding on and feeling, is the same person who makes you want to give up and stop feeling all together
I don't blame you because of the way you feel when you're with him
He's got you wrapped around his finger and you follow him around like a scared, little puppy
And you can never tell if he feels the same and you can never seem to figure him out
It's a frightening cycle

No wonder you don't want to feel
But no wonder you do
It's also sad to think that just by this person coming up and putting his arm around you is the one reassurance that shows he might care
And is the one thing that brings you back up and tells you not to give up just yet

So I see you shaking on the edge in fear and confusion
But I can see your reasoning because when your chest swells up when you feel him close
And when you almost give up but find yourself ****** back in, you seem okay
And you seem happy in a weird, lost, kind of way
So I guess things are okay for you
I guess this is how it is
But it's also like, I don't know why you're still waiting…

Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I asked the worker at the coffee shop what he thought I should get
I've been more indecisive than usual lately
He recommended a chai latte
So that's what I got
I do strange things to avoid certainty, to avoid stability
I keep thinking I don't really know myself but I'm really not sure
Who am I?
A phrase that is in continuous repeat, ringing in the veins of my introverted mind
Who am I?
I could probably tell you
If I really wanted to, if I really tried
He said to me, "Chai tastes like... Merry Christmas!"
It made me smile
Dreams and coffee drinks and pages of books and sweaters
Is that who I am?
It is surely what I am compiled of
I am a wanderer
The girl who constantly says goodbye but never really knows how to leave
I should have mastered leaving by now, you know

I'm staring at brick walls
And a painting of two sleeping cats
There's music playing in the background
I'm awkwardly sipping my chai latte
On the other hand, seemingly distant, I am completely aware of everyone and everything around me
Always observing
Always listening
I like it, by the way
The latte
He was right
It does taste like "Merry Christmas"

It's already 5 o'clock
It's already October
It's cold outside today
Extremely cold
Yet, I've been driving with my windows down all day
I don't feel cold
I don't feel warm either though
I feel numb
I feel like nothing

Every day I just kind of sit back and watch the world go by like none of it really happens
Like all of it is a dream
I'm out of touch with reality
I rather enjoy it that way
Rather prefer it that way, probably
I know what my name is
I know where I come from, who I come from
So why can I not tell you who I am?
Can anyone really, truly, put into words who they are?
If they can, I am in a lot of trouble
Especially if they can do it easily
But that would make a lot of sense because it all comes down to stability
Or so I think so anyways
I haven't had any form of stability in my life for a very long time
And let me tell you, that is what will **** someone up
Who AM I?

I'm ****** up, emotional, and slightly neurotic
I'm only 18 years old but I feel at least 50 years more.
I grew tired too fast
Life is tiring for me
It's not supposed to be like that
Not yet anyway
I've been so sad my entire life
And my sadness acts as the very core of my being
I'm a strangely tangled up pile of thoughts and feelings
Past experiences and people
And this searing sense of nostalgia for what once was
And maybe even for what is to be

What do you call it when you're constantly thinking of the past and wishing it was still here?
When you're constantly longing for the future and wishing it would come sooner?
When you're constantly dissatisfied with the present and wishing it would disappear or change or something?
What is that?
Am I delirious?
Am I going crazy?
I almost hope so
I need some answers
The world is either in fast forward or paused
Growing, moving, changing, nothing
I am nothing
I am nothing
Goodbye

You are a good friend of mine
Always there, always so kind
You help me through the bad times
Always there, always so sublime

I am so very fortunate to have a friend like you
And you will be my friend forever, that I always knew
Thank you for all that you do for me
If it weren't for you, I don’t know where I'd be

I wake up in the morning.
It is hard to get out of bed.
But the presence of my cat and the thought of a warm cup of coffee lures me out slowly,
Surely.
Every morning, I wake up starved of meaning and purpose;
Though, this absence is oddly painless to ignore in the morning.
In the morning,
Nothing is real.
In the morning I put on an innovative charade.
In hopes it will bring about a change of pace.
It never does.

Every day it seems to become more apparent to me that I struggle with most things people find ordinary.
And, effortless.
Every day I am let down by my efforts.
Every day it is a continuous descent and degradation into an ultimate and underlying dissatisfaction with what I encounter every day and with most human beings and the lives they live and with life itself.
It resides in the core of who I am.
I can't hide from it.
I can't cover it.
It doesn't go away.
Every day everything that should not prevail, does.
Every day.
No one would understand.
No one can.
Every day is the same.
Days feel like weeks to me.
Days and days and days.
What are days, besides a limitation on time?
I would enjoy and value the ability to live a life without the rigid limitations everyone and everything has always set for me.
Not possible.
Nothing utterly enjoyable is ever truly promising,
Or achieving.

Every night I crawl into my bed,
Tired.
Every night I cannot seem to sleep.
I lay there,
Awake,
Waiting.
I lay there in darkness,
Waiting for happiness to find me again;
To kiss me goodnight and advise sweet dreams;
To guarantee that when I wake up in the morning it will not all be the same.
Every night.
It never comes.
Every night the bed is empty.
I am vacant,
Always. 
Empty. 
I can be found contemplating my loneliness,
Every night.
Every night I have to prepare myself for every morning.
Every morning and every day and every night.