After I met you
I discovered how dangerous of a thing
Eye contact is
Frighteningly dangerous
But lovely
So *very, very lovely

Just like love, just like how you know life
With your heart beating and your eyes big with wonder and awe
You want to feel each day slip away as you long to get closer to death
For death seems to be the only logical escape
The way you view the world, there is too much evil, too many horrible things going on
Not enough goodness, no justice
You long to possess the right to inform people about how mankind has managed to lose its soul and fervor to pain, hurt, evil
Evolving in all of the wrongs ways, developing all the wrong ideals
You try to say the words right, try to make them coherent
And at night you think and think
And in your mind, things look so little but so unattainable

You are a spirit of light
Your left hand longs to be held by another's right hand
Your face longs to be caressed, to be admired and remembered
You need some reason to keep on living
For on your own, you are just waiting for death to sweep you off your feet and take you away
It is the only thing that seems to feel right
The only thing that really makes sense to you

You choose to remain in your thoughts and in your head
For it is a good place to be
You can smile a new smile, take your hands and dig them deep within the sun and the moon
You can hold the universe and maybe even restore the hope that was once present and flourishing within you
But once you must leave your mind and your dreams and your thoughts
You slowly and begrudgingly come back to reality and your stomach falls to your feet as you hear the pangs of the outside world coming back alive inside of you
You ponder the concept of the word "home" and remember an old body that you used to seek safety in
Cold and dark tears contemplate falling and you wish to live in the sky, gone from the world, slipping away in your dreams, leaving behind the dreadful drone of your own existence
You ache to be left alone in your thoughts
Your mind travels back to the days that once consisted of innocence and simplicity
So alluring and true
Tangible
Withholding pure and utter bliss
Now, so unattainable and distant
Forever gone

You try to stop your mind from traveling further but you think about the person you used to be, the girl you once knew
Her lips are now forever gasping for more and more air and the feeling of fear is hard and sharp in her heart that is broken beyond repair
You long for better days, for better things to come to you
But there is something dark and black that rests deep within you and you cannot live a moment without noticing its lurking presence
You long to be free of it
But death is so far away and sleep is only temporary
Your eyes are open but there's a path behind them compiled of pasts years that you continuously walk day after day after day
And they don't taste sweet and your breath is trapped within you, making it seem as if blood tastes better than this
And once again, death and truth seem attainable but so very, very out of reach

The weather is gloomy and rain is falling from the clouds above
You stand and let the rain kiss every inch of your warm and tingling flesh and you feel happy as you turn with the wind and taste the raindrops on your lips
Your heart is red with fire and warmth, beating graciously as you believe each and every raindrop is a healing kiss to your troubled and aching soul
Times of hate and despair trickle down your body with the rain and you feel both dead and alive all at once, waiting for something other than hurt and emptiness to be your dearest friend, waiting for the loneliness that swims through your veins to go looking for someone else to invade with its poisonous ways
The rain is trying to help but the loneliness was there before the rain ever existed and it cannot die inside of you
For it is very much alive as it stands in the room behind your ribcage, holding out its arms, loudening its voice today and every day, this morning and every morning, until it is eventually noticed tonight and every night
With its feet imbedded to the floor of your body and your bones, forever attempting to taint the beauty of your soul
You try to forget, but instead you understand
You lay in bed and it all feels so real as you look desperately to the stars
The same stars you have been looking to and wishing on ever since you were a small child
And you recall the first time you ever saw a star, still so full of innocence and ambition and wonder
But innocence isn't a permanent friend like loneliness which lies at the door to your heart
Innocence is forced to change its shape until it disintegrates all together
Just as you have sat and watched the stars for all these years, you sat and watched your innocence slowly fade away with age and the progression of life and time
Then comes the wonder of the beloved memories when you still possessed that innocence and its hurts and everything seems lonely once more
So you write as you look to the moon and the earth and the song they sing each night
And even though you have grown accustomed to the darkness
You are sure it was once was something that took too frequently and took too soon until it became a friend instead of an enemy
Because what other choice did you have other than to form an alliance with it?
And soon enough the words flowed from your fingers and nothing mattered as long as you could write and feel something, whether it was the pain from under a razor blade or the earth beneath your feet or the taste of wine on your tongue
It was still something

Oh little miss silence, the quiet and unnoticed observer
Seen by no one, your head high in the clouds as you continuously demand the reason for why you are living
You lay and wait for the great and warm sea to scoop you up and break you apart until you are nothing but particles floating about, forming other unknown entities
But people lie and we are all terrible human beings
Spiteful and cold
Critical
Deceiving
Although you have always felt different from the rest, small and everything less than perfect
Always thinking thoroughly, slowly, deeply
Always acting as a caretaker to others and their wants, and needs, and feelings
You discovered at a very young age that helping others makes your heart dance and that fighting for those who are in need is of utmost importance
You always speak so softly because your efforts are never enough to change anyone or anything
You are kind when others are mean, strong when others are weak
Every single night you lay your head down to sleep and pray and pray for better things and better people to reign, just as you did every single night as a child
But things get harder as youth diminishes
And once it finally leaves, you find that you are the person you'd never thought you'd become
And knowing that is extremely painful
It is a constant, stabbing feeling

You look for peace, talk of it, listen for it
Longing to make your insides bright again
Searching for a reason to keep on living
But your mouth is locked shut and you hide with the trees and hold dear true laughter and listen to the music in everything as you see reality through one set of eyes, and the world within your mind, through another
You feel sorry as you look for some person or some place to build a home
And you long to grow with the trees that will rest beside it and to float with the clouds that will rest above it
A world to live and breathe comfortably in is all that you long for
But you are living in hell as this world is the farthest thing from comfortable
You lay beneath the sky and ache and ache as you listen to the voices that sing above you
And you feel apart from everything and the sad feelings surface once more and you try and try to escape but instead more things wake inside of you and walls build up and around you until your story is just another poem you will write in the future

You watch the tree from your window and try to remember what you felt like before you lost everything

I am forever longing to explore all of the secrets of the physical universe
To savor the input from all of my senses
To feel all of the joy and the sorrow
All of the laughter and the empathy
I long to continually expand my knowledge
And my mind
My aptitude and my magnitude
I am forever longing to go on a cosmic adventure
And never come back to this reality

Think of me as smoke
As I float here and there slowly
Chasing the shape of your body
I drift away and return only to collide with the warm breath
That escapes from your mouth with so much ease
As I slowly get closer and closer
I drift towards you until I reach your lips
You reach for me
But I am gone
I have vanished
Right before you can grasp me
I slip through your fingertips
And I am nowhere to be found
I can only be yours if you search for me until you find me again
Because at least then I will know you will never leave me

Staring blankly out the window
Lost in contemplation
And observation
Sipping casually through a plastic straw
Completely immersed in my racing thoughts
And the shuffling of feet
And the way the shadows lay harshly on the grass and cement in the sun

Halfway over
Mid-day
Reflections
Blue silhouettes
Reaching limbs
The hum of existence

A boy riding his bicycle
A girl walking along the path
I am not here
No one sees me
Existence is plaguing

Where are the clouds?
A breeze kissing my face softly
Touching my hair longingly
I see everything and everyone around me
But they do not see me
I blend in so naturally

I want to be higher than the clouds, lost in a dream of white haze
For days and days and day and days
Take me to the city in the sky
And I'll never come down, I won't even try
Escaping has never seemed to fail me
Sure, it's caused some problems, but only due to instability
I'm buying a ticket for the next train out of here
I am done constantly living in fear
A place to get lost, a place to be free
A place in the clouds, a place just for me
I am leaving now, I am leaving
Please, no one try and stop me
Goodbye, goodbye, I say to you, goodbye
You might never see me again, I won’t deny
But for now, goodbye

Standing in the middle of the street, the sky black and starless, it is late, but the night is filled with possibility as drizzling raindrops reach down to kiss our cheeks and noses and eyelids

I see nothing but you

My eyes locked tightly to yours, everything around us is still and quiet as more rain trickles down and a gentle breeze swifts through the air
We don't pay regard to any of it because the only thing that matters is the fixed gaze our eyes hold as our arms are fastened tightly around each other
We cannot look away, captivated by the other's presence

We are completely immersed in the moment when you finally open your mouth to whisper something softly to me

We both lean forward, letting the splendor of the moment take control, pulling us closer and closer to each other until our lips touch for the first time, forming perfectly to each other, molding feelings into the movements of our mouths locked tightly together
A voice cries out inside of me, aching with desire and composure, saying, "Never let go, hold me tight''

We pull away in a modest state of shock due to the enchantment of the anticipated and formal rendezvous of the two compelling and winsome pairs of our lips
Our eyes are once again riveted to each other, and twinkling grins have effortlessly manifested across both of our spry and inviting faces

I can feel the exuberance and elation of the moment beaming between us as your hands reach up to gently grasp each side of my face and your thumbs softly caress each of my cheeks
I could swim in the looming sensation and passion for eternity

Our lips meet again, my insides fluttering, slowly igniting with a feeling no words can describe, a feeling I yearn to seal into a jar for safe keeping and hold next to my warm and beating heart forever
It all feels intrinsic, natural, as if we have been doing it for ages
And I feel whole and beautiful, hoping we never have to let go

Kissing you is an easy thing, it feels comfortable, undemanding
It feels safe, making it seem we are one entity
Like we are two bodies with two hands and two pairs of lips but one soul and one heart
And I cannot help but wonder if this is the person I have been longing for and anticipating my entire life, dreaming of and wondering if we would ever meet

I cannot force myself to break your gaze or my body to move away from yours, feeling whole and beautiful once more

Our lips touch for the last time and then pull away timidly,
Longing for each other
Hoping to meet again

a love like the way the ocean feels
a heart like that day you treasure with every bit of your beating heart
a face that makes you want to kiss every single freckle
a body warm like the sand under the rays of the beating sun
arms like the ocean’s waves, strong and inviting
a home like the way your bed feels in the morning

the pain that is left inside each cigarette she smokes
eyes that stare off and reveal her deep-seated loneliness
the cold and stale secrets she releases as she blows smoke out of her mouth and then inhales it back into her nose

never fully loved, she aches when she is touched
you think of all of the secrets that rest inside of her
she needs time with her hands so she can do all of the things that keep her youth

dealing with another’s touch is more of a blessing to her than it is a curse
her long and waving brown and reddish hair emits a warmth and shines bright in the light
every day she prays someone might remember her existence
forced with a beauty and flesh that is seen easier by others is difficult for her to accept and become accustomed to
the deep luster that sparkles in her perfect eyes that turn green in the sun

her head laying lightly on her pillow, she is broken and things are hard for her
she tastes times of despair in her mouth as she searches for her quiet voice
you notice how beautiful she really is not only on the outside, but more so on the inside which makes you consider falling for the gold rings wrapped tightly around her piercing pupils
but you know she won’t let you in
her eyes when she smiles remind you of a warm cup of coffee first thing in the morning
her lips are a curse in the darkest comfort of life and look as if they taste like bliss

but she doesn’t how how to picture forever and all you want to do is hold her hand as the two of you get lost in some form of nature
you feel weak as you think of her mind and all of the ideas that stay hidden in its deepest parts
you think of all of the people she has exhaled and all of the promises that endlessly resemble relentless stolen time and all of her inviting smiles that are ultimately never-ending
you can tell how beat-up but peaceful her heart is as she reaches out to no avail
you want to give her gifts and take photos of her face in frustration as her mind jumps in every single direction
you want to swear to her that you will provide endless embraces and chase her alluring irises with kisses
you want to promise her mornings of early alarms and warm company

you start to think of the sunshine that is instantly ruined with the apparent glints and bent pleasure of her daringly beautiful crescent-shaped smile
you see her as a drain, rare and spiraling, with acidic-like thoughts and emotions that disappear with the presence of a healing and loving touch
the extreme to which her deadly looks are stronger and more alluring than any flower and any paradise

you imagine her self-portrait and what she looked like with the pressure on her shoulders as she dug deep down and forced herself to acknowledge her looks and her charm
you wonder how she deals with being so tense as she tirelessly searches for reason and understanding

the stronger she puffs her cigarette the more desired are the intervals between each breath as she tries to find the right sentences and forget about how unbearable everything is
she is quiet and her face emits freckles that pop out at you as you gaze in awe at her beauty
she sits and thinks of the six prior people that have threatened her strength and ultimately left her heart broken and aching
there are newborn, salty tears that radiate on her cheeks as she mutters something under her breath in the doorway, she dreams of another dimension

her insides are constantly churning and you ache to know her habits and you ache to know how her molars taste with your tongue inside of her mouth
she is quite the commodity and you desperately want to blurt out everything to her
but her trust has been demolished and her heart has been metamorphosed and she wouldn’t know what to do as she would emptily reply “i am so sorry.”

you think of her as an enchantment and how she is really an inconvenience to your peace of mind
you rant on and on about all of the feelings that reside, and are upheld, secretly in the plethora of your thoughts that are diffident of being spoken aloud
her lifestyle baffles you as you try to contain your amazement and admiration of how disciplined she really is
and your heart aches and you feel worthless as you look in the mirror and stare at your eyes that faintly reveal exhaustion, appearing to be both passionately and tirelessly struggling to find some form of sanity residing deep within you

it is getting harder as she is loyal to what she needs out of life and what she needs out of other people
and it hurts as you think of all of the remaining endings for this eighteen year old ocean of beauty and difficulty and all of the interrupted conversations and the tingling sensation that a saturday morning brings
she is alluring as her body defines the sun’s rotting reflections that pry at her insides and the canals of her heart, possessing a revealed and evicted magnitude that could keep you in raw amazement for days
the thought of her lips, always faintly quivering, is like a weapon, as you watch her wandering about, never changing the perplexed look that rests perfectly on her face
you want to run up to her and beg her to stay
but the thought of the stress it would cause keeps you away
you try to delete her from your thoughts but that is starting to seem more and more pointless

you notice she has fallen and all of the feelings and words swell up inside of you and the thought of holding her hand causes you to run to her
but the world is mean and your teeth shatter under the pressure as you try to imagine the years you have spent without her
your heart emits a familiar warning and the sun seems dead and older and the tears start to form

you finally muster up enough courage to wrap your arms around her as you resist the urge to kiss her nose
you can feel how lonely she is and you hope to god you will be able to accept that later
you grasp her tighter as you listen to the despair that flows from the tips of her fingers that burn when she writes
her skin is smooth and her entire body is light with love but heavy with the vast amounts of pain and years of hurt that are imbedded into her skin and into her bones

you imagine her as the sea, apart from everything, but one with it at the same time
she is friendly, even as she remembers the forgotten hours of anger that used to torment her
you caress her soft cheeks and softly tell her to shut off the bad thoughts and forget those who have left her
you turn to reach into your pocket and you catch a glimpse of the moon
you feel your stomach fall as it reminds you of her; sometimes lost, part of her always hidden away, but full of strength and light and beauty
you had forgotten how much it resembles her until you look at both of them in the presence of the other

you look back down at her and notice how her lips long to be kissed and then comes the poem you will write in order to remind you of this night
you feel as though you are in the middle of a war and that you really need to sleep and everything around you is abnormally quiet, like there are blockades of passion built up and around you
you stand there, trying to look alive and say, with every piece of strength you contain, “i love you,” softly but assuredly

she looks at you like you are human and then she looks at the surrounding landscape and takes what seems to be a week, to say, “but why?”
you wrap your hand tightly around her palm and try to explain but your voice shakes and cracks and you can’t seem to find the words when suddenly a tree of courage and unadultered passion grows inside of you and you say,
“because you are beautiful and you are broken but you are trying. because you are human and you are one person and two hands and one heart. because i want nothing more than to clean your burns and bruises and make the wanderer in you build a home and stay. because looking at you feels like nothing i have ever felt and because you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be shown that another person’s love won’t turn into knives and anxiety and pain in your heart. you deserve to be healed and to be whole. i love you because you are you and there is no better way to describe you other than that. i love you because you are beautiful on the inside, no matter how many times you have been hurt. i love you because you light my insides on fire and because you never leave my mind. i love you because i can feel you, in my heart and in my bones and in every fiber of my being. i love you. i love you. i LOVE you. and i could go on and on telling you WHY but the desire to kiss your lips is so strong i feel as though my legs could give out at any second!”
you are breathing heavily as you realize her eyes have risen up to catch yours and she leans toward you
she looks golden under the moon light and the surface of her eyes are rapt with a soothing flare that burns into you as you gaze at the reflection of the moon in the circles of her eyeballs
you gaze at the beautiful curve of her body in your arms as her eyelids blink open and shut slowly as she quietly moves her lips as close to yours as they can get without touching, slightly moves away, almost like she is trying to prove something, then breaks your gaze as she closes her eyes and kisses you like you are something she has wanted and longed for her entire life

it is at this moment, as you feel her poking ribcage under the warmth of your hand and feel your body collapse, that you realize how certain and profound your love for her is
kissing her, you feel the ghosts that live inside of her, moving around as she clenches you tighter
you can smell the hurt that swells like water inside of her
there is a strong and longing presence about it and you can hear her heartbeat coming from inside of her chest, hidden underneath all of the sadness she has felt the entire duration of her life

kissing her makes you feel like you are kissing the universe, like it is a once in a lifetime chance
she pulls away and looks into your eyes and touches your face with her thumb so softly and so effortlessly that it feels as if you two have been doing this for your whole lives, loving each other
you can feel her wandering away from you so you grab her tighter and she snaps out of it and looks at you and says, “when i wasn’t there, you actually searched until you found me. no one has ever done that before. thank you.”

you can tell she is trying to forget old poisons as you read the expression on her face
she never said it back but that is okay because you know how terrifying those three words are to her and you know she will say it once she is ready

you let out a long sigh with the admittance of such a huge confession and everything is okay

you close your eyes and whisper, “finally.”

I fell in love with every single morning
How you rolled out of bed after you shut your alarm off for the sixth time
How your eyes and voice revealed exhaustion but also so much love
The way your hands would grasp each side of my face
While your lips would steal the endings of my sentences
And a smile would form on my face effortlessly
Every single day with you felt like a week of saturday mornings
With clean bed sheets and lazy smiles

Every single morning
I would fall in love with the way you would drink your coffee
And smoke your cigarette
And even how you would stand in the doorway of your closest

Somewhere between falling in love with our midnight conversations
That were exhaled through cigarette puffs
And interrupted by loving embraces
As I would secretly read the love notes
You would write on my flesh every chance you got
I realized I was in love with the presence of your words
And the feeling of your existence
Especially when your arms were wrapped tightly around my diffident body

But I do not think I was ever in love with you

Two little charms in my pocket
A quarter and a bottle cap
They chase each other through my fingers
Over and over and over
They remind me of us

I've been hurt more than I've been loved
You can tell by the way I kiss (too softly)
And by the way I hold your hand (too tightly)

I see something that faintly glints
In the back of your eye
I reach in
Dig deep
Pry it out
And find I am holding the entire universe
In my own two hands

Cold hands
But a loving and warm heart
Acidic-like eyes that burn into you
With their brown, green, and gold luster

The smooth curve of full lips
Quivering
A smile shaped like the crescent moon
Only appearing every once in a while
A rare but loyal commodity

A mind like a never-ending war
With thoughts that act as deadly weapons
*You never come back the same

Laying alone in bed
Before sleep quiets my head
I always feel the most pain
As loneliness ***** me like a drain

It is hard to get out of bed in the morning
Without your face to kiss
Your body to hold
Your voice to listen to

You were like the first cup of coffee in the morning
Warm and alluring
Life was easier with you in it
And I grew accustomed to that
But now you're gone and it seems I have forgotten
How difficult life is for someone like me

When you struggle to get out of bed in the morning
For no apparent reason it seems
Things are hard
But forgetting what that feels like
And being thrown back into it with no warning
Is even harder

I think of you as poison
The way you loved me so passionately
And then not at all
You metamorphosed my pleasure into pain,
My bliss into a broken heart
I am accustomed to jumping from one extreme to the other
But that doesn't mean this hurts any less

With my head full and churning
I find comfort in my cigarettes
As I endlessly and tirelessly
Search for a way to turn my mind off
To no avail

Sometimes I look in the mirror
And have no idea who or what I am looking at
So I stare and stare and stare
Then I disappear all together
And I see nothing
And I see no one

"It had nothing to do with you, love," you said
"You're perfect to me," you said
It made my heart ache and ache
Why did you have to say that?
Right when it was starting to get easier

"I need to smoke a cigarette," I think to myself
"The cigarettes you smoke one after the other won't make you forget him," I mutter through clenched teeth
I feel as though my molars might crack under the pressure
I feel so tense and weak and alone

You touched me and then you loved me
You left me and then you broke me
You made the wanderer in me stay and build a home
I built the foundation up and around your heart so I could be your heartbeat,
Residing in your chest, underneath the warmth of your tingling flesh

With no prior notice you evicted me
You demolished my home, my comfort, my bliss
You left me cold and sad and heartbroken
With no where to go

You shouldn't make promises you can't keep

She smells of cigarettes and flowers
I could rant about her beauty for hours
When we kiss, I'm in another dimension
When we're apart, I swear something's missin'

It is an inconvenience
It is an added stress
It is one more thing I am forced to deal with
It is something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained
It is my deepest darkest secret

I can feel it deep, down inside of me
It burns and aches and forces me to notice it
It is hidden from everyone else
I am the only one who knows of its existence

Almost nineteen years old,
Finding myself forced to make certain lifestyle changes
Things most people don't consider until much older
Things some people won't ever consider
I am too young to be dealing with something of this nature,
Of this magnitude

But it does not define me
It is part of who I am
And ultimately, I accept it
That doesn't make dealing with it any less difficult, however
The anger and frustration still surface
Along with the despair and
The loneliness

It can seem unbearable at times
And there are times when I want for nothing more
Than to blurt it out
But I never do
Because it is mine,
And only mine

I try to love it,
Look at it as a gift
And when it comes down to it,
I wouldn't have it any other way
It is both a curse and a blessing,
Depending on how you look at it

For the most part,
Others see it as a curse
Which makes me want to prove to them
How much of a blessing it really is

My deepest darkest secret is a piece of me,
It lives inside of me
And that is what makes it so beautiful

Reflections of palm trees and ocean waves
In the luster of my spiraling brown green and gold irises

Walking along the shore line
I am one with the ocean,
One with the sand,
One with the waves,
One with the nature and beauty surrounding me

I am the ocean,
The sunshine,
The sand and the waves,
I am Sanibel

I am the beach,
A plethora of sand and shells
Reaching down for the ocean's soothing caress,
As waves rise up and
Kiss me in perfect intervals

The ocean inside of me,
Salty tears that reside in the
Secret canals of my eyelids

There are newborn freckles
On my young cheeks and poking nose
My face resembles the warm and soft sand
Quietly laying in the company of the
Friendly and inviting sea

My skin, sun kissed,
Radiates with warmth and love,
Possessing a beautiful golden flare
That emits all of the sun's most desired idiosyncrasies

The ocean is forever
But never the same as the day before
Forever changing, always moving
I am the ocean and the ocean is me